#|| about

     ☆.｡.჻·  henry cavill . cis male . he/him . wasn’t that aidan frey walking the palace grounds ? it’s nice to see the assassin out and about on such a fine day as this. i’ve heard from the court spies that they notoriously secretive, whilst also managing to be quite adventurous. the thirty five year old is eager to find out who exactly is behind the killings from what’s being said at court. i heard that they themselves are vrajiit ( shapeshifting into a dragon form & fire manipulation ). it’s funny, whenever i think of them, i think of messy hair, swords clanking in the distance, toothy grins. great to see the wanderer around, isn’t it ?

[ botanical headcanons ]

lilac :   what was your muse’s childhood like ?   how has their upbringing affected them as they’ve aged ?

Her childhood was fine -- not bad by any means, but not perfect. Attended public schools, made amazing grades, had good social skills if a little shy and nervous. Her father was someone she leaned on heavily whenever she had a difficult time with something, whether it be a person or a math problem she couldn’t wrap her mind around, she always went straight to her appa. He would be the voice of reassurance, seeing her through the tangled weave of her thoughts, coaxing her to not overthink and to see that the answer is truly right in front of her. Whereas when she would go to her amma for answers, she would tend to make the tangled web worse, would say that Samira just needed to stop making things so complicated.

And then her appa died -- and she still had so many questions, even more now -- but she knew the answers her mother would give, knew they wouldn’t make her feel any better about all of this sadness and grief and anger. Samira compartmentalized as best as a thirteen year old could. She was sad, but cried alone. Angry, but only let it fuel her drive to change things. She grieved, still grieves, by sitting outside and staring at the stars, like her appa is going to give her all the answers from up there. Sometimes it worked -- sometimes she would remember that things worked out, that she just needed to ignore the anxious spirals and remember the question, remember what it is she’s working for. 

samira's dad died when she was 13 because of a racially biased misdiagnosis. this became a huge catalyst for her and the reason she decided to go into medicine.

it's also the reason why she takes so much time with her patients -- because the last thing she ever wants to do is miss something, for someone to die when she could have prevented it. rationally, she knows people will die and there won't be anything she can do, but that doesn't curb her fear. so when she misses austin's triple a, the guilt makes her sick. when orlando comes back, she questions what more she could have done, questions why she didn't try harder.

she might be called slow mo, but slow is methodical. it listens, it catches things others may not. deep down, the idea that she has to be fast to flourish in the ED never made sense to her -- yes, she understands expediency and she knows how to prioritize in chaos (pls refer to robby putting her in the red zone during the pitt fest shooting - he knows she knows how critical this is, he knows samira takes her time, but no way would he have put her there if he thought she would fail.)

do they believe they’re worthy of being loved ?

it’s less about being worthy and more about feeling like she has to earn love. like it’s something that isn’t given freely, she has to work for it. for as long as she can remember, she’s worked tirelessly to earn her mother’s love, and comes up empty handed each time, only feeling like her mother’s emotional crutch when a boyfriend leaves her. samira doesn't know what it's like to be loved with no strings, no expectations. doesn't know what it's like to let someone else take care of her. not without feeling like she needs to earn it.

do they feel like they belong ?

HA. ow. short answer? no. long answer? 

samira still isn't speaking to her mother -- and she feels guilty and adrift. but she knows she needs to take control of her own life, forge her own path that doesn’t lead to “dutiful daughter taking care of emotionally immature mother” or a geriatrics fellowship. not that she doesn’t appreciate that line of medicine, but now that jersey isn't an option? she rewrites her ultrasound fellowship application -- not immediately,  but she does. because pittsburgh has felt more like home than jersey has in years, and she likes ptmc.