At some point after they're married, Shane and Ilya are apart for like a week for ~reasons~ and when they're both home again, Shane basically jumps Ilya by the front door and drags him to the bedroom.
After they're finished fucking, Shane says something to the effect of, "I can't believe I used to go months without this."
And Ilya, as smug and satisfied as the cat who got the proverbial cream, replies, "Bet you wouldn't have held out for two years if you'd known what getting fucked felt like, huh?"
"Maybe," Shane says. He's still kind of out of it, so the next words slip out thoughtlessly, "I mean, I wanted to when we first planned it. I just kind of freaked out when it fell through and you left me on read."
Ilya's heart drops. "What do you mean?"
Shane does not pick up on his change in tone. "Just made me feel like I was alone in how much I wanted it. Obviously when you kept messaging me I realized I wasn't but it took a while to get over that feeling, y'know?"
Then he yawns, turning over to cuddle into Ilya's side, already drifting off and unaware that Ilya is now wide awake, staring up at the ceiling and wondering if wanting to go back in time and wring his nineteen year old self's neck counts as thoughts of self harm.
