some rambling/hcs about yuuri and his mental illness and how strong he is!
the thing about yuuri and his season where he got last in the GPF is that he wasnt just at the lowest of his career, he was probably in his worst mental state like, ever. and thats honestly one of the worst feelings, knowing youre miserable but youre just so lost you dont know what to do, and you know its your mental illness but it doesnt help to know that.
he probably had a time that before this GPF he saw as his ‘absolute worst’ mental health wise and whenever he was feeling bad, at least it wasnt as bad as that. but then he ended up being worse than that because of everything that happened. he was skating in front of thousands of people (which is already anxiety inducing), he had super low self confidence and pretty much assumed failure was the only option, and had the general stress of college on top of professional skating, social life, and everything else you need to do as an adult.
and then his dog, who was probably his rock for many years in his life and would help him through his depression and anxiety and general feelings like he wasn’t worth anything, died without much warning, and he hadnt seen him for 5 years already. his anxiety and depression probably got horrible after that, and then he had to skate one of the most important events of his life. tbh, he probably had an anxiety attack while skating and barely stopped himself from breaking down! he had so much stress and anxiety built up, theres no way he wasnt super overwhelmed by it all
and, as i said before, its probably the worst hes ever been in his life. hes overwhelmed, theres so much to do and he doesnt know how he can do it all and do it well. and he knows he needs to do something about his mental health, but that just adds on even more and hes just so, so lost and he doesnt even know where to start on anything. he doesnt know how hes supposed to keep on living at this point, he doesnt even know if he’ll be able to convince himself to get out of bed. and when you get that overwhelmed and lost and confused, you just sob uncontrollably. you dont know what to do and youre in so much pain that you just cry for what seems like forever, and it just makes you feel more lost. you sit there crying so hard you can barely breathe and the only thing youre thinking is ‘i dont know what to do. i cant do this. i dont know what to do’ over and over
and the only thing he can even think to do is to quit skating, because he cant do it anymore. not if it means feeling like that. he knows there were a lot of other factors, but the thought skating in competition and possibly ending up like that again gave him anxiety attacks. he couldnt do it then, so he went home.
viktor shows up, and having the best skater alive see so much potential in you that he drops everything to help you become even better and coach you helps with self esteem. but it also makes him feel guilty about ‘stealing viktor’, and it doesnt magically cure his fears of competing again. he barely manages to do hasetsu on ice without having a panic attack (right before he goes on we’re seeing through yuuris eyes; it goes blurry-ish and starts swirling, because hes about to cry). viktor manages to distract him enough that yuuri gets through the first competition fine, and having an experience where yuuri doesnt fail miserably or have a panic attack helps, but hes still afraid before competitions.
hes slowly getting better and more confident; less afraid of having panic attacks, more towards where he was before. but then he cries before his SP in china and hes terrified hes going back to that mental state where he was helpless. viktor again helps him through it by believing in him and yuuri calms down enough to skate really well. this boosts his confidence even more-- he could break down right before skating, but he was strong enough now that he could skate an amazing performance after, without having a panic attack
there arent any big anxiety-inducing moments after makkachin and viktor leaving him for his FS, and his mental state continues to improve slowly. but, the guilt of taking viktor grows and results in the end of ep 11, where he tells viktor he wants to stop skating. this time its not a decision made from panic and helplessness, but out of guilt and sadness. he’s not necessarily upset; more melancholy. sure, he was a little sad to end his career, but he felt happy with what he achieved and he was happy to let viktor skate again. he never thought viktor wouldve reacted the way he did, that viktor wanted him to keep skating to badly. sure, he knew viktor loved him and his skating (i mean, they got engaged!) but he didnt understand how much it meant to viktor (and to him; he didnt really realize how upset he was, too focused on his guilt)
he doesnt skate his SP in the GPF like he imagined, and he feels like he disappointed everyone. especially viktor; especially himself. his anxiety threatens to ruin his FS, but hes grown so much now and hes able to acknowledge his mistakes (though he doesnt realize that he was actually quite amazing; it wasnt exactly as he imagined, but it was good) without ruining his next performance. he breaks viktors record, something he hadnt spent a second even dreaming about, because it had seemed pointless. something impossible, an unattainable dream, so why bother even dreaming. he beat the living skating legend who he’s also marrying at ithe GPF. and he realizes that he doesnt want to stop. he wants to let viktor skate, because he loves him and loves his skating, but he was so close to winning. hes confident now, confident that given just one more year he could get gold, and confident enough to ask viktor for more of his time
this was long and ramble-y but... this is how i view yuuris mental health throughout the series. and theres definitely a lot of projection happening, but i dont think any of it is that far off from what happened in canon. i am so immensely proud and amazed at how strong yuuri is. coming back from such a low point where he felt helpless and miserable, to becoming as confident as he is at the end of the series. its honestly one of the hardest things to do in life. if you have anxiety and/or depression and youve had a low, low time like that, you know. its absolute hell to get anywhere when you feel like that. and yuuri went so, so far. he inspires me honestly, to keep on going in life, even though hes fictional. ive connected to him so much, and thats why i love to see him happy, because he reminds me that i can be like him. itll suck, but ill make it there. and ill forever be grateful to yuri on ice for giving me this character
that got really deep and personal um... i didnt mean for this. i was supposed to be playing overwatch.... side note: this is obviously very personal so please dont reblog ;;
