#;neg

Dear Diary,

So it's been a while, and there's a lot to say, I guess. Keith and I broke up for a little bit (24 hours so really not that long) but in that time I went through a lot of heartbreak and horrible pain. It was just awful -- I couldn't eat, I could hardly sleep...

Anyway, we broke up for that short period of time because there were a lot of little things in our relationship that we just weren't addressing. We let it all build up until we felt stuck. I say we, but it was mostly him. There were things wrong with him and the way he was acting, but I was fine with it, because the good is worth the bad, you know?

He said he just felt stuck, and that I had become someone really different from when we first started dating. I had become really codependent and insecure, and I was treating him like a counselor, expecting validation from him when that's not his job. It was putting strain on him and the relationship, and it just wasn't good.

So basically, we talked it out, we agreed that I needed to change, and ended up breaking up, and he promised that if he ever wanted to get back together, he'd come and talk to me. Well, 24 hours later, he came back and we talked. He said he was crazy about me and made a huge mistake, and we got back together. I promised him that I would try to work things out with my anxiety and stuff, but he promised that he would always be there for me and support me. I'm really happy and I think this is a great time for me to make my life over, but I can't help but worry still.

I told him two days ago what I've been feeling: that I'm still scared that he might just turn around and break up with me again. Basically some trust has been broken and some security is gone, and it's hard for me to move forward. I've just got walls up and they're hard to bring down.

He's being so sweet, and telling me he loves me, and that we're soulmates, and he wants to spend forever with me, and it's just so hard for me to believe right now. I really really want to, and I know that he'd never lie to me. He has no reason to say those things other than actually meaning them.

It's just so hard to believe.

I've been so hurt, and I just... I can't bounce back as easily as he can. I desperately want to be wit him forever, and these past few days have been amazing. He's loving, and affectionate, and attentive, and it finally seems like he really cares. It's been a long time since he's been like this. He thinks I'm beautiful and sexy and cute in every single thing I do, and I'm so glad, and I just wish that I could enjoy it.

I don't know how to fix myself. I don't know how to make myself believe him. I want this trust to just hurry up and be back and fixed, but it's just not that fast. It'll take time, I know... I just don't want that, in that time, when I'm being all weird and guarded and afraid, I don't want him to leave me again.

I hate being ruled by this fear. I hate it so much, and I don't know how to escape it.

But I know I will know. I'll go to counseling, I'll take up kickboxing, I'll hang out with friends, and I'll learn how to be myself again. I'll be social and confident and strong again, and I'l love myself again. But right now, I can't love myself. I can't love someone who is ruled by fear like this. I want so much to be the person that I know I can be, and it's infuriating that I can't just become that right now. It'll take time -- all of this will take time. And I'm so terrified of losing Keith in that time.

If it was so easy for him to leave me, why wouldn't he just lose it again?

But it wasn't easy for him. He cried when we broke up, he spent the entire 24 hours wondering when he would come talk to me to try to get me back. He's been trying to hard to get me to trust him again.

He wouldn't do all this if he didn't love me.

So why can't I just get that through my head? Why does my brain just refute it and push my fears to the front? It's all irrational -- every one of my fears are refuted by logic and reason, and yet I still can't believe it.

I really need to stop saying can't.

I can. I will. I'll believe it, because it's true. He loves me, and that's a fact. It's that simple. It's just like Wes said -- the shortest solution is the right one. Keith acts like he loves me because he loves me -- short and simple and true.

Dear Diary,

I'm doing that thing again, where I stay up really late because I don't want tomorrow to happen. I really don't know why. My relationship with Keith is flawless -- he's the most incredible man in the world and is treating me so well and everything is so great that I can't possibly be depressed about it. Sure, my insecurities get to me sometimes, but I don't think that's it.

I'm probably just really stressed. After all, there's plenty to be stressed about. My college still hasn't figured out my financial aid, so I still can't register for my classes, and they're mostly entirely filled up. I could have gotten into most of the ones I wanted if the school wasn't dragging its balls with this stuff. I don't know what's going on, so tomorrow I'll try to figure it out.

It's also just assignments, too. I'm really preoccupied -- I don't want to go to class, I don't want to do all these assignments; I have a close reading due, a 5 page group project paper thing, yadda yadda... Just a whole lot to do, and I'm not always certain on the specifics of everything... It's just stressful. And then I'm not sure what's going on with my job -- I don't think I'm fired? I'm still on their emailing list, but the time swiper won't read my ID card anymore and I don't know why -- it's as if I've been taken out of the system, which would be awful... I don't know. It's weird and confusing. I'll just keep going to work for the rest of the semester, see what goes on, and if I'm fired, then I'll just have to get another job somewhere else.

So school and money, basically. I just want to do whatever I want without ever having to worry about money. I know that's childish, but it's what I want, and it's stressful that I do have to worry about these things. I'll figure it all out, I'm sure, but it doesn't make things any less frustrating.

Ugh, these little hints of depression suck the worst. I have to stave it off, you know? Recognize it and then fight it, like some disease or something. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this, you know? It just makes everything worse. Oh well -- I'm strong, and I can handle it.

Love,

Dear Diary,

I'm not as strong as I'd like to be. I hate weakness in all its forms, and all I can see in myself right now if weakness. I'm 98% sure I just lost my job, and it's all my own fault so I'm not really that broken up about it since I did this to myself, but it's still upsetting and ruins a lot of plans I was making. I'm sure everything will work out just fine, but that doesn't take away how disheartened I am right now.

So, being disheartened, I asked Keith to come over and spend some time with me. He makes me happy, and I really need him right now. But thinking about that, I'm just... It's like I'm using him as a crutch. I can't make myself happy on my own -- my happiness is directly tied to how much time I spend with him. If I don't see him, I get unhappy more and more until I see him again. Lately I've been better, but now it's getting worse again, and I'm sure it'll continue in this manner for a while. At least until I get used to the college transition -- and I just hope that's soon.

But as I'm thinking about it... Is it possible to really be entirely your own person in a relationship? I know that it's probably unbalanced how much I'm tied to Keith, and I should get more happy with myself in general rather than relying on him to make me happy, but I feel like when you pledge your heart to someone, you do give a bit of yourself up. You are tied to them, no matter what. It's a vulnerability that you give -- that's what scares a lot of people out of love, I think.

So perhaps I'm just ultra vulnerable right now, and I know that needs to change. But what's wonderful is the knowledge that Keith will always be there for me, even when I do need to use him as a happiness boost. He'll be there when I'm happy, sad, or angry, and he'll be glad to be there.

I don't know what I'd do without him in my life. So often, I can't believe that he's here -- that my life, as horrible as it's been for so long, could actually take this turn. That I could be so happy. That somehow I deserve him. That someone so perfect can love me so much. It's really just astounding.

I'm thankful for him every single day.

...I feel a little better now. Thinking about how wonderful he is always cheers me up a bit. Now to spend some time with him.

Love,