Kuro sat in a booth in a fast food restaurant. The seat was cold and a tray of food lingered in front of them. They were always hungry. The food would be gone in no time and it was likely that they would go up to purchase more. But did they have enough? They had already bought a week’s worth of their personal fix; never mind the groceries and toiletries they needed at their apartment. The place was virtually empty and they didn’t seem to have a care in the world as long as they had what they need...

It was an addiction. Since the early days of March, they had been stuck in a cycle. They were destroying their own body with old and new narcotics they regularly abused. The changes hadn’t been noticed by them yet, but gradually their figure shrunk, their strength diminished, their glow dimmed, and their cheeriness ceased. This unhealthy outlet took away the bad things at first, but now it was stealing away the good too; their health, their friends, their family, their self-respect.

They dipped a single french fry into their small container of ketchup, gingerly coating each one before eating it. They hummed a tune to themselves as they observed the restaurant and the few people that sat in there with them. There was a small boy with his mother; it was clear the child was upset and his mother appeared distressed. Why sudden feelings of nostalgia and jealously rushed through their weakening veins was a mystery.

The mother and child leave. Kuro felt a wave of loneliness, but that happened too often enough to explain. It didn’t make sense. A lot of things didn’t make sense and they were actively looking for answers everyday. Was it under the bed? In this restaurant? Across the city in a ditch -- ?

“Why does that person over there look like a zombie?”

Who says that out loud? Kuro peeked up from their meal and tried to find the person whom had spoken so openly. They often forgot they weren’t of homosapian species, but because their secret was something they kept so hidden, their true origins had began fading away along with the light in their aura.

Perhaps it was just their heightened hearing that caught it. However, what they didn’t miss to catch was the three pairs of eyes staring in their direction. It was a group of young people such as themselves. They quickly avert their gaze down and attempted to regulate their sudden hyperventilating.

The fact that they felt the burning eyes of the flock of friends only confirmed they were talking about Kuro. But they couldn’t disagree or do anything. Dark circles had paired with their sunken eyes and hollowed cheeks; they were miserable. Even so, they finish their food and move on.

• • •

11:49 PM

With an unsteady stance, they stroll through the damp and dangerous streets of abandoned buildings. Were the buildings really empty, though? No. Kuro would often come across drug dealers, prostitutes, and people who were downright looking for trouble.

They fit right in.

How could Kuro afford the narcotics they desperately craved everyday? It was something they never talked about; something they kept locked in secrecy unless someone brought it up, but who out of all people knew about it? Maybe just one person, but it didn’t matter to them. It didn’t stop them. It didn’t hinder them from loitering on corners, seeking out clients.

Did they enjoy it? No. Every second of every occurrence they tried their best to keep their eyes shut. They thought of the wonderful things that made them happy, and constantly reminded themselves that in the end, it was worth it. But honestly, is it?

{ P a g e 5 }

I’m feeling better today. I wish I could say that for everyday but I know I can’t because some days are just better than others.

I started growing my hair a little while ago. I think it’s coming out nice. I kept cutting my hair short because I didn’t want a lot of attention but I think that just gave me more because I have a lot of people asking me if I’m a boy or girl. I don’t know myself but I miss wearing my hair long and those dresses you get for the summer. I think I would have to get comfortable again because I’m used to jeans and sweaters. Jeans and sweaters are really comfy. I can get big ones and curl up in them and go to sleep. Maybe not jeans though, but some sweats. I wonder why they call them sweats. And sweaters. And sweatshirts.

I remember when I would dress pretty for Byou. I felt nice and the way the dresses twirl around reminds me of princesses. Byou would call me princess. But I liked the way he said my name better. It sounded the best coming from him. Rest in peace. I love you.

I’m making more friends slowly and it’s been making me the happiest I have felt in a while. I met Vincent. We have a lot in common like painting and baking. He’s so funny. And really tall. A whole foot taller! I wonder what he’s able to see from up there. I can’t see much down here.

I wonder if Jihoo understands. He should because we’re pretty much the same size. Jihoo is my other friend and he’s funny too. He makes me laugh a lot. It’s been hurting to laugh because I haven’t done it in a long time plus my throat is weird lately. I have a bad cough. It’s okay. I’ll take medicine.

I’m 20 now. It’s weird. I don’t feel good about it. I did bad things to myself today and I didn’t even get to see Hurri. A doctor from a long time ago said to breathe deeply in and out if I want to calm myself down. I still cry but it works to make me less nervous. 

Last year my birthday was in a home. I had cake and presents but that stuff didn’t matter to me. I had family last year. I had Xiaoli, Ying, Jianguo, and Lucy. I think this is the first time I spelld out their names in here. It makes me want to throw up because I miss them. I miss them and I love them but Im not good for them anymore. This year on my birthday I just wanted to have smiles and laughs with my family again. The family I had. 

When I felt like this it was Lucy that sometimes came to hold me. I want to throw up because I’m upset. I don’t know what to do or how to do anything. Today I don’t want to say things are okay but they havent been ever. I’ve killed myself twice since the first time. Nobody knows that. Just you journal.

Everything hurts even though I’m empty. Maybe it’s the blood and the guts in me that hurts. It’s my heart.

Goodnight Lucy. I love you Lucy. I miss you Lucy. I know you hate me. I’m sorry Lucy.

{ P a g e  2 } 

Thanks to the work I’ve been doing I got my own home. It doesn’t feel like a home yet but I hope it will soon. It is a little apartmant. I am so proud of myself. I like taking care of myself because it makes me feel like a real adult. I wonder if he would be proud.

Work is weird. And it makes me sore. I don’t like it much but it helps a alot. I don’t know why I didn’t do it before cause I was doing the same thing to help get my medicine. If I really work myself then Im able to get more money. I am not looking forward to bills but at the same time I am because it’s an adult thing to do.

I only got a mattress and some blankets but it’s something and it makes me happy. Hurri was saying she would bring me a heater as a housewarming gift. That’s what she said it’s called. I think I’m excited.

What I really want to get for home is one of those big books that tell you what words mean. That way if I spell something that I’m not sure I spelled right then I could just look for it in the big book. If I didn’t spell it right then I can just fix it. I wish everything was easy to fix like that.

I think I am hurting more than normal because I rememberd that not a lot has meaning. I don’t know what do with myself and life but I am still getting up after my naps. I wish I could see his eyes again. I always did when I woke up from naps. It made me happy.

{ P a g e  1 }

I think I always feel lost. I don’t have a lot of people in my life any more. I lost my family but that’s my fault because I was bad. I don’t know why I’m bad. I talkd to doctors like I was told to but they only told me what’s wrong with my brain and gave me a paper. I forget what the paper was for but I never did any thing with it.

Okay. Now I make a new block of words. When I was in school my teacher always told me to space my things out. I think they said these are called paragrafs. I don’t know how to spell it. But I can sound it out the best I can. I hope I can find some one who can be proud of me for trying to be smart.

I’m lost. I like to stay at a friend’s house but I haven’t had a place I can really call home. I miss my family. But I don’t know if they are my family any more. I said they weren’t and it made me feel bad. I bet I made them feel bad too. That’s why I’m bad. I love them and I hurt them. I wish they knew that I love them still. They weren’t good to me any more because they always made my heart hurt but I still love them. I wish this didn’t happen. I wish I didn’t have to come back. But if I didnt come back would Hurri be okay? I know I’m not that important but I know I have helped her because she told me so. I know she wouldnt lie about that. Hurri is an angel. Like an angel queen. I love her. I love her a lot.