✞* blinded ╯
⊰ ◝ @rkkhg ⊱
all things considered, january’s evaluation should be easier than november’s. they’re both dancing, but january’s is only one song. there’s no one else to compare them to, a choreography taught specifically for them for this purpose. there’s no aju nice, with all of its jumping and exhaustion. there are still difficult parts of poison, but when it comes to the dancing, he could be confident. he could do well. his dancing has improved a lot even since november when he first signed to sphere. all of the potential is there, but there’s also a wall he just can’t get past to make it all click and come together.
he knows what it is, too. this month is his most difficult in sphere by far. not only is there no woojin like there was for november, but there is no kenta roaming the seocho complex; he can’t think of kenta, practicing for the same evaluation with his own song, and take comfort in that fact. he is the last of empty enigma standing as a trainee, and he only ever wanted to be here so no none of them would have to be alone. now the one alone is him.
he tries not to show it. he doesn’t have a right to be upset, and especially no right to hinder the rest of his group, so he keeps quiet, and keeps to himself, and keeps smiling, and pretends his mistakes are because he’s bad at dancing and not because his heart and mind aren’t in it.
sometimes he stays late to practice and sometimes he doesn’t. he knows he needs to do better, but sometimes he wishes he could be anywhere else, and he can’t bear to spend more time than required of him. tonight is one of the former, deep down still determined to do well, if only so he doesn’t burden or embarrass his team. if the mgas taught him anything it was not to let his emotions and mourning get in the way of their success, so he tries to live according to that.
hyunggu is by his side, helping him out with the choreography, staying longer than he needs to just to provide daniel his assistance, and he knows he doesn’t desire this kindness. he wonders if hyunggu would still do it, knowing his doubts, and how close he came to terminating his own contract. he’s only still here because he has no where else to go, his band fractured due to sungwoon’s pending enlistment even with everyone but him free from a contract.
he stumbles over a move, and it must be some instinctive lowering of his guard now that it’s after schedules, and the others aren’t with him, that makes his throat tighten. he pauses to try to collect himself, but his vision blurs and the tears come despite his fighting, so he rubs at his eyes to try and hide them. it wouldn’t be the first time he’s cried while practicing, but it would be in the presence of someone else. “sorry,” he apologizes, and he’s sorry for so many things.
