#;aud

yongguk was pretty sure he had never been this anxious in his life. with his right knee bobbing up and down because he just couldn't stop his leg from moving, twiddling thumbs, his bottom lip being abused by the biting of his front teeth, and a face filled with anxiety and sleep deprivation, it was obvious that the male was more than nervous. he couldn't believe that he was actually sitting in a waiting room to audition for such a large entertainment company. his dream company. the fact that amazed him the most was that this wasn't an open audition. he was actually scouted. they actually found potential in him. he never felt more proud of himself. everyone he had told was ecstatic about this. 

especially his mother.

she wasn't happy his hard work had paid off and was confident in the fact that he'd get accepted. even though yongguk tried to make her understand that just because you audition does not mean that you will get in, she refused to listen.

"i'm so happy for you."

"i knew your hard work would pay off."

"my son's gonna become a star." 

yongguk tried to correct his mom on that last part. his intention wasn't to be a star. he wanted to be an artist. someone who's focus was purely on the making of music and inspiring others. his dream wasn't to have strange colors dyed into his hair and stand on a stage doing a cute dance as he rapped in a style that didn't fit his voice. that wasn't what he wanted.

fame was great. yongguk would be lying if he said that he wouldn't care if he didn't have any fans after debuting. however it wasn't his main focus. he craved a different type of fame. the rapper didn't want to be on posters of a teenage girl's room or have his picture on a sock (he never really understood why that was such a huge part on kpop merchandise sales. it was kind of weird to have someone's face on your stinky foot in his opinion). he wanted something different.

he wanted people to be inspired by him. he wanted people to hear his story and feel motivated. he wanted people to understand that even if you did start off as some nobody doesn't mean you can't turn yourself into a somebody. he wanted people to understand the meaning behind lyrics and the power of writing.

that was his goal.

not to be an idol.

just be an inspiring artist.

more and more thoughts were cluttering in his head, knowing he'd be next to audition.

"what if i don't get in? what if i do i get in? what if i mess up? what if i slay the performance and amaze the judges."

he tried getting sleep the night before. he really did. but with the desire to continue to practice and also the fact he was to nervous to even think about rest, he voted against it.

his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a door opening and closing and the voice of a young male. "bang yongguk, bang yongguk," the male repeated looking around the waiting room. "we're ready for your audition."

yongguk stood up and followed the other, carrying his guitar case with him, into the dance practice room. his pokerface was on. the second he walked into that room, he managed to make himself look like he had done this plenty of times before. which was true. he had done performances and auditions in the past. none of them as big at this one.  he bowed to the judges, pulled a chair out from a corner of the room- he assumed it was used for some chair dance someone else auditioned with- and sat down. yongguk thought if he brought a guitar and played that would show off even more of creativity and skills.

"hello, i'm bang yongguk. i'm twenty two years old and my dream is to be a rapper and songwriter. this has been my aspiration since i was a teenager," he gave a warm smile. he didn't want to intimidate them. he took the guitar out of it's case and placed the case on the floor.

"today, i'll be performing a song i've written called 'q'. i hope you'll enjoy it," he nodded before beginning to strum the chords on the guitar with his guitar pick. clearing his throat he officially began.

"it's alright," his low voice spoke out. "yeah." 

"새벽 밤하늘 지쳐 보이는 달빛

어디가 그리 힘들어 많이

피하지마 그저 널 보는

내 마음이 아프고 답답해서

그래 말좀해봐 간단해 baby."

honestly, this was probably yongguk's favorite song he's ever written and made. there was no wonder why he had chosen it for the audition. he loved everything about it. the meaning, the tone, the guitar, the flow, the melancholy vibes. everything. surprisingly, when he rapped and played the guitar he forgot about everything going on around him and focused specifically on the performance. his finger continued strumming and his voice started up once again.

"모두가 잠든 이 시간만이

널 볼수있는 시간이

애써맘이 안내키면 말 안해도 돼 울지마

지금 새벽밤 radio소리야

alright... 묻고 싶어도."

"새빨간 입술 속 할말을 그저 감추고

입을 꼭 닫고 거짓말들을

난 또 만들고 맘편히 맘편히 

새벽 하늘을 바라보고

꾹 삼켜 난 또 난 또

꾹 삼켜 꾹 삼켜."

his mind kept a steady beat as if it was a metronome. his eyes were mainly focused on the judges, yongguk would look down here and there to make sure his fingers were in the right spot. so far he had no problem with chords. those classes he took at seoul arts university were well worth it. as he played, he tried to show as much emotional as possible in his face and voice.

"새벽밤 하늘 풀이 죽은

니 모습 슬프다

니 옆에 놓인 구겨진 옷들 누굴

그리 그리워하는 지

말없이 울고만 있는지

왜 니 곁엔아무도 없는지

묻고 싶다

외로워 보여도 널 위로하지 못해

쓸쓸히 왼손에 그 알약을 삼킬땐

그들의 거짓말들은

그냥 모른척해

이렇게 로할게."

he let out a sigh to add more to the melancholy feel before saying the next line, "i don't know what to say no more."

"it's the q," he repeated until the song was finished.

he had about a minute and a half left to wow the judges and he was not gonna let a single second go to waste. if he had the time, why not use it. "since, we have extra time, i'll be rapping to childish gambino- one of my rappers- 'sweatpants'."

quickly, yongguk stood up from the chair before changing the whole atmosphere of the room. instead of being some heartbroken guy who longed to comfort the person he loved but didn't know how to approach it, he was now a cocky and confident douchebag who could give less of a shit about anything.

immediately, fluent english was flowing out of his mouth. he supposed it was an advantage to live in america for most of his life. english certainly would come in handy in the entertainment business. the pace of this song was much quicker and yongguk figured that rapping it would show that he can pull different styles off. 

"different color, my passport, instagram my stack load hashtag my day wear and your girl drink my day care. and I'm born rich, life ain't fair."

yongguk used hand motions and bounced around a bit while rapping- something pretty much any rapper would do while getting into a verse. he was trying his best to pump up his audience."

"ain't nobody sicker than my fisker. vroom, vroom, ho," he moved his hands and swayed his body, as if he was using a steering wheel.

"ain't nobody-"

a pause was taken- imitating how donald glover did in this track- and a hand was raised as if he was some traffic police cop.  "fiskers don't make noise when they start up, just so you know," smoothly he transitioned back into the song and energy like nothing had ever happened.

"top of the hold 'em totem, rich kid forever, a million was not the quota my father owned half of moma and did it with no diploma year off, got no rules, tripping off of them toadstools more green than my whole foods and i'm too fly, jeff goldblum got a glass house in the palisades, that a-k-a white hood, white hood, okay-kay-kay furniture custom, you shop at ikea so maserati, you whipping a kia spending this money, it's longer than nia live like a coppola, me and sofia waking up broke, man, wouldn't wanna be ya friends with the dope man, help a brotha re-up bring a girlfriend, man, trouble when i see her "err-err-err-err": onomatopoeia, oh, i got my cool on!  i'm winning so they had to dump the gatorade and I don't give a fuck about my family name."

the speed of the rap increased as time went on and it was finished in quite an abrupt and aggressive manner. after the judges dismissed him, he bowed, reached down to grab the guitar, put it in it's case, and walk out.