#;2014

I am really done.  With you, who won’t even notice my absence since “I’m so important for you” that you might need days to realize I’m gone. With everyone, because I can’t handle to feel so tied up by what people think or may think of me. With myself, a never ending source of disappointments since the day I was born. I’m just really not meant for this world, no matter how hard I try to mold myself to fit it. I just can’t. I can’t go on feeling the overwhelming weight of everything that happened around me; I can’t even get out without feeling everything that’s around me, be it people’s emotions, thoughts, their imperceptible actions, their secrets, the crisis, the wars, the politics, the injustices on every social level, the reflex of the sun blinding my sight, the heat, the cold, the abyssal difference from a place to another even if they are just few miles apart, the need I feel for people to be around me and the need I feel to be free. Everything. I think I should just learn to cover my eyes and my ears and live like most of humans do, letting what does not concern myself slip away without even touching me, leaving me impassible and selfish but I can’t. I don’t know how to end this, it’s like an unceasing murmuring of the world speaking to me, it’s strong and I can’t stop it. It’s hard to cope with it. I’m done with everyone. I’m done being taken for granted by the ones I gave the most to. I’m done giving the wrong impression just because I don’t want to speak using too long sentences because people gets quickly bored to listen. I’m done having to control everything I do because it could be wrong by any perspective you look at it. I’m just done. And tired. My body feel so heavy right now. I don’t know what to do.

I think that one of the most true true quotes on The Perks Of Being a Wallflower was “You can’t help people, you can just love them”. I don’t know why people can’t understand that, I got to discover it late myself so I think it’s okay if many still can’t get to it. But still. I don’t want to make people feel bad because they feel like that can’t help me, I perfectly know it’s ME who doesn’t want to help ME. I get the positive vibes, I appreciate them all, but all I need is to work on them by myself. I need to elaborate them, make them mine, get a unique positive vibe that can fit to my damaged soul so I could fill the holes I have into it.  It’s not like I push people away or I don’t appreciate their help, everything means a lot to me, I just have to work on them by myself and until then I will keep on feeling alone. Because I look for that loneliness, it helps me, it keeps me safe.. I never really open up so don’t even commit the mistake to expect to know all of me, because you don’t. No one does, no one really does and I think that no one ever will.  So just love me, don’t try to help me. It will be enough for me. I will be endlessly grateful.

Bye.