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Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I need to listen to classical music more, I always forget how much it moves me. I just love it, always have. Part of what made me fall in love with ballet as a kid was the beautiful music. Oh the joy to rediscover love.
All because of a silly anime. Thank you, Your Lie in April.
I think I need to just withdraw further. Just stop existing entirely.
I may not be okay today.
I am still just pretending I am okay. My depression. My rage and contempt. My nagging feeling that I can't win, that I will always be rejected and fail those I care about is right there under the surface.
I am honestly surprised at my survival so far. I thought I'd be dead before 30, or at least 34. I'm turning 40 this year.
Spiraling While I Wait
I am on the Bed,
In my office.
In the dark.
In hard fought
Solitude.
Explaining,
Consoling,
Instead of supported.
I lied though,
When I said
"I'm okay".
I'm not okay.
My mind is full of all the ways I struggle and try.
All the labor they will thank me for and forget.
The grace I pour and pour from my cup,
That never gets truly filled by others.
Love I feel and try to express,
But circumstance demands that I am
Misunderstood.
My failings,
In body and mind,
They are always hurt.
And that is unforgivable.
I am loved.
Occasionally I am seen.
Rarely and I supported.
Never am I saved.
"Save yourself" they say,
"You're so strong" they praise,
"You can figure it out" they assure me.
But they don't understand.
I don't even understand.
Why I am so weak.
So useless.
So undesirable.
So helpless.
So unproved.
So untrusted.
So very, very unforgivable.
Trying to explain to him that he is not assuming best intentions, that what he's doing doesn't reflect who I know them to be. I guess I made mistakes that aren't forgivable? I thought they were better at taking accountability, too, the whole situation didn't have to be, if they had reacted with a "ah, haha, yeah, just venting" giving me an opportunity to say "yes of course, my bad". Instead it just kept escalating. Now I feel alienated from my own intentions and feelings. We'll figure it out he's good at that when we're on an actual video call or in person. I just gotta not give up and trust that I know her well and they will extend me grace eventually.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I dag er MidvinterÂ
Den korteste dag
Længste nat
I did not sleep last night
It's winter solstice
The day is short
The night is long
Har sovet dagen væk
My body doesn't feel right
It was 80°F out today
Det er 19° grader nu
Længe efter solen svandtÂ
Hvad laver jeg her?
I ask again
But I live here
Det er mit hjem
Men jeg er ikke hjemme
And this is not my language
Jeg taler engelsk hele dagen
But my danish got me work
Something my degree
Have yet to do
Det er ellers enÂ
fin uddannelse
The day has gone
Natten længe faldet
Har taget min medicin
I should sleep tonight
Today I flaked, on myself. I didn't do the thing. I spent a stupid amount of money on a silly mobile game and didn't eat all day.
I did feed myself though. With stuff we already had, so that was something.
They held me, they nuzzled me, and gave me pleasurable attention and affection.
I needed that, but didn't feel worthy of it. I forgot to drink water too.
I have a headache now. Not exactly new for this week. Tomorrow I reinitiate the allergy shots and I'll try to get some course work done. I can do this. It just requires that I do it, I don't even have to try that hard. Just invest the time.
