#!perse

“oppa, are you just going to stare at the camera? say something!”

immediately he turns to look at the camera, away from the comments and laughs shyly. “oh! sorry! i was really fascinated!” he laughs. at that he clasps his hands together and notices that the viewer count has increased, there’s a good number of people watching him now.

“everyone! it’s our one year already!” he beams, and he claps his hands together, smiling wide. “can you believe it’s already been one year with per_se? i wanted to celebrate it with all of you, that’s why i decided to do this vlive!” he continues, and he watches as the number of hearts continue to increase. “it’s something really special to me, and something that i think could only be achieved thanks to our fans! i can say thank you a million times but it’ll never be enough,” his words are sincere as he speaks, and he knows they aren’t face-to-face, but he hopes that his genuine gratitude can reach them. “i was going to write a long... cheesy... instagram post... but i wanted to be able to share this moment with all of you!” he smiles.

from the corner of his eye he spots a comment that says “do you miss hugo?” but he ignores it –– he has to. he’s not too sure if he’s allowed to speak on it, if the company might come after him if he does. it’s not exactly a situation that he can speak so candidly about.

the vlive proceeds, and haknyeon continues to read other comments. “what have you been doing lately?” a comment asks.

“me? i’ve been practicing of course~ i’ve been working really hard on my rapping and dancing and singing too! i want to make sure ceo hyunbin doesn’t call me a terrible singer!” he adds the last part cheekily, referring back to when the ceo had called him a terrible singer on television. it’s not as though hyunbin would watch these vlives, right? he’s sure a little playful jab wouldn’t hurt. 

another comment catches his attention. 

“i didn’t know you were friends with anna!” 

he smiles as he answers, “we are! anna noona and i went to the same highschool! she’s a year older than me and we didn’t see each other much in highschool since she was a trainee back then, but we got a lot closer after i debuted! she’s a dependable senior!” 

“are you close to convex?”

“definitely! i have a few friends in convex~ we’re buddies!” he smiles widely. it’s always fun to talk about his friends, and the friendships he’s made. “sang–– ah, link, haru, micha and i were actually all in a dance crew before we became trainees. it’s crazy right? then i became a trainee, and then link hyung, then micha, then haru... then we all debuted! they’re really close friends of mine! and they’re really talented too! how can i not be a consta when they have so many handsome members right?” he cheekily raises his eyebrows. “ah... but my bias is actually jinwook sunbaenim,” he laughs before he makes a heart with his hands. “jinwook sunbaenim, i love you!”

more comments continue to flow in, and it’s getting a little tough for him to read them one by one. but he notices the interest in his idol friends, and decides to speak about it.

“other idols i’m close to? i’m really close to de:code’s shion and a.c! jihoonie... seonho...” he calls out their name playfully. “i remember crying at jihoon’s graduation because i was sad that he was leaving school! super embarrassing right? but that’s how close we were,” he smiles fondly at the memories, and makes a mental note to check on jihoon. “and i’m really close to seonho too! we have a lot of history together,” he smiles, but ends it at that –– he isn’t going to disclose just how much history they have of course.

“of course i’m close to and*roma! they’re our sister group!” he says with a smile. “darae noona is like my nova mum! she took such great care of me when i first entered nova, i’ll forever be grateful to her!” he beams. “speaking of which, and*roma just had a comeback so be sure to listen to the song lots! i’ve been listening to it nonstop because it’s so good,” he holds up his phone and shows the and*roma album that he’s liked on melon. “and*roma is the best!” at that, he puts a thumbs up.

“if darae is your mum, then is hui your dad?”

haknyeon laughs out loud before he nods his head. “yes! you are one hundred percent correct!” the accuracy in that statement has him giggling a little more. “actually, let me tell you a funny story about hui hyung and i! when i first entered the company, hui hyung was like... a legend! like a legend among legends in the b-boying world! so of course i had to ask him to practice with me and help me train, right?” the comments begin pouring in with yes huidong oppa is a legend! and haknyeon nods. “and once while we were training, he was teaching me how to do this trick. it was really tough, but after trying a few times i got it! i was so happy and excited that i looked up at him and i said thanks dad! i called hui hyung dad!” he’s giggling as he tells the story, his encounter with hyung. he doesn’t think he’s shared this story anywhere else before, but what better time to share it then now during his vlive, right? “that was so embarrassing! and he just looked at me all surprised,” at this, he attempts to imitate huidong’s expression at that time, but he’s still laughing. “hui appa, hui appa,” he adds, smiling as he reads the comments, most of which were full of laughter. 

“i actually have a lot of funny anecdotes with all the members! like that one time jungwoo hyung and i got matching couple bracelets but we lost them and had to get new ones! and when i accidentally back hugged ricky hyung when i was still a newer trainee! that was actually quite scary,” he shudders a little, “but we’re closer now of course! and when hosung hyung and i went on an adventure in morocco!” these are fond memories of his, and he almost lets slip a memory he’s shared with hugo, but catches himself before doing so. 

he’s careful not to let his expression slip, and quickly he turns back to the comments. 

“can you say i love you noona?”

haknyeon reads the comment out loud and looks at the camera. “okay! be sure to record this alright?” he smiles. “noona, i love you!” he says, before he continues. “and for our male fans, hyung, i love you!” lifting both his arms, he makes a heart shape over his head.

“hyung loves you a lot junju”

he giggles at the comment and makes a heart finger. “i love you more hyung!” he says, scrunching his nose in an attempt to cutely show how serious he was at loving. 

another comment immediately catches his attention, and at this haknyeon bursts into laughter.

“5 hyunbin sajangnims or a 5 year old hyunbin sajangnim?”

he’s laughing as he reads the comment. usually you’d expect to see this question about the members but seeing one about your ceo is something he honestly didn’t think would happen. 

“ah... do i have to answer this? i’d rather not...” he replies. “it’s so funny just thinking about it. imagine me bowing 90 degrees to a five year old and greeting him with hello sajangnim!” he laughs. the image itself is funny to just think about. “for this... pass!”

haknyeon continues to read the comments, unaware of how much he’s been talking –– mostly because he’s having such a great time communicating with the fans. 

“put on some filters!”

“filters?” he repeats, fiddling with the screen. “ah... here we are!” he begins to play with a bunch of them, from a cat filter, to one of him in a beret, to a filter of him as a dinosaur. 

he opens his mouth wide, like how a dinosaur would and smiles. “this is how much i love you!” he says, and he attempts to open his mouth even wider, only to accidentally choke on his own spit. 

there’s a lot more talking during the vlive, most of which is full of haknyeon thanking the fans, and sharing stories that he can remember. like how nervous he was during their debut, and how happy he was when they celebrated his birthday with him. it’s only when a notification saying “your phone is at 20%” pops up, does he gasp a little.

they can’t compete with no activities, they can’t break even with no checks to earn. hemorrhaging money, that’s the phrase they always use in the movies, or in contract rooms, or in law offices. he’s hyper aware of it with every meal they eat, with every hour the air conditioning cools the apartment, with every grocery run or snack break. it makes his own meals start to feel stressful again, they way they used to before he started seeing a company-sponsored doctor...another glaring contractual expense that will undoubtedly see his own individual earnings further in the red.

how is everything? how are you? are you eating? his mother’s texts and calls and video chats are still regular. good, fine, yes, are always his answers. in reality everything is in shambles, he is a basket case, and food feels like an unnecessary expense when the ship is sinking around him.

he watches convex’s don’t wanna cry and he can’t help it, the thought that crosses his mind, the fleeting recollection of a notice hung on every bulletin board across samsung’s building in seocho: that could have been him. it’s a pang in his chest, because back then, it was unwavering loyalty to and unmoving faith in nova, in his future with the company. now, he sees job security he cannot relate to in stunning choreography and sharp synchronicity and handsome faces that he probably wouldn’t have to carry on his back through every dance rehearsal. the comments, as to be expected, as they should be, are glowing and frantic and impossible to keep up with at the rate they fly across his screen. 

how are you? are you healthy? do you need money? his brother is a little more straightforward, a little more blunt, sounds more and more like their father all the time (their father, meanwhile, seems appeased by the news relayed to him through their mother). fine, yes, no, are yuchan’s answers for him. physically, he is perfectly fine, so perhaps the lie about his health is half true. certainly he needs money, but there is too much pride coursing through his veins to admit it, especially when he knows his brother must be up to his neck in medical school expenses and the lingering costs of the months-old marriage he now boasts on his left ring finger. 

he doesn’t know how to tell his family that he is terrified, that he thinks he has failed, somehow, that his own individual auditions have been fruitless, that he fears the news any day now that the gamble nova took on per_se isn’t salvageable, that he will be sent back to busan disgraced and indebted and forgotten.

panic. that is the word for the feeling welling up in him like a broken water main. he succumbs to it for the first time in months, slipping out of an impromptu dance practice after he feels himself losing patience with the pace at which they’re moving as a group, and into a bathroom stall, as he is so accustomed to doing. panic, because, what if, by some horrible miracle, everything, all of it, seven and a half years, was for absolutely nothing? or, perhaps, less than nothing?

he feels like he might vomit, but he never does, staring into an unforgiving toilet bowl until he starts to see a certain number of zeroes staring back out at him in his mind, the same amount of zeroes on his artist contract, like eyes watching him drown in midair. 

panic.

eventually it subsides, but only just: only enough that he can breathe again. but it isn’t entirely gone. it is still there grating on his consciousness, tensing his jaw, tightening his muscles, straining his nerves. he doesn’t speak to anyone for the rest of the day, save to their manager, and to huidong, in short, clipped phrases, lest he lose his temper in the direction of the wrong person. his stomach is still turning and the numbers are still ticking in his head, so he downs a hastily mixed protein shake and disappears into his room.

perhaps he will find some reprieve in sleep. perhaps there will be no panic when his eyes finally slip shut and body settles into the mattress.

his position is that of a rapper, and most might know him as such, but the last time he’d properly sung was during the supernova project, and the last thing he wants is for people to have that as the memory of his vocal ability. he’d like to think that he’s improved a lot more, that he was no longer the vocal hole of the group (even if he didn’t need to sing any lines in any of their songs, or belt out the high notes). at the very least, he must’ve improved some bit... right? if not, how could they have given him the okay to post a cover.

he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous, but even more so if he said he wasn’t excited to show this newer image of himself, to reveal just how much he’d improved, that he was no longer that terrible singer that hyunbin said he was. 

when he debuted, haknyeon told himself that he’d work hard to make his fans proud, so that they wouldn’t be embarrassed to like an idol like him. he was doing this for himself, and them.

he sits in the recording studio and holds onto his guitar. he’s shown himself playing the piano before during the mgas, but he’s not too sure if he’s ever played the guitar anywhere else for the public to see.

taking in a deep breath, he gently strums his guitar, before he turns to look at the staff. “i’m ready,” he smiles.

his fingers meet the strings of the guitar as he begins to sing.

“ remember when we first met...? ”

he begins to sing. he’d chosen a troye sivan song, particularly one used in the movie love, simon, and in all honesty he’d wanted to cover it last month ( hint hint, the month of june for various reasons ), but he’d been too afraid that he wasn’t at a competent level to show his skills yet, and had held it off till july.

as he sings, he can only hope that the months of training he’d put into his vocals show, the lack of sleep he’d forced upon himself to learn how to hit high notes, and the bruises he’d gotten from squeezing his stomach in an attempt to vocalise better, would be evident.

“ long nights, daydreams sugar and smoke rings, i've been a fool but strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you ” 

his lips tilt upwards into a smile, as he pours himself into the song. the song then transitions itself into korean lyrics, as he continues singing, adding a little bit of his own take into the song. 

it isn’t a long cover by any means, but it’s one that he’d worked hard on, hoping to share with his fans. as the song comes to an end, haknyeon slowly strums the guitar before he smiles shyly.