#!db

it's a long way / long way back  i've never been so / far before [ 🎻 ]

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   “everyday.”

    there wasn’t a moment where lancelot didn’t think back to the man he was. he was lancelot du lac, the greatest knight that camelot and the seven kingdoms would ever see. his destiny was set in stone. he would march alongside the greatest king that any world would know. 

    he was a gentleman. kind and chivalrous. he didn’t step down from danger, but he was smart and greeted every situation with a leveled head. he was skilled in horseback riding, sword fighting and even jousting. archery was also something he excelled at. he was loved by women and men wished to be his friend. the other knights looked up to him as a standard. guinevere sought his council and attention while arthur relied on his opinion and was his friend. 

   lancelot du lac was a man of honor.

   the man who still went by lancelot was a coward and didn’t deserve the name.

   “seunghwan cannot hold a stick to lancelot,” he admitted with a short smile.

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   lancelot paused his eating, eyeing the other beside him. nothing was really said between the two to cause for such a blatant statement. in honesty, he wasn’t even quite sure he really knew who the other was.

   however, the words sat with him for a moment. everything that brought lancelot to where he was at that moment was built on a lie that he wanted to believe. a lie that he could just erase his feelings. that erasing his feelings would make everything better, but like a coward, he didn’t just try. he didn’t try to make things better. in his mind, he just suffered and he didn’t want to suffer anymore.

   while the message was hitting home for lancelot, he wasn’t quite sure where the other was even coming from. it wasn’t as if the other would know what was true or not in lancelot’s life when he never offered anyone the actual truth as to how everything ended up.

   he cleared his throat, “i do hope you’re not referring to the apple pie. i was quite looking forward to a piece.”

   making a joke was easier than allowing his mind to wonder anymore than it already was.

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( au-ish: after uther dies )

    lancelot stood beside arthur, his expression low and grim. like all of camelot, he felt the lose of the king, but more than anything, he felt for arthur. arthur was the last pendragon now. he was now the new king of camelot because of his father’s untimely death. illness waged a far greater war on uther than anything else.

   arthur seemed seemed unsure of where he stood as a king. he was loved by the people of camelot, but as a prince, not as a king. this was something that no matter how much studying he did, would never truly prepare him for what was now before him.

   a whole kingdom.

   as they stood on the balcony, overlooking camelot, lancelot could only imagine the mix of emotions running through his friend and king. there was so much he wanted to say, but none of it seemed right. in all honesty, he wished he could just offer the other a hug, but in such an intimate moment of sadness, no matter what lancelot’s feelings might want from him, he would not make such a gesture.

   hesitantly, lancelot reached out, resting his hand on arthur’s shoulder. he felt the other tense under his hand, but he soon relaxed. lancelot squeezed his shoulder as a sense of relief, “it is a lesson you have to learn, but i will stand beside you. i will bare you hardships as best i can.”

   he offered a small smile and a nod of encourage. his heart clenched, wanting to do more, but he knew his place. 

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   he wasn’t sure why those words seemed to repeat in his head like a mantra. they were so simple, uttered by someone he barely knew. similar words were told to him by others, but hearing it from an outside observer was strangely cathartic. 

   his life was torn apart because of his weakness and since that first day where he turned against the man he was, he was so focused on his failures and what led him to that moment that he couldn’t move past it. 

   for the longest time, he thought that he could turn his life around and prove everyone wrong and truly gain the forgiveness he wanted, but he hadn’t done anything. he continued wallowing in his own self-pity and refusing to actually change.

   “... thank you,” his voice was soft, but sincere. the look on his face was mixed in a expression of determination and relief. a soft smile appeared on his lips, “time to do what i set out to do.”

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    “yes.”

     the reply became far quicker than he actually expected. he was surprised by his own reaction, but it was the truth. he did remember what it felt like to be happy. it was a feeling he held dearly. he knew some happiness now. whenever he saw beauty, he found himself filled to the brim with a sense of pleasure and happiness that he had not felt in such a long time, but there were times where he truly missed camelot.

    he missed his home. he missed the other knights; his comrades and friends. they stood by his side and served camelot as its defenders. they stuck by each other through everything. they laughed and cried. 

   more than anything, he missed guinevere and arthur. even if he was their servant, they never treated him as such. he was their friend and confidant. both of them depended on him and while his feelings tore him apart on the inside, the moments he shared with them were held so dearly in his heart.

    “sometimes i find that those happiest moments are the reason i do not give up,” he smiled softly, eyeing the other, “while all of fabletown looks at me like a traitor, the reminders of my days of happiness and the possibilities of a future keep me trying to gain back what i lost.”

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  lancelot chuckled lightly, rolling his eyes before taking a sip of his whiskey. he sighed as sat his glass down on the table and rubbing his forehead.

    this was a fact he knew all too well. how many times he thought back to his past and how he wished things could have gone differently. if he knew what he did now, would he have been strong enough to stop it? but that would be the easy way. he wouldn’t have truly learned anything.

   “it is... an unfortunate truth,” lancelot admitted with a small nod of his head, glancing towards the female. he doubted she really cared what he thought of her statement, or wanted any part of his self-pity. it was a party for one, after all. 

   he glanced away, staring off into space for a moment, “the maker is as cruel as he is forgiving....”