{ ` hesitates at first, a mixture of rage and sadness keeping him occupied in the training room for hours before he feels remotely okay to pick up the phone—after his sister, there’s only one person who he thinks to call, lips pursing as he dials the number (he still isn’t brave enough to add her back into his contacts) and waits, only speaking when he’s sure that she’s picked up } …are you okay?
{ ` it takes less than expected to pick up the phone, though soojung—soojung is desperate. wanting no more than comfort at this point, something to put her mind at ease – hasn’t changmin always managed to do that? when he wasn’t tearing her heart to pieces, of course, no, what he did was nothing compared to this. the telekinetic was revolted – how someone could do this to a girl that young, soojung’ll never know. she never wants to know. } i— { ` the girl pauses, making a small pained (helpless) noise in response as she releases out a shaky breath, fighting a losing battle against a fresh wave of tears } no. { ` i’m just so scared changmin } i’m not. { ` i’m so scared – i don’t want to live like this } a—are you?
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{ ` he’d be lying if he didn’t say that something in him wasn’t hinged on those words. that it was just his breath that stopped when her sentence fell short by far too many words. it was wrong to want to hear them back, but he’d built his life doing wrong things—on clinging to lost things—and it was a habit that he couldn’t break; seconds spent speaking to his reflections in the morning had proven that. } i know, i—i can’t do that. { ` a self-deprecating sound slips out, neither laugh nor sigh. even if this was the life he’d chosen, he could say with certainty that jung soojung was the single thing that he regretted leaving behind. his innocence had always been debatable on some level— } we could meet? in the city? { ` changmin makes blind, hopeful grasps at straws, tugging at dark strands of hair and contemplating the merit of finding another bar to drown his heartbreak in—and that’s what this is, nothing short of heartbreak; brought upon him by his own hand. even the concern in her voice hurts. the bitter reminder of how gentle and kind she was is one that he swallows as though it’s a hard knot in his throat. } i am drunk. { ` there’s a degree of shame in that simple fact, exhaled into the receiver as through he’d be granted catharsis with that single admission. } i’m sorry i called so late, soojung. { ` maybe she’d accept this apology, even if she wouldn’t accept the rest. }
{ ` she is at a loss of words but at the same time not—there are loads of things to say, soojung has ran through more than a handful of mental conversations; what she should say, how she should say it. that she’s angry, disappointed, disgusted, hurt, and betrayed — but at the moment, where soojung needs a working conscience the most; it is radio silence that greets her, disturbed only by the sound of her heart slamming against her rib cage, as if changmin was pulling the organ out himself with his words—with promises of a reunion that soojung is sorely tempted, so tempted, to take him up on } — { ` but she can’t—soojung knows she can’t, knows fully well she’s not the slightest bit accepted into the city; she’s not even accepted in her own home } i can’t. i’m not…welcomed in the city. { ` soojung feels her stomach lurch at her own revelation, despising admitting it out loud more than ever } if you want to meet me you’ll have to come here. { ` she hopes she relays her words with enough firmness to wave his decision—even though she knows she shouldn’t, but the thought of seeing shim changmin again is something she has been hoping for more than she would ever truly admit } — { ` she doesn’t know how to respond, opting to stay quiet momentarily for the clenching of her heart to pass hopefully enough for her to speak — soojung remembers how he is drunk very well, something that makes her more than a little bit upset and worried; what if there’s a repeat of last time? how many times can he “accidentally” almost walk off a roof? } go home, changmin. { ` she speaks after a long moment, swallowing thickly as she shifts in bed — knowing fully well sleep will once again elude her for the night } i’ll… i’ll stay on with you till you get back. { ` to make sure you’re okay — soojung remembers her “promise” to him clearly }
{ ` nowhere, his mind immediately supplies. the only thing that changmin can say with any certainty is that he doesn't have the right to ask for anything from her. he doesn't deserve the right to be in the same room, breathing the same air. } i— { ` her words tear at him, sending his heart clenching in his chest. his hand lifts to run down his face, tone heavy with guilt. } i know, and i don't want "before". { ` he couldn't tell her a thing then—shouldn't now but } i just want to see you.
{ ` just hang up, why are you even humoring him anymore? the voice sounds like han's, like jinri's, like everyone's but her own--maybe that's why soojung was inclined to ignore it, the fact that her own voice--a traitor just like her heart--whispered anything but } i-- { ` want to see you too -- she clamps her mouth shut before those words could escape, sniffing as her heart lurches, arm pressing against her eyes with a bit more pressure; it takes everything to keep her voice steady, quiet, soft -- to give off the impression that this wasn't tearing her up for reasons she's not entirely sure of; she should be over him by now } how do you suppose you'd do that? it's not like you can just waltz across campus and crawl into my bed again, changmin. { ` the distance between them is obvious--even if she didn't have a single clue where he was } and you're drunk. { ` she adds on quietly--hesitant, almost--the slightest bit of worry taking hold (this is all so fucking laughable) as she presses her lips together } Â
{ ` he shouldn't be talking to her. the revelation strikes without mercy, leaving changmin to sit and listen as she tells him everything he'd knew she'd say—soojung was always kind, in the end—and something he hadn't expected. her last words filter into his alcohol addled brain, giving hope and dashing it in very same breath. he wouldn't make excuses; he'd done what he had done. } i don't know why you do, soojung. but i know why i like you, and i know why it won't change. even if i'm a stranger.
{ ` she doesn’t know what to expect – the heart slamming and thrashing against her rib cage is a wild one; it wants to break out, soojung is half inclined to tear it out. at least that’s how it feels right this second—changmin’s words don’t provide joy, relief, or reassurance; at least none that could be felt over the overwhelming amount of raw pain, twisting her heart and churning her stomach } – { ` soojung is hurt – she doesn’t understand, she doesn’t even begin to rationalize the intricate feelings behind shim changmin. the good, the bad. the affection, the fear. just what kind of person is he—to have consciously made the decision to kill so many people? just what kind of person is she—to consciously consider forgiving him? } – { ` a fool, you’re a fool } and what? where are we supposed to go from here? { ` she speaks past the ever familiar lump in her throat } there’s no going back to before changmin.
{ ` her question shouldn’t catch him by surprise. shouldn’t have his heart racing to the point of pain, but changmin feels it; an acute clenching that steals his breath for a moment before he forces out a sound. it borders on stricken. } i wanted to hear your voice. { ` and there it is, his name slipping out—though not in the same way that he’d always remembered—on her lips. his head tilts backward, brows furrowing while his free hand runs through his hair. } i’m sorry. for everything, soojung.
{ ` briefly, she considers hanging up -- considers following the mantra she had chanted to herself every time something--be it a chair in the library, a certain corner in the school halls--reminds her of shim changmin. the person broadcasted on the news was not him any longer. did not deserve her feelings, her affection--her worry--he deserves nothing. you mustn't give him any more of your heart to break jung soojung. } -- { ` but the voice on the other end of the phone matches nothing of the images drawn up by the media, nothing of the phantom terrorist persona she had unknowingly or not fabricated within the depths of her mind to help ease the heartbreak -- it's better to hate him, you have to hate him; though that was easier said than done when the shim changmin on the line sounded far too much like the one soojung had grown accustomed to } why... { ` she starts, brows furrowing as she rests her forearm over her eyes, biting down on her lower lip -- you can't forgive him } why are you apologizing to me when there are tons of broken hearts and families out there because of you? { ` a laugh--because it's ridiculous, the fact that he's apologizing to her is ridiculous. the fact that a part of her considers forgiving him is just as absurd } you should be apologizing to the family members you took away from good innocent people -- not to some silly girl who stupidly put her faith and feelings toward, i guess, a complete stranger. { ` her voice sounds a bit strange, if anything, as the revelation strikes her just a bit too late -- compared to the likes of her who barely hid a thing, changmin is a stranger, no different from a random student picked from the crowd } i didn't know you at all. { ` her words are thick with an emotion soojung couldn't exactly be bothered to identify, another self depreciating laugh spilling from her lips, her eyes squeezes shut underneath the cover of her arm, a tear rolling down her cheek -- why is she sad, why does she like him, why is it like this. why. } i don't even know why i like you. Â
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{ ` he shouldn't have done this. the bleary, muddled mantra repeats itself in his mind while he listens to the other end of the line. soft, almost inaudible breaths, and before he can do a thing to stop it, his heart sinks. aches with the sound of her voice. he shouldn't have done this. } ... { ` his fingers grip the edge of the bench, where he sits alone with his thoughts. } hi. { ` and it's as if he's never left; his words carry a smile (soft. defeated.) } i missed you.
{ ` it doesn't take much to recognize his voice -- soojung knows because there has been dreams and memories and flashbacks and mini-heartbreaks, all tied to that voice. she remembers--"can we talk in your room? ...i'm leaving the school."--all too well. clear in comparison to phantom kisses placed on her cheeks and lips once upon a time and erratic heartbeats that leaves her more than slightly breathless--she remembers shim changmin. despite the days and weeks and months--her heart, the first heavy thump within her chest cavity and resonates all over, does as well } w... { ` she starts, unable to pinpoint a specific feeling in the cocktail of emotions that seizes her -- though her voice is soft, subdued, tinted with sadness soojung couldn't even hide on her better days; not when she's dealing face to face (sort of) with one of the bigger issues responsible for the cracks (big and small) in her heart } what are you doing are you calling me? { ` why are you doing this to me } ...changmin.
{ ` maybe her number is still the same. maybe it isn't. he can't be sure, given that he'd promised himself never to call; never to text. it's hard enough just to avoid thinking about her. but, even with her number deleted from his contacts, he remembers it with ease. even when he's downed far too many shots to see the numbers clearly, his thumb slides over the screen by memory. after weeks of tracing the pattern and erasing it, this time he hits send and lifts the phone to his ear. quiet. }
{ ` her personality has always been slightly (if not vastly) addictive. jung soojung is weak. she is going down in flames. she is hiding behind allergy medicines for a night of solid, dreamless, guiltless, sleep. she is resorting to pain and anxiety medication to function as a normal being--because if it was hard in january, it was harder now--she settles for online games where she can be anyone but herself to keep herself preoccupied at three in the morning when sleep eludes her after a particularly bad nightmare. hasn't her entire life been an nightmare so far?Â
she is doing anything and everything to stop herself from thinking. bad thoughts, good thoughts, nostalgic thoughts that hurt far worse than anything -- everything.
today's jung soojung can't even afford to be oblivious } --
{ ` she is tossing and turning in her bed when the phone rings -- and soojung doesn't think, doesn't consider it, before she reaches out; subconsciously anticipating something--anything--in a form of a proper distraction } -- { ` lithe fingers curliing around the device, soojung wastes no time to press it against her ear, blindly tapping the bottom of the screen to accept as she presses her cheek to the pillow, eyes shut; she doesn't think twice of who it could possibly be } hello?
MAY 15TH, 2:16PM.
how did we get here? when i used to know you so well?
CHANGMIN: { ` he's aware that this talk is coming, that it has to come before the end of the week (sober, he hates that part, but it's just as necessary as telling her himself) -- but it does nothing to help the case of nerves that have his hands shaking in his pockets, waiting outside her door with pursed lips and a grim determination to try and keep one of the few connections that he had (that he needed) going } -- { ` peers down the hallway, instinctively managing something of a smile in greeting when he sees her } hey.
SOOJUNG: Â Â { ` it's been a struggle -- after meeting with xavier, it seems the only thing wrong with her is an evolving mutation paired with an unwilling mind -- something that should be a pressing matter, if soojung found more of a reason in using it (she didn't -- hasn't -- never will, if she has anything to do about it; the interest in mastering her mutation has long faded -- it was okay now as long as she could control it, right?) } -- { ` of course she doesn't expect the male to greet her the moment she steps onto the hallway of her room, blinking slowly in response as the troubled expression on her features fades in favor of a small smile -- eyes lighting up at the sight of a male who managed to always--without fail--set her heart skipping a beat } hey! { ` greets him brightly as she takes quick excited steps over, stopping with a final hop before him as her smile widens } i haven't seen you in forever -- how've you been? { ` the gushing, as always, is a tad bit hard to hide }
CHANGMIN:Â Â Â Â Â { ` it weighs heavily on his mind -- the coming departure, and even still, the conversation that precedes it -- but he still manages to feel that familiar skipping to his pulse when she smiles at him. for once, he disregards the guise of a calm, collected man and pulls his hands from his pockets to grasp her fingers and lace them together, meeting her eyes almost hesitantly } okay -- how about you? { ` forces himself to breathe, well aware of the growing possibility that this will be the last time that her smile is aimed at him (is for him) }
SOOJUNG:Â Â Â Â { ` she doesn't question much about it, the somewhat strange behavior of the tall male before her, much to preoccupied by entwined hands as her smile grows, squeezing his fingers lightly in return as her heart quickens just that much -- as per usual -- around him } i'm okay too. { ` half lies to him, rather appalled by the fact that she doesn't feel a lick of guilt for it -- she's done this far too much -- by now } were you waiting for me? you should have called -- i would have came back quicker! { ` she nods, tugging him a bit closer }
CHANGMIN:Â Â Â Â Â { ` swallowing thickly, he watches her expression grow brighter, all too tempted to kiss her fingertips (half affection, half apology) though he refrains, settling for accepting her words with a small nod (she hadn't looked okay coming down that hall) and a brief, bittersweet smile } i was fine with waiting. { ` pauses, stepping closer and dipping his head to press his face into her hair } is jinri in? can we talk in your room?
SOOJUNG:Â Â Â Â { ` it's weird -- his behavior. soojung can't exactly put her finger on it, but something about him strikes a bit of dread in her despite the smile on her lips, the seriousness of where this conversation was heading slowly sinking in } no, she's with jaehun, i think. { ` squeezes his hands lightly before slipping one away to grasp for her key and unlock the door, leaning back slightly to look at him for a long moment before she turns to step into her room, tugging the male along } what'd you want to talk about?
CHANGMIN:Â Â Â Â Â { ` he knows subtlety -- knows it intimately -- but the sheer discomfort with the idea of losing her has him ready to force out the words right then and wait for the inevitable questions (the look of hurt or betrayal or something equally as unpleasant) -- still, changmin waits, nodding absently to her answer and watching her unlock the door } -- { ` his eyes scan her face, his lips remain sealed until they're inside and he shuts the door quietly behind them, taking one last moment to enjoy this moment before he speaks } i'm leaving the school.
SOOJUNG:Â Â Â Â { ` somehow she's gets what he's aiming for -- but soojung is stupid, hopelessly stupid, and she doesn't want to face the facts that his words mean something much more than just a simple trip away to seoul once more; so she plays into that role perfectly, smile faltering just the slightest before widening once more -- easily forced -- as her grip on his hand tightens a bit } you're going to seoul again? when will you be back? { ` she doesn't want to lose someone else -- even if she knew that hoping and praying and faking dumb isn't about to change what changmin has to say to her -- it's worth a try }
CHANGMIN: Â Â Â { ` it's clear that he doesn't mean the usual, sporadic departures he takes from the school. the aching in his chest (no matter how much he knows this is the right choice, it hurts) only grows with her smile and those tiny little impulses to touch (he'd always had them) have him caving; lifting her hands to his lips to kiss the back of her knuckles } no, i'm not going to seoul again. { ` he lowers their locked fingers again, staring down at them with furrowed brows } i want to take you with me, soojung. i hoped that maybe -- { ` pauses, biting his lip } that me liking you, and you liking me would warrant me taking you away from your friends but i can't do that. { ` meets her eyes } not where i'm going.
SOOJUNG:Â Â Â Â { ` the truth is unraveling itself before her very eyes and soojung can do nothing but stare, lips parting slightly at the kiss as her lower lip quivers a bit at the clarification of something she already knew was coming } -- { ` his confession doesn't draw a smile out of her like she had imagined -- had played out the entire thing over her head every once in a daydream during class -- he would confess and she would scream it back in the manner most jung soojung--and they would kiss--and her heart would explode like stars or fireworks; no, this was nothing like that. his words doesn't bring a lick of happiness, round eyes fixated on his -- she doesn't get it, she doesn't. why does she have to pick between both? } wh-- { ` swallows a bit } where are you going though?
CHANGMIN:Â Â Â { ` he hadn't honestly meant for it to come out that way -- if anything, he'd been summoning up the courage for some grand gesture for months but little of that seems possible now -- if jung soojung was too good for him before, he's certainly pushed her further out of his reach now -- the thought leaves him grasping for words (apologies, mostly) that get pushed aside as he grips her fingers tighter and musters up an answer } magneto is leaving the school, and i'm following him.
SOOJUNG:    { ` she's been oblivious to the rumors circulating throughout the school, not one to ask around when she's struggling as is with her own issues -- but she's met magneto, even if the meetings are fleeting, he's left enough of an impression for her to know 00 know that none of this was going to be good for him, for her, for them -- } why-- { ` pauses for a moment, brows furrowing as she looks up at him with glassy eyes -- hurt apparent on her features; she doesn't need to know why -- the look on his face already solidified the fact that she couldn't talk him out of it even if she wanted to } don't... don't go. { ` but she's not above begging -- driven by the slightest bit of panic that seizes at the possibility of losing someone she cares for again }
CHANGMIN:Â Â Â Â Â { ` it's not a question that he can answer with any amount of words -- little can change the fact that jung soojung, at her core, is a good person that inherently believes in the good of people -- it hurts when she's proven wrong, and she hasn't been proven wrong enough times to be broken by the cruelty of people -- this, at least, is what he's taken from months of paying attention to every little thing that she cares to show him (consciously or otherwise) } -- { ` yet with that knowledge, he's at a loss for words entirely, left scanning her face before he releases her hands and steps forward, wrapping his arms around her far too tightly } i'll see you again -- i promise that.
SOOJUNG:Â Â Â Â { ` it's a lie -- her mind is quick to supply an answer in contrast to what seems to be (or feels like) the shattering of her own heart -- you can't trust him anymore } -- { ` she doesn't hug him back, simply stilling in her position as she allows familiar arms to wind around her, leaning forward further to bury her face into his chest as her expression contorts, mouthing words to herself against his chest -- liar -- she can't take his word anymore just like she can't depend on him either } -- { ` forces herself to pull away from the hug after a few long (bittersweet) moments, eyes fixated on his chest as she dips her head a bit ) you should go. you have to pack right? i don't want to keep you. { ` i couldn't keep you even if i tried }
CHANGMIN:Â Â Â Â Â { ` he isn't sure what else to say -- or if there's anything else to be said, his eyes scan her face after she pulls back, lips pressed together because this isn't right -- this is exactly what he dreaded (feared) but there is no going back -- and there's nothing he can do. and so, with that, he takes a step back and turns, leaving the small dorm room with only the quiet click of the door shutting to mark his departure }
