#!2015

I woke up almost crying from a dream that felt too real and it’s scary (the dream wasn’t scary, the feeling was).

This date will always be hard.

Today was alright until I started thinking of seven years ago.

I still remember being called out of class that day. A wednesday. Because my dad was there to pick me up and it wasn’t even noon yet and I just instantly knew. 

That she was gone, and everyone else was at home preparing for her funeral.

I remember the cab ride home, how much I wanted the driver to lose his way, make a wrong turn to prolong the journey so that he wouldn’t stop and I don’t have to get out. Return home and see her lifeless. I remember crying so much changing out of my uniform, trying to keep it together because my mum just lost her mum.

It sucks that everything I think of her, I think of the day she passed away. Of this date. That I don’t think of the times we went to the beach for a picnic. Or when she bought my five Pikachu dolls. Or lay in bed next to me, singing me to sleep. Or every other more significant event that should override the devastation of loss.

That’s the thing about death, isn’t it? You think you’re done grieving, that time heals and you’re able to celebrate life instead of mourn for the dead. You will always feel the pain and loss and no matter how long time has passed this feeling will never get better.

everyone went to the beach while i opt to stay at home. i'm feeling extremely sluggish and i don't wish to impose my lacking enthusiasm on the family's day out.

i've been having some difficulty coping with how i feel lately. i tried breaking down everything i had to do in bite-sizes but even then i feel overwhelmed.

i wish i knew how to feel better. because everything that i've been doing lately - going out, staying home, meeting friends, talking, eating garbage, eating right - doesn't seems to be improving my mood. it's like, i don't know what's wrong and i don't know how to make this go away.

so i've been trying to focus on doing work to distract myself from feeling this. i just want to feel at least okay, since it's the lunar new year and everyone seems to be posting cute selfies of their outfits and i at least want to feel not-terrible seeing such cuteness.

i really don't know what's wrong. sigh.