#!!personal

It was one of my best high school friends that got TTTYG for her birthday, around the time of release. And I listened to it, but it took me a while to really fall into it myself. A few months later, I got into a relationship that was really, really messy. Like, his girlfriend had cheated on him, and I just lent my support while he got over it, kind of fell for him in the process, and when we eventually did start to date, it was short lived. But I fell hard and even after he ended things on the pretense that he needed more time. I later learned he was seeing another girl and still stringing me along, getting jealous when I dealt with other guys (and even flirted? apparently i was supposed to wait for him while he had his secret relationship). It was ugly, it hurt me badly... I was 16, so I was young and stupid and I wanted to believe things would work out.

But that band and that album helped me to move on. I’m not sure what made TTTYG so therapeutic for me, but it hit all the right notes for me. I went to every show I could when they were in the area. I bought merch, I looked for my chances to give them a what’s up and thank them. I was able to move on and become a much stronger person for it. I listened to plenty of other bands and went to so many shows... I’m pretty sure I was on line for concerts more than I was ever in class back then. But I was okay. 

But then 2005 happened, and FUCT came out... and it was again, what I needed. May 3rd was the release of the album, and I remember this specifically because my friend and I went to the album release show in New York. I rushed out of my part time job to get there, and we got pizza beforehand (where, we had a very important conversation about The Starting Line releasing a new album without realizing that Kenny was... sitting at the table next to us WHICH WAS REALLY EMBARRASSING ABOUT AN HOUR LATER WHEN WE REALIZED IT). It was fun and super memorable, and once again, they released an album that became my everything. It came out at the end of my last year of high school. It was a summer soundtrack that helped me move from childhood into my adult life, and in a way, helped me say goodbye to the friends I wouldn’t be seeing much after that. College separated us, and while many of them are still close to one another, my life took a different direction  (one I am satisfied with), but I think without that album, a lot of other things wouldn’t have happened.

I made friends because of that band. I made enemies too, but those people and experiences shaped me. Getting a chance to experience being in one of their music videos, having two full days around like-minded people and a band you love is something I would never be able to trade in. There were secret handshakes and signals, stories and interactions, dares and parties that to this day, I can never forget. Seeing that video or even hearing the song is enough to make them flood back in.

Even my first tattoo was kind of an ode to that band, because without their music, I’m not sure what kind of person I would have grown to be. Music and experiences are so deeply personal and unique that it always bothers me when people try to just write off a band or genre as “bad” ...you don’t know. You don’t know what a song can do for a person. What a specific lyric or chord can mean, what kind of memories they can hold when played back many years later.

I’m really grateful for those things, even now. Even if my tastes have changed, even if I don’t listen to them like I used to. Even if they wouldn’t recognize me in a group of people like they did when I was seeing them at least 6-12 times a year. Even if I’m not in touch with the friends I made because of the connection we shared over the music. It’s nice to come back to it ten years later, edging on my 28th birthday and going “this holds up well, because it’s everything I remembered it being.” I can hardly believe how much time has passed, and how much I’ve changed. The me that was 17 in may of 2005 couldn’t have known who I would become. The me of then couldn’t have known that less than a year later, she’d meet the man she was going to marry, that they’d be together all those years later. She couldn’t have known which friends would stay or go, which jobs she’d take and careers she’d pursue. She couldn’t have known what her hobbies would be, or what her own presence in those hobbies would be. It’s kind of a nice reminder though.

“We’re the therapists, pumping through your speakers, delivering just what you need.”

ugh

lives an eternal life of just crying about how cute jongsuk is and also how he is literally the worst liar. sure, he can act if you put an actual script in front of him but his awkward laughter and discomfort  was so visible in every instance where he had to lie to his team for the secret couple thing... god it was so hilarious obvious. 

that expression gives me hilarious flashbacks to this:

which is just even more funny when you remember the context and me laughing for 700 years about that alone was enough to make my day a little brighter.

but not because of my budget.

i just really don't want to deal with being up there during a un summit because security is crazy, things always get closed and diverted and it's a general pain in the ass, especially when i lot of my shopping and general hangout spots (for the wifi leeching) are in midtown. it was bad enough when i had to deal with it when i worked in midtown, doing it optionally is a dumb idea. at the same time i'm like i want all my magazines though......

what a good time to watch something in my drama queue, right? right. except instead of doing that i started rewatching i hear your voice and i regret it because i'm being reminded how much i love this drama. it's like when i watch school 2013 again a couple of months ago which was ultimately what sent me on this downward spiral...

or one of the many downward spirals my life has become. ha.

it's an imperfect drama, but still so, so good. excellent cast, sates my weakness for noona romances.... and was probably one of the last dramas of 2013 i was able to consider actually good... (bc while i love the heirs, i also acknowledge it's a shitfest saved only by its sass levels and a cast i like).