#!!keith

@madefate | something for the holidays.

It’s that kind of tiredness that’s not really exhaustion; compared to all kinds of it, this one feels almost nice. There is a heady sort of contentment that comes hand in hand with it, that leaves Keith sprawled on the couch and not wanting to move, even as he contemplates switching off the lights of the room.

He stretches a little, toes the edge of the coffee table with his foot, raps his nails on the side of his teamug for a simple want to be doing something with his hand. The tree still has some unlit sparklers on it, but even just the string of lights looks pretty nice, a variety of colours glinting off the round baubles they hung earlier. His eyes wander upwards, and he smiles to himself at the sight of the star – both of them are tall enough now to hang it, and of course Shiro let Keith do it, for their first winter holiday back on Earth.

@madefate

There was a time when Keith thought being accepted at the Academy would magically fix everything. He’s not… quite sure anymore, what that line of thought was, or how it was supposed to work, because, well – of course it doesn’t. He’s here now, and at the same time, he doesn’t feel closer to anything or anyone; not the goals he set for himself, nor the people (person) he wants to get closer to. Why… can’t things just work out?

Of course, it’s not like Keith doesn’t know the answer. It’s his fault. He doesn’t really remember anymore how to reach out to people, and he’s just a little too terrified of trying and screwing it up. It doesn’t help that he still appears as incredibly standoffish (though he is not entirely aware of this), even though most of the anger he’s been feeling for the past three years has mostly burnt down to embers from a raging fire.

Still, he’s been here almost a month, and though his grades leave nothing to be desired (even when he feels upside down and inside out, Keith knows how to work hard), he sits alone at lunches and hasn’t made an attempt to join any study group.

He finally lives with his brother again, and has barely managed to talk to him, too. That’s probably the crux of the problem – not that Keith really knows what the problem is, or how to fix it. All he knows is that before he moved here, the last dozen times he interacted with his brother, it dissolved into yelling, to the point where he wasn’t even all that thrilled about moving in together again.

Inexplicably, despite all this, Keith finds that living with Shiro again brings a sense of security he’s grown entirely unaccustomed to. Even if he doesn’t know how to talk to his brother, currently asleep a room away, the fact that he’s a room away is somehow incredibly steadying. And when Keith thinks about this fact, and stands it parallel to all the fights they’ve had – perhaps it’s not all that surprising that the most prevalent feeling that remains is a sense of guilt.

Tonight it is especially suffocating, somehow. Keith has been rolling around for over two hours, unable to fall asleep as everything else in the dorms quiets around them. For a good long while, he just tries his best, because the fact that you’re tired of feeling anxious and sad doesn’t actually take away the anxiety and sadness – but he eventually arrives at the conclusion that he’ll have to figure out something else.

Maybe a walk, he thinks. Up to the roof to watch the stars, perhaps? To just breathe?

He plans to tiptoe across the corridor, not wanting to wake his brother and chance his disapproval – and doesn’t even get through his own room’s door, because as soon as he opens it… Shiro is already standing there.

@madefate

Space is quiet and cold and empty.

There was a time when Keith felt like it was an endless graveyard, and then there was a time when he felt like it was full of endless possibilities, whether he wanted to find a place to grow, or a place to hide.

Right now, he feels none of this.

Curled up in the pilot seat of the Black Lion, he stares out into the nothingness in which he can’t truly tell any stars apart (hell, he’s not sure which quadrant they’re in), and he admits silently to himself that he has no idea what he’s feeling.

He glances over his shoulder to where Black has whipped out a second seat to accommodate them; it’s tilted backwards into an almost comfortable position, and Shiro is dozing in it. The sight of his brother is enough for Keith to be able to pick out one emotion from the tangled mess in his head: relief.

(If he dares to think about it, he can pick out the others too, of course. But he’s – not quite there yet. Not ready to deal with guilt, isolation, regret, doubt. It’s – for now, it’s gotta be good enough that he has his brother, his real brother, right next to him. And that they’re headed home.)

Keith doesn’t really need to pay attention to where they’re going right now, considering it’s just a straight line for hours and hours on end, course set, no way to jump a wormhole, so he spends a bit just watching Shiro.

Remembering more recent things is easier. Shiro’s mutter of you found me, so fond that Keith almost choked up then and there. Shiro’s weight in his arms. Shiro’s eyes when Keith cut off the arm– no, no, not thinking about that.

Shiro’s expression of vulnerability as they stood in front of Black, the last time I piloted, I –… – it strikes Keith again, just like it did back there – Keith pulling Shiro with himself up the ramp like he used to drag his brother with himself when they were getting into trouble (not that Keith was the only one instigating those), don’t worry, I’ll do it, and we’re not teleporting, which, by the way, sucks, this is going to take ages, I hate boring long journeys, have I told you that? (He has told Shiro on literally every road trip they went on as kids.) Shiro’s small huff of laughter that meant the entire universe.

Shiro’s heavy gaze on him when Black didn’t seem to want to connect with Keith again until he told her it was still for Shiro. Keith shudders a little as he remembers this part, still not clear on what he feels about this particular turn of events. Maybe all this time he could only connect with her because Shiro was also in there? Maybe Keith was never really the Black Paladin? It’s a thought that –

“Shut up, or I’ll hit you.” The threat is not serious, of course. In fact, it is accompanied by another small huff of amusement -- Keith’s gotten so much taller in those two years spent in vacuum that this is the last thing he would have expected to hear. “I’m taller than you now!” Probably by a centimetre, if you squint, and if he fluffs up his hair a bit.

On the other hand, he’s stronger, too -- for a moment, Keith amuses himself with the idea of how easy it would be to just pick Matt up.