See the Color of the Music

oh boy. oh wow oh boy. now we get to my absolute favorite: you oughta know. get ready folks cause i have so so much to say. alright. so we cut to frankie and jo in new york where frankie is thanking jo for coming to pick her up since she lost her debit card and she didn’t want to “break down and call home.” jo is mostly silent, nowhere near her usual sarcastic self. she responds to everything frankie says in this flat, controlled tone just simmering with anger below the surface. i’m just gonna transcribe this whole scene because it shows so many things: how much jo really cares about frankie even though she’s pissed, how much frankie clearly hurt her and how frankie really didn’t realize what she was doing. frankie goes “that was pretty crazy back at my house. in fact i’m surprised you even showed up.” jo responds with little to no emotion in her voice other than underlying anger, just tight and quiet and closed off like she’s trying so hard not to lose it: “i’m your best friend. i’m not going to leave you stranded in a neighborhood you can’t even name.” “but you’re mad.” “can you guess why? or are you so far up your own ass these days you don’t even know?” “i’m really sorry. i was gonna tell you.” “and yet you didn’t. because you knew what you were doing was wrong.” “i didn’t think i was gonna fall in love with him.” “love? well congratulations frankie. i’m glad you found something healthy and rational. i’m clearly not as legit as your fuckboi phoenix.” “that’s not what i’m saying jo i just didn’t think you and i were in an exclusive relationship.” “right. why would you take this… (gestures to herself) seriously.” “you know i didn’t mean it like that.”

and in comes the music. ok so a few things. as jo starts singing frankie is standing behind her and jo’s deathly still, her voice still quiet as she just stares straight ahead. they’re the only two on stage. you can practically feel the tension in the air. everyone in the audience is on the edge of their seat. frankie starts to turn around and walk away until the first mini drop when you can feel something building and you know shit’s about to go down: when the guitar comes in and jo starts “a perfect version of me.” as soon as that guitar hits frankie freezes in her tracks and the soft light on jo starts to turn red. and wow is it about to get good. jo stays completely still as frankie circles back around while we get to the first pre-chorus, the “the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able…” part. as she does the pre-chorus the red light begins to expand around her but she still isn’t moving. her voice, however, even though it is still thin and controlled is starting to grow as the anger just continues to bubble up. she sings the first chorus just staring out into the audience, unmoving, and the tension just KEEPS BUILDING. frankie begins to back away just a little, like she’s beginning to realize just how angry and hurt jo really is. but we haven’t seen anything yet. we get to the second verse and the red lights continue to grow more intense as jo finally, FINALLY starts moving. she turns to look at frankie, staring her down, but she’s still controlled, still holding herself back. her voice gets a little more raspy, a little more intense but still not enough and everyone is holding their breath. once we get to “did you forget about me” she starts to stumble away a little bit, those mannerisms starting to shine through and we just barely start to see her truly devastated, exposed, vulnerable self. when she sings “are you thinking of me when he fucks you” she grabs frankie forcefully before pulling away. she’s starting to show more of her anger both physically and vocally. the pre-chorus comes back and that raspiness to her voice only increases, anger now finally starting to show on her face and she moves back, away from frankie and turns to finally start powerfully singing (though not yet screaming as she eventually gets to) “and i’m here!” it’s at this point that the band really starts to get loud. they come in from the wings and the volume jumps up. powerful red light fixtures drop down from the ceiling, flashing violently and one by one the ensemble runs up over the course of the second chorus to flank jo on either side. frankie doesn’t know what to do. and we’re still not even at the climax. then everything drops out as the ensemble starts singing “ooh” for the third verse. jo moves to the front, clearly starting to lose it as the ensemble walks around behind her, circling and enclosing frankie. jo isn’t even looking at frankie anymore, she’s holding her head in her hands and walking, pulling at her hair, eventually starting to join in with the ensemble. then she begins her high harmony and the anger on her face becomes more and more clear and as she sings higher and higher the ensemble moves from frankie to come stand beside jo. they all stomp their feet on the last “ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah… AHH!!” and jo’s high note. holy shit. and now everything’s been released.

she begins to go full screamo, dancing with the ensemble, pointing and yelling at frankie as her anger and fear and devastation just all boil over. the band is now rocking out and the stage is bathed in angry red light. jo screams “well can you feel it” and her and the ensemble run to stand near the back of the stage in front of the band and just completely lose it. jo is screaming, singing her heart out, throwing her body around in desperation. you can see just how horribly sad and angry she is, how she feels abandoned and alone. you can see it in her face, her body, hear it in her voice. and then the chorus happens AGAIN for that final time and they all run to the very front of the stage, jo just completely losing it. she whips her head up and down, screeching with all her might, reaching out to the audience and just practically pulsing with anger and energy. it’s truly stunning. on the last line (you, you, you) she and the whole ensemble are jumping and the lights are flashing red and white and then everyone cuts out and it’s just her, screaming out into the audience with a voice of just pure raw emotion: “oughta know!!” and they all freeze. the crowd goes. WILD. both times i saw this she got a standing ovation. A MID SHOW STANDING OVATION LIKE WTF. and she absolutely deserved it both times. the amount of emotion she puts out on that stage. and her VOICE HOLY SHIT. honestly, that scene and song is a whole musical in and of itself. her range of emotion through those like 5 minutes, the way she builds in every possible way— stunning. words cannot describe how much i love lauren patten. also it just means so much to me to see women who are allowed to get angry on stage. i love it.

also important to note is that jo doesn’t have her beanie on in this scene? and i have a lot of thoughts on this. in most other scenes, jo is hiding behind a front. she’s sarcastic and tries to avoid showing any form of vulnerability. she wears her beanie like a suit of armor, really. we only see her without her beanie three times: when she’s coming back from the church social with her mom (which she was forced to do and clearly hated. and as soon as her mom is gone she puts the beanie back on immediately, like it’s something to hold on to), you oughta know (which is the only time, at least at this point in the show, where i think we really, truly see jo— when she lets herself go) and then the end (we’ll talk about this later).

after everyone has finished cheering (for a solid like 2 minutes holy shit), frankie runs up to jo looking at her phone in a panic. “jo!” she yells. jo turns around, clearly annoyed, “what? god do you even give a shit?” and frankie goes “no jo it’s my mom” and immediately jo’s there to help because that’s the kind of person she is and they run off stage in a hurry.

cue uninvited. wow. i know i’ve said this about so many things but honestly i don’t think i’ve ever seen such genius staging and choreography in theater ever. it’s absolutely mindblowing. so this is the scene where mj overdoses and the way they depict this is genius. we see a dark stage with a single spotlight on the couch in the center where mj sits and begins to sing. seconds later, heather comes up from behind her and begins to dance around her. this kicks off a stunning choreography that has you on the edge of your seat the whole time. dressed the same as mj, heather shows the agony and pain mj is experiencing, both mentally and physically, through dance. she throws herself around the couch, falling to the floor in agony and pulling herself back up again. mj and heather reach out to each other but never quite reach each other. elizabeth’s stunning voice as mj combined with heather’s astounding choreography as her body double just makes you really, truly feel the absolute pain she’s experiencing in every possible way. incredible. also, at the very beginning of the song, i kid you not when i first looked toward the back of the stage i thought there was a reflection or a pole or something? you can ~just barely~ see something behind mj but i truly thought it was a trick of the light for the longest time. but slowly, ever so slowly, the light grows and you realize it was bella, looking on and watching the whole thing as a ghost in the distance. and her harmonies are stunning. at the end of the song heather and bella leave and mj collapses on the floor, completely passed out. this is when steve enters. he sees her and we see him for a moment start to run towards her and the stage goes pitch black with a loud note from the band. a second later the lights come back on and this time we see steve on the ground w mj and nick on the phone talking frantically. the lights shut off again w another note and when they come back on we see an emt taking mj’s vitals. then they shut off one last time and when they come back on we’re in the hospital w mj and steve.

steve and nick have a conversation with the doctor before going into mj’s room featuring one of the best exchanges i’ve ever seen on stage. the doctor tells steve mj overdosed and she had multiple drugs in her system, different ones than she was originally prescribed, leading him to conclude she got them off the streets. steve is in disbelief. he replies “look at her. does she looks like a drug addict to you?” and the doctor replies “what do you think a drug addict looks like?” no response. incredible.

then mary jane. wow sean allen krill’s voice is just so so good and his performance is stunning. i cried. he climbs in bed with mary jane as he sings to her and it’s adorable. we also have a great exchange between the two of them when she wakes up. one of the lines from the couples therapy scene earlier was steve talking about how mj has to be the best at everything: “we get it mj. you’re winning… at candyland.” now as she wakes up steve is breaking down (also so great to see a grown man get emotional and cry onstage! yes!! fuck toxic masculinity!!) and he apologizes for not noticing something was wrong earlier, talking about how he messed up. mj, still weak and tired responds “im detoxing from opiates… i win.” such a good line. they discuss how they need to start communicating more, mj starting to come clean that she has some things she needs to work through and they discuss how she’ll be going to rehab. nick then walks in (frankie visited earlier during mary jane) and mj immediately goes “nick i was wrong. you need to go to the police.” and steve responds “mj. he already did.” they then discuss how frankie is currently downtown at the rally she organized: the rally for bella.

and now we’re at the rally, the setting for no. this is absolutely incredible. the whole ensemble is on stage, the band behind them, jo and phoenix on either side and frankie in the middle holding a sign that says “stand with survivors,” all surrounding bella who stands in the center with her head held high. after the song starts bella and nick have a brief interaction and honestly i was so so happy with how they did this. nick explains that he came forward and apologizes for not doing so earlier. and bella, rightfully so, STAYS ANGRY. i love to see women on stage being allowed to show emotion. she recognizes he did the right thing but she doesn’t immediately forgive him nor should she. she’s still hurt, and what nick did, or didn’t do, will affect her for the rest of her life: “why didn’t you stop him?” she asks. “i don’t know” he responds, “but everyone knows the truth now.” she then calls him out on his privilege, saying “because you said it. why wasn’t it enough for me to say it? you get to be the hero, like always. because of who you are, because of what you look like. they believe you.” “i’m sorry. if i could change anything about my life bella i would go back—” “yeah. so would i.” she walks away and the song continues. most of the ensemble members have solo lines where they stand center stage, their expressions solemn while the rest of the ensemble surrounds them, touching them, enclosing them. then we get to the second chorus and bella’s big part. she stands center again, belting her heart out as the ensemble, frankie and jo all grab their signs and stand by her side. these signs are stunning. some highlights include: “rape affects all genders,” “believe black women,” “tell your story,” “you’re not alone,” “teach consent,” “a call to men,” “don’t tell me what to wear, tell them not to rape,” and, my personal favorite, “don’t get raped” with the “get” and “d” crossed out so it says “don’t rape.” they slowly move toward the front of the stage as they reach the climax of the song, and stand in solidarity in a line across the very front. at the end of the chorus nick picks up the sign frankie was holding earlier, “stand with survivors” and moves to join them and stand next to bella, literally standing with survivors. chills.

now we get to the closing. as thank u plays in the background we once again see mj sitting on the family couch, writing the annual healy christmas letter. she talks about how inspired she is by frankie’s strength, how her daughter’s doing so much for bella who is a rape survivor “like myself.” she then discusses how bella’s case is going to trial and, even though andrew still got into a good college, bella gets to tell her story, “most of us never do.” frankie then sits down next to her and says “i didn’t know what you were going through mom. i guess i never saw you as a… person?” mj laughs. “you’re my kid that’s normal.” she then starts talking about how all she ever wanted was for frankie to fit in there and when frankie tells her she never wanted that mj goes. “i got it wrong. i’m going to start listening.” she tells us nick is taking a year off to be a witness in bella’s case: “he can’t change the past. but he’s looking inside himself to figure out why he didn’t do anything when he had the chance.” she talks about how her and steve are in therapy both couple and individual. and finally, she talks about her time in rehab and the incredible people she met and all that she learned, but how “recovery will last the rest of [my] life.” she cracks some jokes at the expense of the white, privileged, suburban lifestyle she once loved, commenting “i had spent so much time around all of you i forgot what it was like to talk to people who were kind and genuinely had empathy.” the whole family is sitting next to her on the couch now as she finishes up the christmas letter with “xoxo, mj.” as she finishes she goes “i think this will be my last letter” and when asked why she says, “because christmas letters are for assholes.” steve then asks “are you really going to send that” and mj replies “what have i got to lose?” before steve reminds her “you’re not at rock bottom anymore.” frankie then dares her to send it and nick agrees. she hits send in one impulsive click and yells “merry fucking christmas.” you learn begins to play in the background as steve laughs and asks who that went to and mj responds in this hilarious exaggerated whisper: “everyoneeeeee.”

now we have you learn. so beautiful. one thing that isn’t on the soundtrack is that before jo comes in she and frankie talk for a moment. they say they miss each other but we see that jo’s doing well, she has a new girlfriend and she’s finally starting to gain some confidence. she doesn’t have her beanie on!! jo then asks about phoenix and frankie responds “we’re good. we’re just friends.” and then the music starts back up again. as we get to the chorus the whole ensemble joins them and they’re all just rocking out, laughing, smiling, dancing and generally having the time of their lives. so so wholesome i love it so much. watch the video of their performance on good morning america it’s so so cute. the very end everyone slowly leaves and it’s just mj and frankie center stage, holding hands as the final note dies out. so so good.

the bows. omg. at the end they go back and jam w the band and it’s SO CUTE. also frankie and jo always dance off together as they’re leaving the stage. wholesome content.

act twooooooo. we start w hands clean (this ensemble wowwowwowowow) and the stage opens to bella and andrew on either side of nick, all staring out into the audience. a few moments later jo and frankie come in from stage right and stand on either side of bella, comforting her and staying by her side as they walk off stage. honestly, i love how bella is rarely alone in all of this, jo and frankie are always there for her it’s really sweet.

as they all leave we transition to a psychologist’s office where steve and mj are getting ready to meet w the doctor. cue not the doctor. so good. so funny. so clever. when yana comes up behind them as the doctor and announces “hello i am the doctor” it’s just so perfect. then comes the therapy session. the whole time steve is emotional and desperate trying to get through to mj and figure out what’s wrong he’s just so concerned and mj is just so completely closed off: body language, speech and all. she does not want to be there. she does mention her car accident, though, and the doctor comments that physical trauma can awaken past trauma, even sexual trauma (hint hint see the predator theme from forgiven…). mj immediately tries to deny this and steve just doesn’t know what to do. there is a funny line though where the doctor asks if steve would describe himself as the high-libido partner and steve responds “i would describe myself as a puppy under the table begging for scraps… and getting kicked in the head w a loafer” and mj goes “these are not loafers these are drivers” and it’s so funny. but eventually the doctor asks if mj has always been reluctant to have sex and steve says no, that “they were great once. remember?” cue head over feet. frankie and phoenix peek out from behind the panels on either side of the stage while mj and steve are still in the center as the song starts. eventually the couples switch places as the song grows and the swingset replaces the doctor’s office for frankie and phoenix to climb on while they sing. the song ends with them in frankie’s room, about to have sex. as they start taking each other’s clothes off jo enters from the side, singing your house (wow i love lauren patten her voice i just ahhhhhhhh). all of your house is acapella and lauren patten is just honestly a freak of nature. she walks into frankie’s room and catches them in the middle of having sex, running out and trying to hide the fact that she’s crying as frankie calls after her. she runs downstairs as mj and steve come home and announces that frankie has been having sex w a boy upstairs. she breaks the tension w one of my favorite lines “he was wearing dog tags w no shirt like a douche!” then steve calls her joanne before running upstairs. as he and mj leave she stops for a moment and says, her voice small, shaking and cracking a little and with a hint of just utter devastation “please don’t call me joanne.” she then returns to her usual funny self though and yells “i’m not a fucking fabric store!” before exiting the stage. again, just beautiful acting from lauren. the face jo puts on only breaks for a second but wow is it like a punch in the gut. it breaks me every time.

ok so you know how in theaters there are poles/scaffolding on either side of the stage where they hang lights and speakers and things? yeah. so steve and mj run into frankie’s room and phoenix can be seen literally climbing down said scaffolding w no shirt or pants on, trying desperately not to drop his clothes. steve comments about frankie’s friend “running down the sidewalk w his pants falling down” as phoenix stumbles through the audience just trying his best. it is so fucking funny. but then mj and steve start berating frankie. they say she’s too young to be having sex “especially w a boy she just met” and frankie responds “what if it was with a girl? i’m bisexual, did you know that?” and steve’s like “wow ok” and it’s hilarious cause clearly he’s like not upset w this and would want to talk about it more but also there’s another issue at hand and this poor dude is like idk what to do. meanwhile mj just keeps going on about how frankie shouldn’t be doing this and frankie goes “you don’t care about the situation w bella but as soon as i choose to have sex w someone i care about it’s a crime?” and mj goes “don’t even get me started in the situation w bella. if youre not careful frankie the same thing could happen to you.” silence. a few gasps in the audience. frankie slowly stands up and pushes mj away “you don’t get it.” she says, devastated, and begins packing a bag. they ask her what she’s doing, she says it’s none of their business and they say it is because they’re her parents. she yells “you are not my parents! look at me. you don’t own me just because you have a paper in a file folder somewhere. you thought you could straighten my hair and raise me around white kids and i would turn out like you. well i’mglad i didn’t. i don’t want o be like you.” she rushes off and steve and mj yell at each other in anger, mj blaming him as the workaholic who was never around and steve trying to get through to her and say that maybe they made some mistakes when raising frankie and they should try to listen to her. to no avail.

cut to unprodigal daughter. frankie is on a train to new york and her and the ensemble just completely rock out. she has her moment, finally free of all the pain and stress of home. she’s carefree and happy, dancing her heart out. OH WOW THE CHOREOGRAPHY HERE HOLY SHIT. also her voice. wowowow. so good. at the end, they do a lift w frankie that’s the EXACT SAME LIFT as they did w ebony (her double) back in all i really want. so good. after the song she calls phoenix, trying to get him to come to new york w her. she tells phoenix she loves him and he can’t say it back, he tries to explain that he really likes her he’s just not ready to say he loves her yet but frankie hangs up on him, heartbroken.

there’s a mini transition scene where all of the ensemble are on their phones saying horrible things about bella like that she’s only doing this for the money and that she’s just trying to get attention. at the end they all silently hold out their phone screens to the audience and walk off without a word. wow.

the next scene bella walks into the healy house, looking for nick. instead the finds mj in the kitchen and they talk. mj says she heard about what happened and says she understands how bella feels. bella says she doubts that and mj says that she’s experienced the same thing before, but that “we have to be strong and accept our mistakes.” she’s trying to smile, act like everything is ok. it’s a call back to her line in forgiven after she discusses her assault, where she says “i kept going i powered through.” bella looks at her for a moment and asks, “when did you start to feel better?” she pauses and her voice breaks as she begins to cry “how long did it take? tell me when i’m gonna feel normal again.” silence. mj doesn’t have an answer. “great.” bella says and leaves. nick comes in right after she goes and tells mj the police called, that he thinks he should say something about what he saw. mj immediately shuts him down, tells him to stay out of it for fear of him losing his reputation or, worse, his acceptance to harvard. he stops and says “i need to tell you what i saw that night.” cue predator.

this song is haunting. truly. it begins with that chilling theme and you just know what’s coming and all the times that theme came in during the first act start to come together and it dawns on you and just. wow. we go back to the night of the party, but this time from bella’s point of view. we now see everything andrew does so, so clearly and we’re left thinking: how did we not notice this before? the truth is each of us probably did notice something, something small. but we’ve been conditioned to ignore it, see it as normal, something that “just happens sometimes.” and it’s really a punch to the gut when you realize what you did, how you were a bystander who didn’t notice the signs that were right in front of your face. i have never seen a piece of art or media so successfully throw viewers into this mindset, truly showing us how easy it is to be passive and complicit. we can’t judge nick really. we can’t think “how could he not see something was wrong? how could he not say anything?” because we did it too. we see andrew give her drink after drink, pull her away from her friends and guide her as he pleases. about halfway through the song, however, bella steps away from the party scene to sing at the side and who replaces her? HEATHER. MJ’S BODY DOUBLE. heather takes her place in her same outfit and begins a truly mesmerizing choreography that has her falling around the stage, being pulled and lifted and tossed around by the ensemble like she has no control over her body, no control over her actions. the panels begin to move in as we get closer to the final chorus and eventually they open up to reveal a bed standing upright (like we’re looking down on it) with the party still raging behind and bella steps over and leans back on the bed as she hits her big note going into the climax of the song. she lays there on the bed, immobilized, singing in despair as andrew slowly approaches her while the panels around her show the images that were taken at the party which frankie and jo mentioned in the first act. then, as the chorus come to an end, andrew removes her from the bed and brings her to the floor. it’s at this point that a few things come together and let me tell you: i gasped. first, we notice we’re now witnessing the rape. bella is unconscious and andrew is beginning to undress her. second, it’s at this moment nick comes out from behind a panel, revealing not only that he saw how drunk bella was, but that he saw andrew beginning to rape her and did nothing. third is that as bella is removed from the bed who takes her place? mj. mj takes the exact same position that bella was in, watching the assault on the floor below her in horror. and finally, the final punch to the whole scene, is that as the song comes to a close the panels cover the photos of bella once again for just a moment and when they move away, what’s left beneath are no longer pictures of bella. they’re pictures of mj. in the same position. just. heart-wrenching.

CONTENT WARNINGS: sexual assault, homophobia, racism, sexism, addiction and overdose

here’s act 1:

ok i loved the whole thing for sure but honest to god one of my fav bits is the first minute of the show. the STAGING. so as the lights come up and the overture starts we see a mostly still dark stage with all the ensemble members facing backward w a spotlight on yana (my love wow) in the center. she’s the first to turn around as she delivers the opening line: “swallow it down.” the rest of the ensemble begins to join in and turn around one by one starting w ezra (!!!! i love ez so much they are the best you cannot convince me otherwise) and the build begins. they move in closer to yana, chanting “around and around” and then all come in with “WAKE UPPPP” and they all bend down in this beautiful moment where the bass just. drops. and then in comes the band holy SHIT. so the band is on these really cool moving platforms that come in from the wings and as the bass drops and the ensemble starts jamming out they come on stage and it’s just truly incredible. they sing some of the overture like this w stunning choreography and then as you oughta know’s theme comes in jo runs in and joins the ensemble but it’s really slick you don’t really notice at first until the second part of the chorus when she breaks away and comes center stage, singing on top of the ensemble as they start to break apart behind her and pull out these stunning moving panels that are like 15 feet tall w projections on them. jo runs back through the panels right before they meet in the middle and close behind her revealing the words “jagged little pill” as the overture comes to a close.

the panels now open up and reveal a couch with all four healys sitting on it w santa hats and reindeer antlers galore, posing for a christmas card photo and yelling “merry christmas from the healys!” we have mj, the mom, steve, the dad, nick the perfect son and frankie the adopted, black daughter. mj then goes on with her monologue about how great their lives are while they all sit there with frighteningly fake smiles pasted on their faces while the ensemble plays carolers behind them. soon the stage morphs to show us steve’s office on one side of the healy living room and frankie’s room on the other as mj begins to write in the card about her perfect little family. she discusses steve’s new position as partner (while he chugs a bottle of pepto-bismol), nick’s acceptance to harvard (they recreate the moment he opens the email) and then finally frankie and her best friend jo. as mj talks about frankie and jo she mentions how they’re upstairs right now doing a “little craft project” and off to the side you see them working on a sign that says “FUCK FASCISM” which jo holds up w pride. then (lmao) mj talks about frankie’s friendship w jo and how she loves “female friendships” and how she remembers “the days of discussing clothes and boys” and meanwhile to her left frankie and jo are literally just full on making out in her room clearly romantically involved and it’s just so fucking hilarious.

then mj begins to discuss her car accident from the previous year and how she’s battling it w “natural remedies.” meanwhile, the ensemble, truly the conscious of the show, sings right through you while looking on from behind her. she begins to discuss her hot yoga and the stage begins to turn red, the music growing as we see all four healys in their own sections of the stage, each acting like everything is fine but doing something that shows its not (like nick is always doing push-ups. rip derek honestly lmao) as the song comes to a close.

we now transition to the breakfast table where mj is setting out pancakes. steve tries to kiss her but she pulls away, saying she’s “not a big morning kisser.” they talk for a bit, including the iconic exchange between mj and frankie: “when my friends and i wanted to save endangered sea lions we sold brownies on the quad. well, actually they were blondies” “of course they were blondies. even your brownies are caucasian.” aaaaand that line kicks off all i really want. such a powerful song. frankie stands up on the table and the band and ensemble come back in, just completely rocking out and blowing us all away w their choreography and energy as they surround the family, dancing around, on top and under the table. in the build-up to and then during frankie’s line “i’m frustrated by your apathy” the ensemble surrounds her with various protest signs. i can’t remember all of them but some highlights include “our future is dying,” “black joy matters,” “my body my choice,” “don’t be a fossil fool,” “white silence costs lives,” “no human is illegal,” “stop separating families” and “no ban on stolen land” while frankie carries one that says “does my period scare you.” it’s stunning. fast forward now to the “why are you petrified of silence? here can you handle this?” line. wow. frankie stands on the table, staring down mj in front of her and holds up a sign that says “fear has no place in our schools.” the ensemble all lays down in front of her w their arms crossed over their chests like they’re corpses and the screens behind her show projections of memorials for victims of gun violence in schools. the whole theater is silent for a solid thirty seconds. incredible. then they continue. another heart-wrenching moment is when it gets quiet before the final climax of the song and frankie goes “and all i really want is a wavelength.” she’s reaching out across the kitchen table to mj, who’s looking away from her at nick. mj’s arm rests on the table and as soon as frankie’s about to touch her hand mj moves to touch her own face, still looking the other way, not even realizing what frankie was doing. and their last belts. wow. mj and frankie are center stage, yelling at each other as they scream the final lines before frankie stomps off to go to school and mj is left alone in the kitchen where she swallows a pill— her pain meds for her car accident injuries.

a brief side note: let’s talk about the ensemble real quick. first of all they had input in a lot of their outfits and my fav is ezra’s which has a huge pink triangle on the back (they’re trans). i mean. wow. but also what’s important to know is that a lot of the main cast have sort of dancer body doubles? they have dancers who are supposed to represent them, be their alter egos and this comes into play a lot in the choreography and staging. mj’s double is heather, frankie’s double is ebony and jo’s double is ezra. i bring this up here because when frankie sings “i am fascinated by the spirit to a woman. i’m humbled by her humble nature” the ensemble lifts up ebony behind her and spins her around while frankie takes the same pose on the floor in front of them. absolutely genius.

and now we’re at school! we see bella, nick and andrew briefly discussing the party that will be happening tonight and then we zero in on jo (played my lauren patten my actual favorite human on this earth holy shit) and frankie, hanging out during what’s supposed to be a meeting for SMAC (social movement and advocacy committee) which frankie started— but rn they’re the only two members (also jo came in w a sign that says “let my people flow” and a picture of a pad because they were planning on protesting for the school to provide free menstrual products). jo and frankie have a sweet conversation featuring some hilarious comments from jo. frankie complains about her mom and jo responds “your mom is iconic. she’s one salad away from a psychotic break i live for it” then “at least your mom yells at you. mine prays for me. dear jesus. please don’t let my only child be a gay. especially not one of those obvious gays who wears performance fleece and utility sandals. in the name of fox news amen.” frankie is immediately concerned for jo and, for just a second, we see jo’s vulnerability and we know she must be really hurting but just as quickly she brushes it off: “i don’t care. i’ve been out of fucks to give since the early 2000’s.” really just phenomenal acting from lauren. wow. and now we have hand in my pocket! such a wonderful song. most of it is fun and uplifting (including a cute kiss between jo and frankie) but there was one part that really stood out to me. when jo sings “i haven’t got it all figured out just yet” she kinda stops for a moment and her face falls just slightly and frankie stands behind her, concerned, as the ensemble members dancing behind them all pair up and hug one another (including jo and frankie’s doubles: ezra and ebony). but just like that jo is back to singing and dancing and laughing, hiding her pain and uncertainty. at the end they do this adorable slap dance thing with the ensemble around them and everyone’s cheering and the lights are rainbow (yup thats gay) and it’s just so wholesome i love it.

now we go back to mj. we see her at the pharmacist’s office, trying to get a refill for her painkillers but being denied as she’s out. she then goes to a cafe where she runs into some other moms (laurel, jane and heather) and it’s hilarious. they’re all wearing the exact same outfits and sound so so fake. at one point ebony who is playing the barista asks if she can start a drink for anyone and one of them goes “i’ll take a skinny flat white” and ebony goes “how appropriate.” mj is clearly uncomfortable this whole time, especially when one of them makes a racist comment about frankie. after this she goes behind the cafe where she meets up w a drug dealer (played by john) and gets more of her painkillers. now comes smiling. this song is stunning. the whole song we see mj’s day moving backwards, all the way back to the morning when she took her first pill and she stares at herself in the mirror, clearly struggling. the whole song she and the ensemble all actually act everything out backwards, featuring ezra jump-roping backwards and antonio walking backwards while drinking coffee. true talent honestly lmao. and they move the sets so smoothly it’s amazing.

ironic!! so cute. so funny. the context is that frankie is reciting a poem to her class and they’re critiquing it but phoenix defends her. the desks are on wheels and the choreography is adorable. and frankie and phoenix’s voices WOW. and heather plays a stoner high schooler. this is not important it’s just so funny. after ironic there’s a moment in the hall where frankie and phoenix are still talking and so clearly flirting. jo walks up behind them but only sees frankie (on one side of the stage) at first. she starts to move towards her but then notices she’s talking to someone and gets a glimpse of her flirting w phoenix. jo’s face falls and she kind of falters, trying to decide whether to walk up to them and ultimately decides not to and walks off. lauren patten’s mannerisms in this whole show are just truly stunning. i really felt for jo everytime she was on stage. she’s so clearly putting up this sarcastic, uncaring front but really she’s just awkward and scared and lonely and lauren really does a phenomenal job making that come through— down to the fidgeting and awkward steps and nervous ticks that, once you notice them, make it clear who jo really is even though she doesn’t want to show it. yes i love lauren patten is it that obvious.

oK ANYWAY. back to mj. we see steve call to say he’s gonna be home late and they have a v passive aggressive conversation and then so unsexy happens. rip steve honestly. then perfect. mj and nick are decorating the tree. there’s a great line where mj goes “you need to make decisions for yourself” and he tries to put an ornament on the tree and she goes “no not there” and it’s so funny. but she just keeps going on about how he’s the only thing she’s done right and how proud she is of him. he asks “what if i hadn’t gotten in” re harvard and she goes ”you were always going to get in.”a couple of sympathetic sighs from the audience. then nick sings perfect and it’s honestly heartbreaking he’s so good and you feel so bad for him, always terrified that if he ever messes up his parents won’t love him anymore. that transitions right into lancer’s party.

here’s the thing about lancer’s party. this is the party where bella is sexually assaulted by andrew, kicking off her powerful storyline as a survivor and nick’s storyline about coming to terms w why he didn’t do anything at the time. but here’s why it’s so chilling, if that wasn’t enough: bella and andrew’s interactions at the party are not emphasized. in fact, if you didn’t know about the plot beforehand, you may not really notice anything at all. but it’s there. oh wow is it there. EVERY SINGLE TIME bella has anything to drink, andrew is the one to give it to her. she goes to talk to her friends and andrew grabs her hand and casually pulls her away. he puts his hand on her waist a little too often. he tries to get her alone one too many times. he barely leaves her side. but if you’re not looking for it, you may only see one of these just slightly ~off~ actions and think “hm that’s a little weird” and then move on. they’re not always center stage. they’re not always in a spotlight. they’re just part of the party. and we as audience members don’t stop to pay attention to them, even if we see something off. we’re not urged by staging to see it as important or vital to the story. and we don’t notice anything until it’s too late. the show puts us in the position of a bystander, like nick, who sees this all happening and does nothing. and this really comes back in the second act and punches you in the gut like. just wait.

anyways while the party is raging phoenix and frankie go outside on the swingset (!!!) and have a little heart-to-heart. they talk about their dysfunctional families and how frankie is adopted, a black girl in a perfect white family and how her mom “doesn’t see color” but she wishes she did. she talks about how her parents adopted her when she was little and how she’s been “fucking up their lives ever since.” phoenix comments “i have this theory that perfect families only exist in orange juice commercials and utah.” it’s funny and cute until it’s not. they start talking about how it’s not like they don’t love their families, it’s that they wish they were better kids. they think they’re not good enough and if they were different, everything would be better. phoenix says “if i were a better kid i’d have it all figured out. i could fix things at home. my dad might still call me.” and frankie agrees, adding “my mom might still love me.” and cue that i would be good. absolutely. heartbreaking. i cried so much. but it gets even worse when jo comes in. she enters on stage left w her mom, without her beanie and her flannel tied around her waist wearing a bright pink blouse. “there. i wore it.” she says, visibly shaking and looking away from her mom, almost curling in on herself. she takes the blouse off with unsteady hands, holding it behind her and still looking away. her mom yanks it out of her grip and jo flinches, “i don’t know why i even try, joanne.” as her mom leaves the stage jo quickly puts back on her beanie and flannel, looking terrified and heartbroken, and begins to sing “why won’t you accept who i need to be.” she crosses the stage to stand near phoenix and frankie, shaking and fidgeting the whole time. at the climax they all come to the front, frankie in the center, and just sing their hearts out and they just all look so— desperate. sad. lonely. it’s really just gut-wrenchingly beautiful and sad and just ugh. wow. and as jo starts to walk off stage and the lights fade phoenix asks “do you have a boyfriend?” jo freezes. “a boyfriend?” frankie repsonds, “no.”

now we’re on to the next day and jo is bringing coffee for her and frankie as she meets frankie at the swingset. they talk about last night and jo once again jokes and brushes off the church social she had to go to w her mom: “did you know that god forgives gay feelings as long as you don’t act on them? thanks for the life hack father tim.” then they discuss the party and jo pulls out her phone, showing that people had taken pictures of bella without her shirt on while she was passed out and had posted them all over social media. frankie immediately insists they go visit bella right that second to make sure she’s ok and tell her that they’re here for her. jo follows, in awe of frankie’s bravery and passion. as they head to bella’s we see andrew and nick doing their morning workout, andrew talking about how bella was “all over him” while the ensemble surrounds them, singing “this could get messy.”

we get to bella’s where she’s sitting on her couch in a flannel and sweatpants under a blanket. she eventually tells frankie and jo what happened, how she passed out in an empty room and woke up a few times to andrew assaulting her while she was unable to even talk much less fight back. as she begins to tell her story (it’s truly haunting, she sounds so just dead and done kathryn gallagher is amazing) a soft sound can be heard— the theme from predator. the soft “ooh” from the very start of bella’s song in the second act rings through the otherwise deathly silence as she softly starts to recount the horrors of the night before. frankie and jo immediately tell her that’s rape and she responds “what? no. i’m just a fucking idiot.” they try to assure her she’s not and urge her to go to the police. her response is heartbreaking: “are you kidding me? like i’m really gonna say andrew montefuray… everyone like worships his whole family. there is literally a statue of his grandpa downtown. plus, they never believe anyone anyway.” jo responds “we believe you.” she then reveals that nick saw something at the party and didn’t do anything and frankie goes to confront nick about it. he responds by telling her bella’s always overdramatic, that he shouldn’t be expected to look out for everyone. frankie looks devastated. mj walks in on their fight and, in response to frankie telling her bella was raped, says “you can’t just go calling the police every time a girl gets drunk and there’s some he said she said. these things can happen. i wouldn’t go making this your cause of the week.” cue wake up. frankie sings the opening lines directly to nick and mj, looking both furious and horrified. as the song builds the ensemble joins in and off to the side we see an interrogation room. frankie and jo come in w bella, trying to support her through what looks like a stressful interrogation w an intimidating male police officer who is constantly frowning and interrupting. we don’t get any dialogue from this as the song is happening around them but we see bella look more and more embarrassed and devastated as frankie and jo only look more angry. they eventually leave and andrew takes a seat and has what looks like a pleasant conversation w the policeman that ends in a friendly handshake. at the climax of wake up, after the interrogations, the whole ensemble is on stage and with them are the two moving panels/platforms. the main cast stand on the panels, and the ensemble moves them and flips them, revealing characters that were on the other side in switches so fast it’s incredibly impressive and overall a truly mesmerizing scene. the last line is frankie, alone in center stage with the ensemble behind her looking at mj who is in front of her staring out into the audience as frankie yells “wake up.” stunning.