xo

It’s been one month and one day since I broke it off with the love of my life.

I know you’re wondering why I would choose to do such an idiotic thing if I was lucky enough to find the love of my life.  I thought I wanted to be polyamorous. The idea of experiencing multiple streams of love excited me and made complete sense one month and one day ago. Now, after thirty two quite satisfactory days of asexuality, I’ve completed cracked open into a mess of tears, snot and grief. I don’t want to be polyamorous at all. My heart is throbbing with aching misery over breaking the heart of the man I’m in love with. 

Today he told me I’m narcissistic. A man I believe is so beautiful expressed so openly that he only sees ugliness in me. It made me wonder if anyone I’ve ever loved sees anything beautiful within me. As I looked backwards into my list of heartbreaks, I realised that I only had one ex partner who still liked me. He fell in love with a beautiful friend of mine and I happily accepted their love. That may well be the only reason but I am feeling a little sorry for myself. It may not be the only reason. There might be one or two more. There might not be.  His remark got me questioning today whether I was worth loving. I cried for hours when my ego answered the question.  Based on my entire life’s experiences, I am the most unlovable person I’ve ever known. But somehow, I know that if I were in my soul space in this moment that even in the deepest, darkest and most horrific black holes within my cells that there is something within me that has got to be beautiful, wonderous and worthy. A black hole is beautiful in it’s own way, right?