bit of a warning that this post is gonna be some sort of rant on my mental health so feel free to skip! 🫶
this past few years, beside small moment here and there, i never felt in an especially good headspace, or happy, for different reasons, but what's been weighing on me the most has been my trans identity and the loss of my father. i've been having talks of seeing a psychologist with my family since i was in highschool but it never happened. i also have a very difficult connection to my feelings/emotions, i never know how i feel, if i feel anything at all, and all emotions i feel when i do just seem so fake, like i'm forcing myself to feel them, like i'm doing a performance and i need to seem as normal as one would be.
throughout this year and the end of 2025, i started having crisis (for a lack of better words) where everything becomes too much (the light, the sounds, anything touching me, ....) which, with my doctor, we might have connected to stuff that have to do with my father (like nightmares, the fact we are selling the house i grew up in even tho i'm objectively against it, .... and just the fact that i haven't been able to grief properly) and this had had quite a big impact on my life, both mentally and physically as well as uni wise. i startes to isolate myself a lot, i lost my friends, me and my girlfriend decided to break up as it was the better choice, i isolated myself from my family, making them worry, i haven't gone to uni for over a month now and it's overall been a nightmare.... i don't want to go out, i don't want to move, i don't want to eat, all i do is stay in bed, but even that is difficult since i have a hard time staying in place, and it just makes me feel useless and worthless. i've really been struggling so i've been appointed a doctor to talk it through a bit and see what we could do so i can get better and stuff. i'm glad to say it had been going pretty well enough, i have a good connection with here and she has been doing anything in her capacity to help me try get better. thanks to her, i can now say that what i feel the most is emptiness and angriness. but there is still a long path to go.
however lately, if i'm being honest, there has been a lot of suicide ideation, a lots of what ifs involving my own death, both in situations in my power and not. i've been dreaming it, i've been imagining it, i've seen it, and i fear my restraint are lessening days after days. i stay safe enough, i always find ways to change my mind, i always listen to music (it has become very dear to me, not a day comes without me listening to anything, and i've been listening non-stop), sometimes i draw, sometimes i paint, sometimes i write and it's been helpful changing my mind, but the idea is still there.
my sleep schedule has been awful, i only sleep 2 to 4 hours per night, i feel tired, i'm easily irritated, i can't focus, i can't do simple stuff because it tires me, i went to uni for half a day since the last time i went a month ago and it found me dead on my feet when i got back home.
i've been put on waiting list to see a psychologist but it takes a long time, so i might only be able to see one at the end of the year or so, but it's still something to look forward to.
in the meantime, i've seen a psychological nurse which, while she doesn't have as much power or knowledge as a psychologist, said i had deppressive symptoms, so i'm currently unofficially officially diagnosed as such and that would actually explain so much.... and for a quick sec i think she might have entertained the idea of me being bipolar (saying that because her questions were very targeted) so now i have to talk with my doctor on whether to start antidepressants or not. and my appointment is on thursday, so please wish me luck i feel i'm gonna need it 🙏
this is the end of my rant, thank you to whoever decided to read all that, i'm sorry and i hope you stay safe were you are, if you feel like such, please reach out, don't isolate, don't let yourself go, you will eventually get better, please don't give up 🫶
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