it's more than that

I am aware of several times, AFTER AGREEING TO CLOSE OUR RELATIONSHIP, that he has asked/tried to get lewds from her.

And it hurts BECAUSE he keeps trying and obviously says nothing because he knows that it will hurt me. But hey, as long as I don't know, I guess he doesn't feel guilty. 🤷‍♀️

If there is any kind of physical contact between them when she comes up in a couple weeks, I'm going to lose my shit. I'm going to blow up and no one is going to have a good time.

I've already lost him

I think I know that

I guess it’s time to really accept that I have fallen back down that hole of darkness. The hole that forces me to believe that I will never see light again.

I have become numb and hypersensitive at the same time. If you could explain to me how that works, my box is always open.

This is no ones fault except my own. I haven’t sought help in far too long. I’ve been doing exactly what I have been telling all my friends is a dead end street. I have been quietly, and loudly, denying how bad I have become.

The worst part? In the past 4 days I have helped 5 different people “feel better” about their sorrow. I have spoken from my heart, been completely honest, and I have never felt more alone...

I hate that Rick works nights. Night time has always been the most dangerous time for me. It was almost always the time that I was left alone. With my thoughts. With my demons. I hate how even if he were here right now I would not tell him this is how I feel. He doesn’t completely understand it. It scares him. It scares me.

He says I should be getting up and doing little things each day. Even if it’s to wake up, get out of bed and walk to the mailbox. That’s asking a lot, says the depression, anxiety, and bipolar parts of me. The rest of me says to get the fuck up, I can walk to the god damn mailbox.

So why can’t I?

I don’t even want to sleep so much anymore because the darkness is starting to find me there, too.

This is not Rick’s fault. Nothing about this can be solved by him, and it is not fair of me or anyone else to say otherwise. He only just started to learn WHAT depression even was a little over a year ago. For all these years he has been suffering, in silence, because he was surrounded by people that told him if he could convince himself he was happy, it was the truth.

I learned that was not the truth. It can make the darkness less dark, for awhile, depending on how well you can convince yourself. But it’s like using your phone screen on the brightest setting to walk through the woods. It doesn’t help you see very far, and eventually the battery will die.

I hate this. I should be feeling better, or at the very least NOT FUCKING WORSE. I’m trying so hard to help other people because I cannot help myself.

I do not feel suicidal. I do not think things will get better if I am gone or if I self harm. That’s not even where my mind is right now.

It scares me. Because I don’t feel like anything can help anymore. I want to cry all the fluids out of my body and feel better. I have such a busy weekend coming up...