Dark Clauds

Falling in love is a weird thing.

When I was 16, & stayed at boarding school, we had 2 new roommates. One of them is Iskandar. He’s 17, older than me.

But this is not about me falling in love with him tho he was so handsome & we’re literally sleeping on the same bed (there was not enough space for new students during that time), I swear, but it was about that one night — Iskandar was on the phone with his girlfriend. (We used to snuck phones, you know the deal.) He was talking with the girl, so happily. It’s like his eyes were shining, & shaped like a pair of hearts. It was so heartwarming. It was love.

Something hit me that night. Falling in love is indeed beautiful. Being young and in love is beautiful.

It was something I wish I had. Or have, even at this very moment.

I want to fall in love.

But with who?

I’ve been betrayed so many times, I don’t think there’s any love left inside me.

This act of pure love is the reason why I named one of my characters Iskandar. Because for me, Iskandar is the name of love. That’s why in the story, he’s the only character with true & eternal love.

I just found out that my ex was actually seeing someone else when she’s still with me.

I guess I’m not the bad guy after all.

I’m not mad at her. I don’t care about her anymore. But the taste of betrayal — everyone who knows it, prolly encouraged her to do it, and of course her, who I’ve fought so hard to hold my sanity to stay with her... it sucks.

After all she didn’t love me at all. She just want the attention, regardless where it come from.

I guess they both deserve each other.

I swear to God, I want to fall in love again. But the moment I thought I shud confess, my brain shuts me down.

I can’t do it.

I can’t fall bcs right now, I’m floating.

Gravity can’t pull me down.

For someone who’s always ace on moving on, for once, I can’t.

And it’s not from a real person. But from a character I created.

Yes, I can’t move on from Fa‘iq.

Supposedly I can, and I should. Supposedly I should start writing my 7th novel by now. Which, for once, has nothing to do with Fa‘iq.

I have these awesome ideas, new characters & new story...

But...

I saw him.

I suddenly saw this one kid actor, who looks exactly like Fa‘iq. And weirdly enough, talks like him — an imaginary character I’ve created for my novels 6-7 years ago. It’s like, the real Fa‘iq right in front of my eyes, through tv.

Of course right after that I’m being creepy & stalked him. And I can’t get rid of the idea of me making AWAN the series or movie with him as Fa‘iq. But sadly I can’t... so, I’m devastated.

I never thought that a character I created can leave this much impact on me. Tho, I always imagine Fa‘iq is me — which, may not fully true... but this kid actor tho...

Idk. Maybe eventually I can get over it. Like once in the past when I was obsessed with Yoona, or when I was obsessed with Spider-man.

But deep down I don’t want this feeling to fade. But (again), maybe it’s for the best.

Through my whole life, I have a weird relationship with the religion. I always thought my peak religious moment was when I was 15-16, when I pray on time, I study the Quran religiously and I honestly and literally teach & talk to people about the hukums. But looking back at that time, all I was was a hypocrite & judgemental person. I’m not being truth to my self. Part of me doing that because of the people I had around me; while the other part was me wanting more power & control over people. I also wanted to be forgiven when I did something bad like ‘well at least I know better about religion’.

Truth is, religion is not about you abusing it to get power & feeling that you’re better than everyone else. I did left the biggest part: it’s about us human and the Creator.

After highschool I learned to be less judgemental (bcs I was an extreme judgemental when I was ‘religions’). I met more people with different stories and different understanding about life.

Bcs after all, we all are humans. We have different view, we gone through different paths, different past, and certainly will have different future.

But somehow being ‘understanding’ made me forget my religion path. Tho the religion is still inside me, I did sinned. A lot. But I surely will never forget my prayer. Even in a hotel room after a one night stand, I’ll wake up, clean myself & perfom my Isya’ prayer. I don’t know what I was during that time. Was I a bigger hypocrite than I was before? Or I was just in my worst rebellious state?– Bcs to rise above, first you need to hit rock bottom. And I think I did.

I guess the saying is true. There’ll be ups and downs for your iman. Tho for me it’s always the lowest but in different forms. But I understand now, that it’s not too late for me to change. And this is the time for me to rise. To work on my relationship with my religion. To try the hardest I can to prevent myself from sinning, and be as truth as I can with my ibadah.

Relationship has never been the highlights of my life. It never was and probably never will be my top priority. I have so many other shit that their sole purpose of existance is to torture me. Like my past, and my stupid life decisions, and... late payments. But I’ve been around.

Have a few relationships in the past. Some might describe it as ‘a lot’. But that’s my view on relationship. You’re supposed to experience it. And of course don’t let it consume you or define you completely. It’s like your obsession towards a new song that you like. You like it, but you have to be careful with it tho. Don’t get too obsessed with the song, because when the time comes, you’ll get sick of it. Just listen to it constantly, but not religiously. Make it your muse without slamming it into you life hardly. You’ll love it for a long amount of time.

The thing about relationship is you have to be the master of it. Don’t let it control you and take you to the cliff. Don’t let your inner serial killer obsessive behaviour gone wild. Because when it does, the blame is on you. You’re the one who’s ruining it. Yes, you love your partner. But you have to love yourself too. And if you suddenly feeling some kind of a rush to make your partner yours (marriage, or sex – which ever suits you), then it’s time to slap yourself in the face, because that is when you lost yourself. And probably will lost the joy of the relationship & eventually losing your partner. Because you might have that person – you might marry him/her. But for what? Because you love this person? Or because to feed your obsession and insecurities?

Relationship takes time. And marriage is not the endgame. It is infact a new and harder chapter in your relationship. So plan your journey wisely.

Right now I don’t have a lot of money on my pocket and on my bank account. I have savings. But that’s savings, not the money I plan to use for my daily life. And this situation is caused by late payments. It’s been three months. Three whole months of late payments.

And of course I’ll whine about it. Bcs I worked hard for that, but all that money is now with someone else who takes forever to pass it to me.

You know what’s worse? People telling me to get a job. Like, what the fuck?

I have a job. People haven’t pay me yet. People fucked up and it affecting me. And the worst thing u can say is for me to find another way to get money.

Get it? People fucked up. Why I have to fix this problem? All I need is my payment.

Not gonnah lie, being tragically mediocre myself, it does feel kinda good when people genuinely asking for my nudes. Or offering themselves to suck my dick. It makes me feel sexy & powerful, which the feelings that we mediocre people seldomly feels.

Well, good looking people get this all the time...

But the thing is, those who offered that blowjobs were just merely asking. None of them actually come and give me some. So... lol, the joke’s on me.

But seriously tho. Why is it OK to talk dirty if the party involves good looking people? When bad looking people try to talk dirty, they’re pervert... or disgusting? Is it a double standard thing? Or is it because only bad looking people deserve to be called the bad people? Good looking people are simply sexy. They fuck you & you say thank you?