PROTECTOR AND KING OF CHILLADELPHIA

My anxiety has been so bad lately, but even worse today. Bad thoughts just feel like they're getting worse. Putting this here because I don't want to direct it at any of my friends bc like then what, I'm just ruining a night for someone and toxic to be around and talk to. I don't want to be that. I've never wanted that.

I'm tired. I always feel sick. My job makes me cry 6/7 days a week because the nature of the service is so intense and often heartbreaking. I feel like a failure. I feel like I've wasted my education and that I am not cut out for this career field. Grad school is hard, and just keeps getting harder. I never have time to visit with my family. I'm realizing that I'm really struggling with a disorder I cannot even bring myself to confess to others or even admit I have aloud. I feel very distant from all of my friends, and even my partner. I feel like everyone has someone better, nicer, funnier... Someone who is actually fun to be around instead of just a walking pity party of illness.

I just feel myself slipping further and further away from the people I care about. I feel like I really need some extra love and support but I don't know how to ask for that, and I don't really want to ask for that. It is also unfair to the people in my life to expect them to take time out of their days to coddle me when I know they don't even have time for themselves.

I feel like, as a mental health provider, I shouldn't be in the state I am. It's so hypocritical. I can't even help myself, how am I supposed to help others? How can I look struggling adolescents in the eye and talk about how bad self harm is when I then get home and do harmful things to myself? Hypocritical.

I feel alone. I feel exhausted. I feel sad. Anxious. Sick. Angry. Distant. Hopeless.