Please Take Me Home

I have to learn to deal with these things on my own and that’s okay

When my dog dies I am going to be at extreme risk of suicide if I don’t have major support systems in my life/other strong reasons to continue to look forward to days ahead. He’s old and going deaf and I’m so worried it’ll happen at a time I’m not expecting it and it will destroy me. I love him so much and I can’t imagine continuing my life without my best friend being there to support me through whatever comes my way. I think about this too often and it’s starting to upset me on nights like these.

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I will never say what I need. It’s not a game where I need others to figure it out I just will never fucking do it I can’t bare to shove my burdens in anyone’s direction but my own I just don’t feel comfortable

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I have recently begun to be affected more by things that happened to me years ago. I have realized things about the way I was treated and have come to the conclusion that I was completely failed by my social circle when experiencing something that would have been considered no fault of mine if certain circumstances that i had no control over were different. I don’t know if I’ve ever received an actual apology for anyone’s lack of empathy or understanding of my situation. I have only endured suffering that until now, I believed I deserved. I am still denied rightful treatment in social situations involving certain people. I still suffer consequences of a situation where I was a victim. I have expressed some of this resentment I have towards this situation to some close people, and some have responded well, but I have never received the closure I needed. I still don’t think most people understand. And I don’t think they really will. This thought controls my mind at times and makes me unable to think about anything else

I feel like there’s a wall in my brain that prevents me from thinking the right way. Or prevents me from functioning properly a lot of the time. I can’t bring myself to do the things I know I need to do and it’s killing me but when I think about it I just feel stuck. And then I just take a nap or something and wake up hours later with tons of time just fucking wasted. I fucking hate this.

Why am I this fucked up by myself

I wish I had a different brain. I hate the things that go through my head. I hate the decisions I make and I hate my lack of motivation. I feel so lonely so often. So bored. So empty. I don’t know what to do. I miss feeling more alive. I hate the way I think. I hate the way I feel.

I have lost all motivation in my life. Every day I have no motivation to do anything productive. It has caused me to gain a lot of weight and it has made me hate my body. Shopping for clothes makes me want to kill myself. Yet I have no motivation to do anything about it. I don’t play guitar when I’m at home. I only play music during band practice and shows. I don’t even have the motivation to do the thing I’ve always loved more than anything. I have to go back to school but I can’t bring myself to get it started. I ignore all my doctor’s phone calls and don’t go to the doctor unless I’m going to run out of medicine and they don’t let me get a refill without a med recheck. I don’t even have the motivation to hangout with my friends. I barely see them and it’s all because of my lack of effort and motivation. I can’t stand this but I can’t bring myself to do anything about it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.