sweet catharsis

I have suffered from depression, anxiety/panic disorder, and ADD since probably when I was about 10 years old. In the case of ADD, probably longer. One of the “nicknames” I received as a kid was “absent-minded”.

I started taking medication for depression and panic disorder when I was 18 years old due to a massive panic attack that sent me to the E.R. Both my parents (and myself) were in denial for a long time about me having any mental illnesses. I think we were all afraid. There is a long history of bipolar, depression and anxiety on my mom’s side of the family, and alcoholism, depression, and who knows what else on my dad’s side of the family. My paternal great grandmother committed suicide, and there have been many other suicide attempts in my family. Whether or not a lot of these mental illnesses are genetic or situational, I don’t know. Considering what many of my family members have gone through I wouldn’t be surprised if it was both.

But I digress.

I started meds at 18. That is all I did. My issues were never talked about. They were largely avoided. Again I was afraid of addressing it and so were the people around me. Meds helped somewhat, but never was it enough. They also made me very sick (nausea, vomiting, occasional insomnia) but I was afraid to change my meds. I was afraid to take them. I went off and on them so many times I’ve lost count. I was afraid to look for more help so for years I did the bare minimum to keep myself afloat. I don’t feel like I was ever truly living.

I am now 26 years old. Only recently (last week) have I been officially diagnosed with ADD and started getting treated for it. I avoided it for so long. Only two years ago I finally mustered up the courage to say to a doctor that I didn’t think my meds were working. Only in these past two years since I left an abusive 8 year relationship and a toxic family situation that I have finally begun to pull myself out of this cycle.

And today for the first time in years, I feel what I imagine is normal. I can’t wait to wake up in the morning. I feel motivated. I feel positive. I believe I am finally on the right meds. I have caring people I can talk to about my problems.There is nothing wrong with getting away from what is hurting you. I finally have learned that there is nothing wrong with asking for help.

I regret the wasted years... but I greatly look forward to the better ones. I want to live a fulfilling live and I finally feel like I can.