When Depression Loosens the Collar
I had a long conversation with a friend last night, about depression.
Depression is just plain brutal, and Iāve had more experience with it than I care to think about. Ā It hurts everyone involved, in ways that are subtle and devious. We realized during our discussion, though, that itās particularly hard for the submissive partners of affected Dominants.
D/s is not our entire relationship, but its nuances color so many of our interactions. Ā When Wolfās depression takes hold, itās sometimes all he can do to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Ā He manages the bare essentials, and not much more. Ā Not only do I feel helpless because I canāt bring him out of it, but I feel adrift, unloved, and decidedly un-owned. Ā How can he give me the structure and discipline I need if he can barely make himself get out of bed? Then in the midst of feeling sorry for myself, I remember how much worse he must feel, and I add guilt to the reasons I hurt.
On the worst days, it feels like heās in a isolation booth. Ā I can see him, but I canāt touch him. Ā I know heās there, and I know that he will eventually be released, but that doesnāt make the wait any easier. Ā All I can do is keep mouthing I love you against the glass, and hope he understands.
My friend and I asked Wolf for advice, and this is what he said.Ā āRemember that depression isnāt about you. Ā It isnāt anything youāve said or done, and doesnāt mean that they donāt love you. Ā Even though it feels helpless, and like thereās nothing you can do, your efforts matter, even when youāre turned away. Ā Itās also okay to engage an activity with your partner, and push past the lethargy to force a little light in.ā
He also recommended a support group, but my friend pointed out (rightly so) that many of the issues facing subs are unique to us. Ā Can you imagine going to a depression support group and complaining that your partnerās depression was really cutting into your spanking time? Ā Probably not the best conversation starter.
I wish I had all the answers, but I donāt. Ā What I can offer is the reassurance that your Dominant is still inside there somewhere, waiting to come back to you. The grip holding the leash might be slack, but the collar is still in place. Ā Hang in there, and remember that sometimes being needed is just as rewarding as being dominated.
~spice