The Life of....

Relationships are one of life’s most difficult things that unfortunately everyone wants. Everyone wants a significant other to call their own and to show love to. I feel like this day in age everyone is so quick to be in a relationship and don’t care to see the signs that the person you’re with is toxic.

Recently, something in my life happened where I was beyond depressed and for some reason I couldn’t get out of the depression kick. Everyone could tell something was wrong because I was off and not my normal self. There was a person that I wanted to be by my side through this cluster-fuck of emotions that I was going through but they weren’t there for me in my darkest hour and that showed me everything I needed to know about this person.

Any-who, that leads to the topic of toxic relationships and if the relationship is even right. If there are red flags in the beginning JUMP SHIP NOW! Trust me, it won’t get better. I have dated the nicest guys to the biggest douche bags and whenever I saw a red flag in the beginning I always stayed thinking it was just one thing but then it turned into a mountain of other bullshit nonsense that frankly I really don’t have time for. The biggest red flag is someone who is more concerned about their friends and other things before you. The reason why I say that is because there was a situation where a significant other put their friends before me and put their happiness before mine. There would be times we would be on the phone and he would hang up on me randomly and when I would call and text after there would be no response. When I was going through something and I needed them they were not there, they cared more about their friends significant other than their own. When I would try to talk to him and let him know how I was feeling he let his friend take the phone and hang up on me. Not once but TWICE. 

Things have been pretty hectic lately with certain things which have kept me away from getting things off my mind. Well yesterday was definitely where I hit rock bottom and I know the reason why I hit rock bottom was because of the actions that I was doing or not doing and I totally accept that. Life is tough and when you get knocked down, just get back up and keep it pushing. So why is it that I have been the only person telling myself this my whole life?

I can honestly say as much of an open book I am. There are still a thousand things that people don’t know about me and I mean no one besides the people that were there. When I was 3 my dad died and honestly even though I was young it still kills me to this day that I never got a chance to have memories that I could look back on when I miss him. It does really suck but to be honest I did get my closure a couple years back.

The only living parent that I had left was my mother. My mother and me have no relationship what so ever. Have you ever lived with someone and just felt completely uncomfortable while they were there? Well that is my situation as I am living with this woman until I get my place. Now I’m not going to sit here and bash her for strangers to make an opinion. What I will say is how I feel when it comes to me and her. 

Me and her have never gotten along. I want to say everything started when I was about 9 or 10 when things got really bad and just continued to get bad. Now you see where I used to live was considered the hood. You had sets on every corner, different gangs on different blocks, drug addicts, homeless people, and etc. So when I was younger I can honestly say the hood and my step dad raised me and for some reason that has always been her issue with me. When I talk to my step-dad he says its because she’s jealous that you have goals and plans with your life that don’t fit the boring 9-5.

Well this morning was an interesting series of events. One of them being that cops caught some drug dealer on my street. As interesting as it was to watch all of this go down. The only thing that kept going through my mind was; “How did I not know there was a drug dealer and why didn’t he hook me up”. Totally kidding.........or am I?

Anyways, there’s been something that has been bugging me the last couple days and I feel I need to let this off my chest. One thing that can really put me off on a person is how they speak to other people. Now, I know that I am not the greatest person when it comes to this because I can honestly destroy someones life with the vile things that come out of my mouth. I am not proud of it, but is definitely a trait I possess.

Besides that point, I really hate when someone who you know has their faults and dirt tries to make you feel like you are beneath them. The first thought that comes to my mind when I hear someone doing this is, “Do you feel better about yourself?” NO ONE IS PERFECT. I repeat NO ONE IS PERFECT. The thing that really gets me is when you tell someone something negative that is either you or pertaining you and they make a slick comment that involves them and then blows it off like you’re not upset about it. Newflash: If I am coming to you with an issue that is clearly upsetting me and you blow it off and make a comment about how you are better, then yeah I am going to be extremely pissed.

Day 1

Being a person who can’t seem to get together is beyond one of the frustrating things any human being has to deal. If you’re an alien congratulations you don’t have to deal with the stupidity of human problems. Although, you probably have alien problems that us humans have no understanding of. ANYWHO, let us begin this blog of the day.

I am probably the worst dater in the history of dating I can admit that. Hell, I am not the perfect girlfriend either. Have you ever wondered if maybe the real reason your relationships fail is because of you? I constantly wonder that on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong, I have dated a couple grade A douche bags, but the others I can honestly say I destroyed that relationship. I know I am not a perfect angel, hell I wouldn’t be surprised if I was a half spawn of Satan with the way I act sometimes. The sad thing is, I don’t mean to destroy something that is working out amazing for me. I realize what I have done AFTER everything is done. Don’t worry I did tell the ex-boyfriends that I did hurt that I was sorry because I can honestly say. I never meant to hurt them. 

Recently, my first boyfriend that I ever had got in contact with me and talked about how he wanted to meet up and wanted to know how I have been doing since we broke up. The first thing that I could say was I’m sorry. That relationship I destroyed beyond belief and honestly, if I could take back the whole thing I would. He was my first love and my first really anything. (I’ll touch that story in a different blog). I wasn’t expecting his reaction to be so chill and accepting, but I am beyond glad and relieved that I was able to get that apology and guilt off my shoulders, because I know for a fact I hurt him.