Declaration of Independence from the leaderboard (NorCal Masters wrap up and CrossFit Open preview)
I wasn't planning on doing NorCal Masters this year. I competed in 2015, and there were many,many tears about how hard it was, the shame and embarrassment I felt about not being as good as the other competitors, and my fear about whether I was even good enough to be able to participate.Â
 Last year, I was a last minute scratch, due to an unexpected and sudden bout of pneumonia. And this year, I just couldn't get myself to commit. This world has enough challenges-I don't need to go looking for more suffering. As I like to tell people, I'm probably not going to win the CrossFit games this year, so maybe I can ease back the throttle on the stress and intensity.Â
When I did the 2015 NorCal Masters competition, I had to pr on FIVE different movements (16 kg kettle bell snatch, 16 kg kettle bell weighted pistol, 24 kg kettle bell overhead swing, 95 pound thruster, and chest to bar pull-ups) just in order to participate. Even though I pushed myself to the outer limits of my capacity, I finished second from last. It was an incredible growth experience, and I treasure the friendships I made and deepened. But I'm not wanting to suffer and struggle like that right now, even if it means sacrificing some of the possible gains that come with that level of intense competition. So I told myself I wouldn't sign up until/unless I felt like I could show up with an attitude of openness, fun, and celebration of friendship and fitness.Â
Time kept passing, and I was aware that not making a decision was rapidly becoming a decision to not participate. In early January, I started to change my mind, but found that registration had closed. I decided that was the cost of waiting too long, but that I couldn't have forced myself to feel open and ready until it was there. And I was ok with it. Then fate struck, in the form of an email from my gym mate, who was unable to use his entry, due to a minor injury. He asked if I wanted it, and without giving myself much time to think about it, I just said yes. So, about two weeks before the competition, I was in.Â
 Oddly, I never did get very nervous. They don't announce the workouts until shortly before the competition (only 36 hours before the athlete check in this year), so I couldn't practice anything in advance. I also tweaked my lower back the weekend beforehand, so I was mostly focused on healing my body.Â
 I know sometimes people say to not compete with others, and to only compete with yourself. I realized that I don't want to compete with ANYONE, including myself. Competing makes me tense and squeezes the joy out of life experiences for me.Â
But, even though I don't like that feeling of anxiety that comes with competition, one of my favorite things to do is to spend the day working out and hanging out with my friends. On those days, I barely know what my scores are, and I definitely don't care. Although I guess we are technically competing with each other, it doesn’t feel like it.
So I decided to approach NorCal Masters like it was a Sunday Funday with my friends. Just do some work, have some fun, and don't worry too much about the outcomes.Â
 Were there goals? Not many. I hoped that I might not finish in last place, but if I had a good time competing with friends, I was really okay with whatever the leaderboard showed. I just didn't want to spend another competition feeling tense or self doubting. If I managed to enjoy myself and relax, then I really didn't have any other major goals.Â
 Wanna know what happened?Â
 First, and most importantly, I had a great time. As always, TJ's Gym always puts on a well run event, which has been aptly described as a family reunion. I spent lots of time hanging out with some bad-ass athletes who happen to also be incredible people.Â
 And what about the leaderboard? I finished tied for fifteenth out of twenty four competitors, with my best finish a tie for ninth place in the weight vest run.Â
I have no idea how any of that could possibly have happened.Â
I thought I knew who I was and how I would perform, but as luck would have it, I was wrong. How fun is that? I had an opportunity to find out that I was better than I had thought.
So what does it all mean? For once, I'm not really sure. I felt freed by not worrying about the leaderboard. Since I wasn't trying to win anything this year, I was able to just show up and do my best.
I'd like to do more of that going forward. I don't think it will always lead to such unexpectedly positive results, but I don't need to be the best. I do want to feel my best though, and I'm excited I was able to achieve that goal.Â
 As I prepare for the open, I hope to bring that attitude along with me. As my wise friend K told me one day when I was freaking out about a competition, I can only control myself (and barely that), but I can't control who else shows up.Â
So who knows what the leaderboard will show? If it's all muscle ups and 300 pound deadlifts, then it might not be my year to rise up the leaderboard. If it's pistols, L-sits and overhead squats, you might see some cool stuff happening for me.Â
But either way, nothing has changed. I'm still me, I'm as good as I am, regardless of whether I'm the windshield or the bug. The leaderboard isn't a measure of my goodness as a human. It's not even a measure of my progress as a CrossFitter. It's just a measure of how I did on five saturdays in May.Â
 So this is my Declaration of Independence from the leaderboard.
 I am obviously going to refresh it non stop to see how I measure up, because I'm still a human being. But I'm not going to let the outcome define me, or my progress. Whatever it says may be interesting, but not defining. What matters is coming together with my community in fitness, encouragement, and fun. So all I can do is show up, do me, and see what happens. I will give good effort, delight in the friendships and community around me, and let the rest be what it will be.