Nitty Gritty

may we burn to ash 

lost in regret 

I struggle 

The skin on my right hand is tight and itchy. So I scratch but it makes the dryness worse and it stings like I've been sunburned, the deep cracks that cover my hands are flakey and irritated from the friction caused by my fingernails The dead skin lays like dust on my hand so I scratch again, it doesn't make the burning stop. Sunlight politely shines through the window uncovering layers of my skin my hand seems to be almost transparent, the red of my muscle can be seen. I want my skin to stop itching and I want the burning to calm So I use cold lotion, but it doesn't smooth over the cracks, It doesn't stop the irritation, So I just keep itching.

brilliant words by me

-Mānoa B.

When you watch from a distance you can see the quirks and little imperfections. You can see the small things you never noticed, and it’ll hit you with such great force….. It feels like a screw driver twisting and jabbing at your heart. Like a bucket of cold water suddenly dunked on your chest. You can look at all the memories with such clarity, good and bad. All the great times you had being with them, laughing till you couldn’t breath, smiling so much your face hurt….. casually saying crude things with no ill intention; Fuck you, asshole, motherfucker, bitch, jerk. The moment you wanted to punch them because they hurt your feelings, that day you couldn’t stand being around them because their voices were annoying. The nights spent saying weird ass shit and talking nonsense. The days were you couldn’t agree on silly topics like showers are better than baths. It is going to hit you A realization that those silly days are actually, truly in the past. And the reason why the impact will hurt so bad is because Your going to have to make new memories You have changed And so have they
And the simpleness of those precious memories is what will to hurt the most. And sometimes you can’t make those simple things come back, no matter how hard you try. -Manoa B.

Taking time in the early morning to listen to the soft chirping of birds taking a deep breath in, smelling the lavender blanket mixed with the crisp dewiness morning brings, trying to inhale the sunlight that shines through the small window exposing the patterns of dancing dust floating in the air. My eyes are heavy with the weight of morning drowsiness, but I can’t seem to close them so I stare at the cracking ceiling, finding shapes hidden in the peeling white paint. I’m laying on my back, searching for the movement of the earth’s rotation, imagining the earth’s core covered in scorching lava. My sweaty palm reaches outward into the air watching sunlight from the window expose my glistening dry skin I imagine it's like the earth's magma slowly creeping through the earth's soil. I want to stay in this moment for as long as I can the soft music of birds the fresh lavender with warm sunlight this feeling of being more than I am, more than a body of a human more than my skin that covers the skeleton, muscles and blood. Because in moments like this, I slowly fall into pieces of weightlessness like confetti in a parade I can almost float away into the oxygen I breathe I lay on my back, drifting back down into the world's stiff reality like the sun exposing the dancing dust, I want to expose the hidden parts of me I want to be more than a moment of what reality remembers. More than the weightlessness I desire so much. I want this version of my human self, that my society has shaped me into, to blossom with potential. So I'll have to get up Repack all the weight I put down And start this journey again Of being who I am.