A cup of Inspiration

I started today by listening to the playlist I made about you.

It’s not always about the feelings embracing me everytime I think of you.

Sometimes it’s just a reminder, sometimes it’s a moment, sometimes it’s a statement.

I’m listening to NIKI singing to La La Lost You, the acoustic version, as I’m writing this. It’s not 100% accurate, but I like listening to her singing while thinking about our trip to Paris Van Java.

“You would know if you stay, you would know if you put up a fight”

I’m not really sure what it means, but the line hits me. It makes me feel something.

I’ve been thinking about this song for some time now, and I wonder if I ever found someone to think about, and I’m glad it is you. I admire how this song makes me feel. It’s warm, with a hint of regret.

Truthfully, I don’t know if regret is the right expression.

Will I regret this? Will I (we) be able to cherish this until we finally meet the (each of our) ONE?

Never thought I would walk on a path I know will end. 

Never thought I would walk together along with someone, knowing we’ll go separate ways after sometime.

How would you feel if you’re attending your high school reunion, but you suddenly meet your middle school ex-boyfriend who did not even go to your high school, alongside with his pregnant wife? You yourself, went there with a man you’d marry in maybe a year or two.

You got out of the room because you couldn’t bear seeing them together and happy. You went outside to see some competition which was being held (couldn’t find out why, though). Five minutes later, an old friend came to you saying that your ex-boyfriend insisted to secretly meet you in the gym’s girl’s changing room (which you never knew existed).

After a few rejections, you decided to say yes and meet him.

Which led you to the girl’s changing room.

And he’s already there, holding a cigarette.

The brand was still the same. Marlboro Ice Blast.

(Was it still produced in the market?)

Then he asked you why you’re being so cold?

(What did you expect? You broke my heart. You went to a school reunion bringing your pregnant wife. I did not want to act so friendly. I did not want your wife to get suspicious. Yeah I knew we were so close to each other even at the time we’re not sucking each other’s lips.)

You did not answer.

Then he threw away his cigarette and kneel in front of you, then grab your feet and cry. He cried so hard you never seen it before. You started to get confused. What the hell happened?

Then he’s rumbling about this family pressure of having to get married, and that it was a mistake. Your family had to go through this again. That you had to endure the stress. That you had to live with her even though she was hell for you.

(Your family had to go through this, AGAIN? Did you mean your marriage was an accident? What did that have to do with ME? Why were you telling ME this? Out of all people, why telling ME? A girl whose heart you’d broken. did you expect sympathy? Maybe a shelter, a temporary shelter, because I was madly in love with you?)

You rub his cheeks smoothly, and the corner of your right eye caught a fox ripping out a lamb’s flesh brutally and carried it away from your sight. The fox wore trousers, but it’s away anyway.

You hadn’t said anything.

It was a good choice, because anything that came out of your mouth might change anything afterwards.

"Ada waktu nggak buat ngobrol sebentar?"

"Bentar ya aku lagi sibuk."

"Okey, kabarin ya kalo udah nggak sibuk."

Setengah jam kemudian muncul di social media.

Revenge? Maybe.

Bored? Probably.

Then disappeared for hours.

Was it my fault? Because I did so?

Have I gone from the priority list?

I always want to talk to you.

I always want to meet you.

Why have you never told me if you want it done?

Why are you holding on if it is not what you want?

Why does it feel like this?

I don't like it at all.

Tell me if I do wrong.

Tell me if you want an end.

Don't leave me fighting alone.

Don't call me because I told you to.

Dial my numbers because you miss me.

Saya selalu mencintai Bandung, bagaimanapun ia memperlakukan saya.

Saya mencintai bangun pagi di Bandung, bergumul di dalam selimut, menimbang-nimbang jam berapakah saya akan mandi di hari itu.

Saya mencintai sambutan matahari terbit dan kabut-kabut yang saya jumpai di Bandung Utara, menimbang-nimbang hari ini saya akan makan siang di mana?

Saya menyenangi setiap ruas jalan yang saya susuri, terutama Cipaganti dan Hegarmanah. Terutama di sore hari. Terutama Kineruku.

Saya selalu mendambakan untuk tinggal di Paris Van Java, semata-mata karena Bandung membuat segalanya terasa lebih emosional.

Begitu emosionalnya, hingga beberapa hari yang lalu, ketika saya memutuskan untuk tidak mencintai kota ini lagi.

I know that it’s unfair to blame you, Bandung, for things that happened to me. I know it’s not your fault, but I decided to retreat. When you and I occur, many good things happen, and only a few bad things happened. Unfortunately, the bad things affect me more than I can handle.

Just like I said,

You make everything feels more emotional. Including heart broken(s).

Jatuh cinta di Bandung merupakan perkara yang amat menyenangkan. Setiap janji yang terucap terdengar lebih indah, segala percakapan yang terjadi terasa lebih mengalir, segala perasaan terungkap terasa lebih tulus, dan segala permintaan maaf terasa lebih mudah dikabulkan.

Bandung tidak pernah setengah-setengah. Segala rasa sakit pun terasa menusuk lebih dalam.

Saya menyalahkan kamu karena terlalu indah, dan terasa terlalu nyata. Terlalu indah, sampai saya lupa bahwa bunga mawar pun berduri.

Heart brokens are warnings. Sebuah pengingat bahwa mencintai sesuatu secara berlebihan tidak akan baik akhirnya.

Jadi saya memutuskan untuk berhenti mencintai dan menginginkan kamu.

Many thanks,

Regards,

So I decide to join a challenge on Twitter today, which is called 14 Days of Love Letters. I think, “Why not?” life has been quite hard lately, and I think 2 weeks of themed-love-letters can change my mindset about how life goes on around me.

I should be starting to write tomorrow, but what the hell? I’ll start tonight. Whatever.

The first theme is about when did I first know that he was the one for me? How?

(I know the structure of this letter is boring and too obvious, but please bear with me, for I have not written for quite a while)

(I know I said that a lot, I am sorry)

(Please forgive me)

How did I know he was the one for me? Well, I don’t. I never know.

My dear, I did not even know how I fell for you. I never knew I would fall this hard into you, but loving you seems to be my easiest experience in loving a person. Our relationship did not start easy; it was hard, and it was full of obstacles. Yet, you are always be there for me, stand right by my side, never let me go through those moments alone.

Do you remember the first day we met? Do you remember our first date?

I know you told me that you’re not a romantic person, but hey, how can you make me smile with all those little things you do?

That you always hold my hand when we walk side-by-side.

That you never come late in our date. (Well, you did come late but it was very few)

That you always patiently wait for me to get ready. Never complaints.

That you always say “I love you. See you soon. Have a good sleep.” almost every day, even when we fight. (Except on those days when both our egos take control)

That you always spoil me with anything I want, but never assume that I am taking advantages of you.

That you always feed me when I am hungry, and never get mad at me when I couldn’t finish my meals.

That you always make sure I get home safe.

That you were being a gentleman when my dad asked you, “What’s your plan with my daughter?”. You answered him calmly and confidently. At least, that’s how I thought.

When did I know you were the one for me? I am a hopeless romantic. You got me when you said, “I never want to marry a girl like I want to marry you.”