secret vent blog

there’s a different gc i could leave that would cause less questions but *would* cause more distress considering the material of it. auwah

i’m tired of being nice

i took the medicine and i know it’s gonna be upset i did but i just want it here so im less alone. but i cant and shouldn’t cause it has work and im already burdening one person with it and ums just talking about themselves and getting me to comfort them even tho im really scared and sick. and itll be up in a couple hours. i just gotta make it a couple more hours and even if its brief it’ll be here and it’ll be okay

i really need to stop trying with um i swear. there’s no fucking point anymore

why do they feel the need to rub in that my family is so fucking shitty every time i say “hey people you love are capable of doing bad things”. clearly um can only fucking understand that doing bad things doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person if it applies to them

i’m considering leaving again but it’d cause so many problems. ugh. and not ones i could ignore either most likely

why do you only like calling with people now. you never liked it before. did i ask for too much.

how do i say “i don’t really want you to come because i have a strong feeling you’re going to do something in my own house that makes me deeply uncomfortable and also im scared of being around you post realizing one or more of your headmates took advantage of me but im also trying to suppress that realization because i feel like im misremembering and overreacting and crazy” without sounding mean as fuck when they were already invited before i had this whole revelation thing. and also one of their syskids is fronting. and you feel like you’re crazy cause not much of a reaction came from talking about it so clearly it’s not that bad and i’m blowing it out of proportion. they already felt bad about it im wrong im crazy it’s no big deal im crazy. suck it up buttercup its no big deal. you can be nauseous for days straight its no big deal. you’re crazy.

i think over time i’ve realized that um kinda sucks a lot of the fun i have with things out of it and then i just don’t enjoy it anymore or it gets tainted. it happens with bits i do it happened with heated rivalry. it feels like whenever i enjoy something they just have to criticize it in some way even tho i know its not true. and i can’t even tell honk it hurts my feelings cause its not gonna change anything and it’s just gonna make them feel worse. i can’t even really be happy about my relationship in front of pop cause the pda makes um feel bad and he does not fucking hide it. it sucks that my feelings get hurt all the time and i just take it cause i know talking about it won’t change things but i notice when they’re upset and try to get the jump on making it better if i can. im used to it after all these years so its not a big deal. but i still think i love um more than she loves me.

popped 4 pills. it’s double what i usually take when im doing really bad but it’s also not gonna make me OD it’s half of the max safe dose. might pop 4 more in a few minutes

notes have been written. now i just have to get the balls to send them. even if i don’t do anything with these pills the notes are mainly nice things so. only one person will know what they were written for if i send them

locked myself in my room with about 220mg of my meds. dunno if i wanna take the whole thing all at once or spread it out some. i don’t think it’ll kill me but it’ll do something.

AOUUFHHAHKJT i feel so much better having it confirmed that we are not dating jesus christ. my reaction was literally “oh thank fucking god”. it means i don’t have to break up with them and there’s no weird expectations or anything. i want to leave a little less

i don’t know why it’s been so hard to be around um lately. nothing really happened it’s not different. i just. it’s hard and i haven’t liked it and it’s tense and uncomfortable for me. but there’s no solid reason as to why i feel this way i just do. i know part of it is cause ive realized my husband just. treats me better. but i dont know how to express that in a constructive way cause i dont want to be an asshole. and there’s nothing i can point to to explain how to be better. ough

guhhhhhh i hate having to remind myself that my husband loves me so i don’t fucking spiral into insecurity

i’ve started only telling my husband when i make progress with mental health issues (trying something new / allowing myself to take meds without getting to a breaking point / talking about my feelings) cause i know they’ll actually. engage with it. and congratulate me for progress and whenever i worry about falling back it reassures me that trick still wants me. it’s so much easier to tell someone the bad things when they really interact with the good things