All this time

Ryder: There was a part of him that knew Sugar should have the biggest wedding possible, that she should have all her friends and family there, her dad should walk her down the aisle. She should have this dream wedding that people dream about but he so badly just wanted to marry her and prove to her and even to his father that he was in this till the end and there wasn't a thing holding him back from this moment. This is what he have always wanted, a future with the one girl he ever truely loved. He nodded his head and took her hand in his, playing with her fingers a little. "We can pick any two people, anyone I just... I really wanna marry you." He smiled and not the inside of his cheek, "Vegas, babe, let's go to Vegas. Let's get married."

Ryder: As soon as she brought up other people he got a weird feeling, not because he thought what they were talking about doing was wrong at all he couldn't feel more right about it but he didn't want anyone to put doubt in their heads. Something he knew people would do and they would do it not trying to be mean but it's a reflex with some people. There was one person he knew he really didn't want to tell and that was his father. There was no way. "Let's just get married, what do people call that again? Alope? Let's just alope together? I don't want anyone getting in the way of this. I want this, I wanna promise to you that I'll always be yours no matter how far we are from each other." He leaned forward and pressed his lips on her cheek gently, pulling away and rubbing the tip of his nose on hers, "We just need one witness right?"

Ryder: He had no idea what they were doing, he didn't know if it was a good idea or a horrible one coming into play but he wanted this. He have always wanted a future with Sugar and why not start now? Kissing her back he smiled into the kiss not really able to help but smile, he couldn't get the grin off his face. "Engaged, we're engaged." Ryder leaned down and wrapped his arms around her waist before standing up straight to pick her up off the ground and hold her in a tighter hug. "I could get used to that too, so my very soon future wife what is it that newly engaged people do?" He set her back down and bit his bottom lip, "This is completely insane! You know that right?" He still had the smile on his face from before, "But I like doing insane things with you. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, Sugar Valentina Lynn."

Ryder: Hearing the words come out if her mouth surprised him more than anything really had before and being with Sugar there were always surprises little things she would do that would surprise him but only in the best of ways. This is just something so unexpected he didn't know where to start. It was something he would've never expected, he was the one to blurt crazy things out loud but this time it was her. Then again, blurting things out was sort of both their thing. He had a look of confusion on his face leaning down and kissing her lips like she had said. For whatever reason he couldn't get into the kiss, he of course loved kissing her but there was too much on his mind. Pulling back he looked back into her eyes, "Yes." He said nodding his head, "Yes, that was probably the craziest suggestion ever and yes I wanna marry you someday... But why can't that someday be before you leave? Yes, I'll marry you." He let out a soft chuckle still looking into her eyes, not really believing what he was saying but not seeing himself say anything else but that, it might have been pretty unbelievable but he likes doing the surprising things with her. "Yes, I wanna marry you, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you starting now for forever."

Ryder: All he wanted to do was tell her everything was going to be okay, that they would be okay because he wanted to believe that they would. That nothing would ever happened to them and they would finally be able to grow as the couple they had become he truly believed that he wasn't going to be with anyone else in his life, that she was the love of his life and with anyone else it would just feel wrong and off. Ryder kissed the top of her head and rubbed the tips of his fingers on her back gently, trying to calm her down. "Good, because I know I can handle you for the rest of my life too. I actually don't see myself handling anyone else but you." Ryder loved her with everything in him, he always have and he wanted her to understand that he wasn't going anywhere whether near of far he'd always love her. "Sugar, you can be millions of miles away from me and it wouldn't change the way I feel about you and the promises I've made to you. The way I feel about you hasn't changed once since I met you, you're still this amazing beauitiful person that I wanna be with. I've always wanted you even when we weren't together and that won't change when you're gone."

Ryder: pulled back slightly so he could look into her eyes, moving his hands up to her upper arm and rubbing it, "Nothing is gonna happen. We'll be okay, I promise you that we'll be okay. I won't let anything happen, okay?" He pulled her back into a hug and laid his head on top of hers. Part of him didn't know if this was true, he couldn't tell the future he didn't know if something was going to happen or if something wasn't and he didn't know one thing about long distant relationships but he wanted to believe that it would all be okay and that they would get through this. They have been through so much and got through it to them this was probably nothing, right? "But Sugar? I promise... I promise if anything happened if anything at all happened to pull us apart I'll be sure to find my way back to you. You're all I know and all I want to know. I promise to love you forever and be with you until you can't handle me anymore. I promise I'll always come back for you and I promise to always wait for you."

Ryder: Again everything inside of him was screaming at him, telling him to stop being the person that puts other people in front of himself even if that person was Sugar. Tell her to stay and never leave him because he already lost her once. He was so scared of losing her again but he knew he couldn't be someone different from himself, he knew he had to be the guy he was and that guy was the guy Sugar loved so he knew she would understand. "It will be enough, it'll be more than enough for you Sugar Motta. You're not the type of girl that doesn't do things because of a boy... Even if you're in love with that boy... Even if I know you'd stay with me, you'd drop it all for me because you see something in me I'd never understand... I'm not going to let you stay for me I can't let you stay for me." Ryder felt his throat tightening up, like at any moment he could let out a word and it would come up as a sob instead, he hated that feeling but the reality of all this was sinking in quicker and quicker and he really didn't want to lose her, he didn't want the chance of them being back to where they were before to happen, taking a small breath he looked into her eyes, making sure he had direct contact with her, "It's us Sugar, it doesn't matter where you are or where I am, we'll always know that we'll be back together. Our dreams could lead us to places we'd never except, our lives could change, things could scrabble out of place, but my love for you will never change and I don't think yours will for me either."

Ryder: Everything seemed a lot calmer, seemed a lot more comfortable. In ways he was glad he told her what he been keeping secret for so long, it felt good in to get it all off his chest and it helped that the person he had told was Sugar. Not just because she was the person he was completely in love with but it helped that she was her, she was understanding and sweet, kind hearted, she cared so much for people, she cared about her friends and she cared about him. She made his whole world feel like it was full of sunshine and happiness as sappy and cheesy as that sounded. It didn't matter what she was doing. With her around everything was so much better. He just laughed in response to the wrinkle conversation they were having before really noticing just how little clothes mainly she had on and for a split second he felt his cheeks burn red before calming himself down, "I think that's a good idea only if you'll be on my team though, I don't wanna shoot at you and I have a feeling you'll sneak up on me and win. Since you're mini sized." He squeezed his arm around her before letting go and sitting up slightly, "I will, I'll always remember that. It's not something I could easily forget."

Ryder: There was a part of Ryder that wanted to tell her to just forget the whole thing and stay with him but he knew that this would be good for her. He couldn't take something like this away from her, not her dream. "I know it's a year, I get that but it's just one year. One year of our lives that we won't be together every single day. We can call and text, skype, do other things that people do when they are in long distance relationships. I'll come see you as much as possible. We can do this and still be as strong as we are now. I might be your dream, you're my dream too but you got me and I'm not going anywhere so go for the next dream. You're allowed to have two."

Ryder: For the first time after he told Sugar about what happened in his past he laughed, smiled even. It might have not been the strongest laugh and smile but he still did. Hearing her talk calmed him in so many ways it was insane. He sniffed slightly and moved his hand up to his face, rubbing the back of it under his eyes and laughing again before putting his hand on her back and rubbing, "If you aren't gonna get wrinkly then I'm not either." All he did was nod when she told him they could wait, he still felt bad that he couldn't right then or earlier because he did want to and he did love her but he didn't want her to know that he still put himself down for that so he ignored the feeling, knowing it was wrong for him to feel it because Sugar didn't just want him for sex and he didn't just want her for sex, they just wanted each other. "I love you, Sugar. I love you so much good and not so good."

Ryder: All he did was listen, take in every word she was saying. He didn't want to miss anything, all he wanted to do was process it all. If Sugar was gone that far away, so far he couldn't just drive to see her it would be hard he knew that, he wasn't stupid, for the most part he thought. Hearing her talk about journalism and going somewhere that would be actually really amazing for her carreer made him in a way happy for her even if she didn't really seem happy about it. "Babe," he said reaching his hands out and placing them on her upper arm, looking into her eyes, "I love you, you know that right? I love you more than anyone, you're the only girl I've ever loved and the only girl I plan on ever loving. Don't be scared for us, we'll be okay. You and me, right? It's always gonna be you and me no matter what. I get that you signed up for something because you were hurt but you must have kinda really wanted it, right?" He slowly moved his hands up to her neck while his thumbs were on her cheeks. "I'm freaking out. I'm terrified of you leaving and finding out that you could have the whole world if you wanted but it's us and I know we can get through anything. I'm not gonna make you stay because I think this will be good for you, I think you'll end up really glad you went and I don't wanna take that away from you. Sugar, you're so smart and talented. It's about time someone else realized that, this is your chance to do something you'd never expect you'd be doing. Live out a dream." Giving her a small smile he tried to hold back the lump in his throat, thinking of her leaving having more and more of an effect. Was it bad he wasn't fighting for her to stay? Was he making a mistake? "I want you to stay with me and it'll be so hard but I don't want you to resent me because I made you stay and I pulled you away from something you sure as hell deserve."

Ryder: Quickly he brought his hand up when she wiped away some of his tears and wiped the same place pushing on his skin like the harder he pushed the faster all the tears would magically vanish and he wouldn't feel so weak. Crying in front of Sugar wasn't what bothered him even though he didn't like doing it, it was easy with her because he was comfortable but the thing that bothered him was wanting to be strong for not only her but himself as well. "Maybe that's why the universe or whatever higher power there is if there's one put us together because we see something in each other that the other one doesn't see." He accepted the hug right when she wrapped her arms around him and immediately a sense of calm came over him he wasn't magically healed or anything but he felt better in her arms again. "I love you so much and I know one day everything will work out because we're together. You..." His voice started to tremble once again like a waterfall of tears were threatening to pour out of his eyes, "You're the only person for me, my person I-- I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here with me everyday because... Because no matter what you say you're truly the strong one. I want it all with you, Sugar Motta. Everything. I want the talks, the laughs, t-the days and nights, I want the firsts and lasts, I wanna have a phase where we can't physically keep our hands off each other like those crazy couples, I wanna do wild and not so wild things with you. I wanna have a future with you, so I know we'll have that." He didn't know why he was telling her maybe it was because of how out of the world he felt or maybe it was because he wanted her to know that what happened to him would fade because all he cares about is them and their future.

Ryder: Thankful that Sugar pulled him out of where his mind was going by grabbing his face he kept his eyes on hers and tried so hard not to cry, even though his eyes were already red and glassy but he couldn't help it and a few tears ran down his cheek causing him to move his hand up to his face and rub the back of it along his cheek quickly, like that would somehow make it less noticeable. More than anyhing he wanted to be strong for her, he wanted to be this guy she thought he was but he didn't at all feel like it, not even close. "I- I just... I..." His voice was cracking more than he would have liked, he felt like he couldn't even get a word out let alone a sentence without feel like he was going to start crying like a five year old. "People are sick but maybe I'm just... M-maybe I'm just as sick for letting her... For letting her do what she did. Maybe I'm j-just as screwed up?" Blinking a few times to clear his eyes because they were getting to fuzzy from the tears that filled them, "I can't even... I just wanna be normal for once in my life but all I do it disappoint and do the wrong things. M-my dad can't even look at me without yelling... My mom she... I know she would never say it but she probably thinks anyday now I'll be back home because I flunked out of college... I let that girl... I let her do that and when I actually did have sex for the first time I couldn't get it out of my head, it made it horrible and now I can't even... I can't even be close to my girlfriend because I'm scared to death that I'll ruin it... I'm not sorry for myself or for what happened. I'm sorry for all the people that have to deal with me. I'm sorry I can't be a normal guy for you..." He inhaled quickly and exhaled like he'd been holding in a huge breath, he didn't want to say half those things and he hated feeling this way, but he didn't want her to think he was strong because he felt weak or feel sad for him because he felt like most of it was just the way his life was. "Sorry... Sorry I didn't mean to snap. I'm sorry..."

Ryder: He quickly reached his hand up to hers when she touched his cheek and held it there while shaking his head slowly he didn't want her to give him a chance not to talk about it, he had to. This was something he told himself he set himself up for saying, he had to say it. So even though he didn't mean to seem cold he ignored her and kept talking. "We played that stupid game for hours and I honestly thought she was just letting me win because I beat her more times than I can remember. Later on she told me to jump in the shower, she said it was something my dad told her to make sure I did because I had school the next day and she already let me stay up later that I was allowed to." He tried his hardest not to think about what he was saying, tried to say everything quickly so he didn't have time to think about it. "Of course I got all my stuff together and got in the shower like any normal person would do... Maybe I did something to make her think it was okay... Maybe I said something or looked at her a certain way, maybe it was truly my fault and the grudge I hold against the people that I thought could have stopped it is wrong to have, it probably is..." This time he couldn't help but take a breath while his eyes stung even more than before and he could feel them watering up which meant they were probably red and it was noticeable. "She came in the sho-- I didn't know what to do... I didn't stop her or... I was freaking out, I just, I didn't know what to do so I froze up because of what she was... She--" his voice cracked while he tried to put the words together he wanted to say. "I thought she was cool... I thought... The worst part was when she... When she was done she told me she would let me watch more tv before going to bed if I didn't tell anyone... And I just, I nodded and watched fucking tv like nothing happened. Maybe it was the shock or that I was genuinely freaking out... I don't know, I'm sorry." He said, not able to actually say she had touched him or say that she had molested him, the words wouldn't form, he couldn't do it.

Ryder: Laying back on the bed he wrapped his arms around Sugar's body, his fingers touching the skin one her back. It was nice being that close to her, he didn't want her to let go and wanted to stay that way forever. The fear of telling her crept on him so rapidly and so strongly he just wanted to close his eyes and forget the whole thing, just hold her forever so everything would be okay and nothing bad or scary could ever get him again. That might have sounded pathetic since he was the guy and the guy is supposed to pull the girl away from fear, or that's what a lot of people thought but it wasn't true. Sugar was his anchor. She made him so much stronger than he could have ever imagined himself being. The silence and hearing her breathing slowly calmed him, knowing she was there. Feeling her skin against his brought him to a place he wanted to stay. Closing his eyes he took a couple breathes trying to calm down, until hearing her voice. He could tell she was upset and who wouldn't be? If they were in a relationship with someone and that person was pretty much having a panic attack in front of them, they would care and he could feel anything but bad for her, he knew if it was reversed he would want her to talk. Opening his eyes he squeezed her tighter to him and swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. "When I was younger, my parents they worked all the time, my dad always had to go to help a patient, my mom was helping with campaigns... Even when I was eleven they thought I couldn't handle things on my own, it made sense I guess my dad didn't want me taking care of myself, he probably wanted someone watching me twenty four seven to make sure I didn't drift off the path he had for me." He let out a scoff, thinking how dumb his story probably sounded, but all he could think about was telling her everything, leading up to it slow. "He got me babysitters. Me, babysitters like I was a five year old or something... This one night he hired this new girl, she was maybe eighteen or nineteen I'm not sure how old... She was actually pretty cool, she let me have whatever I wanted for dinner and she made me feel like I was just hanging out with someone rather then getting babysat." He felt his eyes start to sting as if he were holding them open for a long time, taking another breath it came out shaky, "We played that game where you guess who the other person has. You say do they have brown hair and if they don't you flip all the brown hair people down on your board." This time he laughed, trying to cover up the pain he was feeling.