Love&Light

It if isn’t one thing, it’s another. I’m doing my best as each day goes by. Some days are better than others. But everyday, I’m supported.

I am so extremely grateful for the relationships I have in my life. Literally. I have amazing people around me. Uplifting me. Challenging me on the best of ways. I was able to speak to 3 gf’s today. All at different times.

Shanera with work.

Marty with personal

Lu with personal.

Shanera was there for me as I was figuring out some work shit. Challenged and frustrated she reallly redirected my thoughts and helped me push forward. Thank you friend.

Marty listened to me as I came to terms with another layer of my uncomfortableness in this home, but also the challenges I have faced recently regarding my relationship, and the need for elevation. She always see the glass half full, and reminds me to be grateful. Ugh. I really needed that perspective. Thank you friend.

And Lu. She had a funny, that lightened my spirit, but she always had a personal. And wanted my input. Hopefully I helped me, and that conversation honestly led to her helping me. Reminding me of how blessed I am, and just being a sounding board. Thank you friend.

Each of these ladies gave me something today and in every conversation, I was able to take so many things from it. I was able to let go too!!!!!

My life is beautiful. And I sometimes I want to pinch myself because I can’t believe I’ve been lucky enough to have people in my corner.

I guess in some ways I haven’t had much to say.

Alexis Rai Gaynor. Such an important piece of my life so many years. I am sorry. I’m sorry I was not able to be the friend to you that I should have been. I just reread our last email exchange. Not sure what I was looking for. Maybe just to read how you felt about our friendship. I felt the same. And I didn’t say that. A mutual friend asked me how I was today. And here was my response. I’ll never get the chance to say this to you in person. So I’m saying it in spirit. And I hope you feel it.

I’m okay. How are you?

Actually, in some ways. I’m not. Feeling a lot of guilt. Years ago she reached out to me, to tell me she missed our friendship. And although, as polite as I could be, I declined the relationship. I was so caught up in the hurt I experienced over the course of the years in our friendship.

She wasn’t able to show up for me the way I thought she should show up. And as I got older and experienced more, I realized, that we were so young. I mean early 20’s. What the fuck do we know about anything? We all are just navigating life. Trying to find our way, with the tools we were given. Good and bad. And sometimes no tools at all. We have a lot of the same friends and I thought, maybe, one day I’d get to have that conversation with her. And apologize. And say, I now understand. And I’m sorry for not understanding then, so that I could be there to support you.

I was waiting for this organic opportunity. Like a run in, or in the same place at the same time. When in actuality, the feeling was enough.

My friend told me Saturday that people who transition have no sort of anger or hurt once they cross. And all the issues they had in the course of their lifetime are resolved. They feel free. And light. And I am hoping it’s true, and she feels free. From all the things that hurt her time here on earth. And I selfishly am hoping that she has forgiven me for not being the sort of friend I should have been to her while she was here.

So. Thank you for all that you have taught me. Shown me. The laughs, the cries, the arguments. The secrets you kept. ❤️ I love you

I am literally living out of suitcases and I am angry. Can’t even stay at my own house because people feel as if they can show up to my home when they want.

How fuckin dare you. How fuckin dare you show up to my house unannounced and then ride around my block several fuckin times. Who the fuck does that shit. I said what I said!!! Leave me the FUCK ALONE.

YOU ARE NOT MAKING IT BETTER! YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE!!!!

Did I do my part? Did I communicate how I felt? Was I allowing this person to express themselves? Did I give them a chance? And I thinking too much about how I feel? I am constantly asked myself those questions. I learned though, that I can ask myself those questions until I’m blue in the face, but if your partner is not 100% honest with you about how they feel, or what they are thinking, it doesn’t matter.

I couldn’t be with somebody who I didn’t really know how they felt about the issues we were facing as a couple or what they were facing alone. I felt in the dark. And I’m the dark too often. I also felt I had given this person an ample amount of time to make some changes or make some decisions about where this was going. And they did not. Now after I have expressed many many times not to reach out to me, they continue to do so. I don’t want yo overreact but I also want this person to respect my wishes. And at this point, I don’t believe it warrants another response.

And now, somebody who I have not communicated with for a year and a half is trying to convince me that we belong together. Although he may feel that way, I cannot say I feel the same. We dated very young, off and on for years. So much stupid shit. And although I have no ill feelings toward him because of it, all of the back and forth has created this wall. One that I don’t even think will come down. It doesn’t feel like a safe space. To love somebody the way that I want to be loved. I truly believe that in order to experience soul shaking love you have to be vulnerable and I don’t believe I can be that way with him. Nothing about it makes me feel safe or protected. And although I have in many ways moved past the issues we have had, there are certain things that still trigger me.