sad thoughts

At first, you seemed like the polar opposite of everything I was. Strict, rule-obsessed, chronically offline, the very picture of a model student who probably thought 'grinding' only referred to pestles in alchemy class. You were exactly the kind of person I'd normally avoid.

And... I was probably everything you disliked. A shut-in, a disaster. You followed every societal norm like it was scripture, while I barely remembered they existed. I told myself there was no possible way we could ever get along. 

But then things changed.

That time we worked together because of a crisis, something unexpected happened. I felt… happy. Because...you kept up.Most people couldn't. When I explained something technical, I usually watched their eyes glaze over after the second sentence. I'd simplify it, repeat myself. Eventually I'd just finish everything alone because it was easier. 

Ortho is the only one who’s ever truly matched my pace. I brag about being a genius but I don't like admitting how isolating it can feel. But your ridiculous ability to absorb information, to read complex documentation and actually understand it faster than anyone I’d ever met… it stunned me. For once, I could rely on someone.

After that, you started approaching me, asking if I could teach you more about technology and programming. And... though reluctantly, I said yes.

I started seeing you often.

You’d knock on my door with that polite, precise rhythm of yours. I’d look up from my screens to find you smiling. I watched you listen intently while I rambled about code architecture, your head tilted slightly, absorbing every word. I saw you focused, brow furrowed in concentration. I saw you pleased when something finally clicked, excited when a program ran without errors, proud when you solved a problem on your own. I saw you flustered, cheeks pink when I praised your progress.

Every new side of you felt like turning a gemstone beneath the light and finding another color hidden inside it. I kept wanting to see the next one. Without realizing it… I also stopped dreading your visits. Instead...I'd find myself glancing at the clock. Wondering if you'd be here soon.

Despite how different we were...our minds fit together strangely well. Like puzzle pieces that looked mismatched until someone actually tried connecting them.

Working with you felt easy. Our minds worked in similar patterns, precise and logical. We complemented each other in ways I’d never experienced with anyone except Ortho. It was new, addictive and… terrifying, so terrifying.

And then... those thoughts started creeping in. Those tender romantic moments I’d seen a thousand times in stories began inserting themselves into my mind, uninvited. We’d be studying together in my room, and suddenly I’d imagine reaching over to take your hand. Feeling the warmth of your fingers. Brushing a stray strand of hair from your face. Your head resting trustingly against my shoulder. The softness of your lips against mine.

I knew it was ridiculous. You were out of my league in every possible way. Beautiful, brilliant, respected by everyone, Socially graceful in a world that still felt like a broken, glitching nightmare to me. Why would someone like you ever want someone like me, a gloomy, anxious shut-in whose idea of a good day was never leaving his room?

Still...sometimes...you'd look at me with genuine admiration after I explained something complicated. Sometimes you'd smile softly, warmly, like seeing me genuinely made you happy. And in those moments... I let myself want. I let myself dream of something I was never meant to have.

I probably would've kept those feelings buried forever, if not for something Ortho had started saying lately. “If you do nothing, zero stays zero forever. But if you try, a zero can become one percent. And one percent… can grow.”

How could I tell you, though? The words felt impossible to speak aloud. They’d get tangled on my tongue, choked by anxiety. So I thought maybe… maybe giving you something first then explaining why would be easier. I'm good with my hands when it comes to tech, but I could make something beautiful too.

I thought about it for days. Then I remembered how much you loved your hedgehogs, those prickly little creatures that were actually soft and endearing once you got past the spines. And honestly… they reminded me of you. Easy to misunderstand, yet underneath… surprisingly gentle. And you had once told me, with a gentle smile, that I reminded you of a cat. Skittish at first touch, startled by sudden closeness, but eventually leaning in when the hand felt safe. You’d said it while lightly touching my hair, curious about its texture. 

I never told you...I only leaned into your touch because it was you.

I decided on a keychain charm. A tiny hedgehog and a tiny cat curled together, touching noses. Comfortable beside one another. Like…us. An unlikely pair that somehow fit.

Even if you rejected me (which seemed overwhelmingly likely), maybe you’d still keep it. Just because it was cute. At least this one small piece of my heart wouldn’t be completely discarded. At least my feelings wouldn’t vanish like they had never existed. This was the first time I’d ever felt this way about anyone. Probably the last. That small, warm light in the endless gray of my life… I didn’t want it extinguished entirely.

Once I'd decided what to make it came together surprisingly quickly. Within a few days...it was finished. Small and fragile, Full of everything I was too afraid to say.

The difficult part wasn't making it, It was deciding when to give it to you.. 

Inviting you to my room felt too casual, too everyday. I wanted the moment to feel… intentional. And if rejection came, I needed to be able to retreat alone. So I chose to wait for you after alchemy class. I would meet you outside, give you the charm, and…somehow force the words past the panic in my throat.

It turned out to be a rainy day.

I’ve always liked the rain. It softens the edges of the world, muffles everything, gives you permission to hide a little. The steady patter on rooftops and pavement felt like a shield between me and everyone else..The sun is too cruel, it exposes everything. But the rain… the rain forgives you for being small and scared.

I didn’t have an umbrella, but I had my usual hoodie jacket. If you’d forgotten your umbrella, I could offer i, drape it over your shoulders. Watch you look small and warm inside it, sleeves too long.It sounded...ridiculously romantic. Like something straight out of a dating sim. Maybe...just this once...I could experience one of those scenes too. I didn't even mind getting wet. Not if I got to see you smiling inside my oversized jacket.

My heart was already beating faster as I approached the alchemy building. I pulled the little charm from my pocket. An unlikely pair that somehow looked...right. I smiled despite myself.

Maybe...just maybe....

Then I looked up. And there you were, stepping out into the rain.

But then… he approached you. Prepared as always, holding a large umbrella. He tilted it over your heard to shelter you. You smiled at him, that bright, warm smile I’d come to treasure. The one that made your eyes soften. You said something I couldn’t hear, leaning in a little closer with a gentle expression. The two of you looked like you’d stepped straight out of one of those romance manga panels I'd read a hundred times.The kind where the artist doesn't have to tell you the characters belong together.

You can just... see it.

I instantly realized There was no space for me in that picture.

You already had someone beside you. Someone steadier, more dependable, more socially adjusted. Someone who could speak without tripping over every sentence. Someone whose world wasn’t permanently dimmed by gloom and anxiety.

What had I even been thinking?

I'd mistaken a handful of afternoons together for something extraordinary. Because for me… they were. You visiting my room had become the highlight of my week.

But for you… it was probably only one small part of yours. you had an entire vibrant world waiting for you, full of people who could offer so much more than I ever could. A whole life that continued after you left me behind.

Somewhere along the way...I'd forgotten that. I'd started believing our tiny little world inside my room was bigger than it really was.

It wasn't. It had only ever been a few afternoons... A few conversations... A few smiles I'd selfishly convinced myself meant more than they did.

…

I looked down at the charm in my palm.The tiny cat and hedgehog were curled together exactly as I'd made them, touching noses. Trusting each other completely.

They looked...happy.

I stared at them until my vision blurred. The cat suddenly looked foolish. A pathetic little thing that had wandered somewhere it didn’t belong. It had mistaken simple kindness for something more. It had seen a gentle smile and convinced itself…that smile could be meant for it.  How stupid.How embarrassingly delusional.

I'd told myself...if you rejected me… maybe you'd still keep it because it was cute. At least my feelings wouldn't simply be thrown away. Funny.

In the end…I was the one throwing them away. Because they were unrealistic, pathetic. They deserved to be forgotten.

The charm slipped from my hand and fell into the puddle with a soft splash, tiny cat and hedgehog figures slowly sinking beneath the ripples. Raindrops distorted their peaceful embrace until they looked almost like strangers again.

I walked away without looking back, the ache in my chest settling into a dull, familiar emptiness.

The only warmth I'd ever been brave enough to hold had been small enough to fit in the palm of my hand. And now… it was lying forgotten in a puddle behind me.