221B Philitup

“100th day of protests in Portland, we’re approaching 200k coronavirus deaths, things are very strange and the west is on fire. Tried my banana bread recipe with olive oil and less sugar, thought it was quite tasty but will stick with butter in the future.”

PSA

You feel like shit is a website set up to help you get out of that funk/improve things just enough to not feel horrible and miserable all the time.  It’s amazing.

Whether you struggle with mental health problems all the time or whether this is a new/temporary state for you, this guide is an easy and judgement-free self-care tool.

PLEASE TRY IT OUT!  Really!  You just click through the questions to answer and follow simple instructions that in the end, ideally, will help you to feel more comfortable and stable on a daily basis. 

This post doesn’t contain links to many professional resources - it’s a list of coping tips from people who are mentally ill/disabled themselves and who all decided to share what has worked for them here on tumblr. In the last 7 months I have been sharing content created for and by mentally ill/disabled people on this blog - and to celebrate reaching 5000 followers, I have decided to collect all the best coping tips I’ve come across in one easily accessible place. Enjoy!

Managing emotions:

Letting go of emotional suffering via mindfulness.

DBT strengthening statements

Handling negative emotions

The “emotions are signals” method

The “mindfully recognizing emotions” method

Healthy perspectives on emotions

The “emotions are like hiccups” method

The “healthy outlets” method

Managing anxiety:

Coping statements for anxiety.

Breathing exercise gif

Breathing exercise gif 2

Things to remember when having an anxiety attack

The “just show up” method

The “panicky friend” method

Grounding techniques 

The “I can survive the next 10 seconds” method

The “distract your brain” method

The “you will be able to cope” method

Managing depression:

7 depression tips and why they work

Depression tips

21 tips to keeping your shit together when you’re depressed

Managing executive dysfunction:

The “might as well” method.

The “one step access” method.

Why self-discipline isn’t always the answer. 

The “use whatever works” method.

The “taking care of someone else” method.

The “june-bugging” method.

Tricks for pushing through executive dysfunction

The “do several things at once” method

The “accept your limits” methods

The “turn it into a game” method

The “anything worth doing is worth doing poorly” method

The “tricking your brain” method

The “untangling the spaghetti” method.

The “smaller steps” method

The “emergency cleaning” method

The “letting go of should” method.

The “my body is an animal I need to care about” method

The “fork theory” method

The “remove the barriers” method

The “half-ass things” method

Managing negative thinking:

Challenging cognitive distortions.

Finding alternative thoughts.

Challenging negative thoughts

How to get over past mistakes

Toxic positivity vs hope and validation

How to improve your self-esteem

Negative and positive cognitions

The “self neutrality” method

The “separate your negative qualities from your identity” method

Self talk to help end obsessions

Ten forms of twisted thinking + ten ways to untwist your thinking

Managing self care:

How to practice balanced self care.

Why hands-on hobbies are important

Ways to self-soothe

A list of mental illness workbooks 

Ways to start feeling again

How to get back on track after a breakdown

How to self-soothe and treat yourself

Types of healthy coping skills

The “parenting yourself” method

An interactive self care guide

The “don’t ignore your needs” method

Online self care

Making the most of therapy

Free worksheets for people who can’t access therapy

The “add good things to your life” method

Showering for spoonies

The “do what you can” method

The “it isn’t a waste of time just because it won’t cure you” method.

Self care cheat sheet

The “create something” method

Managing school:

Studying with anxiety and depression

Studying with mental illness

Coping with dissociation in school

Managing exam periods when you’re mentally ill

The “done is better than none” method

How to survive college

Managing urges to harm yourself:

What to do to when you’re suicidal

Questions to ask before giving up

Alternatives to self harm

Boundaries are a complicated thing- especially for individuals who have been through trauma or come from families that had poor boundaries. We first learn boundaries in our family unit and then it is briefly talked about in schools, but most people just assume that boundaries are a thing ‘you know’. People who have gone through trauma may have had good boundaries before, but find them disrupted while trying to recover.

This is meant as a bare skeleton on how to rebuild boundaries:

Physical Boundaries.

Consciously make a decision about who can touch you, where and how. Lay out both things that are okay- and things that aren’t. Boundaries are going to vary from person to person- but you could say something like:

‘I am okay with my friends hugging me but only if they do it from the front’

'I am not okay with anyone touching my neck’

'I am okay with people I’ve just met asking for hugs- but not with them touching me without asking first’

Boundaries are allowed to change too. Something you used to be okay with- might not be after trauma, or not on days that you’re triggered. If this happens, just talk to the individuals involved.

When someone violates a boundary- call them out.  A simple ‘Hey, I really dislike being touched like that’ ‘I’m not a big fan of hugs’. Once you’ve laid out a boundary- you can just call someone’s attention to it with a simple ‘really?’ or ‘We’ve talked about this’ ‘You need to respect my decision on if I want to be touched.’

The best way to get someone to respect a boundary- is to say it in a calm but serious voice. Not angry but also not joking/nervously laughing. If you need to, physically take a step backwards to further reinforce the boundary. 

Emotional Boundaries

Sometimes it can be hard to draw emotional boundaries because ‘they need us’, ‘they’re just acting out’, or ‘a good friend would’.

Understand that boundaries are necessarily for everyone involved, and just giving in every time someone asks you for something isn’t being a good friend- it is being a doormat. Having boundaries isn’t selfish- it allows everyone involved to grow.

Figure out what being a good friend really means for you- and understand that the best boundaries are flexible boundaries.

which means that you can set a boundary of ‘You cannot call me after 10 pm’ most of the time- and still be there should something come up that you feel it is appropriate to shift that boundary. Like, ‘Usually it isn’t okay to call me super late- but you’ve been through some rough stuff lately, so it is okay if you call me when you need me right now.’ Or ‘I usually wouldn’t handle you snapping at me- but I understand that  x is going on. But I am going to make you aware that it isn’t going to continue. I’m happy to be here for you- but you are not going to use me as an emotional punching bag.’

You’re allowed to put boundaries on how much you can help too, ‘I’ll do what I can. but I can’t be there for you 24/7. It isn’t healthy for either of us for me to literally be your everything.’ and if you’re in that position- with a friend who is struggling, you can offer to help them find other means and other support- whether it be a hotline, a support group, or helping them make new friends… but you need to hold strong to the fact that you aren’t going to be ‘on call’ all the time. That you are a person too, and you have to take care of yourself as well. This does not make you selfish- I promise.

Material Boundaries

Material boundaries have to deal with our things. Such as whether or not you’re cool lending money to friends, or letting them stay at your house.

A big problem with material boundaries is that people often have a check list of ‘I can let so-and-so borrow stuff/stay over’ but they don’t set limits.

There is a big difference between someone spending a few nights on your coach because they’re only in the state that long, or they need a safe place to go too… and someone living in your house without paying rent for a couple of months.

and while there are some circumstances where you may permit that (helping a friend get out of an abusive relationship) there are others that you might not be.

And you are allowed to set those boundaries. It isn’t about how good of a friend you are. You aren’t failing someone when they need you most. You are setting boundaries that allow your relationships to survive.

It is also important to realize that if you have a friend that turns down things you offer- it is a boundary on their part. Sometimes people will try and convince someone to accept a gift or let them buy them dinner- and everyone needs to be aware that it isn’t cool to keep trying if someone is uncomfortable. A reason for this boundary may be ‘I can’t afford to pay you back- and I was taught to never be in debt to someone’ to ‘I am used to things like that coming with a price I can’t pay later on.’ and while on the first- you may be able to talk to them and be like, ‘hey, I’m in a better position financially right now… so let me get you dinner. you can pay me back with the pleasure of your company’  but understand when a no is a no.

Mental Boundaries

Mental Boundaries come in two main forms- our absorption of other people’s ideas, and how much what they say affects us.

Mental boundaries can be telling that friend that is just a little too pushy about their politics, “Hey, I would prefer not to talk about politics at the dinner table.” or “You know what? I don’t have information about either side right now. So I’m going to read up later instead of making an opinion based only off what your can tell me.”

Mental boundaries are what allow us to come in contact with gross individuals and come away less hurt. It doesn’t mean that you’re never allowed to be effected by someone calling you a slur, or someone making comment on your worth- but they’re what allow us to say ‘They might think I’m fat/ugly but 1. their opinion does not matter to me and 2. I have all these reasons I know otherwise/ people that believe otherwise. I shouldn’t let this hurt me.’ Setting a mental boundary doesn’t mean not calling people out who spout cruel things, or that you have to sit around and listen to it though. Play it safe and take care of yourself.

….

The thing about boundaries is that usually, they are found through bumping into them. Most of our boundaries are things we’ll never speak aloud because usually we don’t need to. (Think of it this way- you probably don’t have to tell your friends that it isn’t okay to punch you. Because this is a generally understood boundary.) People don’t sit down when they meet and go ‘Hi- I am so-and-so and never touch me here here and here, and never bring up this and never ask to do so and so’ and it would probably be a little weird if we did that about everything.

But when something is a strong boundary- such as a trigger, it is perfectly okay to bring it up before the boundary is bumped. Just a ‘Hey, I know this might sound weird, and you’d probably never do it- but I have a really bad reaction to people touching me without my permission and I’d rather put that out here now’ 

“i couldn’t help it, i was having a bad episode” is a justification, not an apology.

“i’m so fucking sorry, i fucked up, i don’t deserve to live, i should stop talking to anyone ever, i should die” is a second breakdown and a guilt trip. it is not an apology.

when you apologize, the focus should be on the person you hurt. “i’m sorry. i did something that was hurtful to you. even if i was having a rough time, you didn’t deserve to hear that,” is a better apology. if it was a small thing, you can leave it at that.

if you caused significant distress to the other person, this is a good time to talk about how you can minimize damage in the future. and again, even if it is tempting to say you should self-isolate and/or die, that is not a helpful suggestion. it will result in the person you’re talking to trying to talk you out of doing that, which makes your guilt the focus of the conversation instead of their hurt.