fiction over reality

Sorry

This year has been full of regret. How I've treated myself and others. I want to be filled with love, but I'm too scared of the future.

I'm so lost. I don't want anyone to blame themselves. These thoughts have always been occupying my mind, but I've just been hiding them. They've reawakened with vengeance. My self worth has always been dictated how helpful and caring I am - but all I feel is ugly and inconsequential. I can't even think straight anymore. I've been selfish and manipulative. There's nothing I can say to tell everyone how sorry I am. If next year I'm not here - I want you to know I love you. I just wanted to be a good person.

Goals: Turn negativity into something positive. Believe in myself more. Love myself more. Stop hurting myself. Stop hurting others. Practice mindfulness. Believe in bobby.

So much shit is going through my head. I don't know what to trust anymore. I allow myself to overthink things and yet overationalize - I'm letting my insecurities eat at me. I'm being swallowed up whole with different scenarios and conflicting emotions. This feeling of smallness and inadequacy is destroying me. I can't even see what is real anymore. I want to believe so much and trust in the things I know to be, but the lack of communication between us is building a wall between us. Things that seemed so pure and crystal clear are being dragged through the mud - making them unrecognizable. I feel so much and sometimes I wonder how I even exist. How did I let it get so bad? I can't even face you right now. I'm so scared of you - for you. I just want us to be happy again. I don't want to be a burden anymore. I just hope we're gonna be okay.

My mental health is deteriorating so I'm leaving this blog. I hope everyone is happy and well.

Will attempt to cut out my heart tonight

My friend is treating me to dinner but I'm gonna look like a scrub because I'm going straight after work :(.