superrrr baaaarbs

Just a reminder of that pain is enough to break me down. Luckily, he's always there to catch me before I fall.

When I came home after a 4-day weekend with friends, he made me my favorite thing to eat for dinner: bunless turkey burgers with cheese, green beans, and oven fries ❤️

He annoys the crap out of me sometimes, but he always makes sure I'm comfortable. It's the little things like finding a beach spot next to bathroom facilities, getting me water when we stop at a gas station, asking if I'm ok when I'm too quiet, and asking if I had a fun weekend with him. I think I'll put up with the little annoyances for everything else he does to make me feel happy.

I think another reason I love him is that he reminds me a bit of my dad in a way that he says little jokes to get me to smile... And I would dismiss the jokes like I did with my dad. I regret doing that and I'm being reminded to lighten up and not be so serious.

I miss him when I'm not with him. What's amazing is that I can be okay and live my own life, but at the end of the day I want to be by his side.

I feel so overwhelmed. I make bullet lists, finish them, then remember I forgot to add a hundred things to each bullet. I work an hour but get 5 minutes worth of work. I vent my frustrations but it doesn't even feel helpful. It just makes me feel alone. Alone because I'm the only one in my world screaming and no one is listening. I make so many decisions and I'm so tired of making them. I'm tired of feeling fat. I'm tired of feeling inadequate. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I scream but end up feeling more alone because I'm the only one that can hear me. I'm at the point where feeling positive is out of my reach even to try and fake it. I just need a good day at least once this month.

You separate yourself from people to avoid getting hurt. I understand that. I don't care if avoidance is bad. Id rather not deal with feeling unimportant and forgotten.

I am so excited that he'll be home in 5 days. 4 months is way too long without him here. It's going to be so nice to have him by my side again --hanging out at the beach, going grocery shopping, making dinner, exercising, & sleeping next to him. I'm seriously cuddle-deprived. And I love him so. He does so much for me and always makes sure I'm happy or having fun or doing well. If not, he always finds a way. I miss him here. He can't leave again.

I wake up each morning feeling more lost than the day before. Even when I was working I felt this way. I'm not doing anything that's benefitting anything or anyone. I do daily mundane tasks from day to day thinking this is life, but it all just seems pointless. I'm hoping these thoughts will lead me to understanding where this path should go

I feel like life is making me start my life all over, but I don't know how to begin.

I think this trip showed us that our relationship is pretty close. It's easy to live together. We know each other. He's been saying ily more often than before this past month. I'm not complaining. The hiking was so much fun: him encouraging me across the rope walk and cheering me on..I teared up from happiness. And when he helped me through the rocks and took my hand multiple times: it was so lovely. I had my own eat (London), pray (cathedrals in Italy), and love (Scotland) journey with him. I can't wait to have more adventures with him.

a week short of two months since wes has been gone. i’ve missed him, but wes has made this deployment so easy for me. i’m so thankful. i talk to him every day (5 hour difference still sucks because when i get home from work, it’s time for his bed) and we skype. i get to visit him in 3 weeks and he told me to pick a city for the last weekend to visit together. i’m thinking somewhere in italy...or paris or santorini. but i think italy might win (florence). anyway, i’m just happy that i love being this confident in a relationship and knowing he is there for me. i can’t wait for europe :)

the one thing i’ve learned from my dad’s dementia is to seize every happy moment. do everything that makes me happy. capture every memory i can that will help me feel alive. sometimes his cough or feeding tube beeps remind me when i forget that life is precious.

i don’t think anyone can understand how it feels to have a father live in the next room with dementia. he just lays there because his body forgot how to live..all he can do is breathe and groan from pain. literally only those two things.

i can feel people judging me, so i’ve conditioned myself to just rely on myself. it helps with my confidence that the only opinions that matter to me are mine. at least i can control it. at least i know i don’t have to prove my self-worth and feel everyone’s underestimation of my strength.

I wake up and think the same lie to myself because it's easier to admit that than feeling lost.