Sunshine Online

so as it turns out, adult life fucking sucks. yeah i know, the same bullshit you've heard from everyone ever. i don't expect anyone to read these, the same as nobody read them back when i had a little blog at 13, but it stopped me from killing myself, and since we're there again right now i figured this might be good. cause, yknow, i kinda really don't wanna die.

i have an amazing girlfriend and she does the best she can. i don't want her to know about what the inside of my mind looks like; she can't help but be a chronic worrier.

if you're new to the rules here, everyone has an alias. i'm sunshine (ironic, isn't it?), i guess we'll make my girlfriend radio (long story, but the aliases will all make sense.. to me at least), and i'll add more characters into my very unfortunate true story along the way. if i don't give up on this in five seconds and delete it all, that is.

that's it for an intro anyways, i guess i'll post whenever i feel like so that could be once a year or ten times a day. if i don't disappear.

we'll see.

y'know what, i make the rules here lets do another one even though it hasn't even been an hour. i'll give a quick rundown of my life so far... if i can even remember it - we'll get into that too.

to put it simply, my father is an absolute abusive piece of shit, always has been. my mother is her own individual train wreck, which means together they make for the worst possible pairing you could get.

lucky me.

i won't bore you with every detail, mostly because i've trauma blocked everything out from age 4-10 just about, but let's just say my childhood was filled with sadness, anger and envy. we were broke, i was weird (likely autistic, but i'm still undiagnosed because i'm a woman) and i felt like everyone hated me.

i had a shitty time at school with friends yada yada yada, they'd always pull the same shit where i thought we were all having fun and one day everyone decided they hated my guts and ditched me. i ran through at least 6 different friend groups and no matter how hard i tried to figure out what was so wrong with me, it seems everyone is hell-bent on hating me regardless of what i do.

and yes, it is me who's the problem if i'm the common denominator... i guess i'm just not smart enough to figure out WHY i'm such a problem for everyone.

and lets not even start with my younger sisters, blonde (15) and buttercup (17) though i can assure you they will show up in these rants some day soon. they hate my guts; again, reason is unbeknown-st to me. and apparently people don't enjoy being asked why they hate me, i get hit with a "you should just know" and that's what i'm expected to go off of.

long story short, buttercup hates me so much she got me kicked out at 17 the second i graduated (i'm talking "I'LL KMS IF SHE DOESN'T LEAVE") and my mum just let it happen. she lets buttercup get away with EVERYTHING... like i mean everything ever. for example on this very day i'm writing this, my mother has been running laps trying to say that it wasn't my sister's fault she crashed and totalled her car into the back of somebody today in a car park because she wasn't paying attention.

no, i'm the one in trouble because i dared asked if my little sister is okay.

back to the main event, i end up living with my "best friend", we'll call her glasses and her family. everything is so great, i have a newfound family and though things are a little hard with brat, her spoilt little sister (hey, i never said the aliases would be kind), things aren't nearly as bad as they were at my mothers. so i thought. fast forward to october last year, i find out that not only has everyone been bitching behind my back the whole time about how much they hate living with me and about how much of a burden i am (they offered to take me in by the way, i didn't ask...), but glasses has also been participating. the. whole. time.

we literally shared a bed for 9 months. we did everything together just about. we were inseparable and i was just starting to think maybe i was healing from my "best friend" trauma. universe said hahahah fuck you on that one, didn't it.

now, the issue isn't that i pissed everyone off. i know i piss everyone off, they make that abundantly clear no matter how hard i try. my issue with every single fucking person is why the fuck won't you tell me to my face. how am i expected to become a better person if i'm evidently lost on what's wrong and yet nobody has the fucking guts to tell me to my face.

too bad if i should "just know", i don't. i don't know. and i'm at my fucking wits end, because if i'm really that unlikeable and that much of a lost cause that nobody wants to even bother explaining to me, why the fuck am i still here.

anyways, my heart was so broken i knew i couldn't bear to live there anymore and that's not even the full story, but as it's already 1:30am i don't know how much more i have the energy for.

i couldn't be homeless and my mother didn't want to take me back (despite her faux concern) so i grit my teeth and called up my father who i hadn't seen since i was 14 at that point, and begged him to take me.

and that's where i've been... for almost an entire year now.

but more on that later.

it's raining and my back is starting to seriously ache from being upright (as it does), so i think this is the perfect opportunity to continue my doomscrolling into the early hours of the morning, while i cry and wait for radio to hopefully wake up soon and maybe slightly cheer me up.

what a beautiful, uplifting, inspirational, optimistic title! said nobody.

anyways, you heard it here first - everything sucks and i feel completely lost and alone. i have my girlfriend radio, but that's literally it. and she lives in canada.

spoiler alert, i do NOT live in canada. i live about as far away from canada as one could possibly be.

we met back in march of this year when she was visiting a friend and i swear she turned my whole fucking world upside down. that is my soulmate. we didn't see each other for 6 months and it was the hardest 6 months of my life. she visited me for a while again recently and i felt a small part of me come alive for just a second. but unfortunately with the way life goes, it didn't last because now she's gone back home and i'm stuck not knowing how long i'll have to wait until i see her again.

all this to say, that's only one factor of many right now that have led me to the deepest depression i think i've ever been overcome with - and this is coming from someone who tried to end it all five times during the span of ages 12-15. it's going to take me a while to really get you (and by you, i mean the void since that's what i'm talking into) caught up to date with the shit that's going down in my life.

i seriously don't even know where to start.

i started writing in a diary initially tonight, because i miss the feeling of angry, hurried cursive writing on a trusty spiral notebook, but since i am now disabled (yes, we'll get to that one eventually), it already looked like a hobby i'd quickly give up after a few sentences. so as much as i dread the thought of my very real thoughts, feelings and experiences someday feeding into an AI database that will take away my already non-existent career... typing it is i guess.

as a retired wattpad writer, i admit it does feel nice to type freely again.

as a very feeble attempt at a beginning to this story, i guess i'll just regurgitate what i already scrawled about 20 minutes ago:

apart from radio, i have nobody. and look, i know she should count for something considering she's the healthiest, loveliest, safest partner i've ever had but the truth is, i'm just fucking sad. i'm sad and lonely and stressed and scared and i just feel like everyone has this underlying secret resentment toward me and no matter how hard i try i can't seem to exist as the right thing ever. at least this is safe in the sense my mother can't pry into this and my father doesn't give a shit and radio is on the other side of the world.

unless whoever stumbles upon this happens to be my ex-best friend from grade 9, nobody will know who sunshine online is.. ever.

honestly, i just feel invisible, alone and utterly despised by everyone who knows me. hell, i despise everyone i know at this point.

i've had to resort to this because everyone else is perfectly fine for me to be their therapist, but genuinely nobody gives a fuck when i'm having a bad day.

i wonder who'd even bother showing up to my funeral; wonder whether i'd scoff at whatever bullshit comes out of their mouth. how many "should have"'s will come from people who only say it to make themselves feel better.

this is long, i'll leave it for now. i'm not going to proofread these posts, they need to be raw so i feel like i've expelled something inside me.