Dearest Lil~Red~Witch

Dearest Lil Rrd Witch,

I think... I dunno. I think a major contributor for why everything is going so much worse is because I have problems consenting. I just agree regardless of what I want or need or think or feel. I dismiss myself outright. I don't deserve to be in control of my life. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I wasn't me.

Dearest Lil Red Witch,

Apparently I don't have light in my eyes anymore. Tbh it feels about right. I deserve to rot from the inside.

... Maybe I am just angry all the time. Just a raging antisocial asshole nobody wants to be around. I didn't think I was but if that's how everyone sees me v_v

Dearest Lil Red Witch,

I think I'll just stop talking. My thoughts and opinions don't matter. It's always just another opportunity to tear me down. It's ok. Never liked the sound of my voice anyway.

Dearest Lil Red Witch,

I broke down at work. Screamed and then wept for a bit. It just hurts. Everything just hurts. So much. It's probably for the best that you're not here to see me like this.

Well that's the thing. I don't want to argue. With you or anybody else. I don't want to be angry or upset or antagonistic. I don't want to feel negativity towards you. I don't want to attack you over a random disagreement. I don't want to upset you or make you feel unheard or belittled. I don't want to.

I'm also trying to grasp onto positive feelings and emotions. Because they are so muted for me that I sometimes forget I ever felt them at all. But every single time you start an argument with me you take personal jabs that make my depression spiral. Every single time. You're actually really really good at targetting my weak points. I don't want to engage with that. Like that.

And why would I? So that you can get some sense of satisfaction? If you just want a win, take it and go. It doesn't matter if I put up resistance or not.

Dearest Lil Red Witch,

Do you also think I should have all of my insecurities thrown back at me every possible chance? Do you also think I deserve to be miserable?

Dearest Lil Red Witch,

Kwi kwi said one of the nicest things to me the other day. Been in a good mood ever since

"I’ve always seen you as an older sibling I felt very safe with you 🥹"

I guess I did do one thing right back then. Some of the others told me I was overprotective of Kwi kwi, but honestly that friendship meant more than the world to me. Much like ours... I wish I could have that with you again. I wish I wasn't so bad at this.

Dearest Lil Red Witch,

Thinking about you before I fall asleep Please haunt my dreams

Dearest Lil Red Witch,

Would you have mask off hated my guts too? Taken every chance to tear me down? Shame me for my likes and interests? Isolate me from my friends? Belittle my choices and opinions? Stab me with every insecurity of mine you come across? Make me feel like I deserve it all too?

Maybe I should have kms back when i had the impulses to do it.

Dearest Lil Red Witch,

Today hurt a lot. Maybe it's what I deserve. Probably.

Dearest Lil Red Witch,

=) I love you

I love you >////>

I... I love you v.v

Dearest Lil Red Witch,

Take my hand. Feel that? The gentle warmth accompanied by a slight tremble in my hand. Still feel that? I haven't let go.

Dearest Lil Red Witch,

I just don't believe I am loved. I was gonna vent about what just happened but... like at the end of the day it boils down to me fundamentally not accepting the words spoken. Even just the possibility of a person having love for me is just unfathomable. I don't think that'll change either. I probably won't let it.

So why then... did it hurt?

Dearest Lil Red Witch,

I am a bit surprised that I'm still deathly afraid people who know me may also hate me as much as I hate myself. Just the idea of those fears bring proven right has me running the other direction. I know my depression heavily skews my perception of my own life, but I want to give myself room to accept positivity as well. I want to believe people care.

Dearest Lil Red Witch,

I think I want to try to live again. Wish me luck

Dearest Lil Red Witch,

Being sick while depressed suuuucks. It feels like the broken pieces of me that I carefully kept together with scotch tape just fell apart. Tape and all. And everyone is just looking at me like I forgot how to be a person. I can't even defend against it because I'm also watching me fumble every responsibility and wondering wtf happened there.

It'll be fine. Probably. I know I can ride out this low. Just wish I was more stable. Would be nice to actually get my life on track for once.