Sunset Parked Cars

Volvo, 240 DL

A few nights ago while on the G train I was sitting next an off duty line cook that passed out on the train. As the train pulled into the 4th and 9th Ave stop for the R train transfer, his brown bagged tallboy tipped over spilling beer throughout the subway. The growing trail of beer on the ground ended up starting a conversation between me and another guy. Walking to the southbound R Train we began to talk about Sunset Park. Us both having lived there can proudly say that we have some weird sense of pride in our neighborhood that outsiders might not understand.   The same sense of pride is shared among Volvo 240 drivers. There is a high chance that the people who now own these cars probably didn’t want this car as their first choice. Part of life though is learning how to not only accept what you are given or what you can get, but to actually love it. From that way of thinking, the cult of love around the Volvo 240 has only grown over time. 

I know more Volvo 240s that have a name than any other car. Naming your car is really just a way a empathizing with it. You call it by its name as if to wish it luck when it is ill at the mechanic’s garage or driving you and a friend across the country. What can be said for this car is that it is very safe and inexpensive. For that reason you are likely to see this car in the driveway of a family that has a teenager that just got his or her license. These cars have some of the lowest fatality rates for drivers and passengers for most cars ever sold. It is a true sign of love to gift your child a Volvo 240, it is like a long, safe, boxy hug around your offspring to let them drive this car.   

BMW 325xi, e46

There was a time well over a decade ago when I was shopping for glasses with my dad. After we both got our respective pairs of glasses we walked out into the parking lot of the store to see that my dad was clearly blocked in by a BMW 3-Series. First, he tried to open the door in some flailing form of frustration. Then he just started shaking the car. Eventually a young fellow in a trucker hat saw my dad shaking his car and called him some expletives. After physically threatening my father and coming to realization that my father in 6 feet tall and has shoulders that are so broad he has to buy blazers at the big and tall store, the man backed away and got in his car. He knew what was good for him. As my dad started the car he turned to me and muttered: “You know the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The pricks are on the outside.” That was my first experience with a BMW 3-Series.

The problem with BMWs and especially the 3-Series, is that the drivers of these things are known to drive and behave poorly. The stereotypes go: old people drive Buicks, jerks drive BMWs. Unfortunately the e46 is a great car. It has timeless looks that make it a modern classic. It fits in well with the new cars even today. If you want a fun, semi-affordable, German car: this is a great car for you. While this is not the bonkers M3 which is known to be very expensive and unnecessary, a car like the 325xi is sort of affordable as well as still fun to drive. This car had the reputation though of being the choice car for the worst of the worst BMW drivers due to its affordability for a BMW, aspiration jerks seemed to enjoy this car.

The truth right now is that a lot of used e46s have been hitting the used car market in recent years because their original owners have moved on to something a little newer in order to keep up appearances. For that reason, a lot of people that always wanted this car have now been given the opportunity to buy one. People who care little about flaunting their car and just want one of the most fun to drive cars out there finally can have an e46 in their possession. 

Hummer H2

You try to put the past behind you. You move on, you get better, you grow. That is the way most people work apart from that one person in your life that lies a lot and “flakes” on you. You grow and see people around you change mostly for the better. Then maybe you go back to the hometown you grew up in and have a stark reminder of who you once were and you just feel shame. It is probably at the hometown bar when all the “cool” kids are home and they recall all the shortcomings and posturing you once did. You come to realize that you are your mistakes and your triumphs. The Hummer H2 is like that for all of America reminding us of all of our old youthful inadequacies. It is the reminder America has that it once bragged about keeping a condom in its wallet and having a “girlfriend in Canada”.

Apart from another car on this thing, I have never said a car is beyond redemption up till now. The Hummer H2 is beyond redemption. There is not a single good quality about this car.

Here is a little bit of history: the H2 was made to resemble the original Humvee whose claim to fame was leading people into war during Desert Storm and having a failed engine block that proved hazardous in combat. A lot of the military people even hated the original Hummer.

This car, which is the equivalent of a toy gun, helped in-your-face neo-cons play war on the way to Bass Pro Shop where they park poorly. Bad, this car is bad. What this car is can be easily described as a badge engineered Chevy Tahoe. That means that they took a normal Chevrolet SUV, took off all the round body panels on it, and gave it a tough guy look as to say that it is actually very capable off road which it is not compared to its competition despite the skid plate. The interior was also made to look like the inside of an original Humvee as well which looked goofy in retrospect. The problem with this car is that is was trying to be something it was not and the message it conveyed was that of insecure masculinity.

This car was the perfect mascot for GM in the 2000′s, it was tone deaf. GM had a huge issue with making cars that normal people wanted in the early 2000′s. Their sedans were behind all of their competitors ans so they relied heavily on making trucks. The only thing they did was thrash around and release terrible vehicles until they cleaned up their act after the bailout.

In the early 2000′s we were fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq. Every night on the news we would usually see Humvee with stone faced soldiers in it. Seeing the H2 driving around suburbia was a sad reminder that we really bought the war home with us in our overly macho culture that really liked using oil.  

Toyota Supra, Mark II MA67, 1984

It took weeks to finally get some good shots of this car. Under the grey winter morning skies this dark blue beauty was always very close to other cars or obstructed by some pillar under the overpass. It was only when I took a walk with a co-worker to Bush Terminal Piers Park did I spot this Supra with nothing in the way and the best light.

There is something very special about the Supra. It is an actual sports car from Japan rather than just some fun to drive economy car. What this car helps represent is a long lost era of cheap and lightweight sports cars that were not meant for guys going through their midlife crisis like a Corvette or some Jaguar. They were meant for younger people instead. What that means is there was a whole generation of youths in the 80′s that had many options for buying cars without having to care about comfortable seating all their friends. It helped breed a car culture that simply liked sports cars and didn’t have them as status symbols. Someone had a sports car, that was it.

Not to sound ageist or piss off the tumblrati here but isn't it better to have a sports car when you are young? You still have your body and your years to enjoy it. You might even look better too. The idea of getting what you want now rather than working for it when you are too old to take advantage of the thing almost captures the ideas that the 80′s were founded on. 

So where to begin on this car? Maybe lets talk about the boxy lines that were ever so futuristic in a time before I was ever born... the 80′s. You can see a lot of these lines in more expensive cars but also in the cinematic futurism of the time. When looking at films like Blade Runner, there were no smooth curves anywhere. There were all straight lines that intersected at some point. Our cars from the 90’s embraced round curves rather than straight lines and the cinematic futurism did as well, just look at look at The Fifth Element and Demolition Man.

When showing this car to a friend she simply said “I love this car, this car has the headlights that go ‘Sshhhummp”.” That is true, there is something everyone misses about pop-up headlights. Apart from the headlights this car has an awesome 5-speed manual transmission which is required for this car to be cool. There is no reason on earth any 80’s sports car, let alone a Toyota Supra should not have a manual. This car is about fun and involving the driver. The mighty inline 6 that is mated the the 5-speed helped solidify the reputation of the Supra which would only be take to astronomical levels of tuner absurdity with the future generations.

Pontiac GTO, First Generation

The sun is shining, I woke up on time, my shoes are new,it is getting warm out, and I just saw a vintage Pontiac GTO. I live for moments like these. This is why I write. Among the hum of heavy diesels driving down the street and tuned Honda Civics with their mufflers chopped off to make as much noise as possible, there is actually a large beacon of hope from the proper noise pollution side of things. I would love to be woken up at 6:45 am by one of these rather than that one entry-level BMW on my block that always blasts the same four songs.

Ornette Coleman named his jazz album “The Shape of Jazz to Come” and The Refused named their punk album “The Shape of Punk to Come”, their albums were clear statements saying “this is how things will be now when you make this.” Jazz changed and avant-jazz became a new field within the genre. Punk changed in that the limits of what was “punk” was stretched even further. This car was “The Shape of Cars to Come”.

The GTO was technically not the first muscle car, but it was the most influential muscle car, there would be many more muscle cars after it, but this was the one that people looked to when making a muscle car. It shaped and defined what a muscle car was in the 1960′s. Just how Ornette Coleman started doing jazz improvisation without a piano in the band, or how the Refused borrowed elements of electronic music and free jazz while still employing punk sensibilities, the GTO was the standard setter when it came to having a midsize sedan with a high output engine dropped in it.

The story of the GTO is rather simple. It started at GM where there was a decree from the higher ups that now one from the manufacturer was to be involved in making cars for the strict purpose of auto racing. Since the Pontiac brand was marketed on cars that were for performance and auto racing they had to change their aim and product line to still attract customers. That is when they shifted their focus to street performance rather than just track performance. This meant dropping a big V8 into a midsize, front engined, rear wheel drive car. It was a fast car that was actually livable for its time rather than a cramped two seat sports coupe. It should be noted that while this car is fast in a straight line, this car is not very good in corners. Corners were always the Achilles heal of the muscle car.

The GTO aka Gran Turismo Omologato that sits here on this Sunset Park street is nothing short of wonderful. There are nicks and damages in the stunning blue paint job but that can be fixed. The body does not have any rust on it, and it is dent free. When looking through the window I see the long lever 4-speed manual transmission. The grows out of the floor like some tree that is providing joy for all that surround it. This car was spotted near a garage so my best guess is that it is going through some restoration.

Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme 442, Fourth Generation

Walking down the old industrial corridors of Brooklyn is not ideal for most people. No one wants to see the needles and broken bottles on the ground over the beeping of trucks going in reverse. Maybe you can post a pic on Instagram about it but in reality this is not a place that you want to set up a lawn chair and put on sandals. This is where the Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme 422 feels at home. There is something gruff and dark about this car. This is an anti-hero car. We look at gritty noir films and think of older cars that drive off into the distance on cold windy nights while an old newspaper page flies into the view of the camera. In reality, this is the car the lifts up that one old page of the New York Times for the camera lens.

The old GM “G-body” cars as they were called were the last of a dying breed of cars that obeyed the old muscle car formula. They were big, mean, boxy, rear wheel drive, and kind of fast. Late muscle cars like this one have big lumbering inefficient engines and dull colors. They blend in very well but if you actually take the time to notice them you can clearly see that they out of place in this modern world. It is like when the Romans encountered the Huns. While the Romans were relatively soft like our modern cars, the Huns were said to be war hardened and rough around the edges. The historian Dan Carlin compared the integration of the Huns in Europe to something like the Hell’s Angels riding through your white fence suburban neighborhood. That is this car, this car has the spirit of a far flung Hun in it. Like the a Hun, this car comes from a culture that is so very different from ours, the 80’s.  

Many an Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme will remain unkempt and driven into the ground overtime. At the same time you will definitely find a GM G-Body car in the background of a rap music video where the rappers go back to their old neighborhood and pose with their tough friends. It is in a video like that where you will usually spot a freshly polished black one on rims with some very tough looking guys in front of it. All the good rappers seem to have some lyrics addressing an old GM sedan like this. You should always look tough in front of a Cutlass Supreme or Chevy Bucket.  

The 422 was the performance package was the Cutlass Supreme. This car has a 4 speed automatic which was known for being unresponsive and slow, a 5.0 liter V8, and an upgraded set of suspension that was a little more stiff than what was offered on the regular Cutlass Supreme. It should be noted though that these types of cars from this era felt big. They did not by any means drive like sports cars either. They were never meant to feel like a sports car though.  

When talking to a close friend and Brooklyn native about this car, he said this was one of the official cars of old-school Brooklyn along with the IROC-Z Camero. In the 80’s it was not uncommon to see one of these cars cruising around the neighborhood with a transparent Verrazano Bridge decal on the back. It offers an authenticity to the surroundings that makes you realize that people before you actually lived here and you are not the first person here despite what current Brooklyn culture thinks.

The part of me that wants to be tougher would love to own a car like this because for me, this car is much more intimidating and masculine than any oversized Escalade. The Escalade is also not on my good list to begin with.

Toyota Camry SE, 6th Generation

There was a book called “The End of Detroit” by Micheline Maynard that came out around the early 2000′s. In it, the author examined the fading popularity of the American auto industry at the time and what Americans drove in the very early 21st century. We can call that time 2004. One of the chapters that summarized to modern American family and what they drove was aptly titled “Hot Dogs, Pie, and Camry”. The Toyota Camry has peppered all the suburban driveways in the United States. It has everything going for it as well: mild styling, affordability, reliability, decent fuel economy, and tons of space. I have met people that own two of these cars because they like them so much.

Everything about the Camry has been tailored for mass market consumption. Whether it is the soft but not too soft steering or the run of the mill Toyota V6 that puts out ample horsepower but not enough to smoke the two front wheels driving the thing. If you ever see a manual transmission on the thing you should pat yourself on the back for finding the unicorn manual Camry. My grandma has this exact model of car. Actually she has actually had two of these sixth generation Camrys or Camri, or Camries. One got destroyed during Hurricane Irene so the current one is a replacement. I myself am usually the one to drive this car on road trips with her. I have also been the guy to drink two beers at the bar and have to drive home the guy who’s parents own this car who seemingly had a lot more than me to drink that night. Anything after two strong beers means that you are best off waiting it out for a bit. Trust me.

With that being said, it has always been a mystery to me why I see some of these cars with “racer mods” and sporty add on body panels. It is just bizarre for so many reasons. The Camry in its very essence is a family car and it is not know as anything close to a sports car, let alone sports sedan. Yet it is almost common to see a later generation Camry to have blacked out rear tail lights and rims. It is if to suggest the car that was made to drive kids to oboe lessons and has a double life of street racing with leather gloves and mesh tank tops. The fake sport badges don’t help the case of this car either in that there is no Camry sport package by this name (there is only the SE) and just making up the idea that this car is fast and nimble which it really isn’t the best of ideas. The people who pay attention to sport badges are car people so placing extra badges on the car doesn’t really impress anyone that cares.

When writing these pieces I always try to share some of my work with my friends and family to see what they think. i was writing about this Camry when I was told by a close friend to not be unrelentingly mean. I asked why and they told me that it is not who I am and that I am not only better than that, but to even do that would be something that I myself would hate. The truth is that just simply insulting something does no good and taking cheap blows again and again is even worse. Being snarky about something would be even more gross. Being snarky on the internet is like shooting fish in a barrel and if were were to put our culture in a time capsule would you want all the snarky stuff there? No.

It is almost for that reason that I kind of like this car now. It is almost a weird form of spite that comes from inside myself because I could be bad and take blows on it but I should hold back from that way of thinking because it is no good for me or anyone around me. Let this car be a reminder to myself and you that all it is better to just be sincere than say “hey look how dumb this is.” It is better to disparage something from an angle of creation and genuine pure feelings rather than come at it from a purely negative standpoint that dresses up as sincerity yet you still see it stammer and tick.

Ford Mustang 5.0, Third Generation

As a child I hated mustard. Mustard was the grossest of the condiments apart from mayo. To even be near the stuff grossed me out. It took all the way up to the year after I graduated college to finally embrace the yellow and brown sauce. Eventually, I learned that liking mustard was a way of expanding my horizon and embracing new flavors. The same can be said for the way I feel about the 80′s Fox Body Mustang.

It took a considerable amount of time for me to warm up to this rear wheel drive boxy maiden. They can really represent the way Ford was thinking in the 80′s when designing cars that were not giant boxes old people drove to the Country Buffet. These cars helped end the sunny, beach side, open road fantasy of the 60′s and 70′s. The optimistic wide mouth grill and happy headlights were replaced with simple boxy lines and headlights that looked like they were from any other car. This car is a time capsule of the 80′s.

I used to write off the Fox Body Mustang as a car that was full of compromise that represented an end to the salad days of the Mustang. Any resemblance to the flashy original styling and aesthetics that helped make this cars so iconic went away. At first glance you could say that this was the young stud getting older and realizing that he can’t wear his jean jacket and bell bottoms forever. Maybe this is a car that is growing up and adapting to its surroundings instead of wearing a girdle and combing over the bald spot.

This car was a modernist reboot that was made as a reflection of the outside world. The idea of the Mustang is that it is a car that is simply quick and cheap. If a car made by America were to reflect those ideas in the 80’s it would be this. It is a car that was welcomed under the clouded 80′s sky that no longer had the unbounded optimism of the 60′s and 70′s. Maybe that is the reason these cars actually look really good when they have a few dings in them. The car in front of us is a prime specimen of a strong swift car that has no cares to give. The dents and paint chippings are a form of character that provide an aura of modern used grittiness with simple speed.

The problem with some Mustangs in general (apart from the new ones with the beloved Ecoboost engines) is that many of them have been down paired into very boring cars that could be sat next to an entry level Mitsubishi Eclipse in a high school parking lot. Yes It looks sporty, but really it is not. Instead of having a stick shift and a V8 some buyers opine for a more basic, fuel efficient, and easy to drive models with a smaller engines and automatic transmissions. What this can do especially on the 80′s and 90′s Mustangs is take all of the fun out of the car. I have driven a couple different Mustangs over the years and the worst ones to drive are the basic vehicles with a smaller 4 and 6 cylinder engine and automatic transmissions. You are very likely to see these as part of rental car fleets or as a first car of a teenager. The two manual Mustang GTs that I drove in the past the other hand were both very fun and fast.  

This car in front of us does not have an issue with being a boring Mustang. Under the hood lies the Windsor 4.9 liter V8 along with a 5 speed manual transmission. It is really what a Mustang from that era is supposed to be if you want get the most out of it. Many of these cars can be found for cheap now and are ripe for making modifications. If you want a cheap weekend racer this is a great car to start with.

Though we have fantasies of winding open roads and surfboards hanging out of convertible tops this is really what reality can provide. Not every day will be sunny and not all of us have the free time to surf. This car helps remind us that while nothing is perfect, compromise can be reached. When looking at this car it is probably best to draw parallels to this vehicle and that of the Millennium Falcon of Star Wars in that it is introducing a rough and tumble reality into what used to be highly polished fantasy. Not everything is perfect and polished but maybe it is better that way and we can have this car storming down our dirty unkempt roads.

Volkswagen Beetle, First Generation

When you look up the word utilitarian in the dictionary this is what would probably appear in a picture under it. This is the utilitarian car. The original name for it was “The People’s Car” and that “People’s Car” name eventually became the brand we know today which is Volkswagen which means “People’s Car” in German. This car has origins in Nazi Germany but we can give it a pass on that because as Americans we have simply gotten over the whole Nazi thing and learned to embrace German engineers and their achievements from that era. Anyone who disapproves of that should look into who got us to the moon. Operation Paperclip: look it up.

One should know that it was actually Adolf Hitler himself that asked Ferdinand Porsche (of Porsche fame) to build a “car for the people” that was easy to maintain, reliable, cheap, and everyone could use. What Hitler asked Porsche for was a basic car that could transport two adults and three children while going 62 miles per hour while getting an average of 32 miles per gallon. He went to the drawing board and this is what he came up with.  

We as Americans have tended to not understand that throughout history we held grudges against our fallen enemies and even the products of our enemies despite their benefits to the winner. We rebuild ourselves with the old bricks of fallen empires and their car is proof of that. My father told me that my WWII vet grandfather would have been rather annoyed if my dad had bought a Volkswagen. The thing is that it is that the car is not a war criminal. It proves that the people on the other side of the lines had similar needs to us and created something to help suit those needs.

The car is an inanimate object that does not represent death or destruction, rather it represents affordable simplistic mobility. America quickly got over the car’s past and embraced it. Ask anyone who was alive in the 60’s and 70’s and they can probably name more than ten people who they knew that owned a Beetle. They sold 570,000 of them in the US during 1970 alone. The Beetle is one of the bestselling cars worldwide and it was in production for 65 years with the last one rolling off the production line in Mexico in 2003. People could not stop buying these cars.  

There is no other way to put it, this car is old. It is not in the best of shape either. While some have the time, money, interest, and or effort to keep their Beetles in good shape some people let the creeping hands of time ravage their vehicle. For all I know this car could be in the middle of a restoration and just needs the exterior to be taken care of. It could even be a daily driver for all I know. If it runs well then fine! Many cars in this city don’t travel very far. One thing's for certain, this car is very small. Compared to the giant American sedans that came out during the same time period it is a dwarf in comparison and it still is a dwarf to modern cars. It has a rear engine so one can say that the trunks sits where the engine usually is and the engine sits where they trunk would usually be, call it quirky yet practical. It also has a manual so it is alright in my book.

Chevrolet, Chevyvan, 3rd Generation 

Vans used to not just be about kids and plumbing. Vans meant something else. They meant freedom. There was a van culture in 1970s America that embraced the freewheeling culture of the 60s with the modern dao of the 70s which understood its limits. What most of us would give to just drop everything, ditch societal pressures, and head on the open road in these times. One could own one of these vans and travel around the country looking for adventure while living on the cheap in the 1970s.

Now in a world of costly health insurance and three thousand dollar a month apartments about thirty blocks up from here, this van stands in front of us as a constant reminder that there is such a thing as freedom out there. No it's not the annoying sort of freedom where people get up in your face and carry guns on their hips. No this is the real freedom. The freedom to rome and maybe enjoy your years. To have memories of big mountains and sunsets rather than than look up at a clock at your job and counting the hours until you are “free” to go home and watch Netflix.

This van is a great and late example of the way people treated their vans in the 70s. It has all these awesome skull decals and sits on giant rims. Whenever I pass it a call it “Van de la Murte”. I imagine that the driver of this car is unbelievably cool and possibly from another world. The idea that the grim reaper drives this van to pick up souls is not beyond my imagination and is quite possible.

The age of this car does not show because the owner not only takes care of this car but actually added additions to it. This the only time I have passed this car and the rims were not freshly shined. The ladder leading up to the roof is unbelievably shiny and not one bit bent out of shape. It even has that awesome circular window in the rear which is just really cool. The car is virtually free of dings. It has a subtle waxing that will not blind you when the sun is directly overhead. It would be dumb to call this car a tribute to the old 70s vans because this van was probably among them judging by its age and model year.

This particular model of van was around from 1971 to 1996 and unlike a lot of models GM didn’t update for years and years this one was ok. It served its purpose. Why constantly change something that doesn’t need to be fixed? The engines on these cars were made to last forever and the amount of tech needed for these vehicles to satisfy the needs of the customers was almost nil. What people needed was a good reliable van and this was it.

Ford, F250, 8th Generation

There is that old phrase people say: “they just don’t make them like they used to”. You hear it used in everything from how movies are made to the way guitar amplifiers are built. Probably one of the best examples of this phrase applying something would be that of the pickup truck. The old pickup trucks that Americans drove were not about image or luxury like they are now. They were simply salt of the earth vehicles that got the job done.

It is safe to say that country music and pickup trucks go hand in hand with how they changed. The pickups of the olden days were hard working machines that reflected the people that used them. You would not see them sparkling clean nor jacked up real high as if the owner was compensating for something. They would not take up too much space in your Target parking lot either. The same could be said about country music. There was this bare bones salt of the earth feel to it that reflected the American frontier and work ethic. Sometimes you just a had a guitar player stomping his feet and singing to make the whole song. It was these bare minimalist elements that both trucks and country music had in common. You had two seats, a bed, and a towing hitch. The idea was more work could be done with less. Less was more. You did not have to be delicate or clean.

The 1990's saw a huge change in country music. The old timers and outlaw country players sort of disappeared. Gone were the rough whiskey cigarette voices that emoted into the microphone, gone were the rough guitars and stomping boots. Soon people started hearing polished vocals over bubble gum twang backing tracks. There were no more lyrics about losing your love or trying to kick the bottle. Instead there were lyrics about how much fun everyone had in their youth drinking lite beers by a lake and line dancing.

The same can be said about pickup trucks. 1994 rolled around and the new Dodge Ram changed everything. Pickup trucks started growing big bulking proportions that that suggested a large imposing attempt at a masculine rugged presence. Rather than a cloth bench seat in the front like this car there was a giant leather throne suited for growing American rears that sat in the office rather than worked on the farm or in construction. Navigation systems and in car entertainment packages followed. Delicate luxury started to replace usefulness and simplicity. Is there any point of hopping into a luxurious leather interior when your boots are covered with mud and your hands are dirty with motor oil?

It is not uncommon to see a Ford F250 from this generation still running today with 200k miles on it. They stand up to the demands of the job and rarely give in except for the odd oil leak here and there. No they don’t give off a luxury feeling but they were never meant to. There is something romantic about the idea of a car like this living out its days on a farm or construction site working hard. The drivers of these things don’t have freshly polished cowboy boots and belt buckles. You will see dirty boots and sweaty shirts on the people that hop out of these things because there is no need to look polished up like Texan used car salesmen when you work with one of these.

Nissan Altima, L30

It is time I talked about a white whale. There is that old English story that we all know where Captain Ahab seeks out the white whale that has tormented him over the years only to have it drag him to his death. I am not talking about that white whale. I am talking about the white whale from an episode of Seinfeld where there is a car that a meter maid is obsessed with and called it his "white whale". The car has gotten away with years worth of parking violations without paying them or getting caught. The car in the episode consumed the meter maid and this car consumed me. My white whale was this car.

This car is no ordinary Altima. The Altima is very ordinary to begin with. What this driver did to their Altima is not very ordinary. Label it abnormal if you will. Eventually I would pass by this car everyday and think about it a little more with one giant question lurking through the dark forest of my morning coffee addled thoughts. I asked “Why?” Why the spoiler wing on the back? Why the stickers? Why the add on fake-chrome? Interviewing the owner of the vehicle would answer all these questions. Even getting a glimpse of the person walking to the car would provide more than enough information than I ever needed.

I decided to write a note to the owner of the car and leave it on their windshield. There they could see that I write a blog and want to interview them about their car. They could even see an email address to contact me. At different times of the I checked my email to see if he or she or it responded. I received no emails. The white whale still piqued my curiosity and like Ahab or the meter maid on Seinfeld, I was growing a little mad.  

The day after I left the note the car was not in its usual spot. Instead it was parked on a side street as if the owner got spooked or bothered by my letter. On the way home from work I decided to leave another one but this did not work. I lifted up the windshield wiper and then I had my moment. In the darkness a loud male shriek told me to not touch his car. Then and there I knew that I could have asked him more questions, kept touching his car, or left it alone. Rather than being dragged into the abyss by a whale I would have just gotten in a fight with a guy who is clearly tough enough to put a sticker that says “NO FEAR” on his automobile. He had no fear. I took my hands off his car and left hurriedly in order to avoid confrontation

This is not the bridge for me to die on. Rather than meet my watery abyss though what would be a fist fight with a guy that listens to Limp Bizkit at the gym it is better to back off and see another day. For me this was a lesson that I should push my boundaries but not go too deep into a place where it is hard to come back from.

Volvo, v70 XC Second Generation 

Volvo wagons are cool. They are very cool. They are tougher than anything out there and all the girls I ever had crushes on somehow drove the one that their parents lent them. Yes, Volvos are hot. There is a deep place in my heart for the Volvo station wagon. It was one of the first cars I was ever driven in. They are huge and roomy but not goofy like SUVs or Minivans. These cars will always crawl around the suburbs no matter what trendy monstrosity the soccer moms start buying in droves. The giant bile green Ford Explorers from the early 2000s came and went but the Volvo station wagons are still here. Volvos are here to stay. 

The usefulness of a Volvo family station wagon has no bounds or expiration date. The interiors are actually quite luxurious with big leather seats and more headroom than you know what to do with. There is even the added bonus of optional rear seats that can be set up in the trunk. This car can carry a lot of kids in it. There are fond memories each and every one of us has of riding in the way back seat and seeing all the cars behind us. It is where I started growing a fondness for cars as a youth.

This car seems to be poorly parked and there is a sign on it reminding the driver of their mistake. You can read it in a very angry Brooklyn accent from someone that now has been through what seems like 20 months of winter. Unlike many of the other cars in the neighborhood this one seems to be in excellent shape and reflects years of love and care.

The Swedes are good at doing the whole luxury without showing off thing. The huge rear space is perfect from storing anything from your stuff when you move to college or even band equipment. If you own drums but don’t want a rusty van, a Volvo station wagon is for you. If you can't seek out a Volvo, seek out a Subaru. I have bought a lot of band merch and records from many a Volvo station wagon.

Aside from the awful parking job, my small hope is that this car is driven by the type of lady you want to take home to mother. She probably took this car to college and now uses it drive around the city. Maybe she looks cute wearing scarves and has bright eyes that look back at you when you tell a corny joke. Her cello or upright bass can fit in the rear with enough space left over for laundry to bring home to her parent’s house the weekends. Just like the car, a lot of people don’t see the appeal in her but the people that do like her see that charm she has and like it a lot. Fickle and weak like a minivan or Ford Explorer she is not. She is in for the long haul and is a keeper.

Mercedes Benz, CLA250 4matic

I am really trying to be positive here and not bring out “bad vibes” but sometimes I have to be angry. Without the “bad vibes” I could not have the “good vibes”. That is why I have decided it is time to talk about this and every Mercedes Benz CLA.

This specific car in my neighborhood is seen constantly blocking people’s driveways and double parked under the overpass. It has a new driver sticker on it because this driver’s awful parents spoiled them with this car.

Mercedes Benz needed a lower cost car for the entry level luxury segment and this is what they came up with. Car and Driver calls it “Bud Lite” and Consumer Reports calls it a “really nice Civic”. Basically what they are saying is that this car is a boring car that is made for people that are not very excited about driving. They just want a car with a Mercedes emblem on the grill.

There are plenty of cars out there for this price that are better in every single way but this one has the Mercedes badge on it. What this does is attract awful shallow buyers who purchase this car in droves. This car was meant for the entry level guy in finance that whips this thing around street corners where children play. In essence, this car makes children cry. I am not sure if turn signals are installed in these cars either because I have never seen people use them.

You know that awful sales person at the mall that is snooty about selling you a suit for a wedding yet still lives with their parents? He or she thinks you are an unsophisticated oaf despite the fact that they work next to a Sbarro and roll their eyes at larger words they don’t understand. Yeah they drive this car. This is their trophy because they have lousy goals and value image over integrity. That image over integrity idea reflects throughout the whole car.

The car has front wheel drive instead of rear wheel drive which is an affront to Mercedes handling. This one has 4matic all wheel drive but it doesn't help handling that much and only really helps the car in winter settings. It has an automatic dual clutch gearbox with no option for a manual because the buyers of these things lack the coordination and heart to pilot a car with a manual. It also makes texting while driving easier. Only jerks text and drive. Please don’t text and drive.

There is no redemption in this car or the buyer. The buyers of these things had a choice to buy something better with their money and they didn’t. They could have gotten an Audi A3, BMW 2 or 3 Series, or even an Acura. All those cars perform better than this car.

What is worrisome about this car is it helps represent the idea of image over substance. This is a lousy car with a popular emblem on it that sets the bar lower for what Mercedes can do because they know people will buy it. If people embrace image over substance, what follows? Something that has even less substance while hoisting up the image as a reminder that you should fall in line rather than demand better. Watering down substance continually erodes away at a strong creative foundation and sets the bar lower for what is good. People that hold image over everything else ruins culture by perpetuating shallowness.

Rolls Royce, Silver Shadow

Is there anything more beautiful than not being able to obtain the thing you want but being able to obtain it later? Yes, time passes by. Yes, values have diminished. But in the end you get what you wanted. It is not a person you liked so it is not like they got ugly or anything. That is good goal. Personally the car that fits with this whole idea for me would a DeLorean DMC-12. I have my reasons. It would be safe to say that the owner of this car wanted this car or a Rolls Royce for a while before he got one.

There is a subculture of guys that are not millionaires who buy used Rolls Royces. A lot of luxury cars depreciate in value especially after heavy use and the Silver Shadow is a perfect example of this. If one were to look online they could see that these types of cars can sell for about the $20,000 which is also the price that many economy cars now sell for. In 1967 these cars sold for around $19,700 which is around $140,000 in 2015 money. This car as of now easily obtainable but requires a lot of work to keep it running. Parts can also get very expensive because of low production numbers and high quality materials.  

This car was built by hand in England and was meant to be the pinnacle of luxury. This was a car that made a Cadillac (which were highly regarded cars at the time) look like a base model Camry. It has hand carved wood inlays in the interior as well as the largest back seat ever. If you were in the back seat of this car 40 years ago you were a person who had a lot of money. Most people that owned these cars had a chauffeur drive them because it was not fun to drive these cars. This car was not made for the driver but for the person in the back seat.

This driver probably bought the car used and was able to keep it running. The exterior shows some signs of age such as rusting, a broken taillight, and a dulled two tone paint job that has clearly seen better days. Right now the estimate to have a restorative paint job on the vehicle can cost around $15,000. Everything required to maintain this car will probably costs you as much as buying another car.

Saab 900, First Generation

Saab was a brand that deserved better. GM really messed that one up.

Saabs were cars for thinking people that liked to drive but didn’t feel the need to show off. In my youth, I had a job of loading up dirt and plants into cars at a nursery. I always remembered the people that drove Saabs as the type to wear thick frame glasses and had storage tubes in the back seat, as if to suggest they were an engineer or architect. This was a far cry from the obnoxious people that pulled up in entry level Mercedes Benzes to buy flowers to bring to their dates at whatever the hell fancy Italian restaurant seemed to have to most divorced people at it. More than anything I remember people who owned Saabs tipped. Yes you should tip the guy who loads your car.

Saab drivers are said to be artful and smart. Their cars reflect that. They are not status symbols, people who own Saabs are happy driving their fun cars and don’t have to brag to people about their car. The likelihood of one of these cars storming down your block way too fast like a Bimmer driven by a guy in a midlife crisis is highly unlikely. No one ever said to anyone that their Saab was double parked in the handicapped spot. You will not find many Saabs with rims and a useless tall spoilers like that of Mitsubishi Eclipse or Toyota Celica. You will not find a finance bro driving one of these anywhere. Bros don't drive the car Jerry Seinfeld tried to buy on his show. 

People care for their Saabs. Their cars are daily drivers but are also fun to drive which is hard line to follow for most cars. There are people that can buy a Porsche but the trunk size of those cars is said to hold “a bag of golf clubs” which is the automotive journalist way of giving the car a pass on everyday practicality. You cannot really take the Porsche on a bumpy road year after year unless you want to pay big bucks… and you will. The Saab can take the punishment and be sporty while still being reliable. The proof of this is the many older Saabs still marching around after the brand was bought by GM.

The 900 is the pinnacle of what Saab was, a reliable sporty car. This 900 that is in front of us was the pinnacle of Saabdom. This car is old but it was meant to last forever. These cars were built by the Sweeds who are known for making long lasting vehicles. You can see a lot of old Volvo station wagons still fetching the groceries after all these years. The Sweeds don’t mess around. If you peer into this vehicle you see tan leather seats and manual transmission. Yes, manual transmissions are fun and if you own a car with a manual a lot of times it means you like a car that is fun to drive and not just for show. It is a commitment. 

The building this car was spotted near is called Industry City which is know to house a lot of new start ups in the fashion, tech, and culinary world. This is where you start a business in Brooklyn if you are creating things in 2015. This is not a place where finance bros move numbers around on Excel sheets like Mid-Town or the Financial District. Half those people live in Murray Hill and the Meatpacking District anyway. Nor is this where silly ironic dreams go to die in a white burn fueled parent’s money. This is a place for dreamers with a real plan and the gall to back it up.

Chevrolet Cavalier, Third Generation 

Where to begin? Part of the theme of this page is redemption through appreciation. I am trying to find redemption for some of these cars that have served their owners well and or are an expression of their owner. I try to say that some of these cars are a testament to rock solid engineering. To say something is beyond redemption is a very harsh statement to make. I wish to find the good qualities in this car but it is hard to. The only thing I can think of is wishing this driver had better circumstances where they did not have to drive a Chevy Cavalier. Maybe this the driver’s stepping stone car that leads to something better but if this is the last car they drive I just wish I could sit them down and tell them that there is still someone out there that has empathy for them.

The original Cavalier was built to compete against the Japanese economy cars of the 1980’s. It was a subpar entry into the class. Everything else out there was better in almost every single way. Rather than address the issue General Motors just let these cars sit around and rot like lousy local chain restaurant leftovers in a dorm room fridge. I am not sure anyone bought this car other than to spite the Japanese by “buyin’ American”. All this did was further the attitude GM had at the time about economy cars which really hurt them in the long run because they got arrogant and lazy. This attitude helped them fall even further behind the competition. Really the “buy American” crowd cut off its own nose to spite its face because it took years for General Motors to actually make an economy car that was worth buying years after a legitimate demand for them spiked.

The inside of the car looks sad and drab. It can be said that the favorite color of the designers was grey. Yes the car is meant to be very cheap but there were cars that were still a better value in every single way. The front seat looks about as comfortable as the back seat of a Mitsubishi Eclipse. That means the front is very uncomfortable everyone!

The 1995 to 2005 Cavalier had a ten year career in the Chevy lineup. That is very long time for any car. Six years is usually the normal amount of time a model will stay on the market before it is replaced. This model was a continuing time capsule from the carefree 90's. It saw us have some of the best years in the whole country and went straight into 9/11 and the Iraq war. When the going got tough, this car did not get any tougher. Instead it became a historic artifact from a lost civilization that checked their email once a day and had cheap gas.

Maybe the reason I hate this car so much is that I am projecting my own sense of fear, sadness, and failure on it. There is the idea that the most weak, flawed, and disgusting parts of ourselves can be summed into one internal archetype known as our “shadow”. Carl Jung talks about it; Psychology 101. We naturally tend to hate our shadow because we believe it is what holds us back or we can even become it at our worst moments. Making it go away is not an easy task and pushing it to the side will do it no better, it will still rear its ugly head, haunting you with sadness and doubt. This is the car my shadow would drive.