<- back to masterlist

CHAPTER SIX: wait im bored, delete my number rn

It was uncomfortable being at fault.

For Yn, it was beyond being uncomfortable.

Not embarrassed per se for her multiple lapses; she had already owned up to each and every one of them during many sleepless moments playing over in her head about how badly she botched the betting pool she organized and the numerous other mistakes she made in front of others until every little aspect of the "Oops" moment became smooth from repeat experience; that part wasn't difficult.

What was truly difficult for Yn was not the acknowledgement of her failure, but the ability to accept that she had made that mistake as a matter of fact. Accepting that she had caused pain and suffering to someone she cared about. Accepting that in order to get her life back to normal, she had no alternative than to live through this with each subsequent day that passed. Each day, she faced the same realization; however, even if she did apologized to the other person in an articulate or flowery way, the damage had already been done. Unable to use any type of guilt; time could not be rewind. All guilt did was weigh heavily on her heart and follow her for the rest of her life.

The guilt had been a constant presence in her life for over two weeks now. It had accompanied her to classes, had sat next to her during lunchtime, and had stayed around her mind during every moment she was alone. She had gone over the conversation that she and Colt had had at the most inappropriate times: when she was brushing her teeth, when she was waiting for her coffee, when she was staring blankly at presentation slides she should have been paying attention to. Each time she would leave the memory with the same feelings of shame, frustration and no closer to figuring out how to fix the problem. Because that was the real problem right? Since Yn had always approached conflicts with the belief that it was possible to resolve them if you worked hard enough, she assumed that most misunderstandings could be worked through, most hurt feelings could be healed, and most friendships could recover from errors made. Each time Yn tried to reach out to Colt to build their friendship again, she only seemed to create more distance.

But what really bothered Yn in this situation was the silence.

The silence was what bothered her most.

Yelling would be better for her; yelling makes for a connection. An argument would be better; an argument means he still cares enough to express it through her. In contrast, he has retreated into an area she cannot begin to relate to. His responses have become brief and conversations have ended before they ever began. As soon as she comes to him, he suddenly has to be somewhere else. No one else would see these behaviours as they are so subtle but she sees them. She knows them because she knows Colt well enough after years of being around him. Once you learn someone's patterns, then their patterns of absence can never be avoided.

Which was exactly why she found herself standing outside his classroom on a Thursday afternoon instead of heading home.

As she stepped out into the broad expanse of the corridor illuminated by warm sunlight streaming through large windows that ran along one side of the hallway, she could see golden shadows on the shiny wooden floor made by the students who had already walked through. The sounds of many voices echoed off of the walls in varying degrees of clarity; there were fragments of conversations, bursts of laughter, and the occasional noise made by chairs sliding across the floor of the classrooms; a faint smell of paper and dust and multiple cups of spilled coffee from earlier due to the students. This was the sort of day or type of corridor she would call a regular day or corridor. And it was a so-called ordinary corridor or so-called ordinary day, yet Yn felt extremely uncomfortable as she stood there with her backpack hanging from one shoulder, looking at the closed door at least every other second while trying to pretend she wasn’t.

After a while, she realized why the situation felt so strange.

She was doing exactly what Colt used to do.

The realization arrived so suddenly it almost made her laugh.

How many times had she left a classroom to find him waiting outside? So many that it was no longer strange to her. His presence was just a part of the environment. She could remember many afternoons that she had walked out of the classroom after class and had seen him standing against the wall nearby, use his phone as he waited for her class to finish. Sometimes he would greet her with a funny joke, sometimes launch right into whatever crazy story he had been waiting to tell her, or simply walk alongside her, as if it were completely normal. She had taken all of those encounters for granted. Now that she looked back, she realized that she had never appreciated the fact that they happened over and over again. Colt had always been there for her in little ways, and it wasn't until they were gone that she began to realise how much he put into being there for her.

The thought left a bitter taste in her mouth.

She shifted her weight and checked the time on her phone again. Five minutes until the class ended. Five minutes that somehow felt significantly longer than five minutes had any right to feel. Her lock screen reflected her own expression back at her for a brief moment before fading dark once more. She looked anxious. More anxious than she cared to admit. The sight irritated her slightly.

This was ridiculous.

She was not waiting outside a classroom like a nervous teenager.

Except she absolutely was.

The embarrassing part was that she wasn't entirely sure what she planned to say once Colt appeared. She'd spent the walk over rehearsing possible conversations, only for every version to fall apart halfway through. Sorry felt insufficient. I've been trying felt selfish. I miss you felt far too vulnerable. Every sentence she considered seemed wrong somehow, either because it centered her feelings instead of his or because it failed to capture the complicated knot of regret she'd been carrying around for days. Eventually she'd given up on scripting the interaction altogether and settled for showing up. Surely that counted for something.

The classroom door opened before she could lose her nerve.

Students spilled into the hallway in groups, their conversations immediately blending into the surrounding noise. Yn's attention snapped toward the doorway so quickly it made her feel foolish. One by one, unfamiliar faces emerged from the room. A few glanced at her before continuing on their way. Others remained engrossed in their own conversations. The flow of students continued for nearly a minute, and with each passing second her pulse seemed to climb higher.

When she finally spotted him in the sea of students, Yn felt like throwing up. Fuck, maybe she might throw up. Her nose scrunched as she clenched her hands into fists at her sides. Shit. Maybe she shouldn't have come after all. Maybe Jody was right and she should just let him be until he was ready to talk. Maybe she was stupid for thinking she could fix things right away—

As though sensing her gaze, Colt looked up.

Oh man, she missed him. She hadn't realized how much she'd missed him until that moment. Missed seeing him. Missed talking to him. Missed the easy familiarity that had once existed between them. She really missed her best friend.

Something inside her immediately sank because she saw the moment he recognized her; saw the brief flicker of surprise cross his features and saw it disappear just as quickly.

Damn.

Yn huffed out a breath, hyped herself up in her mind, and forced a smile as she approached Colt who stood awkwardly at the side.

"Hey."

Colt's eyes darted everywhere but towards her.

"Hey."

Yn's eyes gravitated towards his hands. His fingers were fidgeting with his phone while he deliberately avoided looking at her. His response was polite but it was the sort of politeness you'd usually reserve for strangers. Yn hated it immediately.

"You got a minute?"

She knew he had a minute. She knew that Colt always made sure that he was free after his Thursday afternoon classes. She knew that he would say no. And Colt knew that she knew too.

"Not really."

There it was. Like he'd already decided his answer before she even asked. Yn nodded, pursuing her lips as she tried to laugh it off. It didn't hurt. It didn't hurt at all. She was trying, goddamnit. So hard. She was standing there, making an effort, and he wouldn't even look at her.

"Okay," she said, dragging the word out. "Then thirty seconds?"

"Yn."

She chose to ignore the warning in his tone. She'd already come this far.

"I'm just trying to—" "Talk to me?" he cut off, his heel bouncing off the floor. "I know. And we've already talk. Can I go now? I have something to do."

Yn stood as Colt brushed past her without another word. She just doesn't understand anything anymore. With a heavy sigh, Yn turned her heel and left the hallway long after he'd gone. The worst part of this whole situation was realizing that, for the first time since she'd met him, she couldn't fix it.

prev | next

taglist: @ladyelena112 @hgurums @cherrybeomm @pure-sstarlight @firefly--bright @qardasngan @frostbitetrap-blog @sp1egels @fungus130 @ottocre @verco @ursa-tan @m3lodyxo @pear13scnt @z0mbi3-k1tty @sillyquzes @sunnlyfe @holycastoroli @piercedathena @strangegirl26sff @planetsunniva @eaterof-concrete @jimonabim

taglist open, reply to be added.

ryland grace - he is all for bending over for a smooch, or popping up on his toes for that matter. simple. basic mayhaps. but it is the easiest solution after much trial and error. gotta go through the scientific method after all.

officer k - honest to god his favorite solution for a height different is a good ole chair sit. make it your problem lol shorter than him? just nestle yourself between his spread legs while he sits in a chair and voila. problem solved. taller than him? YOU sit in a chair. now he's between your legs. perfect.

sierra six - if you're shorter than him he will just pick you up to give you a kiss. taller than him though, he's beckoning you down to his level with a little smirk and two fingers saying "come here"

holland march - also just a classic bend over kind of man. mostly because if he does anything else he's too clumsy to do it properly.

sebastian wilder - this man will push you up against a wall, lift you up until you're at his level for a smooch. would blush like mad if you did it to him if you're taller, but god is he secretly into it.

can't take these two anywhere

base under the cut snip snip

you’re SO close to getting it. replace heroes with any marginalised community and villains with cishet white men and you literally have the problem that everyone is complaining about.

More studies of Dr. Ryland Grace from Project Hail Mary, ft Rocky, aka the two bestest of friends ever from the best movie and also book ever oh my god