LifeThruMyEyes

So, it's the 4th of July and I don't think I've ever understood why in the fuck anyone loves fireworks... I think I just realized why I've only seen any fireworks a handful of times in my life... they are too loud and hurt my ears.... they're pretty but that's about it. I mean it's an experience I guess and everyone should experience it at some point.... it's like the circus either they gone love it or they gone hate it. Do you like fireworks?

For someone to say they love you but always say you get on they nerves or you irritate them is crazy and confusing... like do you really want a gf cause I can do without the headache. I guess I should bring my stuff back home. Idk why I thought this relationship was gonna be different. I honestly am starting to think I'm not suppose to be in a relationship at all. As bad as I would love to get married again and have a family, a man that actually loves or even care for me. I fall fast and hard and ppl don't really be who they portray or they say stuff and do things to pick at a person so they can have an argument and I'm not going to give into that. I don't like to argue

So no matter who I get with I'm just gone get talked to crazy.. I don't get it I don't even be doing shit. I be chilling... I get asked a question and get talked to crazy because my answer isn't liked... I don't get it... but ik how to just not say shit and let ppl talk cause I don't have the energy to argue or fight with someone I love about shit that don't matter... I just want someone to actually learn me and actually love everything about me even when I'm being stubborn or I simply just missed heard or misunderstood something... I'm so easy to talk to and just want peaceful moments... life has been kicking my ass for so long 😪 😩... I just want whatever I'm suppose to have and be happy, I mean everybody deserves that, right? I be thinking that maybe I'm just destined to be the person that comes along help those that need me and then I'm discarded when I'm no longer needed. I wonder how long before he throws me away too. I have been asking for my happily ever after, my person, the one who wants to grow old with me... I just don't want to keep crying cause my feeling hurt. I really thinks he thinks I'm stupid sometimes with some of the things.

I feel like I'm just the girl people want to sleep with, but no one really wants me as their woman. I feel so stupid. I let people suck me into their games and BS. I guess I'm just naive and gullible and too trusting. I want someone who actually wants to get to know me and what I like, ask me what I want it surprise me by listening to things I say and making things happen. I want to be dated, loved, missed, cared for, thought of, needed, wanted and treated like I'm important. I have had so many relationships and the only one that gave me this things was very toxic and unhealthy. I was verbally abused and spoken to so mean sometimes. I just want someone to spend time with. I'm so sad and lonely. I think I was born in the wrong lifetime.

I don’t really celebrate too many holidays anymore since my family has become estranged. It’s Memorial Day weekend and I was supposed to work on Sunday night from 6-12 but my girlfriend said we were going to Milwaukee to see her friends and go to a Jersey party. So I politely forgot I had to work so I could meet her friends. I had a lot of feelings on this trip. Her friends were nice and all but I’m unsure when I will come back here with her I don’t know if they really liked me. I had fun although the weather was shitty the whole time. I was a lil disappointed with the Jersey party only because it was a house party… I thought it was at a venue or some big Memorial Day party… I love my Jersey but we definitely could’ve paid a bill or got away for a second and enjoyed each other with what was spent in the jerseys… I’m all for alone time. Her friend made me feel like I shouldn’t have a ring on my finger with the way she reacted when somebody said something about my being her wife then said well not yet and she made is seem like out engagement ain’t official because she ain’t tell her but she has told her a few times on the phone so I found that crazy and really hurtful………

I don’t know why I continue to try, continue to care and it seems like it will never be enough. I don’t get how I get lied to and stood up but I’m suppose to be cool… I literally went without eating because I was told I was going on a dinner date and then 2 hours before the restaurant closed I see my Supposed to be fiancé is more than 2 hours away from me and there’s no way she was making it back here to take me anywhere and she knew that but never once called me to tell me she wasn’t taking me on the date I was told to just be pretty for. I hate to think she has a bitch in Kalamazoo but, it is what it is. And I think that because she is always accusing me of doing stuff but I literally changed my phone number and stopped talking to sticky platonic friends because she clearly is insecure but she still hasn’t changed her number tho and all her disrespectful ass female “friends” that talk shit about me. Her siblings are just as bad, they don’t like me and that’s fine… IDGAFF! I hate dealing with people especially when I’m always the one on the short end of the receiving stick. I hate I love her and she tries to make it seem like I did something when it be her the whole time. I’m just stupid ATP!!

I don’t know why my life can’t just be smooth. No matter how much I don’t do anything to anyone I still get treated like crap or a do nothing… I’m so tired of life…. I actually took 8 muscle relaxers one day last weekend but I took them 4 at a time about an hour or so apart from each other… I should’ve just took the whole bottle at once then I wouldn’t have to worry about feeling like a failure most days…. People have no idea how hard it is for me daily. I love my girlfriend but I think she wants me dead sometimes because is some of the things she says to me. She even threatens to kill me… atp she can just do it already… I really don’t think anyone would miss me or even noticed if I disappeared anyway. Life sucks!!!!

Kemberley Alicia Ingram was born November 30, 1983 to Robert and Velma Ingram. She was the youngest girl of 7 children. At the age of 12 Kemberley accepted christ and was baptized. She graduated from Edwin Denby High School in 2001. After high school Kem went on to many different educational institutions. She obtained a certificate of completion from Dorsey Schools in Patient Care Technician program.... to be continued

When I say I never seen things going the way they are going and it’s completely ridiculous and I’m washing my hands off family… thinking back to when I was growing up I finally realize I’ve only been being tolerated, and put up with because I’m there sibling… I’m ok with not having the added stress from knowing no one that should give a fuck about me doesn’t really give a fuck about because I love everyone but I love me more so deuces ✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼 I’m so tired of being the loving, supportive, caring, understanding person that doesn’t get it in return… I’m done putting others in front of me and what I need to thrive… I wish I would’ve figured this out long ago maybe my heart wouldn’t be so broken💔💔 now my heart is 🖤🖤

I want to block myself off from everyone, but I don’t know if I can go without physical human contact. I need physical touch, hugs kisses, caresses. I need to feel another persons skin on mine, intimacy is what I need but I can’t get it from where I need it from.

Some of my thoughts scare the fuck out of me. I don’t know why I can’t shut my brain off. I wish I could stop thinking sometimes but for some reason I can’t I guess I’m just an Overthinker.

Today is not a great day. I haven’t had a good day in a long time. I don’t feel loved I don’t feel wanted I feel like I’m invisible. Today is my cousin’s wedding and I don’t have a date and I really wanna go but I don’t have someone that loves me that much to even want to go to a wedding with me let alone Have a wedding with me and that is a sad part of my life. The one man that has been trying to love me for half of my life, I won’t even give him a shot, but the other man that has known me for a little more than half of my life Knows that I love him and I would walk through any and everything for him but he won’t do that for me. He won’t even commit to me so I don’t know why I keep hurting myself. I really am exhausted in every way that a person can be mentally emotionally physically, I just need some peace, some relief and no matter what I can’t seem to find that.