jillian!

must be love on the brain that's got me feeling this way...

- no outdoor shoes inside. Ilya tried to play it cool for long enough, but he is over 30 now, he has no patience for mess anymore and his mama was right. Ilya gets Shane some expensive personalised adidas slippers & he is the guy who provides guest slippers

- no whistling inside. never. especially if it's hayden. he won't be the reason Ilya will lose another sports bet.

- if one of them leaves the house they don't go back inside home if they forgot something. he is very serious about thst one. once shane went back inside because he forgot to pack his gloves and they lost a game afterwards and Ilya insists this was just because Shane refused to get new gloves from the equipment department (and it was not at all because a little barren spell)

- No empty bottles on the table and that applies to protein shake bottles too, Shane! That's bad luck.

- Only odd numbers of flowers in a bouquet. Ilya panics as he realises Shane bought twenty tulips for Yuna for mother's day and makes Shane pull over so he can pick five wild flowers and add them to the bouquet.

not because he's a baby a la classic man cold

but because he will AGGRESSIVELY try to pretend he is not sick

he is trying to gaslight others but ALSO himself

he has a gold medal immune system thank you he did NOT get taken down by ill pikeling spreading Elementary School Plague to him

not happening

as an itty bitty he lied so he wouldn't have to skip hockey, and that has NOT changed as an adult

his true toxic trait is that he WILL be typhoid mary in that locker room if it means he doesn't have to stay home and miss playing

like. no one else on the team understands Hollander Illness Behavior yet, so they're teasing ilya about being overprotective because shane is SO underplaying it and meanwhile ilya is just, "no, i am so fucking serious. get a medic and then call an ambulance."

and shane who is barely on this realm of existence and about 0.2 seconds from having Involuntary Floor Time is just, "don't worry :) i'll just take an advil or something :)"

@nirby-wirby

the idea that ilya was trying to be loving and let shane come to his own conclusions that he was sick and give in to being cared for because they're still early in their marriage and he thinks that's still possible

only for The Appendixing to happen and shane in the aftermath losing his faking it privileges as a result because APPARENTLY his shifty ass will just "no thank you" his own body THROUGH A FUCKING! MEDICAL EMERGENCY!!

@dragoonthegreat

CACKLING

i also feel like part of the problem is that he IS so good. yeah his fever is 102 and he can't really see straight and gravity is applying to him unevenly, but he is still making goals. would that goal have happened if he was at home?? GUESS WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO KNOW.

the idea of the team thinking they can rat him out to ilya (at home on temporary injury reserve) being SO darkly funny to ilya. he WISHES he had the authority to just make shane admit he's sick and rest. you would think someone obsessed with their health in every other way would take illness seriously enough to rest when he needs to.

He'll do this on purpose because "okay, I guess having more than the necessary amount of confirmation is weird, so I'll keep the rest in the bathroom and only leave 1 or 2 in the nightstand." And he's thinking he absolutely nailed this Sexual Interaction™

Meanwhile Ilya is going to be mentally CRASHING THE FUCK OUT that there are only two sad little condoms left in the drawer.

sources: l.e.s. by donald glover // this year by the mountain goats // maya hornbacher, madness // watchisjawdrop on tumblr // wuntrum on tumblr // kim kardashian // unknown // godblessryankent on tiktok // nayyirah waheed // unknown // lev st. valentine