Moonlight's sunlight

Hi, Angie. It's August 4 now. Everything you prayed for has been answered.

I prayed to the Lord that I would only take Maui back if he truly changed and regretted his actions. And he did. I saw how broken he was, how deeply he was hurting from what happened. He cried so much. I told him to pray for me, that the Lord would soften my heart enough to accept him again. And he did—he prayed in tongues, he prayed for me, he prayed for us. I prayed for him too. I forgave him. We hugged.

I prayed to the Lord that Maui would talk to my dad. He did. He apologized, said he would never do it again, promised he would change. My dad also spoke to him, offering words of wisdom.

Everything I prayed for came true. I claim in my heart that Maui has been delivered from this spirit of greed and that he will be better towards me. And even if things won’t work out right now, I know we will meet again someday. Because I remember: God answered me once before when I prayed for a boyfriend—that my first boyfriend would also be my last, and that he would be my spouse.

In the entire Bible, only one person ever asked the Lord for a sign about their spouse. That night, I asked too. And He answered me.

I sought the Lord. He heard.

Looked back on my previous posts on here about him. We seemed so happy and in love. I wonder where it all went wrong.

A quick recap of what happened in the last 5 years: A pandemic happened in 2020. Feels like it was all a fever dream looking back. A lot of people were dying and all I can remember is the death anxiety it gave me. Every night, my mind would fool me into thinking I would die soon. But every night, he also never failed to calm me down and comfort me. He always said "wag kang mag alala mahal. matagal pa tayo mabubuhay. di ka pa mamamatay. andito ako sa tabi mo" even though he wasn't physically by my side, he calmed down.

Our love grew even more. I supported him in his studies and his hobbies; he supported me and encouraged me in everything I did. We kept building our future together. We continued to make plans and hoped for the best every day. We also had a lot of fights, but he never once broke up with me. He may not be the best at making up after fights with me, but he never accepted my "break up" proposals.

He was my best friend. My secret keeper. My encourager. He took care of me when I was sick. He fetched me every day from work and we had a lot of dinner dates. I know there were days when he adored me. I know because I've seen how he looks at me. He looked at me with so much love. But now, I don't know any more.

He got invested in cryptocurrency. Most of our fights where about him stopping putting money in this cypto scam. When we didn't fight about money, we fought about my jealousy, my overthinking mind. I would accuse him of being in love with his exes or someone from school. If we didn't fight about those 2 things, we'd fight about him staying up until 4 am doing God knows what. Just last year, we fought about him spending so much time in the middle of the night playing roblox. One dawn, I discovered someone messaged him about him asking for a girl's snapchat and instagram. When we did fought, he would not talk to me for days. And that hurt. So much.

I know that if God didn't give me His word that he would be my spouse, I know I would've broken up with him long time ago.

But now, I'm having second thoughts. I feel like he doesn't love me anymore and that he wouldn't change his ways for me. I feel that he loves money and games and other things more than me. In my mind, I gave him a deadline. If he doesn't change until August 4, I'm leaving him for good.

I still believe what God told me about him was true. That he was my spouse. But if this is the love I will be receiving for the rest of my life, maybe I heard wrong. I will accept the fact that I forced that night when the Lord spoke to me that he would be my spouse. Deep down, I know he is. But I also crave for love. I crave for the care of a man. I crave for respect. I crave for a man who wouldn't let me sleep at night knowing we had a fight and I have a heavy heart. I want a man who can marry me and give me a happy family.

I remember this one time we were sitting by the shore and we were talking about our future and how his papa would get him and his brother to work in the states. He says he’d only work there if he’s with me. Then we called mama. He told mama how I was crying at the thought of him leaving me. “Wag ka mag alala gie, kasama ka na sa plano namin. Kasama ka na. Wag ka mag alala.” Those were one of my favorite nights. 

Aaaahhhh. There’s this person that even when I just think of him, he makes me smile. The thing is, it’s not awkward with him. The other guys that I like, make me question myself on why I even like them. I guess I’m too shallow and like them because they’re gorgeous. But this person, wow. He’s everything I could hope for in a guy. Although, I’m not hoping we’d be together. He’s almost 30 but I think I’d aim for someone like him in the future.

Aaaahhh. Kuya Maki, you’re the best. Thank you for always making me smile. You deserve the best poetry but I ain’t talented.

This is a reminder that you struggled. You tried, but your mind won’t stop the chattering. You had your worst week. Mix that with your depression and anxiety.

Everything is much more fun and exciting now. I don't care much about having high grades. I've realized and internalized that there really is more to life than acads. I'm growing in faith, started leading souls to The King, starting to become more participative in church activities, spending less time with myself, spending more time loving other people, volunteering, letting people in, learning how to be expressive and just stopped living mostly for myself.

I am alive not for myself but for Him. I want to glorify Him and by loving others through sharing and volunteering and helping and being kinder to people than I've been before. The feeling is amazing. Even though I have less time for myself now and I have less time for sleeping, I don't feel that tired. This just shows how 2 Samuels 22:33 applies to my life.

Back then, something bad happens after consecutive days/weeks of happiness. Sometimes, I get scared. But tonight, not so much. The blessings are running over. I know that God doesn't allow bad things to happen to His people. Plus, I've surrendered my life and I know everything will fall into it's place. Honestly, it feels like I ain't exerting any effort. God is doing all the work for me. Everything is perfect. He makes my way perfect. Life is beautiful and it's more beautiful in Heaven and I can't wait to get there.