ordinary

"Gentle opinion. I think there is likely two stories to be told here. 1.) toxicity can come from overbearing and insecure partners who suspect the worst for no reason. 2.) a partner can be a shitty enough partner to not instill the confidence in you, that you deserve. It’s sometimes one of these things. It’s often both. Yall need to talk with a professional, and if that doesn’t sound worth it. The relationship isn’t worth it either."

until the past few years, i was the toxic partner that was overbearing, insecure, and expected the worst.

i was raised to be untrusting, to expect the worst. i was also shown at a young age that my thoughts and opinions did not correlate with those who were raising me- deeming my thoughts and opinions irrelevant, in turn, causing me to feel alone and unheard. therefore, i unknowingly put myself in relationships where i was afraid of my thoughts and opinions.

granted, i have seen the other side- where the partner did not instill that confidence in me. & i also recognize there have been times where i did not do the same to them.

as i've grown, i've discovered these patterns in myself and taken the time to learn myself and how to become a better individual. to not let my past guide me as it used to.

im still untrusting. i still run at any opportunity to get closer to someone. i dont know how to fix it, but i can recognize it and hold it and know that these things dont make me the individual that i am or am becoming.