lady

i just agreed to stay in his house for four days and watch the puppies while his mother visits him in NY. how did this happen? i love his mom. more than myself, apparently. i need to get high or something. fuck me. dammit.

when i close my eyes.. i am everywhere and it only hurts when i awake.. this new day was meant for destruction. i think i might fall apart at the seams but then i hear him in the breeze and he tells me i will be ok... he tells me i am beautiful and he loves me so thank god.. thank you god... i wonder sometimes why it hurts so bad and then i remember. and its exactly that. a stinging reminder that i am alive... one more day of life ive endured and another has been scheduled for tomorrow. maybe then my wounds will scab over and the love that resides inside of me will dissipate... a love that was once so strong, and so beautiful... a love that will teach me more with everyday that passes until i have finally learned my lesson... and once ive endured my labyrinth, this march that has taken too long, i will be saved from this pain and only light will guide me.. i have to believe that beautiful things are possible because i have seen it. i have to let go of the idea that im not good enough for beautiful things. god, why does it hurt so bad.. why cant you heal me now... but i know, i know.. i must be patient. i feel something on the rise, something big..