Summer Soldier

I don’t even know how to begin this. I can’t get into my laura account (hollis-in-horrorland) so I am praying that by tagging this with the old usernames it reaches the right people.

This is overall just an apology. I’ve hurt so many people for no reason other than wanting to belong somewhere and to someone.

For a long time I was unmedicated, or diagnosed improperly and this isn’t an excuse but a realization of just how poorly i treated so many people. 

I’m really hoping I’m not overstepping boundaries or hurting anyone by trying to reach out and find you to give you this apology and if I am I’m so fucking sorry. I owe apologies though and I’m just really hoping it reaches the right people, I’m hoping more than anything else in this world it reaches two or three people specifically.

Steph (theuselesscarmilla), I’ve reached out before through someone else and while that apology was sincere I don’t think I’d actually understood the damage I did. And the worst part is I didn’t even mean half of what I said when I said it, it just felt so good to have someone so close when I felt so horrifyingly alone and I took advantage of that on the deepest level and it’s disgusting. I want nothing more than to take it all fucking back and I know I can’t and that’s not even what hurts the most. What kills me is knowing how much I hurt you, how I refused to see your side at the time because I was broken. I’m sick to my stomach thinking about it every single fucking time and I wish so bad that I got to say how sorry I was before it was too late. It was the worst thing I think I could have done to anyone. You were my best friend, and I hate that I sacrificed that just so that I could temporarily not feel so alone. I don’t know WHY you’ve been on my mind the last three days, I can only assume it’s due to me obsessively watching WandaVision remembering she was your favorite. But overall I hope you’re happy, I hope that life’s been better to you, I hope this finds you only if it won’t hurt you. You were everything I needed but I was never truly there for you. I was an awful friend to you. I’m sorry. Sarah (girlthehellup), our friendship was absolutely destroyed at my own inability to think for myself. I had this person that freshly entered my life tell me how to interpret the things you said, how you spoke to me. And literally for no other reason than my own inability to trust my gut. I had a habit of being most comfortable when people told me what to think and do, and I fell right back into that trap for someone who didn’t have good intentions for me whatsoever. I miss our friendship so much because it was the first friendship where I felt I was doing everything right for once, and then I let that asshole’s voice get into my head about every single thing. And I don’t mean for that to come off as me blaming her, I was the one that chose to listen despite knowing you better. I shouldn’t have done that, and if you see this I truly hope that you’re doing okay, that you have your own pet goat, and that you’ve left that shitty town by now.

Sam (elvirxarchive), You gave me the tough love that I absolutely needed and didn’t want to hear. Just like with Sarah I let someone else get in my head. You were going through hell and I just...I didn’t even try to consider that whenever we talked. I didn’t even try to understand or help or anything. I think I still have the drawing you did when I couldn’t move my legs and refused to go to the doctors. I’m sure its somewhere. I definitely still have the youtube video up of us playing prop hunt! I regret so much letting that stupid fucking snake in my head because you nor sarah deserved for me to just give up on trusting you. It wasn’t worth it, I hope you can forgive me for bailing and letting that happen. Letting someone gaslight and manipulate everything just so she could isolate me and make my entire life about her to be at her beck and call.

I miss all of you, and for whatever reason this has been on my mind so damn much. I don’t know if it’s a divine timing deal or what, but I’m hoping that I still have a chance to make it right, and to make amends because the universe knows you all deserve that more than fucking anything.

“Not really,”

the little mermaid (1989 film) : sentence starters