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Hi. Sorry. I just been really busy and yesterday was my graduation :):):). Lol. I well try to finish my stories soon but I have no ETA of them. Sorry. :(
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I'm pissed. Time of our Life was (and still is) my favorite btr song. But they cut out the bridge in the music video, which is the anthem of cargan. Without the bridge, Carlos barely had a voice. Carlos is completely underrated. His voice is what elevated the song to a higher level. SONY/NICK/PRODUCTION needs to understand and value the man that can take any invisible song and make it epic.
Without the bridge, the music video is just a video of Logan fixing Carlos' jacket, Logan and Carlos fooling around behind kames (when Kendall hands James a dog, check it out), Carlos being the cutest guy ever, and Logan being a loser. [Basically, THE cargan song]
This is like how they cut Carlos off in Worldwide. I'm pissed that the most melodic singer of btr doesn't get more vocal time.
Summary: It doesn’t matter. Whether you were a blonde, a brunette or now bald, I still love you. You supported me, believed in me and told me “this is my someday” years ago. Now I’ll tell you. No, I’ll show you. You are my everyday. Angsty Kames from James’ POV. Cancer drabble.
Comment: I was talking to my friend, Jojo, and she said if going bald is for a good cause, she would do it. This is my inspiration.
Story
“You were blonde when you told me to follow my dreams.” I held his left hand in mine, sitting on the edge of his hospital bed. He didn’t look at me, didn’t pretend to care that I was here. He stared out the window, watching the cloud moved through the sky as his life stopped. “Then, you dyed your hair brown. It was cute. We matched.” I smiled, trying to be happy for the both of us.
It was hard. I’m used to being the weak one. Not weak as in powerless or a loser like Logan but the one without any worries or care. I would wake up, go play with Carlos and return home to Kendall yelling at me that Gustavo will kill me for slacking. Now it’s like we traded. I’m the one holding his hand. He’s the one slacking.
He’s the one without a care.
“And now-“
“I get it!” Kendall croaked, tearing his hand from my hold. He straightened the fitted hospital cap over his head, pulling it down to cover his eyebrows or where his eyebrows used to be. “I don’t have hair!” Kendall snapped, staring at me with his broken eyes.
The chemo wasn’t working. The treatment wasn’t curing him. He wasn’t the Kendall I remembered when he was a blonde or a brunette. The chemo took away my Kendall when it took away his hair. I wanted my Kendall back.
“I know,” I sighed. I tried to hold his hand again but he pulled back. “But-“
“I know! Hair is important to you.” Kendall tried to finish my sentence but he’s partly wrong. I love my hair. Well, I loved my hair.
“You’re important to me.” I corrected him, nervously tugging my green beanie down to cover my ears. “You’re more important.”
“You can stop lying, James.” Kendall hoarsely said. Kendall was angry and broken. His voice was a dead give-away. “Hair is the most important thing to you. You wake up hours ahead just to fix your hair. Cuda gel. Cuda spray. Cuda this. Cuda that. Our bathroom is named Cuda! Don’t act like you care more about me because I know you love your hair more.”
“That’s not all true.” I whispered. For the most part, Kendall was right. I did love my hair more than anything in the world. But now, I love Kendall more. “I love you.”
“No you don’t!” Kendall yelled. I guessed it was the chemo and cancer and being stuck in this white prison that made him like this. I can’t blame him for being distressed but I didn’t want him to think that I don’t love him. “The moment I take off this cap and show you my freakishly bald head, you will run away. You won’t stand by me and why would you? You have the most beautiful head of hair in all of L.A. Why would you settle for a dying man?”
“Because he’s my boyfriend.” I answered without a second of hesitation. I didn’t need to think. I didn’t need a second. I always knew I love him. He’s my Kendall. We’re not married and only eighteen but I still believed in “till death do we part” and even then, I’ll follow him. “And I had.”
“Had what?” Kendall spat.
It’s now or never. I didn’t want to show him until everything was done. I didn’t even see Kendall’s bald head yet but I felt that this was the best time to show him.
“This.” My shaking hands uncovered the thick beanie, revealing to my gasping boyfriend the one thing that scared me the most, my own shaved head.
“James. What did you, I mean … What?” He stuttered, eyes bugging out. My head was naked. Not one thread was attached to my smooth scalp. My cheeks turned red. Eyes began to tear. I didn’t have hair.
But I do have Kendall.
“I shaved it off.” I simply explained. Kendall shook his head. I guessed, when I said “I will shave my head when the world ends,” he thought I wasn’t joking. Well, I wasn’t but I never joke about Kendall. “Mrs. Knight took me to a barber and we cut it all off.”
“I’m so sorry.” Kendall blurted out before I can say more. I can see the blame and guilt in his eyes. “You did this because of me. I made you give up everything.”
“Nothing. My hair is nothing.” I said. I caught his attention and grabbed his hand. This time, he let me hold him, tracing the soft ridges of his palm. “I shaved off my hair and Mrs. Knight is helping me make a wig out of it. I want you to have my hair.”
“I can’t. Your hair is … you. Your hair is everything to you. I can’t.”
“No. My hair is my hair. You’re my everything.” I whispered into his ear, stoking his boney back. He’s been losing a lot of weight. The cancer took a lot. The least I can do is to give him my hair. “I want you to have it.”
“I don’t want it.”
“I’m already bald. I made the decision to do it.”
“And I don’t want it.” Kendall said in his superior, leader-like voice. I smiled. This is the confident Kendall I remember. This is the Kendall I love. And this is the Kendall I’ll follow forever. “I don’t want it. You’re the only one I want. With a mane of hair or bald, I still want you.”
“So, you believe me when I tell you I love you?” I asked him. He didn’t hesitate, pressing his lips to mine. I guessed he did believe me. “I love you.”
“I know. Thanks James but I don’t need hair. As long as I have you, I’m happy.”
“Same here.”
I guess I didn’t have to shave. I could still have my head of hair but that small smile my Kendall had and the hopeful kiss he shared were worth it. I would give up everything because he is my Kendall.
Blonde, brunette or bald or even if I’m bald, he is my everything.
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During TIFAY (till i forget about you) the transformer blew and all the lights in the venue went out. The boys and all our crew danced around the stage with flashlights trying to light one another…. PERFECT ending to an AMAZING tour.. Thank you to all who came. BTR did 82 shows this year in 2012. Filmed 13 episodes. And traveled to over 6 different counties. Elevate went gold in Mexico. We won a few KCAs around the world and played for the first family at the White House…We could not do this without all our rushers out there. We love you guys more than anything and we hope to continue to inspire you..as much as you all inspire US.
I wrote this a while ago. It's too short to be a ff one-shot, so I'm posting it here.
Skyscraper
A short ficlet of Carlos telling Logan how he feels after two months of neglect. Somewhat inspired by Skyscraper by Demi Lovato, covered by Alex Goot. K rated
“You can do this.” Kendall pats Carlos’ shoulders from behind, shaking the Latino’s of his fears and anxiety.
It’s been two months. Two months of ignoring. Two months of “I can’t. I have work,” or “sorry Carlos. Another time?” But there is no “another time.” There is too much work.
There is no us, only Carlos.
“There he is across the hall talking to Camille. You can do this.” His blond friend preps him, shaking him more. He can sense Carlos’ hesitation but after two months of being in the dark, spending more time holding Carlos breaking in the night than with his own boyfriend, he needs to push Carlos to confront Logan.
“I don’t know, Kendall.”
“Listen to me. Carlos, listen to me.” Kendall turns him, forcing the scared man to look him in the eyes. “You are Carlos Garcia. You can do anything. Who jumped into the Palmwood pool ten years ago from the fourth floor?”
“I did.”
“And who beat up the whole entire seventh grade with just a helmet on?”
“I did but I got a few-“
“And who convinced Logan to fall in love with you after Big Time Rush’s final concert?” Kendall cuts him off quickly.
“I did.” Carlos beams a smile at the fond memory of holding Logan on the darken stage during their intermission. He looks up, holding a confident smile at Kendall. “I can do it.”
“Good.” Kendall spins the man around, lowering his lips to his ear. “Because I need to spend time with James.” He pushes Carlos foreword, disappearing from the door. Carlos sharply turns his head but Kendall is already gone. He takes a deep breath, beginning his trek down the crowded hall to the two talking at the end.
“So, I am doing well, still acting. And-“
Cough, Carlos fakes. Camille stops and Logan notices Carlos standing in front of them, wearing a heavy, stern expression.
“Hey Carlos, what’s up?” Camille asks but Carlos doesn’t answer, still staring at Logan with his piercing gaze.
“Um…” Logan whispers, shifting eye contact between the two. “Are you ok, Carlos?”
“You don’t get to talk, just listen,” Carlos commands, holding a finger to Logan’s face. Camille raises an eyebrow and Logan nods his head. “You’ve been ignoring me for the last two months. When I'm sleeping alone, there's only silence like we don’t have a chance. Is that how you want me to feel, Logan?” Carlos asks, pointing to the air between them, his voice unfretted and strong.
“No!” Camille jumps at the question. “Carlos-“
“I watched you leave every night to go to work or wherever you go. You never worked the graveyard shift before because you said the hours, the minutes lying in my arms are worth more than any amount the world can pay you. You didn’t notice that you tear me down when you ran and I stayed home. I watched you disappear and I break down. Why do you make me feel like there is nothing left?”
“Carlos, stop it!” Camille yells, shaking Logan’s arm, trying to make Logan say something. “Tell him what you’ve been doing at night.”
“Shut up Camille!” Carlos yells. Normally, he is calm and collected. He never yelled at strangers much less a friend. “You don’t defend him. He took everything I have. He broke who I am. I am nothing because of him. So shut up and listen to what I have to say.”
“Carlos.” Logan whimpers, getting up from his seat. “I-“
“Save it.” Carlos pushes him back into the stool, stunned and shocked at Carlos’ forcefulness. “I told you to listen and you better listen to me.” Logan bites his lips, fumbling with his coat pocket. “The first few days were fine. I thought you needed extra money but then, it became a week and then a month. And now two months later, I can’t take it anymore. Every night became harder and harder to live. And you leave like it was fine, like you enjoy make me feel this way. Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed instead? Tell me, Logie. Tell me, Logan. TELL ME!” Carlos yells, breaking more and more with each word. His body heaves, panting with gravity he never felt before. It’s not long until the first tear falls and now everyone's watching. People across the hall are tuning into the drama but Carlos doesn’t care. All he wants are answers even though he knows what will happen to him.
“Without you, I won’t raise like a skyscraper.” He cries, cracking at his confession. Camille drops a tear as well and Logan's sitting still, stoic and playing with his coat pocket. He stands up to face Carlos, a blush painted across his face. “Say it because at least if you’re gone, I heard it from you.”
“No, Carlos, wait. Don’t think I don’t love-“
“Just say it!” Carlos shuts his eyes, the tears steaming.
“No, Carlos. Look at me.” Logan begs but Carlos won’t.
“Just say it! I don’t need to see you break up with me,” Carlos sobs.
“JUST OPEN YOUR EYES!” Camille commands and Carlos finally does. Surprise fills his face, watching Logan shaking in front of him. He can’t believe what is happening or what will happen.
“This is why I’ve been gone every night and I know I hurt you and it hurts me too but Carlos,” Logan says, lowering to one knee. “I know you jumped the question to ask me to go on a date with you and you said you wanted to pop the question but I wanted to do it because you mean so much to me and I love you and-“
“Shut up and ask the question!” Camille excitedly yells, kicking Logan gently.
“Will you marry me?” Logan pops, posing with the simple ring in hand.
He doesn’t take a second, jumping at his boyfriend, throwing his arms around Logan’s small frame. He nuzzles his caramel nose into Logan’s dimple. “You can take everything I have because you raise me from the ground.”
Logan smiles, stroking Carlos’ back as applause resonates through the long hallway. “Is that a yes?”
Carlos tills his head back, smirking at his boyfriend, or now, his fiancé. “What do you think?” He closes the gap, pressing his lips on to Logan’s, giving his answer.
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