Seriously Casual

This is the end of this blog. Last week, my neurologist recommended that I consider disability. I’m devastated because I gave 17 years at this company just to watch it start to crumble unceremoniously. It sure doesn’t feel great and I think that’s because the reality is that I did it all for me anyways. The timing is awful. I’m pretty scared. I’m always somewhere. Twitch, YouTube, podcasts,…

When do I wake up? When do I get to rest? When does it seem like enough? When does it feel like I’ve given it my best? What more can I give you? Hmmm? I don’t own my life. That belongs to my kids and my wife… I don’t own my heart. I gave it away entirely. When do I wake up?

I guess this was coming but it would have been great if I could make the decision instead of my body making it for me. A whole lot happened during the pandemic and none of it was ready to face the light yet. My arm got worse. My legs got weak. My brain was so preoccupied with an idea that it didn’t bother figuring out how to not be crazy. I’ve run off everyone who reads this for the most part…

It is June 10, 2021. Tomorrow I will be 39 years old. I do not regret to tell you that I do not feel like a 39-year-old mentally. I do regret to tell you that I feel much older physically. The last 39 years has been amazing. There is absolutely no way I could’ve predicted how fun this ride would be. (No I’m not being sarcastic.) I’ve gotten to do so much. Everything lead to where I am now. I…

I was never okay today. I’m still not. I don’t know why. I don’t even know what has been wrong! Got some great news today too. Still not okay. 😂

https://insidetheaoe.wordpress.com/2021/04/03/for-me/ I’ve had some time and done A LOT of thinking: I promised to go back and reconcile these emotions with myself so here it is: It’s just fine. I’m fine. ☺️ The way things went was for the better and I was able to realize that around two weeks after. And spaced all of those thoughts and feelings out of my brain’s airlock into the ether.…

The term AOE stands for area of effect. I have heard it used in video games win in action affects an area of the screen. Early in the MySpace days, I started calling my blog “Inside the AOE”. I felt like the world was falling down around me. Everything was bad. I lost the job that I thought would become my career (US army). My ex-wife and I were struggling mightly. Then she absolutely smashed my…

Lagoth sat across from Myra at the metal picnic table. She was busy fussing with her phone trying to find out where Kevin was. Her hair bounced perfectly as she dug in her purse and Lagoth couldn’t help but notice the worry-lines that formed at the corner of her mouth when she frowned. Her phone buzzed and her eyes filled with joy. “He’s coming”, she stated as their eyes met. A million words…

Block edit test Gone is gone, Done is done, But part of my heart, Can’t accept it’s not won. It’s not holding out hope, It knows that it lost, But it wanted to win, No matter the cost.

My mind is racing always. It never stops. I’ve always been chasing ways to quiet it down. It sucks. I can’t even enjoy a book. I think this is why I don’t really like TV or movies. Maybe I’m not looking at this right; maybe I should listen to the thing and see if I can help it calm down a bit. Those who know me love me. That’s a thing I should try to maybe. Alright brain…. Be gentle.

This one is for me so I can go back and try to reconcile how I felt: I did something a couple weeks ago that broke something very important to me. My heart is absolutely shattered. I know how to fix it. I know what I need to do. I know where the switch needs to face. And it’s spaced that way a couple times this week but it keeps wanting to change back. I’m going to flip it right now so I can stop…

It’s funny because as things started to get worse for me people would point out clumsy or odd things that I would do. I’ve always remembered these things because in my mind I knew that something was wrong. In my head I could tell that my body wasn’t connecting the way that it used to. Even after having been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, I was still able to do a lot of things quite…

None of you will hear from me for a very long time. Some of you might have noticed and came here to find out if I’m okay and why I disappeared. I’m okay. Thank you for being my fans.

Oh! I ‘member! Tried like hell to forget by oofing (OOF!) My absolutely marvelous wife (I’m a survivor) made sure I was reminded despite some general fuckery….I appreciate like hell that she’s trying. I want to be loved by someone the way that I love them. I know that is a tall order. I understand that I am intensely passionate about my relationships and friendships. I want to be loved as…

Today I decided something that is going to change my life significantly. My anxiety is so high that I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack. Please let this edible kick in. I really was done writing here before but I have to document this. It’s a big deal. Let’s check in in a month. Ah. I think it’s hitting. P.S. you did this to you

Today I got a chance to talk to a friend that I haven’t talked to much these last few years. It was very nice… it got me a little sad that I can’t see people. I guess that’s an understatement. This friend and her family are extremely important to me. Probably the most important people in my life who aren’t related to me really. I forgot anything else that happened in my day actually. That’s the…