Today’s Halloween, so I wanted to take a moment to send a message to all of you ghouls and goblins out there enjoying the #SpookySzn:
Each and every Halloween, it seems we can’t escape the news media’s low-hanging fruit opportunities to publish stories about the dangers of drug-laced Halloween candy.
Hell, try it for yourself. Google “Halloween drug candy,” click on the “News” tab and try not to fall too deep into the rabbit hole of stories published by every news organization and their mothers.
I, for one, am glad these stories are published annually. While they’re intended to provide tips to parents and guardians about what to look out for and to take away from their children’s Halloween sacks, for me, they provide excellent tips for how to differentiate between boring, sugar-saturated candy and what I’m actually after: hardcore narcotics.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Mike, don't make jokes about this. Drugs are bad and present an imminent danger to the children, the future of this great nation,” and to you I say relax...
Of course drugs are dangerous to children. Of course we should be monitoring the young tykes’ Halloween candy to make sure some shady figures trying to do the devil’s work don't succeed. This is something we can all agree on.
But that does little to get the drugs off the streets.
That’s why, for as long as I can remember, I’ve been taking Halloween candy-disguised drugs en mass each and every Halloween. It’s true that these drugs hold no place in a child’s body, but an adult’s?
Why, in my experience at least, I can’t recall a Halloween more fun than the one where I took a fistful of ecstasy from the strange-looking fella with the pierced nipples a half a block over.
So be adventurous, my friends. Enjoy your Halloween — after all, it’s supposed to be an excuse to, for one day in the year, be someone totally different. So be a junkie!
When you’re laying on your couch, smelling the doorbell ringing, only to be greeted by the oscillating faces of short, colorful demons, you’ll thank me. Not only will you have one of the most memorable Halloweens of your life — if you remember it — you’ll be doing your part to keep your community and its children safer.