ʕ✩ʔ

⋆｡°✩ ˗ˏˋ ★ ˎˊ˗ ⋆｡°✩

ellie williams knew she was in love with you since before she knew she was into girls.

and apparently, she did a terrible job hiding it. 

“come on ellie! this is getting ridiculous i thought you would get over your silly crush on your best friend, but you never did! and really, i respect myself too much to be the other woman in this relationship.” dina laughed humorlessly. 

ellie and her now ex-girlfriend sat at a busy coffee shop. ellie’s body shook with nerves. was she really that obvious?

“yeah, ellie, you wear your heart on your sleeve. you have never looked at me the way you look at her.”

“shit- dina! sorry, i’m-“

“hey! no harm no foul! i get it, it’s a shitty situation, it does not mean we can’t be friends anymore!”

ellie gave dina a small great-full smile. “i’d like that…”

───── ⋆⋅☆·⋆ ─────

ellie was acting weird lately.

it was barely noticeable. but you knew.

the awkwardness lasted for only a few days, but you could not shake off the feeling that something was wrong.

and you were right.

“dina broke up with me…” she wrung her hands, fidgeting with her fingers. you both sat in the living room of your two-bedroom apartment. 

“oh, ells-”

“i deserved it,” she murmured, dragging a hand down her face. 

she looked exhausted.

“ellie…”

“i don’t want to talk about it!” she snapped, and when you jerked back, hurt. she hid her face in her hands, “ ‘m sorry, i didn’t mean to snap…”

“it’s okay ellie, i understand. do you want me to put on a movie?”

she nodded, her face buried into her hands.

“ellie…” you sighed, shifting your body so you could wrap her arms around her.

people always asked you how you could stand ellie, that she had a hard exterior, but here she was, melting into your arms.

“i am so tired bug.” she groaned into your shoulder.

“how about we go out?” you let go of the embrace softly.

she looked at you like you were insane.

“not like to party, but how about we go to that italian restaurant you love, my treat!”

“maybe another day. i just want to mope today. let’s order takeout.”

you wrapped your arms around her again. “you must really be mopey if you turned down a trip to silvo’s.”

she hummed. she must really be a masochist to melt into your arms.

her heart ached. she felt like screaming with frustration.

how sick of her to turn your innocent touches into spank bank material.

she hated herself apparently, for not distancing herself from you, for her own good.

she was always there to hear you talk about boys. not a slight mention of a girl. ever. 

her gut wrenched.

fuck.

her grip tightened around you. 

you obviously noticed. your hand rose to her short dark auburn hair. twirling the soft strands around your fingers.

you felt her shiver against you.

“ellie…”

she shook.

“it’s okay ellie, you’re okay…” 

her breaths evened out and before you knew it she was asleep in your arms. murmuring nonsense.

you smiled softly at your best friend. you loved her so much.

she was your whole world.

you would cut off your right arm before doing anything to lose her.

and you knew it was wrong, selfish of you, but you ignored the way she would stare a little too long. the way she would shiver at your touch. get jealous when you talked of boys. hated all of your boyfriends, even the nice ones. 

and you did not know how deep her attraction went. thinking she just thought you were pretty, not knowing the extent of her romantic love for you.

even so, you acted oblivious. you were being egotistical. you loved her so much. too much. you were scared of losing her. of fucking it up with her - like you fucked it up with every single relationship you had ever had- and losing her for good.

───── ⋆⋅☆·⋆ ─────

ellie had bags under her eyes.

she did not really know what the fuck was wrong with her.

and apparently, she had a torture kink, because she was pathetic and she needed you and she missed you horribly when you were not around.

it was ridiculous.

even joel noticed.

she was visiting him, playing with her perfectly good food.

swirling the fork and pushing the chicken around.

“fucking hell williams what is going on with you!” joel snapped when she mumbled out a nonsensical response to a question she had not even registered.

“nothing!”

“nothing my ass! you look like a lovesick puppy! is it that same girl that had you all mopey all through high school when you realized you were into chicks?” joel chuckled.

ellie groaned in response.

“you want my fatherly advice? either tell her or move on.” joel waved his fork around.

“it’s not that easy joel, i could lose her…”

“and you would rather be sad and depressed than lose her?”

she hummed in assent.

“damn, kiddo-”

“i know! i’m hopeless, but i love her, and it would kill me to lose her.”

joel gave her a sympathetic look.

───── ⋆⋅☆·⋆ ─────

ellie had her tongue down some other girl. you could not stop the ugly churning in your gut.

the party was dull. but you watched her and it was the same ugly feeling when she was unavailable to you while she was going out with dina.

the girl was pretty. 

you turned your attention back on the boy that was talking to you.

you looked at him critically, he was pretty, but he was putting off a different vibe, he did not seem interested in you.

“so anyway, my friend is really shy, and she will probably kill me for this, but she has been eyeing you the whole night!”

you smiled. there was always that option, and ellie had her tongue down another girl’s throat… so.

“she sounds cute! i would love to meet her.” 

the boy gave you a grin, before cupping his hands around his mouth and shouting, “bella! izzy! isabella!”

a beautiful fuming girl stomped her way to you. she had dark short silky hair and a sharp glean in her eyes

she intimidated you. in a hot way. in the same way, ellie intimidated you.

“whatever oli has been telling you he’s lying.”

she was blushing. cute.

“what? you don’t think i am cute?” you grinned.

her full glossy lips pouted. “no.” she was turning beet red.

you giggled. “too bad because i think you are pretty cute. especially when you are embarrassed. you are blushing.”

“i am not!” she crossed her arms, but her lips twitched.

“i like a challenge, and you know what? i like you.”

“you don’t know me…” her eyes were glimmering with mirth.

“i would love to get to know you bella.”

“hmmm,” her lips pursed. “well i like life, and i don’t want to die, so excuse me if i am weary of jealous exes..”

“huh?”

“there’s a girl who is staring at me like she wants to kill me, she has this blonde sucking on her neck-“

you laughed, “oh ellie? nah, she’s just a friend.”

she smiled mischievously, “wanna find out?”

“huh?”

“can i kiss you?”

your heart fluttered, definitely not because ellie was jealous. but you sighed as her soft sticky lips met yours, her arms wrapped around your neck and slid into your scalp. you moaned against her mouth, your hands went to her waist, she was also wearing a skirt. you wanted to slip a hand up her leather skirt, but you were in public.

she read your mind. “room?” 

you nodded, she tangled her fingers in you and dragged you up the stairs. giggling like middle-schoolers. you could taste her sweet gloss on your lips. 

you had to force yourself from looking back.

───── ⋆⋅☆·⋆ ─────

ellie was fuming, she stared at you and her, asses barely covered by skirts.

what the actual fuck?

she thought you were straight as a line.

what the fuck.

she needed a smoke. 

she barely felt the girl sucking her neck like a vampire, she said something about needing some air and pushed her off, walking out the door.

she sat by the pool, blowing smoke into the air.

it had been hours.

she felt like screaming. like kicking someone, or getting into a fight.

and she did, she did not remember what, or how, or who…

and she barely remembers being pulled out.

but she did remember you.

how you screamed her name, hair mussed and lips puffy, all recently fucked not by her, you called out her name and yanked at her to stop, while some other people pulled at the other person.

the girl you had fucked was staring in shock.

the girl laughed and whispered something in your ear, it sounded something like ‘told you so’

she had had it. she pushed you off roughly, and she tried to ignore your hurt gasp

she needed to leave. so she did.

you were hot on her heels. and she was done.

“leave me alone! i need to be by myself right now, just- go back to her-“

“ellie,” you said her voice like a plea, and that was the last straw.

“please! just, leave me alone.” her voice broke.

you jerked back, hurt. you nodded dumbly. not really knowing how to react. so you watched her walk away.

───── ⋆⋅☆·⋆ ─────

it had been a week and a half since you last heard anything from her.

you messaged her almost daily to no avail, the word ‘read’ on the corner of the text message in a small font. you tried not to be hurt by it. but your best friend was icing you out and you missed her. badly.

so you lived your life. pouring yourself into your work, doing overtime.

reading for hours. tv shows and movies did not do it. they were not enough to numb your anxious thoughts. so you read mind-numbing action-packed fantasy romance.

the rain pattered into your windows. it was late. so it surprised you when your phone rang. you were curled up reading on the couch, your fingers curled around your kindle. it was your baby. it was decorated with stickers and it had a heart-shaped pop socket on the right side for a comfortable grip. your phone was on do not disturb and only ellie and your mom’s calls were programmed to ring. you did not have it in your heart to change it. not knowing where you stood with the dark auburn hair girl.

you dreamt of her hair.

fuck.

anyway…

when your phone rang…you answered, brows furrowed in confusion.

“els?” your voice was laced with worry. this was so strange. the whole situation gave you a weird feeling. 

you heard pants on the other side of the phone.

“ellie.”

“i’m sorry, i’m here. can you open the door?”

you hung up, hurrying to open the door to your apartment.

there she was, in a white top and flannel.

drenched.

her eyes were averted, her hair darkened by the water.

“ellie…” you dragged her in for a hug. “what’s wrong? what are you doing here?”

she looked at you with furrowed brows, offended, hurt. something was horribly wrong.

“not like that el, you know i am always happy to see you, m just surprised! look at you! you are dripping wet, you must be freezing. come on, i’ll run you a bath, let me lend you some clothes. are you sleeping over?” you acted like you had just seen her yesterday.

ellie nodded, dumbstruck. “i just needed to get out of my apartment, i cannot stand my roommates at the moment, so i just-“

she just came to the first comfort place she thought of, your place. her safe place. or at least, it was…

she followed you into the bathroom and watched as you opened the cupboards.

“hey, would you like a bath bomb?”

she nodded dumbly.

you left your phone on the sink.

it was open to your home screen.

notifications took up the top of your screen.

some group chat of your straight friend group.

and then

bellar/bells<33333

what the ever-loving fuck?

? who the fuck was bella?

and why did you have her like that in your contacts?

you did not even have ellie with a heart! her name on your phone was just ‘el :)’

her heart wrenched. she ached.

fuck.

this was why she had been ghosting you. 

not that it helped. she just felt worse.

you started talking, and when she did not answer you turned around.

her gaze on your phone, you saw notification after notification of isa.

fuck.

before she could stop herself, gruff words tumbled from her mouth. “who?- who the fuck is bella?” her voice cracked.

did she really want to know? guess she was going to find out.

“she’s just a girl.” you avoided her eyes.

her hand slammed into her chest. fuck. 

“ellie?” you were concerned. how fucking nice.

“is it her? the girl you- the girl you- fuck! shit! is it the girl you-“ why was she stumbling over her words? “fucked?!”

“els?” your voice was meek, afraid.

“don’t- don’t call me that- please! i- i need to leave!”

“no!”

her chest was rising and falling exaggeratedly.

“you are not fucking leaving me again with no explanation!”

her eyes were heartbroken.

“oh.” you gasped. understanding visible in your eyes.

her body shook.

god, you were not dumb.

and now you knew.

her breath quickened.

her gut hurt, and she bent over at the waist, hands on her thighs.

you hurt watching her like this.

she was panicking. it had been years since you had to deal with one of her attacks.

you cupped her face.

“five things you can see ellie, breathe….”

“f-fuck! um- the- the fucking sink!”

“one,”

“the green bath-“ she gasped, tears escaping her bottom eyelids. “bath bomb, the floor, the toilet-“

“tell me three things you can hear…”

she was sobbing now. 

fuckk.

you could not help it, you wrapped your hands around her, and she dragged you to the floor with her. 

“your breathing, i hear- i hear my heart-“ she gulped. “my heartbeat. your voice-“

“what can you smell, baby?”

she sobbed then. “i can’t! i can’t lose you!”

“shh- shhh, baby. no one said anything about losing me, now what do you smell?”

“your perfume, my-my sweat.”

“and what do you taste?”

“the aftertaste of splenda!”

you smiled softly.

“what did you have that had splenda in it?”

your fingers played with her wet hair.

her trembling arms were on your waist.

“some fucking shit ass coffee my roommates made.”

you sighed.

“ellie.”

she hummed against your neck.

“ellie!”

“you called me baby,” she said more to herself than to you.

“do you want to take that shower?”

“i don’t want you to leave!” her voice was whiny.

“i won’t, i am going to get you some clothes while you get in the bath, and use that bath bomb, i will be back in five.”

she nodded dumbly as you smiled at her reassuringly, she watched you leave the bathroom, not wanting to seem more desperate than she already was.

she slid off her cold wet clothes, shivering. her skin pale. 

and the water was so warm, it burned her frozen feet.

but she got in.

leaning her head back on the edge of the tub.

she was numb. her body shaking with the aftershock of the anxiety.

her head ached, and she felt a chasm open up where her heart was supposed to be.

she thought she was losing you.

even if she did not get to be with you the way she wanted. she would be happy enough to still have your friendship. she would take whatever you gave her. in whatever way you could.

even if it meant accepting that you did like girls, just not her.

and that hurt.

fucking shit how that hurt.

you knocked on the door and seconds later you were inside.

she took the time to take you in, you wore a loose white sweats and a tight grey top.

she thanked the lord that you were wearing a bra.

you held in your hands a hoodie and a pair of shorts.

the clothes she always used when she slept over.

you softly placed the clothes on the toilet lid. you reached for your shampoo and knelt next to the tub.

ellie’s eyes were weary.

“look, i don’t feel like being fucking pitied right now. fuck- i should’ve just left!” ellie felt very vulnerable. why had she even put herself in this position?

the foam and the color of the bath bomb covered her up to her chest. 

“ellie… please just stay. i am not pitying you. just stay… why did you come here in the first place?”

ellie averted her eyes, “i just- missed you…”

you hummed.

ellie would cut off her right arm to be able to glean a semblance of your thoughts. 

your eyes were soft, lips pulled to the side.

she waited for the shoe to drop.

“can i wash your hair?”

she should have cracked a joke. but she did not feel like it. so she just nodded.

you reached for your shampoos.

they were some special shit, you bought them at a hair salon, probably expensive, but she did not care.

not when she dunked her head to wet her hair.

not when her eyes fluttered close as your fingers slid into her hair, massaging the shampoo, and scraping the sensitive skin of her scalp with your manicured fingernails.

she whimpered.

you took the opportunity to take her in.

ellie had always been very beautiful.

but with your fingers in her hair, her dark wet eyelashes brushing her cheeks, her jaw clenched, and soft whines leaving her lips.

she was divine.

a god on earth.

you took your time.

turning on the detachable showered and turning it on to the lowest pressure, rinsing her hair.

you applied a bit of leave-in moisturizing product on her hair, using a soft hairbrush to detangle her short strands.

she was panting. her mouth gaping slightly.

why had you waited this long?

because you were afraid of losing her…

yea. but- you had wanted her so bad, for so long. you had just repressed your feelings for her to the point that you felt them in your chest, tight and pounding. you needed her. but you wanted to take care of her first.

“el, i am going to go change into my pajamas, i’ll give you some time to change, okay? i’ll meet you in the living room whenever you are ready.” 

her eyes fluttered open, she felt your swift fingers brush strands of her fringe off her forehead.

you looked so pretty.

you always looked pretty.

but a glint in your eyes made her want to beg.

she almost did, but you smiled at her and made your way out of the bathroom.

ellie took her time, going through the motions numbly

she stared at the mirror.

she looked exhausted.

she had spent the week and a half in agony.

she could not get the image of you with her out of her mind. 

food tasted like cardboard.

and she knew she was being hypocritical. she had had her tongue down someone’s throat.

but just the thought of you and the girl made her want to throw up.

she tore her gaze from the mirror.

she felt pathetic. reduced to a nervous, anxious wreck because of her feelings for you. and ellie had no inkling of your feelings. 

you seemed to know about hers, and you weren’t kicking her out of your house, so that was good.

but the anticipation was killing her. she was at a standstill. and she was anxious to get past it. 

but she was too much of a pussy to say anything. she preferred this weird limbo than to face the fact that she could lose you.

and she would rather die than lose you.

she had almost lost it going a week and a half without seeing you. so how could she be expected to survive losing you permanently?

but no. you were not like that. 

maybe if she ignored the elephant in the room, it would go away. she gulped, took a deep inhale, and walked out of the bathroom into the living room.

there you were. 

you were curled up on the couch, tv remote in hand.

ellie turned her head to look at the windows, the curtains were open, and the rain was heavy, pounding into the glass.

she shivered.

the heater was on, but she wanted nothing more than to share body heat with you.

shit.

“come on ellie, let’s watch a feel-good movie! get under the blanket with me.”

an olive branch, a peace offering. you were telling her that everything was okay. and that things would continue to be as they were.

she exhaled, smiling softly. relieved.

she made her way to you, and you lifted the large fluffy blanket to give her an opening.

she gladly slid her limbs under the blanket.

she might have been overstepping, but she needed comfort, and you had never denied her hugs.

she had always been very touchy with you.

unable to restrain herself from reaching out. leaning her head on yours, sliding an arm into yours. you just told yourself that girls who were friends did that, and you chose to ignore the fluttering in your tummy whenever her soft warm skin made contact with yours.

but now you knew. and you would wait until tomorrow. ellie was in a vulnerable position right now. she needed comfort, so you would do your best to take care of your girl.

the sofa was sectional, it was shaped like an L, so you extended your legs and shifted your body, yanking on ellie’s upper body so she lay on top of you, your legs open to fit her body in the gap, your neck supported by a fluffy decorative pillow, she buried her face in the crook of your neck.

your hands went to her hair.

you knew how much she loved when you played with her hair.

she would melt in your arms, becoming putty.

“what does this mean?” she whispered.

“it means nothing until you are awake and conscious.”

you felt her nod into your skin.

“let’s watch a movie. what do you feel like watching els?”

“you pick bug, m tired.”

and you were complete.

pride and prejudice (2005) playing in the background, with your arms around ellie.

she was warm.

and she smelled so good.

you stole her hoodies to smell her. you loved her smell. it was so her.

you were so stupid! how dumb could you have been? how oblivious to your own feelings to not notice the way you yearned to touch her without restraint.

you slid your hands under her hoodie.

her skin was velvety soft and warm.

she whimpered. 

“can i touch you ellie?”

“p-please!”

so you did, toeing the line you had drawn.

sliding your fingers up and down her sides.

she was panting.

elizabeth and darcy long forgotten.

“let’s go to my room.”

you were quick to turn off the tv.

sliding your hand into hers and leading her into your bedroom.

her gaze on your joint hands, her heart on her throat.

it was pitch black, but both of you had this room engraved in your muscle memory.

so you shut the door behind her and led her into your bed

the silence was filled with heavy breathing as you got into the covers. you felt and heard her standing on the edge of the bed.

“get in ellie. i don’t bite. unless you want me to.”

“i am so scared bug!”

“don’t be ellie, it’s just you and me. it’s just us.”

you did not see her nod under the cover of the darkness but you felt the bed dip as she got in.

your hands were instantly on her.

she whispered your name like a prayer.

you could feel her warm breath on your lips.

“can i kiss you?” the words left your lips soft. 

in response, her lips met yours in the dark.

tentative. as if she touched you too harshly, you would disappear under her touch.

you needed more.

you slid your leg over her hip, lifting your body and positioning yourself on top of her.

your eyes adjusted to the darkness.

you could see the outline of her body, the shadows on her face.

“ellie…” your voice was soft, and you let your fingers wander. you let them touch and feel her. in ways you had not allowed yourself to.

ellie shivered under your light touch. her skin breaking into goosebumps where your fingertips made contact with her skin.

you dragged your hands up, up, under the hoodie, two twin moans left your mouths when your hands found her breasts.

who knew ellie williams had sensitive nipples? you pinched and teased them, her hips jerked softly.

“needy girl, can i take this hoodie off? let me take care of you?”

“please,” ellie’s voice was barely above a whisper. 

you smiled. why had you even waited this long to do this?

this was ellie. and this was an extension of your friendship with her. there was nothing scary in kissing her. there was something beautiful in having her scent overwhelm you, her sweet sounds of pleasure filling the room.

you slid the soft hoodie off her, leaving her upper body exposed to you. 

“i want to taste you, you do not know how long i have wanted to do this.”

“don’t- don’t lie-”

“i am not! i have wanted to have you like this since i discovered what it was to want.”

ellie gasped, her cunt clenched, she was in heaven. she never thought she would hear that kind of confession for you. but here you were, straddling her hips, kneading her tits.

she needed more.

“shh… i’m here ells.” you leaned down to pepper kisses on her neck.

she gasped as your soft lips met her sensitive flesh. sighs of pleasure escaped her lips as you kissed down her neck, nicking her with your teeth. dragging your tongue along her collarbones. 

she tasted so good. her taste was better than anything you could ever imagine.

you kissed your way to her breasts, wrapping your lips around a nipple, and sucking. swirling your tongue along the pebbled nipple. you pinched the other with your fingers.

and her hands found your head, holding you close, knotting her fingers in your hair.

you kissed lower, making her giggle softly when your lips met her tummy.

and then you kissed right above the hemline of her shorts, and she let out a strangled plea.

you smiled into her skin, hooking your fingers into the waistband of her shorts, only to find she was not wearing any underwear. 

you groaned, impatient, you dragged the shorts down her legs and threw them to the floor somewhere. her thighs were clenched, hips spasming softly.

“open your legs ellie, i want to taste you.”

her moan was guttural, but she needed some assistance, so you slid your hands in between her soft thighs, and pried them open, she complied, letting you move her legs where you pleased. 

you hooked her left leg over your shoulder, opening her up. 

you could barely see her, and you regretted not turning on the lights, but you knew your girl would be more comfortable in the dark. 

besides you had forever to get to know each other. and tonight, was about making her feel good.

and when your tongue slid up her folds, you moaned.

she gasped, her mouth gaping.

it felt so good. she never knew…

she had been conscious at first, but you ate her out like you were starved. and the sensations of your tongue in the most intimate, most sensitive part of her body made her toes curl, her eyes roll to the back of her head, and her mouth let out shameless moans and whimpers, pleas of more.

you slid your tongue into her, nose bumping against her clit.

nothing had ever felt this good.

you slid a finger into her.

she could feel the tight coil deep in her core, about to snap.

she tried to speak, but words failed her, so she pushed at your forehead with her hands, to no avail.

and you knew. you could feel her thighs trembling and her cunt clench around your finger. but you replaced it with your tongue, needing to taste her come. 

she climaxed with a scream, and to your delight, you felt her squirt against your mouth. you lapped at what you could. but she flushed in embarrassment. 

her hands left your head to cover her face. you stood up, discarding yourself of clothes, wiping your face with a shirt, and throwing it on the floor along with the rest of the clothing.

ellie heard the rustle of clothing. but she was too preoccupied with having squirted in your face. 

she was too scared to break the silence, but she felt the mattress shift with your weight and she lost all inhibition. 

wrapping her hands around your waist. skin to skin.

she slid a thigh in-between yours, and you were not really expecting anything, but when her upper thigh grazed your cunt your hips jerked involuntarily, chasing the friction that she had given you. 

one of her hands held the nape of your neck, while the other palmed your ass, the movement making your upper thigh drag against her clit.

the room was filled with sounds of pleasure as both of you undulated and gyrated your hips, shamelessly riding each other’s upper thighs to chase each other’s pleasure.

ellie came first, already sensitive from coming once. and you felt her drench your thigh.

“fuck- that’s hot!”

she could not help but chase your lips with hers. 

and when you finally reached your peak, you gaped against her mouth. your body spasming with pleasure.

───── ⋆⋅☆·⋆ ─────

both of you stared at your ceiling, catching your breath. you had your head on her belly, and her hands on your scalp.

“what does this mean for us?” ellie’s voice was meek.

you smiled. “it means whatever we want it to mean.”

“what do you mean by that?”

you both giggled at the overuse of the word mean.

“it means ellie williams, that we can just run with it, or we can talk about it right now. but it’s just us, ellie, i have always loved you, this is just an extension of our friendship. think of it as making our relationship stronger.”

“i just want to hold you, come here.”

you crawled the short distance for her to spoon you, your face buried in her  neck.

“i want to be yours, forever…” ellie whispered.

“god, i love you ellie williams. and i am yours, forever”

you knew she was smiling. you knew her so well. your forever partner

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Abby spent the day at Ellie's as they lived through their hangover: whose idea was to switch to vodka stayed unknown, but the result made them stay in Ellie's uncomfortable bed until 3pm.

Then Dina brought them some anti hangover meds and a bunch of mcdonalds, and by 5pm Abby felt good enough to go home.

Abby felt good and a little scared: she understood the realisation she was gay was only the first step, but when she walked through the aisles of the grocery shop to find your strange tasting snacks, she looked at women more openly. She still had to remind herself it was okay to glance at a girl and think she was pretty, but it was already so different to the guilt she felt before.

Abby wasn't sure if she wanted to tell you yet, still digesting it and coming to terms with it herself, but Abby felt like now she should feel okay with enjoying your touch, and then she could work her way up to telling you that she wasn't, in fact, straight.

Abby made her way to your apartment and opened the door just to get surprised when she saw Vi in your hallway.

"Hi." Abby said politely. Vi was putting her coat on, and her shirt rode up. Abby noticed hickeys on her abs, but she didn't pay attention to it: Vi slept around, and you told Abby before you had a new student, so Abby came to the most logical conclusion. "Is (y/n) tutoring you?"

Abby was curious what you were teaching and she meant to ask Vi about it, but then Vi smirked like there was a double meaning in Abby's words.

"Yeah, you can say that." Abby's mood went from curious to furious in a millisecond. She figured those hickeys were your work too, and it was a pity Vi wasn't in her weight category so Abby would be able to turn her into mush. "I saw your fight last week, it was so good." Vi moved to the door, ready to leave, and Abby gave her space.

"Yeah. Maybe you should spend more time training instead of fucking my roommate and you might win some day too. Bye." Abby said as she loudly closed the door right in front of Vi's confused face. "Fucking bitch."

Abby took her coat off and turned around to face you. You stood in the hallway in your usual home clothes and your mouth was slightly open in shock as you frowned.

"What the fuck was that?" You asked and Abby got annoyed immediately. What, you cared about your little fuckbuddy? Boo hoo, big bad Abby was mean to the girl who fucked you, what a tragedy.

"I just told the truth." Abby shrugged and pushed past you to the living room. She wanted you to fucking leave her alone, but it didn't seem like you would, because you followed her.

"You were rude as fuck." You huffed and crossed your arms, pissing Abby off even more. "Vi was polite to you."

That fucking intonation of yours. The teacher intonation she heard multiple times when you scolded your students.

"Nothing is stopping you from running after her, (y/n)." Abby mocked a surprise. "I bet she'd appreciate some comfort." Abby said under her breath, not able to stop herself. No, not able. She didn't want to stop herself.

"What the fuck, Abby?" Now you sounded genuinely upset and Abby couldn't give more fucks about it. She wanted to call you a crybaby, but some shreds of dignity didn't let her. "I was nice to Owen when you brought him, even though we didn't have a rule for it."

Oh great. You brought Owen up and Abby exploded inside, getting mad at you: you didn't even know what that situation meant for Abby now. How her guilt for liking your touch pushed her into drunken sex with someone she wasn't even attracted to.

"It was one time." Abby growled. "And I didn't think I'd open a brothel by agreeing to that rule."

The hurt looked good on you, Abby decided, when she watched your lips turn into a thin line. But then you frowned, pissed off as well.

"Well sorry for not upholding your good Christian beliefs." You said angrily. "I won't bring anyone anymore if it upsets you so much." You spat.

Abby stared at you and felt the poison filling her voice cords. Without knowing you hit where it hurt the most - the turmoil of previous days: how Abby was worried she wasn’t nice to you anymore, how it fucking tortured her to touch you, how she basically hated herself for having such traditional beliefs when you were such a good person.   

"You can fuck whoever you want, I don't give a fuck. Only I thought people paid you for lessons and not for sex." Abby said, too impersonal.  

Your eyes went wide with shock and hurt, and Abby was happy. Low blow for a low blow, she decided with sadistic pleasure.

"Fuck you, Abby." You spat in a tense voice. "I'm going to stay somewhere else and you figure your shit out, because we both know what this all is about."

That made Abby’s hands shake and heart beat faster. What did you mean? Did you notice? Did you know? Did she make you uncomfortable? Was it why you always asked before touching her? To give her an example because she was creepy?

"What are you even talking about?" Abby asked, now scared to be found out like this, in a fucking fight. Abby followed you as you packed your things, her anger mixing with anxiety. “Where are you going? It’s snowing outside, are you insane?”

“Fuck off, Abby.” You asked and she heard the tears in your voice. You didn’t look at her, but the way you touched your cheeks told Abby you were definitely crying.

Fuck-

Whatever.

Abby huffed and left you alone, just to hear the front door close behind you.

You wiped your tears and swallowed, trying to get a hold of yourself and fucking calm down.

Fuck Abby and her fucking issues, how could she even say that shit to you? It wasn't even that she implied you were a sex worker, it was the disgust and contempt in her tone when she implied it. As if having sex made you lesser than her.

You went outside and looked around for Vi's car: she always took time to warm up her car because it was old and you hoped you'd see her there. And there she was, scrolling on her phone while the engine of her car screamed in pain.

You knocked on her window and she immediately looked worried when she saw what state you were in. Vi motioned you to get in and you got in the passenger seat.

"What happened?" Vi asked and tried to get a look at you, but you only looked straight, refusing to be that vulnerable over a fucking straight girl.

"We fought. I'm sorry she was so rude to you."

"Usual trash talk, I've heard worse. Don't stress." Vi finally made you look at her and she wiped your tears from your cheeks gently. You got angry again - what kind of shit Vi had to hear before? How many people you needed to fuck up?

"Can you take me to my friend? I'll give the address."

"Yeah, no problem. Buckle up."

You nodded and buckled up while giving Vi Cait's address. Then you opened your messages and texted her.

to: Cait

Are you home?

I'm coming over

10 minutes

from: Cait

I'm in the shop, but I'll be there just in time

Wait for me

to: Cait

Ok

Thanks

The ride was quiet. Vi was shy to ask you anything and you didn't have energy or desire to talk about it. Abby had issues and those issues were taken out on you. You didn't deserve to be treated like this, but also you couldn't help but to forgive Abby already - yeah, she had issues, but you also weren't a saint.

You should have known better than to exploit Abby's kindness like this, bringing girl after girl to your place - you made sure it happened when Abby wasn't home, or if she was, you'd be as quiet as possible. But still, not all people would be comfortable with sharing their living space with strangers, and you really brought a girl every week, not counting the times Vi was over - though it was always when Abby wasn't home. You were selfish and Abby finally exploded.

Still, you couldn't be near Abby because her words hurt nonetheless. She still said those things and even if you were at fault, it didn't minimise your pain.

She called you a slut to your fucking face and thought she was so morally superior she had the right to look down on you. The whole situation could have been resolved differently, should you've been more thoughtful.

But you wanted to get over Abby so hard you acted like an idiot and Abby had all the rights to be mad at you for- yeah, turning your place into a brothel.

"Abby is your straight girl, isn't she?" Vi asked carefully, breaking the silence in the car. The only sound before that were windshields that kept the snow off.

"Yeah." You admitted. "Yes, Abby is my straight girl." You chuckled sadly. "The best of the best and the worst of the worst."

"That's fucking tough." Vi said sympathetically.

"You have no idea."

Her touch, her sweetness, her care, her protectiveness, everything that drove you crazy.

Come on, come here, she'd say to you after a busy day, and you, an utter idiot, would go and cuddle with her, laying on top of her chest while she'd play with your hair. She'd remind you of things you'd easily forget - Abby knew your schedule better than you did. (You can't tutor at 2pm, you have classes; you're out of your tea, I'll get it for you later; no we can't stay and watch a movie, you have to wake up at like, 7). You were so in love with her it was hopeless and it hurt so much.

You looked out of the window and tried to swallow your tears. You didn't want Vi to see you like this and deal with this version of you when your relationship wasn't supposed to be closer than a hookup. But Vi was a good person and she held your thigh the whole ride to comfort you while you desperately tried to keep your breath steady as you cried.

Vi parked her car near Cait's home and decided to stay with you and wait for her - she didn't want to leave you in this state, red eyed and upset, in the god awful weather. Caitlyn showed up almost immediately just as she promised, and you smiled sadly at her when she approached with a bag from the closest grocery shop. She frowned when she noticed your mood, but didn’t ask anything right away.

"Hi." Cait said to both of you and you looked at Vi when she didn't say anything in return.

Vi was staring at Caitlyn in shock, and the wheels in your head started to turn.

"This is Vi." You helped her and Vi snapped out of it and nodded.

"We are in the same philosophy class, right?" Caitlyn asked politely, but a little cold, the signature sign of her mother whose words were soft but her face was unwelcoming. Caitlyn had it too, but it came from her social awkwardness and posh background, not from ill intentions.

Oh. Oh. You fought the smile. Caitlyn was Vi's rich girl.

"Y-yeah." Vi managed to say. "I've missed a lot though."

"I've noticed." Caitlyn was serious and you were scared Vi would collapse. "I liked your comments."

That was the highest compliment Caitlyn could say to someone, and after tutoring Vi you knew she had interesting takes due to her life experience, so Caitlyn's words were not just polite talk - she genuinely liked it.

"Th-thanks." Vi blushed. "I like yours too."

Caitlyn smiled politely and you knew it was time to go.

"Thank you, Vi. We better be going." You said and hugged her goodbye.

“It was nice to meet you, Vi.” Caitlyn said and Vi blushed again, nervous.

“Yeah, you too.”

And then Vi quickly left, too embarrassed, and your mood got a little better. Yeah, your life right now majorly sucked, but at least now you could help Vi with her girl.

The walk to Cait’s apartment was silent, just as getting undressed. Caitlyn put her groceries on the kitchen table and turned on the kettle while you sat on the couch. She wasn’t rushing anywhere and you appreciated it because it gave you time to actually organise your thoughts.

“Did something happen?” Caitlyn asked finally, when she gave you the hot cup of tea. You wrapped your hands around it to ground yourself and sighed.

“Abby and I fought. She saw Vi leaving, connected the dots and got mad at me for bringing girls over.” You said, embarrassed. “I mean, she is right, but she said some nasty shit to me.”

“..But you had an arrangement.” Caitlyn pointed out while she was putting her groceries away, always so neat and organised. “She gave you the green light.”

“Well, sometimes this amount of gay is too gay, I guess. Maybe she wasn’t comfortable with this part. Maybe if I liked guys and brought guys over she’d have been more cool.” You shrugged and drank your tea.

“This is bullshit.” Caitlyn huffed and looked at you over her fridge's door. “Let me get this straight - don’t you dare make a gay joke, (y/n) - she saw Vi and went berserk on you?”

“And on Vi too.”

“From what you’ve told me, Abby doesn’t seem like a person who gets emotional over discomfort you might have caused her. Don’t you think she would have talked to you about it right away?” Cait finally sat opposite of you with her espresso.

“What are you trying to say?”

“Well, clearly meeting someone who was in bed with you caused a deeply emotional response in her. She is jealous.”

“She is straight.”

“She is not and you’re being a coward by not admitting it. I understand it’s easier to convince yourself than actually go and talk to her about your feelings, but this forced blindness looks like an insult to your emotional intelligence.” Caitlyn said passionately as she frowned at you.

You swallowed, ashamed - yes, deep inside you knew Caitlyn was right all along - Abby wasn’t straight. But you were too afraid to confess and risk your heart - you’ve never felt like this about someone before. It didn’t feel like butterflies and childish excitement, like something light and pure and fast as summer. No, it felt solid and right and so grounded in reality. It felt like she is the one type of love, and you were terrified of ruining it and not having Abby in your life at all. Like this at least you had her in your head, not risking anything and pretending you could get over her eventually.

But if you were fully honest with yourself you'd admit Abby was the type of love you'd never get over and never forget, the type that would leave you with an ache so deep your hurt would become a constant for the rest of your life.

“I’m so in love with her, Cait.” You said in a tense voice and the dam finally broke.

You sobbed in Caitlyn’s kitchen at 8pm in the evening as she hugged you and kept telling you it'd be alright, but you didn't dare to believe her.

You were too hurt to hope. 

Abby couldn't find a place for herself since you left. She tried so hard to stop thinking about what happened, but the anxiety made her nauseous. Abby was miserable. Her anger calmed down and the reality settled in: she regretted every fucking word that left her stupid mouth.

She even regretted being mean to Vi. Well. Almost. She was still angry at her for having audacity to fuck you.

Abby missed you. She wanted to call you and say sorry, but what was she going to say? Sorry I've been a bitch? You deserved better. Besides, "figure your shit out" probably meant more self-reflection than that.

Did you mean it in the sense that Abby had anger issues or because you saw right through her and knew where her anger came from? Was the fact she wasn't straight so obvious to everyone else? (Honestly, I suspected that before, Ellie said at 3am in the morning when they were super drunk, you have the gay aura). Abby didn't know what she meant by gay aura, but you probably knew and felt it.

Did you know Abby got jealous? Did you notice her feelings before she even realised them? Maybe that was why you were so careful with her? Cautious, even. Fuck, Abby felt like her head was going to explode with these thoughts.

Abby liked you. She liked you so much the thought of you not coming back caused physical pain in her chest, and she had no idea what to do, she's never felt so paralyzed in her life when it came to feelings. Before you it was pretty cut and dry, she never even felt so much, but now it was confusing.

Abby's desperation came to its peak when she remembered your t-shirt was in the bathroom, as always. That thought didn't leave her head even for a second - it was screaming at her to go and put it on as if feeling your scent would comfort her and make her feel safe.

So Abby refused to feel embarrassed or try to reason why it wasn't creepy at all and went to the bathroom. She took her shirt off and put yours on quickly, before she'd change her mind.

Spice and mint, so familiar and so soothing as if you were in her arms again. Abby squeezed the material in her fingers to feel it and inhaled again. Fuck.

Abby went back to the living room and laid on the couch, convincing herself to maybe play a video game to get her mind off you, but she just didn't feel like it. She just turned the TV on to make some kind of white noise, but her thoughts were not leaving her.

Your scent made her hands itch. Abby wanted to hug you like you always did on Thursdays, when you'd fall asleep and Abby would carry you to your room.

Have you thought of her in that way?

Has she?

Ellie's question echoed through her head. Abby thought it would be hard to even imagine - she now knew she liked you, but would she want to be close with you? What if she was confusing her romantic interest and her love for you as a friend? What if she'd get weirded out by the idea of being intimate with you because well, you were a girl?

Have you thought of her in that way?

But suddenly there was a picture of you leaving hickeys on her abs, looking at her through your eyelashes as your warm lips would touch her skin. Abby sighed, shocked at how easy it was and how much it turned her on, the fantasy was so real it made her press her thighs together to relieve the sweet pain between her legs.

If Abby just closed her eyes she could pretend you were there with her and she was smelling your scent on your skin instead of your t-shirt, and it was your hand that was now under the waistband of her pants.

Were you going down on Vi when you left those hickeys on her?

Would you go down on her?

Abby's face was hot, her whole body was hot, she was breathing so fast as her fingers circled her clit.

Fuck, never in her life she's been so turned on, her lower stomach was already tight, ready to break loose and drown Abby in pleasure.

Abby buried her nose deeper in your t-shirt.

Would you talk to her while you'd fuck her? Would you tell her to cum for you? Because she definitely would, the second your warm lips would touch her ear and you'd say in your quiet raspy voice, "cum for me, baby".

"Fuck!" Abby sobbed and came so hard the world stopped existing for a moment.

Abby opened her eyes, coming down from her high and taking her soaked hand out of her pants. She wiped her hand on her pants and stared at the ceiling.

She just got off on you. Fucking hell, she just got off on you what was wrong with her?

to: els

can you come over?

I fucked up

from: els

Bro wtf

omw

Abby went to the bathroom to wash her hands, her thoughts reeling, her feelings jumping from anxiety to shame to arousal as she replayed the fantasy without even wanting to - it just flashed before her eyes. She didn't mean to- it felt wrong, to use your image like this.

Abby washed her face and chuckled - well, at least now she knew she wasn't weirded out by gay sex. And yesterday she thought she was a homophobe, so that was a major improvement in character. Try to find a bright side, right?

Finally the bell rang and Abby woke up from her brain mush and went to open the door. Ellie came in, clearly sleepy and still puffy from the hangover - she could say whatever she wanted but the girl was a lightweight and should not have tried to match Abby.

"What happened?" Ellie looked at the clothing rack. "Is (y/n) home?"

"No." Abby's heart stopped for a second. "I don't know where she is."

"Another hookup?"

Abby flinched and Ellie looked at her a little longer: she was on the verge of tears.

"Abby, what happened?"

"I came home and Vi was here and I told her she should train more instead of fucking my roommate." Abby's voice started shaking as she tried to keep her tears at bay. "Then (y/n) got mad and I got mad and I said that she turned our place into a brothel. She told me to fuck off and left." The last words Abby said in a tiny voice and she finally broke. "Ellie, what do I do?"

"Woah-woah." Ellie hugged Abby and patted her head. "Okay. Okay, let's go sit and then we'll talk."

Abby calmed herself down while Ellie went to the kitchen and took two beers out of the fridge. She opened them with her bare hands and handed one to Abby as she sat down next to her on the floor.

"So you got super jealous and called her a slut." Ellie summarised.

"Yeah. I also jerked off to her scent." Ellie snorted.

"You're a mess."

"I know. Yesterday I just realised I'm a lesbian and today this shit happened. I'm so fucking confused."

"Do you like her?"

"Obviously." She deadpanned. "I've never-" Abby huffed, frustrated she even had to admit it. "I've never got off on a fantasy about someone, I feel like that's enough of a sign."

"Okay. So you fucked up. And you like her." Ellie summarised again. "I say you need to take a day and just digest this, sort yourself out, you know? And then apologise and confess."

Ellie sounded perfectly reasonable until the last part. Did Ellie forget about the part how a) it'd hurt when Abby would get rejected b) it'd become weird living together because it would c) Abby would lose you?

"Are you insane? I'll ruin everything." Abby rolled her eyes and took a swig of her beer, not feeling optimistic.

"Okay, bitch, listen. Right now she thinks you hate her and judge her and I don't know, that you'd kick her out because you're a judgmental prude. It's already fucking ruined." Abby's chest hurt at these words. She was such an asshole to you. "So you can fix it. At least she'll know she didn't do anything wrong. Right now you're hurting you both. Yeah, maybe she doesn't like you, but I have a feeling that she does."

"How can you possibly know that?" Abby asked, sceptical. I have a feeling wasn't enough to risk it all and get her heart broken.

"All her girls are built like tanks and most of them are blonde."

"That's her type." Abby shrugged.

"Then you're her fucking type, dumbass. I also tried to make a move on her during your fight in October and she didn't fucking notice it because she was staring at you the whole time. She probably noticed, actually, but she ignored me because you were there in your slutty uniform. Maybe if she doesn't like you yet, she'll still give you a chance. Anyway, what's the alternative? Pining after her like an idiot and not shooting your shot? That's stupid. Either case you can lose her." 

Abby nodded, thinking about Ellie's words, but still not convinced. 

"Or, what if she likes you? What if you say nothing and suffer just to find out a few years later your feelings were mutual? 'Oh yeah, I liked you back then' how would that feel?"

Abby stared at Ellie as if she just got slapped in the face. That felt even more awful than getting rejected: what if she did have a chance with you? What if her confession would open this possibility? What if the only reason why you wouldn't see her like that would be because you thought she was straight?  

“Yeah, okay. I need to think about it.” Abby said, too tired of the emotional rollercoaster of the last two days.