Hey guys, since I never did a post for my impromptu fics and my general Masterpost is starting to die with the amount of links it has, Iâve decided to condense all my work for the year in one place. I hope you enjoy reading. My favorites will have *** Before the title. (The previous masterpost will be linked at the end).
Multichaptered:
*** Donât Let the Sun Go Down on Me: Dan and Phil wake up hungover after an eventful night out in Vegas and now have to deal with the consequences. (Angst with a happy ending) wc:17k.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 Â COMPLETE Â
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*** Kiss From a Rose: Phil is a hawker trading from town to town and looking for an adventure, but when he is caught out in a storm, a beautiful stranger becomes his only hope. (Slow burn - au- spoilers in the last tag) wc: 14k. -- WINNER FOR THE PHANFIC AWARDS - BEST HISTORICAL FIC.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Â TIMESTAMP (rated E)Â COMPLETE Â
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***Symphony of Destruction: When Phil falls terminally ill Dan vows to do anything necessary to save him and a mysterious stranger offers his help. Dan should have known not to trust a deal too good to be true, now Phil has to find a way to fix his mistakes. (Angst with a happy ending - au). wc: 11k
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. COMPLETE
***Le Roi: Daniel James Howell looked at himself in the lavish  mirror in front of him. The intricately embroidered flowers in his  clothes were mesmerizing. He wished he could stay in his suite and paint  them, but he had been invited to Chateau Versailles for the celebration  to honour the second birthday of Princess Marie ThÊrèse.
So far  he had become popular among the french for his portraits of barely  dressed women with mildly scandalous undertones. Lovers all across Paris  had hired his services to immortalize the object of their desire for  posterity, but Daniel wanted more. (Fluff with some mild angst. Strangers to lovers with a happy ending.) Wc: 11.3 k
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 COMPLETE
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One Shots (In chronological order)
* New Begginings: An uptight paleontologist gets the invitation of a lifetime, the rockstar invites himself; an involuntary and horrifying adventure follows. (Jurassic Park au, getting together). X 3.8k
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* Servus Sanesco Sanctimonia: After Phil casts an unknown spell, he finds himself unable to stay away from his sworn enemy - quite literally.
(Hohwarts au, enemies to lovers) X 5.8k
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* Chance Encounters: Excerpt: Â Dan looked in the mirror, fixed his straight hair, put on a scarf and a leather jacket. He was due to patrol the streets and with most of the Shadowhunter team focusing on following the leads to Valentine, he had taken it upon himself to keep an eye out for trouble and for Phil Lester - and he wasnât so sure that those two things werenât synonyms. He took his bow and arrows and headed for the door. (shadowhunters au strangers to lovers) X 2k.
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* Human: Phil is a Police officer and former Blade Runner who wants to be left alone, but fate will put him to the task of investigating a new lead regarding a Replicant. To his surprise, heâs met one of the suspects before. (Blade Runner au, Strangers to lovers) X 3.3k
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* I Got You, Babe: Dan gets surprising and life-changing news and decides to keep them to himself - for a little bit. What could go wrong?
(fluff) X 1.8k
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* Somebody To Love: He was a demon on a mission. His devilish curls shone in the sunlight and his yellow eyes were guarded behind his sunglasses as he drove his black car as fast as it would go. He needed to get to his best friend right away. (Good omens au, angst with a happy ending) X Â 2k
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* Home: Dan comforts Phil. (hurt/comfort). X 400
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* Wild Tale: Danâs wedding to long time sweetheart, Robert, was the day he had been planing for a long time. What could possibly go wrong? (au, smut, rated E, drama, happy ending) X 2.7k
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* King of Erotic Massages: Phil is too stressed, Dan decides to give him a hand⌠among other things. (Smut, rated E) X 1.9k
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* Caught with my hand in the cookie jar: Phil catches neko Dan masturbating. (Smut, getting together, rated E). X 3k
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* El Duelo - Kiss From a Rose Timestamp: He didnât know how many hours had passed when he felt the bed dip beside him. His mind couldnât quite realize what was happening until he felt a ghosting breath above him and the softness of Philâs lips on his own. Daniel brought his left hand to the back of Philâs neck and traced the skin there softly before lacing his fingers in the long black hair and pulling gently. Phil gasped and moaned softly.
âDaniel, please,â he begged breathlessly.
âAre you sure?â Daniel mumbled against his lips.âYes,â Phil groaned. (Smut, rated E). X
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* Twinkle Twinkle Little Nightmare: When their friend goes missing, Phil, Tom and Chris venture into the woods to find him but find a strange boy instead. (Stranger things au, Kid fic). X 11k
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* Rain: When their dinner date gets ruined, the boys need to find a way to make it work. (Slice of life). X 2.9 k Collab with Schnaf.
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* If I Ainât Got You: Phil wakes up feeling particularly fond for Dan and all the growth heâs done. A lazy morning talk about the future. (Fluff/ Slice of life.) X wc: 858
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* Everything I Wanted: Dan dreams and dreams of what his life could have been if he had gotten everything he ever wanted - the what ifs that pale in comparisson to what he had now. (Hurt / Comfort. Fluff.) X wc: 4.9k
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* A Forever Home: Moving is a stressful process but itâs worth it in the end. (Moving Fic / Fluff). X wc: 4.3k
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*** Tempus Fugit: Phil finds a letter on the bed. This is the content of said letter. (Extreme fluff). X wc: 561
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* The Dog Father: Danâs dog leads him straight into the arms of a handsome man at the Dog Park. (Fluff / au alternative meeting). X Wc: 1k.
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*** The Demon: Phil thinks his new neighbor is awfully suspicious. (Pwp - ish). X Wc: 965 Rated M.
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* Official: Itâs Danâs 19th Birthday and he decides to spend it at the park with a special someone. (Fluff) X Wc: 531
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*** Cursed: There once was a doll that waited and waited until the right family came along. Or how Phil found a cursed doll and decided to adopt it. (Angst with a happy ending / Cursed Doll POV - mildly spooky). X Wc: 1.2k
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* I've Put a Spell on You and Now You're Mine: Phil detests the other witch in town and he's not afraid to show it. (Witch au / Smut) X Wc: 1.4k. Rated E
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* Forever Yours (Sequel to Tempus Fugit): Phil is looking for Dan but finds a letter instead. (Fluff) X Wc: 565
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*** How I Met My Boyfriend (Horror) - Not clickbait: Phil senses something strange in the shower and comes out of that situation with a video Idea. (Smut / mildly spooky) X Wc: 1.6k (WINNER FOR THE PHANFIC AWARDS 2020 FOR BEST HORROR FIC). Rated E
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* Hold My Hand: Dan starts running and working in bettering himself. This is his journey. (introspection) X wc: 677
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* Wish: When Dan felt like he had no one in the entire world, he wished for a friend and beautiful boy appeared in his mirror. (angst with a happy ending). X Wc: 1k
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* A Balancing Act: Phil is trying to balance work with life and love. Maybe itâs time for a change of pace. (Instrospection / Slice of life) X Wc: 649
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* Rotten Luck: Dan had always had rotten luck, but sometimes to win, you need to lose. (Au/ alternative meeting) X Wc: 912
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*** Love of My Death: Dan is a crime novelist working on his new book and Phil is the supportive boyfriend who he bounces ideas with. (mildly spooky au / fluff). X Wc: 1.4k
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* Breathe: Dan is masturbating too loudly and Phil has had enough. (They were roommates) X Wc: 764. Rated E.
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* Pyajama week 2020: An unhinged recount of Pyjama week 2020 inside Philâs mind. (Slice of life) X Wc: 919.
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* stalk him until he loves you: Phil keeps getting comments and replies from the same guy so he decided to give him a follow. (2009 thirsting, rated G). X Wc: 559
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*** Beautiful Stranger: Dan goes to a club looking for a hookup ... and he finds one. (Smut, Rated E) X wc: 863
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* The Monster Bunch: Omega Dan and Alpha Phil take their kids trick or treating. (Parent Phan, fluff) X wc: 2.3k
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*** The Literal Other Half: Dan arrives at Manchester University and feels a bit lost, luckily he  gets an upperclassman as a tour guide and mentor of sorts. Coffee dates,  friends and a lot of laughter finally enter his life - along with love. (University au, soulmates au, Rated E) X Wc: 10.3k
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* Iâll Be The First To Blow Your Mind (Sequel to beautiful stranger): After hooking up at the club, Phil invites Dan over to his flat. Dan, of course, says yes. (Smut, Rated E). X Wc: 1.3k
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* Groupie: Dan follows a punk band with a hot lead singer around a lot but feels crushed when he watches a live interview. (rockstar au). XÂ Wc: 1.1k
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* Parched: Phil stumbles through the woods and finds a strange house. (Alice in wonderland au). X Wc: 785
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* Tomorrow Will Be Better: Dan is away for a family vacation so they have a phone call. (Fluff, 2010 India). X Wc: 518
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* Devilishly Endearing: Dan and Phil are making a mess in Karen's kitchen, luckily for them, she thinks they are cute. (Fluff) X Wc: 869
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* A day in the life: Dan and Phil take a walk through the park on a beautiful autumn day. (Slice of life). X Wc: 661
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* Love Your Body (Sequel to Beautiful Stranger and Iâll Be the First to Blow Your Mind): Dan and Phil are interrupted by everyoneâs worst nightmare. (Smut, Rated E). X Wc: 1.2k
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* My Power, My Pleasure, My Pain: It is Phil and Danielâs anniversary and Phil has a special present for him. (Smut, established relationship). X Wc: 1.2k
Part of the Kiss from a Rose series: Main fic | Timestamp (Smut.)
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* It gets better: Dan writes an open letter to the community for Pride Month. (Pride, inclusion). X Wc: 741.
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* Beyond Scared: Teen Dan and Phil decide to play with a ouija board in the forest and make contact with the beyond. (Spooky, mild angst with a happy ending.) X Wc: 1k
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* Sleepy Hollow: Young constable Daniel Howell is sent to look into a series of murders in Sleepy Hollow but with a little investigation he finds that the story is much bigger than that. (horror, happy ending). X WC: 1.7k.
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* Fallinâ for You: Dan still remembers all the five hour Skype calls, the long nights texting and giggling in the dark, whether he was at home or away on vacations - he still remembers what it was when they first fell in love. (Fluff, fond nostalgia). X Wc: 557
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*Â Haunted!: Phil invites Dan over to his channel to tell some scary stories that donât leave Dan a bit ... spooked. (Mildly spooky). X Wc: 749
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Summary: Dan is a baker in his thirties, feeling the weight of the passage of time on his shoulders, living a content yet uneventful life until a mysterious man takes it upon himself to whisk him away.
Rating: G
Tags/warnings: Strangers to lovers, meet cute, non youtuber au.
Author's Note: Written for the @phandomgiftexchange as a gift to @husbants. Thank you for being amazing Nikki and for continuing this lovely tradition. I hope you enjoy it! thank you @effingmeteors for reading this over.
Total Word Count: 2.5k
Read on Ao3
Dan pulled out a massive cake from the oven and set it on the counter before he dropped it by accident - again. He shut the oven door and straightened up with a groan, hearing his back pop. âJesus fuck,â he mumbled. No matter what his nNan said, sometimes Dan couldnât help but feel age catching up to him. Maybe thirty years old was too old to be working this much, as Adrian said, but he just loved baking and running his little coffee shop, meeting new people and learning about their lives when they were up to talking or just observing them and coming up with his own stories for them.Â
You see, Dan was proud of the crowd his shop attracted with its various plants and speciality baking, the Colombian coffee and the books readily available for those who wished to immerse themselves in an alternate universe. His patrons were usually bohemian university students, established couples on a quiet date out, and artists who wished to spend hours enjoying the place and eating his various creations as they sketched a new piece. Sadly, the piano he had available hadnât been touched in the three years since the grand opening, but he could dream.Â
The bell on the door dinged welcoming the first clients of the day and pulling him from his thoughts. He fixed his posture and smiled widely. âGood morning, Adeleine, how is Richard fairing?â Dan asked his older neighbour and frequent visitor.
âOh, you know how he is! He says he will be fine but I told him to get some proper rest until Monday. His back is not what it used to and he needs to accept that. We are all ageing as it is,â Adeleine said, swishing her little coin purse as she looked at the pastry display.
âYou are quite right,â Dan nodded, hating the fact that he had so much in common with the elderly couple. âWhat would you like this time?â
âIâll take 4 pain au chocolates for Richard, and for me⌠Ugh, I shouldnât but I canât resist your eclairs. You are simply too talented for your own good.â
âYou flatter me,â Dan said, waving her off as he picked the pastries one by one and put them in a small golden tray with an intricate flower design on the edges. âYou get one extra just for being my favourite patron.â He winked.
Adeleine laughed loudly but cleared her throat when she saw a man walk in. Dan hadnât seen him around before but the guy was breathtakingly gorgeous and if the look she was giving Dan was anything to go by, Adeleine agreed. Dan took a calming breath, trying to keep his nerves in check but he almost burst out laughing when she wiggled her eyebrows at him.
âAnything else?â Dan asked her with an awkward cough.
âNo, thatâll be all, sweety,â she said, grabbing the now packaged pastries and handing him the money. âThank you, see you on Monday!â
âOf course! Send Richard my well wishes,â Dan smiled.
She nodded and made her way to the exit way too slowly for her usual pace. Dan rolled his eyes and snorted, knowing that Adelaine was just trying to have more time to ogle the newcomer.Â
âWelcome to Sweet Juliet,â Dan said with what he hoped was a warm smile instead of the painful expression he was picturing in his mind. âWhat would you like to enjoy?â
The man lifted a carefully manicured eyebrow and gave him a sly smile. Dan had never been ashamed of the little phrases he had crafted to make his store special, but he did feel the heat rising to his cheeks at the expression the guy made.
âHi,â he said, leaning on the pastry display. âIâm new in the area but Iâve heard good reviews. What would you recommend for me?â
Dan felt all moisture leaving his throat as he followed the line of the guyâs neck past the two open buttons of his shirt, briefly catching a glimpse of a rosy nipple. Not that Dan was being a creep or anything, but he was just too beautiful and the way he was standing and his inky black hair and blue eyes and -â
âDan?â he asked.
âOh,â Dan blinked repeatedly. He had spaced out for a bit. âHow do you know my name?â
âItâs in your tag,â the guy laughed. He actually laughed, as if he hadnât already thought Dan was a fucking dork for his stupid little greeting.
Dan sputtered at his own stupidity and decided that the safest option was to pretend nothing happened. âRight, anyway⌠I recommend the mocha latte with the Sweet Juliet Tray. If you like sweets, that will give you a taste of everything.Â
âSounds perfect,â he smiled. âWhen do you get off?â
Dan gasped, his eyes wide as saucers. âWhat?!â
âFrom work! Sorry, Iâm just -â he laughed, looking a little shy for the first time. âIâm so sorry! Letâs start over, Iâm Phil.âÂ
âAlright,â Dan smiled. Realising he was actually the culprit of the misunderstanding, of course, Phil hadnât been asking about that, but since he took the fault for it, Dan was not going to argue on the matter. He needed to at least pretend to have a brain to impress this guy. âHi, PhilâŚâ
âHi, Dan! Iâll take that mocha with the Juliet tray. And if youâd be so kind, I would like your number, Dan.â Phil gave him a half smile, turning the charm on once again but Dan was not going to make it that easy for him.
âHmm⌠How do I know youâre not a serial killer?â Dan asked, only half joking. The guy was too fucking handsome to be chasing little old Dan, on the other hand, people die every day and who was Dan to refuse such an opportunity. Was there really a better way to go?
âI think people would find me easily,â Phil said, his smile dropping slightly.
Dan wondered about the change in his demeanour but tried to keep the joke rolling. âAre you bad at hiding?â
âMost of the time, yeah,â Phil shrugged, his smile entirely vanished now.Â
âWell, Iâll think about it while you enjoy your mocha, Phil.â Dan said, trying not to sound too bummed about his terrible fail at flirting. How did he even manage to fuck up when he had already been invited to go out on a date?
Phil shook his head, his expression softening. âI should have brought flowers, but how could Iâve ever known I would be meeting you?â
âWow, youâre really good at this,â Dan commented as he started to prepare the order. Maybe it was best to just let things be. âBut Iâm afraid youâre coming a bit too strong.â
âAlright, alright,â Phil said, raising his hands. âIâll just find myself a table for now.â
âOk, make sure to check our book selection,â he said, but Phil was already scanning the bookcase in search of a title until he gasped, and hurried back to his table with a thick tome in his hands.Â
Dan cocked his head as he read the title of the book in Philâs hands: âThe Lord of the Rings.â Who hasnât read the Lord of the Rings and why read it at a coffee shop? He put the mug and plate with pastries on a tray and brought them over to Philâs table, which was surprisingly tucked away in the darkest corner of the shop. After setting everything down, he turned on the lamp closest to the table to make sure Phil didnât strain his eyes too much. âEnjoy!â
âThank you!â Phil said and looked back down to the book, but when Dan stood there awkwardly, he just let out a little sigh and looked into Danâs eyes. âYes?â His smile was polite, yet small. It wasnât as bright as when heâd walked into the store and flirted with him.
âUm⌠may I ask why did you pick that book?â
âI just never got around to read it and I thought it would be a good idea since Iâve⌠since Iâm around at the moment.â
âHow are you planning to finish it?â
Phil shrugged. âWhy? Do you burn the books that have been read or something?â
Dan snorted. âNo, not at all.â
âThen I will just have to keep coming over to eat sweets and read here⌠unless that would be a problem for you.â
âThatâs why the books are there!â Dan waved him off. âItâs just that other people are also reading the same book so bookmarks tend to be moved and such, itâs a bit annoying unless you remember exactly where you left off.â
âAh, I see. I guess Iâll have to write it down somewhere.â
âNot in the book, please!â Dan gave him a horrified look.
âWhat do you take me for? An animal?â Phil asked, with an amused smile.
âYouâd be surprised at what people are capable of,â Dan said, sheepishly. âNow I have to watch everyone like a hawk just in case.â
âWill you be watching me then?âÂ
âYes.âÂ
âGood. Think about that date, will you?â
âIâll think about it,â Dan said as he rolled his eyes and smiled.
And so their little dance began. Phil came to have coffee and eat sweets with the excuse of catching up on his reading but spent at least half of the time watching Dan and giving him little smiles or holding his gaze until Dan began to squirm and blush. He tried his best not to humour Phil, but he couldnât help the way his smile grew little by little each time Phil came over and asked him out once again.Â
One fateful Monday afternoon, Dan couldnât keep his eyes off the door, silently telling himself how pathetic it was that he was desperate to see Phil again, but it seemed that he would not be coming. Two, his usual arrival time, came and went, then three and four, and by five Dan had already lost hope. Maybe Phil had finally had enough of him.
The sound of the bell startled Dan, bringing him back to reality but his expression rapidly morphed into a smile when he saw Phil walking in. The frown on his usually happy and composed face worried Dan but he tried to lighten the mood, joking with Phil, but this time it was like talking to a wall. There was no reciprocity, Phil looked almost on the verge of crying as he got his usual order and lost himself in the Lord of the Rings universe, not even bothering to look up from the book or say goodbye before leaving.
Having decided that maybe rejecting Phil had been a mistake, Dan promised himself that he would give Phil his number next time, or even ask him out himself if it came to it, but after two months since Philâs last visit, he realised that the opportunity had slipped through his fingers and he had only himself to blame.
---
Dan looked out the window as he mopped the floors, silently hating the raging storm bending the trees over, dragging trash bins across the road⌠causing his clients to have muddled the floors inside the shop and stayed over for the heater alone.Â
The door announced someoneâs arrival. At first, Dan couldnât tell who it was but he was also upset that the person walked in with their umbrella still open and dripping everywhere. He was about to make a snarky remark when the umbrella was finally set aside and Phil looked him in the eye with a loaded expression.
âCan I stay here until it stops raining?â he asked, water droplets running down his face, his hair sticking to his forehead just as if he hadnât even tried to use an umbrella.
âYeah, of course!â Dan said, feeling a bit awkward but still happy to see Phil after so long.
Philâs leg bounced way more than necessary as he waited for his order, then Dan handed him a towel, which Phil took with little reluctance. The book, however, he never made any move to grab it back.
âHave you abandoned Riverdale?â Dan asked, raising his eyebrows.
âI thought it was for the best,â Phil said, understanding the real meaning behind the question.Â
âI see,â Dan replied, pressing his lips into a line. âI thought we could speak next time.â
âWhy? What changed?â Phil asked, giving him an odd look.
âNothing! We just got to know each other a bit better.â
âAre you sure thatâs it?â Phil asked.
âYes, why would I lie?â Dan said, taken aback by whatever accusation Phil was throwing his way.
Phil stood from his seat and came to stand in front of Dan. They were so close Dan could smell his expensive perfume; he inhaled deeply without meaning to and let his eyes fall shut. âDo you know who I am?â Phil pressed.Â
Danâs eyes snapped open. âNoâŚ? Should I?â
Shaking his head, Phil walked over to the piano and started playing a song that sounded strangely familiar. It was, in fact, one of Danâs new favourite songs. If he was remembering correctly, the original piece had come out as an instrumental but two weeks after, another version with lyrics was released, it was said to be a collaboration between the pianist and his sister-in-law in honour of the newest member of their family. The pianist in question had teleported to the top of the charts overnight, gotten a record deal, launched an international tour and - apparently - gotten a bunch of stalkerish fans who wouldnât leave him alone. âAre you⌠Phil Lester? The guy who made this song? THE Phil Lester?â
âYes,â said Phil shyly. âI stopped going out much since the song blew up, but this coffee shop served me well to hide from fans several times since I moved to the area, thatâs why I kept coming, but my address was leaked a while ago and I had to move away again. Since you had rejected me so many times, I just took it as a sign that we should stop playing games if things are not going anywhere, you know? Weâre a bit too old for games anyway.â
âThat is true. I should have considered things more carefully,â Dan admitted. âFor some reason, I thought we would have more time and things would just flow between us.â
âWe ran out of time two months ago, but still, when the storm almost knocked me over, all I could think about was you, how you were doing⌠and I had to see you, one last time,â Phil said, biting his lip.Â
Danâs eyes and heart dropped to the fucking floor, he wanted to kick himself for missing his chance with Phil.
âI had to see if you still made the best sweets around.â
Letting out a sigh of relief, Dan laughed and swatted at Philâs chest. âIs that really the reason or did you just have to show me your âMr Darcy in the rainâ look?â Dan joked.Â
Phil looked at his reflection in the window and laughed. âI do look kind of hot.â
âKind of?â Dan scoffed. He walked over to the door and locked it before walking back to Phil and pressing their lips together in a sweet yet brief kiss. âWhy donât you go dry yourself in the bathroom? Iâll make us something nice for dinner.â
âWhat about dessert?â Phil asked.
âWeâll have plenty of that,â Dan said.
Phil smirked, wiggling his eyebrows. âYum!â
âI meant the cakes!â Dan laughed, but before he could continue to defend himself Phil pulled him into a heated kiss, though the heat lasted very shortly since Phil was very wet and got Dan entirely soaked as well, resulting in Dan chasing him around the shop with his favourite spatula in search of revenge. It was a good start for the rest of their lives.
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
This is basically the epilogue, thank you for joining me in this journey and I hope you enjoyed the ride.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 13: Two Man Team
January of 2019
Having spent the holidays with his family without telling them about Dan was harder than Phil had expected, but he needed to discuss the situation with Dan first. They of course knew that Dan had returned to YouTube and that they had rekindled their friendship, but Phil had avoided any further questions on the topic.Â
After a bit of back and forth, he and Dan decided that keeping appearances for Philâs birthday at the end of the month was not really an option, so they sat down on the sofa fumbling with Philâs phone, opening his mumâs contact and finally hitting the facetime button on accident when he almost dropped his phone to the floor.Â
âChild!â Philâs mother said.Â
Phil scrambled to set the camera to his face without showing Dan. âHi, Mum!â he replied, his voice cracking from the nerves as if he was 15 all over again. âHow are you?â
âDoing well, you know, tending to the garden,â she smiled. âWhatâs the matter?â
âNothing?â he said, sounding like it was definitely something.
âPhil, I am your mother. Donât try to lie, you are terrible at it.â
âI just - wanted to tell you something,â he said, biting his lip.
âAre you ill?â She asked, sounding quite concerned, her face falling.
âNo! Not at all. Iâm seeing someone,â he said and almost slapped himself. Dan gave him a reproachful look. They were a bit past the âseeing each otherâ stage.
âOh!â She said, her smile returning. âYou have a partner?â
âYes! I actually misspoke. I do have a partner,â he clarified.
âWell, thatâs quite nice. How long have you been together?â
Phil looked at Dan with wide eyes, there were so many possible answers to that question. Dan shrugged and mouthed an âOctober?â at him.
âUh, October - ish,â Phil said, looking back at her. âWe were seeing where things were going but we - made it official in October.â
âWhy didnât you bring them over for Christmas?â She asked.
She was trying not to push, Phil could tell, but after he posted his coming out, there was no need to keep beating around the bush. âHe, Mum, we can say it. Itâs a man.â
She laughed, letting out a happy sigh. âOh, Iâm glad, Child. I didnât want to assume or offend you. You know how much your father and I love you, we just want you to be happy.â
Phil did know, but he smiled nonetheless. âYeahâŚâ
âWhat can you tell me about your partner - boyfriend?â
âItâs D-Dan!â he said, with a nervous laugh. âAnd⌠well, you know Dan.â
âOh, dear! I love Dan! What a sweet boy! Oh, Phil, that is just wonderful,â she said, sounding genuinely happy. âSince October?â she prodded, narrowing her eyes.
Phil laughed and looked at Danâs beaming face, gesturing for him to speak up, but Dan only made a silly face at him.
âYes!â Phil said. âI swear, since October. We took things slowly because of⌠the time we were apart.â
âHiiii!â said Dan as Phil turned the phone towards him.
âOh, hi love! How have you been?â She asked, âCan you hear me?â
âYes, he can hear you,â Phil said.
âIâm doing well, very happy,â Dan said, with that tone heâd always used with Philâs mum. He had always been a sweet talker.
âThatâs all that matters then! Phil, you have to bring him over for your birthday!â
âYes!â Dan said before Phil could reply. âI accept the invitation!âÂ
Phil poked his side as they both laughed. âWeâll be there for the weekend.â
âMartyn and Cornelia are coming as well!â She said.Â
âWho is that?â Asked Philâs dad in the background.
âItâs Phil! Do you want to talk to him?â
His father didnât reply to her and just grabbed the phone. âHello, son,â he said merrily. âAre you coming to us for your birthday?â
âYeah,â he said and hesitated for only a second but that was enough.
âHe has a boyfriend!â His mum said, sounding almost more excited about it than Phil.
âOh! A boyfriend! Thatâs nice. Is he treating you well?â
âNo, heâs horrible to me!â Phil said, theatrically.
âShut up!â said Dan, blushing and slapping his arm.
âI know that voice! Donât I know that voice?â Philâs dad asked away from the phone.
âItâs Dan!â said his mum.
âYeah, Itâs Dan,â said Phil, still giggling about his little joke and the effect it had on Dan.
âHi, Dan!â His dad said. âYou found yourself a nice boyfriend there?â
Dan squished his face to Philâs to be in frame âSometimes Iâm inclined to believe that no,â he laughed.
âIâll have you know Iâm a wonderful boyfriend,â Phil said.
Dan gave him a look and a cheeky smile. âHe leaves every cupboard open after making coffees he doesnât actually drink until they are cold.â
âSpend a lot of time with him?â Philâs dad asked, reading between the lines.
âHe stayed over one day and never left,â Phil said, with a laugh.
âDonât say that, they will think Iâm just leeching here,â Dan said, swatting at him. âI moved in recently, when my lease was up.â
âYou could have come for Christmas then,â commented Philâs mum.
âHis family wanted him with them as well, Mum. Donât worry, I will drag him over soon.â
âGood, you do that,â Philâs father said. âDan, take care of him for me.â
âI will,â Dan said with a small smile.
âSee you then,â Philâs dad said. âBye!â
âBye!â Dan and Phil said in unison, making his mum laugh.
âBye, boys!â She said and disconnected the call.
âThat went better than expected,â Dan said, pressing a small kiss to his lips.
âIt was good,â Phil agreed and wrapped his arms around Danâs frame. âIâm glad that they were so calm about it.â
âItâs because they knew, or they suspected. Your dad definitely knew.â
âHe has been onto us since the beginning.â
Dan tsked. âI donât think we were as slick as we thought we were.â
âProbably not,â Phil snorted.
---
When the weekend of Philâs birthday finally rolled around, he and Dan were in a bit of a panic.
Even though the phone call with the announcement had gone fairly well, it was a bit nerve wracking for Phil because he had never officially introduced anyone as a boyfriend. His family knew that he was gay but it wasnât something that he really talked about. They had sort of figured it out on their own and were kind enough not to bother him about it. And Dan was nervous to see Philâs parents again as Philâs boyfriend, this was also a new experience for him and he was still getting used to being out of the closet.
As soon as they set foot in his parentsâ house, Philâs mum pulled Dan into a hug and pinched his cheek, which was quite hard because of the height difference. Still, Dan bent down and let her enjoy herself. He beamed as Philâs parents welcomed him in without a hint of awkwardness.Â
âGo take your bags upstairs and come back down to sit by the fire, weâll be right over with some tea,â his mum said, gesturing to the sofas by the fireplace on her way to the kitchen with her husband in tow.Â
Phil didnât need to be told twice. With the wind raging outside and snow threatening to fall, by the fire was exactly where he wanted to be. He took Danâs coat and put it away before leading his boyfriend to one of the two guest bedrooms. It was decorated in muted colours and consisted of a double bed, two bedside tables and a few decorative items. Phil looked around and sighed, wishing that they were still at his old family home; this one didnât hold the same memories.
Dan wrapped his arms around him, hugging him from behind. âEverything ok?â He asked, resting his chin on Philâs shoulder.
âYeah, I was just thinking.â
âWhat about?â Dan said, pressing a kiss to his cheek.
âI wish we could go back to the old house.â
âHmm, the place where we first got together,â Dan mused. âThat would be nice, but we can make new memories here.â
âYeah,â Phil said and turned around, resting his arms on Danâs shoulder and leaning in for a kiss.
Dan shoved his cold hands under Philâs hoodie making him squirm and jump back with a laugh.Â
âYou beast!â Phil said.
âBetter?â Dan smirked.
âYeah, but Iâll get you later!â
âCanât wait,â Dan said, wiggling his eyebrows and walking out the door.
Phil shook his head and followed after him, catching up to Dan who was already on the sofa and sitting at his side, leaving the two armchairs across the coffee table for his parents.
Dan stretched his arms towards the fire and rubbed them together. âI am finally starting to feel my fingers again.â
âI wish I could climb inside the fire,â Phil added and Dan gave him a warning look. âIt was just an expression.âÂ
He knew that Phil was not being serious but with how prone to accidents he was, they could never be too safe. âI miss having a fireplace,â lamented Dan and Phil made a mental note of that.
âAt least we have an aircon,â Phil commented, rubbing Danâs back.
âTrue, but itâs hard to appreciate it during the winter months.â
âHere we are!â Philâs mum said, walking over and narrowly avoiding dropping the tray before setting it down on the coffee table. âMilk, Dan?â She gave them a little smile when she saw Philâs hands on Danâs back.
âYes, please,â Dan said, clearing his throat.
His dad sat down and reached for his own cup, adding sugar and stirring before taking a sip and smiling happily.
âYou look so handsome,â his mum said, handing the cup to Dan. âIs this your natural hair?â
âNo, I got a perm,â Dan laughed and Phil saw him relaxing a bit into his spot on the sofa. He took a sip of his tea and hummed. âYes, it is my natural hair. I just didnât like it before.â
âI think itâs an improvement from your previous look,â she smiled, blowing into her cup as she stirred her tea.
âOh, absolutely,â he said, pausing. âSo, how are you two doing? Do you enjoy living on the Island?â
Philâs dad nodded. âYes, I think this is one of the best decisions we ever made. We loved our house, but this is the perfect place to retire to.â
âWe like to go on walks around the cliffs on most days,â she added. âI find the sea breeze refreshing and calming.â
âSounds like paradise,â Dan said.
Phil could tell what his parents were hinting at so he decided to stir the conversation away from that topic. âWhen are Mar and Corn getting here?â He said, finally reaching for his own cup and taking a tentative sip, humming gleefully when he tasted the honey.
âTomorrow, sometime after 3, I believe,â his dad said.
âGood!â Phil replied. âI think he will be happy to see Dan again.â
âDoes Martyn know?â His mother asked.
âNo. I mean, he probably did, but no, nobody knew for certain. Just Mark and his boyfriend and we told Anja recently.â
Dan nodded. âWe were not trying to be super secretive about it, but we wanted to make sure that things were working properly before we told anyone else, if that makes sense?â
âCan I ask something?â She asked.
âOf course, anything,â Dan said, and Phil was tempted to say that maybe not anything but kept quiet.
âYou know, Phil never said anything to us, but I thought you were dating back in the day. Then it made sense to me that Phil didnât bring any girls over, just you. And Anja.â
âIt was not like that with Dan - or with Anja.â
Dan made a noncommittal face. âIt was kind of like that, but not really. We liked each other, definitely, but we werenât officially dating, I would say.â
âWe werenât,â Phil said. âAnd Anja is a lesbian; she has had a girlfriend since⌠2011 I believe. I introduced them.â
âYou didnât date Anja then?â She asked.
Phil shook his head. âNo, she stayed because I was her gay friend and she knew it was safe.â
âOh, and then she came over with a girl⌠and you slept on the sofa.â She pressed her hand to her forehead. âI thought you were just embarrassed to send her friend to the sofa to have some privacy,â she said in wonder.
âMum!â Phil said, feeling the heat rising to his face. âI would have never done that with you in the house.âÂ
Dan laughed.
âAre all of your friends gay?â His dad asked.
Phil hummed. âNot every single friend, but I would say that most friends Iâve made in the last few years are gay. We just understand each other better.â
Dan nodded. âI grew up and found out that not only were some of my bullies gay but most of my friends too, even though none of us were out at the time, and some of us didnât even know yet.â
âI suppose that you find people that you can relate to and have things in common, if thatâs being gay, or knitting, or having a book club, right?â His mum asked.
âThatâs a good point,â Dan said.
Then his dad looked at Phil and caught him off guard. âDan stayed over quite often when travelled,â he commented with an amused smile, apparently realising what Phil hadnât meant to imply before.
Phil coughed but his mum was thankfully ready to save him.
âItâs so wonderful that you are back together now,â She said.Â
Dan nodded. âIt took some time, but he thankfully listened to me when I apologised and explained myself.â
âPhil can be a little stubborn,â she conceded.
âHe was more than a little stubborn, but I deserved it,â Dan said. âIt was not easy, but Iâm glad he had it in him to forgive me,â he reached towards Phil and laced their fingers together.Â
The butterflies in Philâs stomach were still there and he could feel himself blushing, but when he looked at his parents he saw nothing but acceptance and perhaps a little relief that he wasnât going to die alone after all.
âYou seem like a good match,â his dad said with a gentle smile.Â
Philâs heart burst with happiness. He could hear the pride in his fatherâs voice, the pride he had wanted to hear his entire life. âThank you,â he said, clearing his throat as he tried to not get overly emotional.
âSo how is⌠work?â His dad asked.
âQuite good,â Phil said, feeling thankful to have something else to focus on. âI have exciting projects going and Dan too.â
âAnything you can share?â He asked.
âNot yet, but you will know soon enough,â Phil said.
âPlease give us a warning if itâs something important so we donât hear about it from the neighbours,â his mum said.
Phil winced and mumbled an âAlright.â He took a long sip from his cup. âI didnât tell them before posting my coming out,â he mumbled in Danâs general direction.
âYou didnât tell them before posting?â Dan asked, looking at Phil out of the corner of his eye.
âNo, he doesnât tell us much these days,â She said, a bit too dramatically.
âDonât say that, I just figured you knew already,â Phil said, snorting. âAnd I forgot.â
âWe knew but we didnât know!â She said. âAnd then we watched Danâs video - which was so wonderful by the way - and we finally got some idea of what went on in your life.â
Phil huffed, starting to get a bit annoyed.
âThank you,â Dan said. âIt was a lot of work but Iâm glad that you liked it.â He squeezed Philâs hand in support.
Phil was grateful that his boyfriend knew how to suck up to his mum and stir the conversation away from him and how bad of a son he was.
âIt was very emotional,â she said. âI quite enjoyed it, even though it had some sad parts. I wish you didnât have to go through that.â She looked at Dan with deep sadness in her eyes.
âWell, it all turned me into a person Iâm proud to be today,â Dan said.Â
âWe are proud of you too, Dan,â his dad said and before Dan could react, he continued. âActually, if you could come with me, I want to show you something.â He got up to his feet.
âOf course,â Dan said and followed him to his office, throwing Phil a confused look over his shoulder.
âCome,â Philâs mum whispered then. She grabbed their coats and took his hand, pulling him through the sliding door and out to the garden.     Â
âItâs way too cold to be out,â Phil said, sipping his jacket on and pulling his gloves out of his pocket.
âOh, it will boost your immune system,â she said, holding onto his arm as they walked slowly in circles around the garden. âI wanted to see how you were doing.â
âI told you, I am happy with Dan.â He interlaced his fingers to make sure his gloves were properly fitted.
âI know, I know. You do look happy, but I worry sometimes,â she said. âAfter Dan left - you werenât the same for a long time. I donât think you are the same, even now.â
âNeither is he. We both went through quite a bit of pain together and on our own,â Phil admitted. âAnd nobody is the same at 31 than at twenty-something.â
âThatâs fair. I am just a bit scared for you too, even though I know Dan is a good boy.â
âWe will be alright this time, Mum,â he reassured her. âThe thing you donât understand is that with him in the closet and me being only partially out, things were never going to work. At the time Dan wasnât even able to accept himself, so dealing with that publicly on top of our feelings was too much.âÂ
âMy heart breaks for him,â she said. âIâm sure the relationship will work this time.â She patted Philâs arm
âYou can never be 100% sure of anything, but it took almost a year to get back to a place where we were comfortable enough to start dating again and we havenât had any major issues,â Phil said.Â
She let out a deep sigh of relief and smiled widely. âIâm glad to hear that, Child. You two deserve to be happy and it seems that you are determined to be together.â
âWhat do you mean?â
âOh, itâs nothing bad. You fought through any sort of problem that came your way to make it to the other side and I think thatâs what matters. No relationship comes without obstacles, the important thing is that you work to sort through them.â
He nodded. âDo you and Dad argue a lot now that you are retired?â
âNot much anymore,â she said, patting his hand. âWe know who we are and what to do to avoid creating arguments. And we still love each other.â
Phil smiled. âWhatâs your secret?â He asked.
Humming, she paused for a moment before replying. âDonât hang on to silly tiffs and never go to sleep angry. Solve your arguments before bed. Thatâs what your grandma told me and It worked well.â
âI will,â Phil said, getting lost in thought when he realised that the two year anniversary of his grandmaâs death was coming. He missed her so much.
His mum caught up to the reason for his silence. âShe was very proud of you, you know?â She said, âA few years ago, she asked if you were dating anyone and I told her that I believed so. That made her happy, even when I told her that it might be a boy.â
Philâs eyes welled up with tears briefly. He wished heâd had that conversation with her but she had gotten ill and passed before Phil could make his way back. He shouldnât have waited so long to talk to her about it. At least now he knew that she supported him. âDo you think she would have liked Dan?â he asked.
âShe would have loved to meet Dan, but she knew of him from YouTube,â she said.
Philâs eyebrows burrowed into a frown. âHow?â
âYou have to remember that Dan was the only person you brought home so I showed her a few of the videos you made together.â
âOh my god! What videos?â Phil asked, half amused, half horrified. A single tear slid down his cheek but he rubbed it away quickly. Sniffling through the laugh.
âOnly the more innocent ones,â she said, raising one eyebrow at him.
âI canât believe you showed her that. You like to gossip way too much,â Phil said.
She booped the tip of his nose. âAnd you took after me, so I donât want to hear it, dear.â
âAlright,â Phil said. âThank you for the advice and for showing grandma a part of me I didnât have the chance to share with her. It means more to me than you know.â He turned towards her and pulled her into a hug.
âYouâre welcome, dear,â she smiled. âLetâs go back inside, you are shaking like a leaf.â
They made their way back into the house and Phil could still hear his dadâs voice faintly mid-conversation.
â...You make him happy. We were so worried about him these past few years,â he said. âI wanted you to know that you will always be welcome in this house.â
âThank you, Mr Lester,â Dan said.
âNigel,â his dad said. âIn your video, you said that your father didnât take your ⌠email very well. Right?â
âNo,â Dan mumbled.Â
Phil followed their voices and stood in the hallway, shamelessly listening in.
âSometimes the people we love are the ones that hurt us the most, but the good thing is that we can find other people to love. We are your family, Dan.â
âI -â Dan paused. âThank you, you donât know how much this meansâŚâ
Phil turned around the corner and saw Dan hugging his dad tightly. He stood there for a moment, staring at the scene with a shocked smile and retreated to the downstairs bathroom to give them some privacy and compose himself. He looked in the mirror and smiled, still a little moved by his parentsâ reaction, he hadnât expected this much support from them, and now he felt guilty for ever doubting them.
After a few minutes, he joined his mother in setting the table.
Dinner went without a hitch and it came with a much lighter tone. They shared a bottle of wine over pasta and played Scrabble past midnight when his mum finally deemed the night over.
They said their goodbyes and climbed up the stairs to the guest bedroom. The bed looked so soft and comfortable it was basically screaming Philâs name. He slipped into his pyjamas quickly to avoid the biting cold and slid under the covers.
Dan snorted a laugh. âCold?â
âUh-huh. Arenât you?â Phil mumbled, only his eyes peeking from under his burrow.
âNot that much. I think the wine got to me.â He took off his jeans and pulled on a different hoodie before getting under the covers and scooching closer to Phil. âCome here,â Dan said, pulling him into a hug and dropping a kiss to the tip of his nose.
Phil sighed happily, slipping his fingers into the curls on the back of Danâs hair that was beginning to grow just a bit too long for Danâs taste. âLove you,â he said, leaning in for a slow kiss.
Danâs hold on him tightened, his hand sliding under Philâs pyjama top and resting on his lower back.Â
There was no urgency, no heat, just comfort and familiarity. Phil knew that if he chose to push Dan in the slightest way, he would probably jump at the opportunity to have sex, but they would have their fun at home. Home. The flat they shared for the time being before -
He smiled and broke the kiss, staring into Danâs eyes in the moonlight.
âWinter is my favourite. I love the cold because I can hold you like this and sleep without us drowning in a pool of sweat,â Dan laughed.
âWe can do this all year, you just have to program the aircon fairly low. You are like a tiny oven.â
âIâm not tiny,â Dan pouted.
âYou will always be the tiniest of babies to me,â Phil teased.
âShut up, old man,â Dan said, letting out a yawn. âBig spoon or little spoon?â
âMmmm, big spoon,â Phil said, wrapping his arms around Danâs torso when he turned around. He kissed Danâs shoulders and threw one leg over Danâs, tangling it between his feet and smiled.
âYouâre a weird one, Lester.â
âYour mum is weird,â Phil mumbled and shut his eyes.Â
âHappy birthday, Babe,â mumbled Dan.
âMmm, thanks.âÂ
This was going to be his best year, he could already tell.
---
The following morning, Phil woke up to his mum shaking him by the shoulder. He threw a hand over his eyes to let them adjust to the brightness. âMum!â Phil whines, stretching his hand in search of Dan.
âHappy birthday, love!â She said. âDan is already dressed and sitting down for breakfast. Wouldnât you like to join us?â
Phil groaned. Why did Dan have to suck up to his parents by getting up early too? It was his birthday, he could have slept in. âWhat time is it?â
âItâs eleven already, so up, up! Off you go to the bathroom,â she said. âI made pancakes!â
Philâs eyes widened. The one thing his mum didnât ruin or burn to a crisp. âAlright!â He said and got up, changing into a warmer hoodie and heading downstairs after a pit stop at the bathroom.
âA pit stop,â he mumbled to himself with a snort. He needed to stop watching Formula 1 with Dan.
âThere he is!â his dad said as soon as Phil walked into the kitchen, making him smile. âHappy birthday, son.â
âThank you,â Phil said.
Dan reached out to him and pulled him by the hand to sit at his side. He leaned in to kiss his cheek and whispered a âHappy birthday, Love,â into his ear.
Phil smiled so widely he thought his face might just split from the happiness and then he made eye contact with his mum, who had watched the interaction closely and blushed.
At least she looked happy for him but it was a bit embarrassing. On the other hand, Phil couldnât help but notice that Dan didnât completely avoid PDA, he just kept them at a minimum. It was not something that they had discussed, but Phil wouldnât have expected Dan to be ok with something like this after being in the closet for so long. It was a good birthday surprise.
âSleep well?â asked Dan.
Phil nodded, reaching across the table for his coffee mug.
âWell, wait a minute,â his mum said, squeezing lemon on top of his pancakes and sprinkling them with sugar before handing him the plate.
âDo you want to share?â He asked Dan.
âI already ate mine. These are all yours.â
âYou didnât wait for me?â Phil pouted.
âI was hungry, bitch. I woke up at 9!â Dan teased.
âWow, you should have woken me up!â
âPlease, I know how you get - and itâs your birthday.â Dan gave him a look.
âI donât know what you mean. I am a perfect angel,â Phil said.
Dan rolled his eyes at him and snorted.
âMartyn will be here around 3 so thatâs when I will serve the roast and we can cut the cake after. Is that ok?â his mum asked.
âYes,â Phil said. âOur flight itâs not until 9 so we can leave around 7.â
âWhat a pitty that you couldn't stay a bit longer,â his dad said.
âI know, Iâm sorry but we have work. We will visit again at some point,â Phil said.
âI hope that you can visit in a few months and stay over,â Dan said. âI am going on tour with a new project and I would love it if you could come.â
âOf course!â Philâs mum said. âWill your mother be there?â
âUm, sure. We can get tickets for both families on the same date,â Dan said.
âWonderful!â she said with a smile.
âWhen will it be?â Philâs dad asked.
âCloser to the end of the year. I will let you know exactly when the producers tell me,â Dan said.Â
Phil looked between Dan and his mum, smiling at how sweetly she was pushing him into a corner to make a family reunion happen as soon as possible even with them living on opposite ends of the country. Still, he decided to rescue his boyfriend.
âDo you need help with anything, Dad?â Phil asked.
âYes, actually! You can start chopping the onions and peeling potatoes,â he said. âDan, do you think you can run to the store and get some more wine?â
âYes, absolutely!â said Dan, surely aching to escape Philâs mumâs interrogation.
âI will walk with you, dear,â she said, already reaching for her coat before Dan could say no.
Phil snorted and went in search of the onions. When he got back into the kitchen, his dad was waiting for him with a small framed art piece. He had to pause for a moment. He placed his hand on his heart and grabbed it with shaky hands. It was a charcoal drawing of the last picture Phil had taken with his parents and his grandma, but his dad had added Dan in. His eyes welled up in tears and he set the picture on the counter before pulling his dad into a tight hug with a choked sob. âT-thank you!â
His dad rubbed his back and Phil couldnât remember a single time they had hugged like this since heâd been a child. He made sure to account for every detail of the way his father was holding him, comforting him.Â
âIâm proud of you, son,â he said.
âThank you,â Phil mumbled. He didnât want to have any regrets. One day his father would be gone and he wouldnât have any other time to tell him. He remembered his vow to tell the people he loved the most just how much they meant to him, but his dad had somehow been skipped. Well, not somehow. They were men, they just didnât do this type of thing, not since Phil had turned into an adult, but Phil didnât want to continue on like that. âI love you, Dad.â
âI love you too,â his dad said with no hesitation.
They finished cooking side by side, swaying to the music playing in the radio in amicable silence.
By half past three, the roast was ready, Martyn and Cornelia were washing up, and Dan and Phil were setting the table. In one of Philâs trips to the kitchen, Martyn caught him by the hand and asked him to follow him out to the garden.Â
Phil immediately regretted not taking a moment to grab a coat, but at least Martyn didnât seem to be doing any better. âFuck, Mar. What is it?â
âShh! I donât want Mum to hear. I just wanted to check something with you.â
âYeah, what happened?â asked Phil, feeling a bit worried already.
âSo - Cornelia and I have something to announce and we were waiting to do it in person but itâs your birthday⌠and I donât think we'll be coming back here for a while so I wanted to check with you.â Martyn bit his lip. âWould you mind?â
âAnnouncing what?â Phil asked.
Martyn looked into the house, checking that no one was snooping on them, and whispered: âWeâre having a baby!â
Philâs eyes widened and he opened his mouth to let out a squeal of delight but Martyn knew him too well and covered his mouth and nose for good measure.
âDonât!â he whispered. âI will let you go but donât scream!â
Phil nodded and once Martyn released him, Phil grabbed him by his jumper and shook him slightly. âI am going to be an uncle?!â he whisper-shouted.
âYeah!â Martyn laughed and nodded, looking just as excited as Phil was, maybe even a bit more.
âAlright, that has to be the best birthday present Iâve ever gotten. I am going to spoil your kid so badly, youâre going to hate me,â Phil said.
âI already hate you,â he said with a laugh and Phil punched his arm.
The sliding door opened and Dan peeked his head out. âLester! Donât leave me to set the table alone just because itâs your birthday.â Then he disappeared without waiting for a reply.
âHe has you on a short leash,â Martyn said with an amused smile.
Phil nodded. âYeah. Been thinking of running awayâŚâ
âDork!â Martyn said and walked inside.
Phil followed after him, lost in thought at the notion that his brother was going to be a father. Dan gave him a weird look but Phil just shrugged and carried the Yorkshire puddings and black currant sauce to the table. Dan had already brought the meat and roasted potatoes.
His mum went around serving wine and Phil realised that she would soon notice Cornelia wasnât drinking. âOh, let me do that,â he said. âDan, can you bring the Ribena from the fridge?â
âSure,â he said with a frown but didnât question Phil.
âYou boys are not having wine?â His mum asked.
âI read that it can make you dizzy to drink before a flight when you are prone to migraines, so Iâm not drinking today.â
âOh, Iâll take Ribena as well,â said Cornelia.
âThat sounds nice, actually. I feel a bit dehydrated myself so Iâll join you,â Martyn said.
Philâs mum looked a bit upset that half of the table wouldnât enjoy the wine she bought.
Dan returned with a pitcher of Ribena and placed it on the table. He took a seat next to Phil and eyed him suspiciously.Â
Phil took a moment to check his messages while his mum served the roast because he knew she didnât like them being on their phones while they ate and he got a notification from Dan immediately.
âWhat are you up to?â
âWhat?â Phil asked, playing coy.
âWhatâs going on? Youâre being weird.â
âI am always weird according to most people.â
Dan sneaked a hand under the table and pinched Philâs thigh, making him jump. âFuck!â
âPhilip!â his mum chided him.
âSorry! I think I pulled a muscle on my leg.â
âWell donât curse and take an ibuprofen,â she said and continued serving.
Phil grabbed his phone again. âI will get you for that. Just donât say anything, Martyn will announce it soon. He asked me not to tell.â
âAlright,â Dan typed before they were told to put their phones down.
Dinner went by smoothly, although Phil was anxious for Martyn to drop the news so that they could all talk about it. The secret was burning him from the inside. When his mum went to the kitchen to make coffee, he went along and asked if they could cut the cake already.Â
She was a bit shocked but accepted, so Phil got it from the fridge and set it on the table. It was all covered in candy with a small doll resembling Phil emerging from it. âAww, thatâs cute, Mum,â Phil called over his shoulder.
âI didnât make it, I just bought it,â she replied.
Phil snorted. Once the coffee and the mugs were at the table, Dan lit the candle and led the happy birthday song for Phil.Â
In that moment, Phil felt frozen in time, looking around, his loved ones smiling, supporting him and his relationship with Dan, who was easily slotting into the family and he looked at Cornelia, who would soon give him the best gift he could ever get.
Dan laid his hand on Philâs shoulder. âMake a wish!â
Phil smiled at him and leaned down closer to the cake. âI donât need anything else,â he thought and blew the candle out. He stood up and looked at Martyn, trying to signal him to speak up.
âCorn?â Martyn said.
âWe wanted to take a moment to tell you something since we are all together here - the entire family,â she said, looking at them all. âWe are having a baby.â She beamed. âI am four months pregnant!â
âOh, Martyn!â his mum said, rubbing a few stray tears away and hugged his brother briefly before pulling Cornelia into a crushing hug. âThis is wonderful!â
His dad shook Martynâs hand before thinking about it for a moment and pulling him into a hug and Phil could have sworn he saw a single tear rolling down his cheek.
Then it was Danâs turn to congratulate them and Cornelia asked if he was excited to become an uncle which almost made Phil cry. He just walked over to his brother and gave him a big hug, then he joined Dan in hugging Cornelia who merely laughed.
It was his favourite birthday so far.
---
The following months were a bit of a haze. Dan had stopped taking new patients the previous year to allow him to continue to work with Young Minds, continue acting occasionally and posting on YouTube. He also focused on his mental health book deal, which heâd gladly accepted at a minimum fee and promptly got to work.Â
It took him almost six months to write and it stressed him out to no end, but he found that he enjoyed the process as well. Phil often read bits and pieces of the book, but Dan was a bit overzealous of his draft until it was completely edited.Â
He also had a stand-up show written and its tour was in negotiations for the second half of the year. On the other hand, Phil had started his own secret project in the works; he allocated his free time for it fully but he wasnât going to share it with Dan until he was sure it was what he wanted and had a direct plan of action. He took advantage of the fact that Dan was working his butt off to form a very concrete proposal to buy property together. It would be a huge step for them and he knew that Dan would probably drown in the what ifs if Phil didnât have at least some ideas of how they could afford such a project and what they would be looking for.Â
In May, Phil finally felt ready to broach the subject. He took his plans and sat Dan for a talk at the breakfast bar.
âWhatâs up?â Dan asked, looking nervous and quite pale.
âEverything is alright. I just wanted to ask you something,â Phil said, placing a cup of tea in front of Dan. He opened his mouth to speak but found no words. He let out a little frustrated sigh. âWell⌠Iâm buying a house.â
âOh?â Dan frowned.
Phil raised his eyebrows at his own stupidity. âFor us. For both of us to live together there.â
Dan visibly relaxed. âOh, ok,â he said with a little laugh.
âYeah, the thing is⌠I want to completely remodel it, but I want you to see it and tell me if you like it, if you like the area and to help me design it.â
âOh, wow,â Dan said, pausing. âI love the idea but, how much money are we talking about?â
Phil had considered paying for it himself, but he knew better than offering something like that to Dan, he would never accept it. âHere,â he said, getting the folder from one of the small drawers in the kitchen.
âYou were hiding this in the kitchen?â Dan asked with an amused smile.
Phil shrugged. âWhy would you even be looking in there? How often do you cook, Danny boy?â
âFair,â Dan mumbled, skimming through the pages of the three financial options Phil had presented to him. âI like the 50-50 one if I can just transfer the money to you every month.â
âThat was my favourite one too. Now look at the pictures,â Phil said, turning a few pages. Each picture came with handwritten notes of his plan and questions for Dan.
Danâs face transformed, his smile growing as he turned each page. âItâs gorgeous. Ohhh, the garden, Phil!â Dan said in wonder. âThe inside is very old-fashioned but I like the bare bones. Can we afford to remodel it? I think that it could be a bit much.â
âWe have the merch store, ad revenue, sponsors, you have your book, we have savings. I know that construction can get out of hand but it will probably take at least a year to complete it so I think we can manage it,â Phil said and braced himself. âAll you need to agree to is to let me pay rent completely, at least until your earnings are more similar to mine.â
Dan pursed his lips. Phil could tell that he didnât like the idea at all but he was in no position to argue. He was still catching up on his metrics. âAlright, but I will pay it back.â
âDonât,â Phil said. âPut it aside for a trip to Japan. Weâve always wanted to go.â
âI like the sound of that,â Dan said. âThank you, love.â He leaned in and pressed three quick kisses to Philâs lips. âI love you!â
âLove you too,â Phil said, letting out a small sigh and taking the first sip of his tepid tea.
 ---
June 2019Â
Dan was a bit scared of how the so-called phannies would react to his stand-up so he did a few pre-shows - with unrelated material of course - at a small pub and it went amazingly well. They loved his style and the crude jokes. As it turned out, their viewers had grown with them and made it fairly evident that there had always been people of their own age and even older watching their content. As Dan had simply put it: âTheyâre old.âÂ
Phil had known that most of their viewers were queer for quite a while but seeing the army of -mostly- lesbians at Danâs small shows was a delight. It was a freeing experience for both of them. Dan got to make as many gay sex jokes as he wanted and people often matched his energy which made him incredibly happy and Phil got to see Dan be himself fully, be confident in his own identity and sexuality which also turned into a bit of a surprising self-discovery journey.Â
Phil had thought that he had been confident in his own skin for years and years but being semi-closeted in aspects of your life plays a weird game on your mind. The little offhand comments youâd get, or having to lie by omission to some weird intrusive questions, having to come up with made-up stories in interviews, it was all very tiring. Phil found that he also loved to make crude jokes in public, perhaps not as much in his videos but in his everyday life. It was just something that brought him a lot of joy.
It was a relief to be so secure in their relationship that when Dan joked about people sliding into his DMs and living his hot boy summer, Phil didnât feel jealous at all. He knew that Dan was loyal to him and that what they had was a priority for both of them.Â
Before things got too busy and with the excuse of Danâs birthday, they took a weekend trip to visit his family.Â
Phil stood before the same door heâd stood almost a decade prior and smiled at the bittersweet memories it brought. He knew that this time things would be different. With Danâs homophobic father long gone from the family home, they werenât as worried about things going awry, so his mind turned to the first few months after they met in person, when everything had changed. Sharing Danâs bed, flirting, playing hours upon hours of video games and filming. Phil let out a sigh as he remembered Dan looking at him, the golden specks in his warm brown eyes dancing in the sunlight as he laughed, his hobbit hair wild and free.Â
âReady?â Dan asked, pulling him from his musings.
Phil simply smiled at him and nodded, but before he could ring the doorbell, Karen opened the door, welcoming them and wrapping them into a tight hug each.Â
âOh, Phil! Itâs so good to see you again after so long! Iâve been asking Dan to bring you over forever,â she said.
âThank you so much!â Phil said with a huge smile. A side eye Danâs way revealed that he had been, in fact, asked to bring Phil over, if his beat red face and neck scratching was any indication. âHe keeps me hidden, what can I say?â
She laughed and swatted Danâs arm.
âI donât!â Dan said. âWeâve just been busy, Mum.â
âOf course you have.â Karen rolled her eyes at her son and ushered them inside.Â
She pointed Phil towards one of the armchairs and Dan to the closest spot to him on the bigger sofa, choosing the other end of it for herself. As soon as Phil had taken his place, he felt two soft paws scratching at his legs. âAwww, Hi Colin! Nice to meet you!â Phil said as he helped the pup climb onto his lap. He gave Colin a kiss and turned his attention back to Danâs mum. âHow have you been?â he finally asked.
âOh, you know how it is,â she said. âTeaching is very difficult with this newer generation, they are quite unruly, but I still love my job. How are you guys? Any new projects?â
Dan reached his hand to pet Colin absentmindedly but kept his eyes on his mum. âMy book is out already and it did very well. People are saying they enjoyed it and that it helped them manage their mental health a bit better, so Iâm happy about that. The tour is about to start, I brought you tickets, as you requested,â he said, fishing them out of his pocket and handing them over to her. âYou can go with Nana and Popsie; Adrian wants to go on a different date.â
âYour brother is such a loose cannonball sometimes,â she shook her head but smiled. âWill your parents be there, Phil?â Karen asked although it didnât really sound like a question. Phil realised that this was not Danâs mother talking to him, it was his âMother in Lawâ letting him know that she expected him to make it work so that both families could finally meet after so many years. There were expectations.
Phil blinked but he didnât let his smile falter. He was a bit nervous, but he had, gladly, made the arrangements to save everyone the pain of flying over another time. It was not quite a middle ground but it was the best option.âYes, of course. They love Dan and theyâre very excited to see the show. All of our friends are going on different dates as well.â He kept petting Colin, who was trying to take a nap on his lap but kept opening his eyes every time Dan or Phil touched him.
âDid you warn Nana that itâs rude?â Dan asked, picking at the fabric of the sofa cushion.
âYes, but she has been watching your videos, so she knows what to expect,â Karen said. âYou should have her on your channel, I think she would like that very much.â
Dan sputtered. âI donât know about that.â
âAw, that would be so cute!â Phil said. âAlso the viewers loved her comment about the Ipad and the old home videos where she tried to scare you. I think sheâd be a hit.â
Karen nodded. âSee? Phil agrees with me!â
âHeâs just sucking up to you,â Dan said.
Phil laughed. âI would never!â
âDonât be like that, Phil is very sweet and polite!â Karen said, patting Philâs knee.
Phil stuck his tongue out to Dan.
The doorbell rang, announcing the arrival of Danâs grandparents and causing both Dan and Phil to stand and Colin to jump from his lap, throwing a reproachful look over his shoulder as he marched towards Dan.
âHellooo,â Dan said, picking him up and going up to greet his grandparents.
Phil stood by his armchair and awkwardly waited for everyone to join him to shake Nanaâs and Popsieâs hands as they sat on the big sofa with Karen, relegating Dan -and Colin- to the armchair across the room. Seeing Danâs pout at being so far away from him made Phil regret not joining him on the big sofa when he got the chance.
Danâs grandparents were extremely polite but a bit aloof at first. Dan had mentioned that they were open to the idea of him being gay but they hadnât been in contact with any gay people per se, so they would have to try to act naturally to give them an idea of what they could expect. Basically, Dan had asked Phil to be himself and treat him as if they were alone at home, with as much pda or as little as he felt like doing.
âPhil, it is so nice to see you,â Danâs grandma said, folding her hands on her lap.
Phil smiled. âThank you,â he said and nodded at Popsie. âNice to see you both again. I hope you remember me.â
âI do,â Danâs grandma said, looking at Dan out of the corner of her eye. âDaniel couldnât quite stop talking about you all the time so by the time I met you, I felt like I already knew you. That made it hard to forget you.â
Phil didnât know what to say to that, so he smiled. It was a little bit funny, picturing Dan with his massive crush, going on and on about Phil.
âNana, donât make me sound so lame,â Dan said a bit too loudly, causing Colin to lift his head and huff. Dan looked at him apologetically and ruffled his fur.
âI am only telling the truth, if that makes you sound âlameâ as you put itâŚâ she trailed off.
Phil burst out laughing and suddenly felt at ease with her. âYou are delightful.â
âIâm going to be bullied the entire day, arenât I?â Dan asked, pouting and flipping Colinâs ear inside out.
Popsie smiled at him and nodded before focusing on Phil. âSo, what are your plans for the future?â he asked.
âFor the future?â Phil asked, unsure of what to say, so he started speaking about work as per usual. âI have a lot of videos in the work, sponsors, my brother runs our merch company as well, but I do need to look things over. We are quite busy at the moment, especially with Dan going away on tour for a few months.â He looked at Dan across the room for any indication on how good of a reply that was but Dan merely shrugged.
âWell, thatâs wonderful, but⌠weâve been wondering if you two are going to get married, adopt children? Iâm not sure how itâs done nowadays,â Popsie said with a small smile.
Dan sank further into his armchair, trying to make himself small and turned to talk to his mum, who completely ignored him in favour of listening to Philâs answer.
Philâs eyes widened, but he thought each and every single one of his movements carefully. He took account of how he was sitting, his posture, and his hands. He sat as a perfectly respectable human instead of a pile of goo; he squared his shoulders, laced his fingers on his lap and leaned forward trying to exude confidence. âWell, we havenât discussed marriage quite yet, but we are buying property together this year.â
âYou are?â Karen asked, beaming and looking between Dan and Phil.
Dan nodded but let Phil do the talking.
âYes, it was my idea,â Phil said. âAs you may know, Dan and I have quite a bit of history and it took us some time to repair our friendship and build a strong and loving relationship, so we are taking things slow to make sure that we are doing things the right way.â
âThat is good! Itâs important to take the time to consider things and not just jump into a wedding,â Karen said, looking pointedly at her mother. âA house sounds wonderful. May I ask if it will be under both of your names?â
Phil nodded. âYes. We have already decided how we will split the cost, and since we are going to remodel it before moving in, it will probably be a long process.â
âWhere are you buying?â Popsie asked, giving him what Phil assumed was an approving look.Â
âKensington,â Phil said. âItâs a three-story house with a huge back garden.â He pulled his phone out and showed them a few pictures.
âIt looks like a good place for a family,â Danâs grandma said.
âPlease, no mention of children,â Dan whined, pulling Colin to lay on his chest and wrapping his arms around him.
âDonât you want children, Daniel?â she asked.
âNot right now,â Dan said with a frown. âWe have a lot of work ahead. If it happens it will happen.â
âBut how?â Popsie asked, cocking his head. âI donât mean to be rude, of course, but I donât understand.â
Phil saw a mix of embarrassment and anger forming in Danâs face, but he could see that Popsie was just trying to understand, so he took over the conversation. âWell, neither of us will be getting pregnant,â he laughed. âBut gay couples have different options, or rather, we have the same options as most couples dealing with infertility, like adoption, or getting eggs from a donor and paying a surrogate to carry the child, or simply to remain child-free. Like I said, at the moment we are focusing on ourselves and our relationship, anything else will come in the future, when we have the proper time and money to make it happen.â Phil ventured a look at Dan and found nothing but gratitude and love in his eyes.
âYes,â Dan said, the smile slowly returning to his face. âI may be just a little selfish here, but I donât want to share Phil with anyone at the moment, and if we decided to have children, a wedding would probably happen first. For now, we have our house to focus on and our projects.â
Karen smiled and patted Danâs hand. âIt sounds like you have a wonderful life together.â
âWe do,â Dan said, his smile widening. âAnd I am very happy.â
âThatâs all that matters then,â Danâs grandma said and clapped her hands once. âCongratulations to you both.â
Popsie smiled and nodded. âI donât think Iâve ever seen you smile this much, Daniel. It is a relief to still be alive to see you so happy.â
âWell, donât take it as a sign to die,â Dan said, letting out an awkward laugh. âThat would not make me very happy.â
âItâs not my time yet,â Popsie chuckled.
The doorbell rang once again and Karen walked over to the window, pulling the curtains back. âLooks like the pizza is here!â she said, giving Phil an apologetic look before walking over to the door.
âKaren! Pizza? While having company over? Why didnât you cook something?â Danâs grandma said, getting up and walking after her daughter.
âIâm not a great cook and I didnât want to stress about it,â Karen said.
âBut I am, I could have made something!âÂ
Karen waved her off. âItâs fine and Phil loves pizza, donât you Phil?â
âI do!â Phil added and finally remembered that as a guest he should probably offer to carry the pizzas. âI can take that to the kitchen,â he said.
âYou are such a darling, Phil. Always so polite!â Karen said, handing him the boxes.
Out of the corner of his eye, Phil saw Popsie sliding closer to Dan and whispering something as he placed a hand on his shoulder and watched Dan rub his cheek quickly to wipe a few tears as he nodded and smiled.Â
Phil let out a sigh of relief. Everything was finally falling into place. Both families had accepted them with love and respect for them and the relationship they shared. It was all they had ever wanted.
---
October 2019
October brought many milestones. They celebrated their first anniversary as an official couple and the 10th anniversary of the day they first met.Â
The celebration itself was more of an improvised dinner date at their new home, in which construction had just started, sitting on a blanket, basically having a picnic and wine. Maybe it would not be considered the most romantic set up by the majority of people, but to them it was. It symbolised so many achievements and the hard work that they had put on themselves, their friendship and their relationship, as well as being their first property. In a way, it was the most romantic celebration they could have put together. There were no aesthetic decorations, fancy restaurants or public displays, it was just them - together, sharing a moment.
Dan grabbed a slice of pizza and moaned dramatically as he bit into it.
Phil laughed at his antics. God, he loved how Dan made him laugh with the simplest gestures. He loved Dan, his curly hair, his warm brown eyes, that low voice he used when it was just the two of them. He loved Dan dressed to the nines or only in his joggers and a stained T-shirt, his eyes falling shut from how tired he was. He loved Dan naked too, when it was just him, no decoration, no masks, just Dan. He loved Dan so much that he sometimes felt his heart would burst out of his chest at any moment.
âWhat?â Dan asked mid chew.
Phil snorted. âYou have stubble now,â he said, cupping Danâs cheek and rubbing his thumb on his chin.
âIâll get it tomorrow,â Dan said.
âDonât,â Phil smiled. âI like it.â
âI thought you said it was too rough on your skin,â Dan said.
âMaybe I like it rough,â Phil said with an awkward wink.
Dan laughed and threw a piece of crust his way.
âHey, be nice!â Phil said.
âIâm always nice,â Dan said, pointing at his bruised forehead. âToday I slammed my head into the cabinets again and I didnât even yell at you about it.â
âIs that why you were cursing this morning?â
âYes, but I let you have a lie in instead of going to you to complain.â
âYou could have joined me,â Phil said, grabbing a slice of pizza and taking a bite.
âI wanted to clean so that you donât have to keep up with everything while Iâm gone,â Dan said, his smile dropping a bit.
âThatâs actually very sweet of you,â Phil said.
Dan pretended to retch. âShut up,â he said, very fondly. It was the first time that they would be apart for an extended period of time since they got back together. Phil could hardly remember what life without Dan was like, but it was necessary. He would support every single solo project Dan had, and help him spread his wings, in the same way Dan supported him.
This was the time for Dan to spend some time with his followers without Philâs presence, except in the occasional show.
âIâm going to miss you and go a bit crazy,â Phil admitted.
âYou can always come to visit me on the road.â
âMaybe I will,â Phil said and leaned in to press a quick kiss to Danâs lips.
âPlease do,â Dan said, sounding a little smaller, perhaps like a lost child.
âAww,â said Phil and gave him a quick succession of kisses on the lips. Three for good luck. âYou will do amazingly, they will love you.â
âWhat if I fuck up on stage?â Dan frowned.
âThen they will laugh with you, which is the point of the show,â Phil said. âYou know what to do already, just be yourself.â
âSometimes I panic and consider cancelling.â
Phil nodded. âI know, I can see it in your eyes from time to time, but I also know that you were made to do this. You have to go out there and make little theatre kid Dan proud.â
âI know, but I could also just go live in the woods,â Dan said, only half joking.
âYou are afraid of trees, and the show starts next week. Itâs too late to back out now,â Phil laughed, patting his leg.
Dan snorted a laugh. âYeah,â he said, shifting slightly and laying back onto Philâs lap. âI love you, you know?â he asked, looking up at Phil.
âYeah, I know,â Phil said, running his fingers through Danâs curls. âI love you too.â
âEnough to keep my plants alive while I am away?â Dan smirked.
âI canât promise that,â Phil laughed. âBut I can promise that the house will still be standing when you come back - probably.â
Dan laughed, his eyes crinkling with happiness. âProbably.â
---
Danâs stand-up show âWeâre all doomedâ opened to a full theatre of fans who had shown up to support him. Their excitement permeated the air and got into Phil. He was there to see his favourite person perform.
Phil danced in his seat while the pre show playlist boomed through the speakers. His smile widened when Dan came onto the stage. He felt a hand resting on his own, turned to his side and looked into his motherâs eyes, her smile matching his.
His heart sang as he watched Dan perform, giving it his all, working the stage and feeding off the audienceâs energy.
He loved the show, he really did, but watching both of their families laugh along with Danâs jokes and look at him proudly had to be one of Philâs favourite memories from that night.
As the show came to a close, Dan came on stage one last time to thank the audience and looked up to the gallery where his people were. He made direct eye contact with Phil and placed his hand on his heart, smiling widely and mouthing a silent âI love you,â and Phil wanted to keep that image engraved in his mind forever.
It had taken such a long time to get to this point, but they were finally where they wanted to be, together, and even though Phil didnât forget everything that had happened, all the heartache, all the hardships, he didnât doubt for a second that it had all been worth it. God, he loved Dan so much, and he was going to spend the rest of his life making him happy - just as happy as Dan made him. Â
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 12: When the bones are good, the rest donât matter.
October 2018
With everything going on, his relationship with Dan blossoming, their friendship and their public branding being sort of related again, Phil debated on whether to look into posts he was not tagged in for mentions of the ship, to see what people thought of them now and it took him weeks to finally decide to go through with it.Â
He let out a sigh of relief when he saw that most viewers on Tumblr talked about the glass closet concept, respectful of them not wanting to discuss their current relationship status but having caught onto the clues that there was something there, just enough context clues to let the queer viewers into the secret and let the homophobic people pretend that they didnât see anything.Â
There was a moment, a sinking feeling in his stomach, when he came across another post saying that Dan and Phil had gone back to queer baiting to sell merch and get more views and condemning it, but not many people seemed to agree. It was dated a few months prior, before their coming out videos, but it still hurt Philâs feelings. Only a blind person could accuse him of queer baiting.Â
He shook his head and hopped into the shower, he needed to relax. He washed his body thoroughly, briefly considering getting off but he was too stressed about what heâd seen to give it a shot. Phil almost slipped and cracked his skull in the shower when he heard the door to this flat open. He wrapped a towel around his hips and carefully walked out of the bathroom, stopping by the kitchen to grab a cast iron pan.
âHey!âÂ
Phil jumped and dropped the pan to the floor, narrowly avoiding his foot but cracking a tile in the process. âDan!â.
âYeah, sorry. I didnât mean to startle you,â Dan said. âI used the spare key because you were not answering,â he mumbled as his eyes travelled down Philâs naked torso hungrily.Â
âOh,â Phil said, trying to ignore Danâs scolding stare. âWhat happened?â
âI just - wanted to tell you about a thing I was offeredâŚâ trailed off, still not looking into Philâs eyes.
âWell, what is it?â Phil tried, but Dan ran his fingers on Philâs chest softly, fiddling with the sparse patch of hair.
âYou are so wet,â Dan said, clearly not paying attention.
âI was in the shower,â Phil said awkwardly.Â
Dan finally looked up and pulled him closer by the hips. Then, he pressed their noses together, looking into Philâs eyes. âGod, I love you so much,â he whispered.
Philâs eyes widened and before he could say anything, Dan was kissing him as he ran the tips of his fingers down Philâs back adoringly, barely grazing the skin, the touch leaving goosebumps in its wake. Danâs hands came to rest in the small of his back as he kissed Philâs neck, he smirked when Phil gasped and held onto his shoulders.Â
He paused and looked into Philâs eyes for a moment before asking: âMay I?â he said, running his fingers on the edge of the towel.
Phil considered it for a moment, trying to not jump into things because he was horny, but they had been working towards it for a few months now, slowly, really talking things through, paying attention to their feelings and where they were at mentally and emotionally, and - yes, Phil really wanted to. He was ready. âYes,â he whispered and leaned in for another kiss, burying his fingers in the curls on the back of Danâs head, playing with them softly. He let out a happy sigh when their hips met. He had missed this, he had missed having Dan like this.
Grabbing Philâs butt through the towel, Dan took a few steps forward, trying to guide Phil to his bedroom, but snorted at how they stumbled awkwardly and opted for just pulling Phil along by the hand. Phil laughed along; it wouldnât be them if it wasnât at least a little bit ungraceful.Â
Once they had arrived at their destination, Phil sat on the bed and watched Dan unceremoniously remove his shirt and unbuckle his belt, marvelling at all the changes in his body and how good he looked. âCome here,â he said, extending a hand towards Dan and helping him with his zipper and looking up at him, caressing his tummy. âGorgeous,â he said under his breath.
Dan leaned down for a quick kiss and gently pushed at his chest.
âBut-â Phil protested as he discarded the towel, trying to tempt Dan.
âLater,â Dan said. He removed his jeans and lay on top of Phil, resting his weight on his elbows and leaning down to kiss him.
Phil let Dan do as he wished and let his hands wander down Danâs gorgeous back, grabbing his ass. The sudden movement startled Dan, causing his hips to twitch and finally press their cocks together.Â
Phil smiled into the kiss when Dan began to grind on him. Their breaths came out in pants as Phil met Dan thrust for thrust, perhaps a bit too eagerly and Dan let out a high-pitched whine. He tried to angle away from the friction but Phil wrapped one leg around him, not ready to let go of the amazing sensation quickly building in his stomach.Â
Beginning to tremble, Dan gave up on the kiss, unable to keep his focus, and pressed his forehead to Philâs shoulder, letting out small puffs of air that tickled his neck.
âPhil!â Dan moaned as his thrust became more erratic, his entire body shaking. âAh, fuck,â he said before coming all over Phil who was still thrusting up against him, still desperately chasing his own orgasm, letting out breathy moans.
âYouâre so cute when you whine like that,â Dan mumbled into his ear and bit down on Philâs neck finally pushing him over the edge.
They lay there panting for a little while before Dan got up and went to get a towel soaked in warm water, sitting at the edge of the bed to clean Phil up, which made him smile.
âThank you,â Phil said, placing his hand on Danâs arm.
âYouâre welcome,â Dan said, dropping a kiss to his forehead and climbing into bed with him.
Phil wrapped one arm around Dan and pulled him close, sighing happily. He pressed a few kisses on Danâs cheeks, lips, forehead and nose.
Dan snorted a laugh, blushing and trying to hide his face in the pillow.
âWhat?â Phil asked with what he knew was a goofy smile.
âNothing!â Dan said. âI missed this. Usâ
âMe too,â Phil admitted. âWhat did you want to tell me earlier?â
âNothing, it was all a ploy to barge in and find you naked.â
âOh, shut up,â Phil laughed. âBe serious now!â
Dan paused, his expression dropping for a moment. âI was offered a book deal. It would be a self-help book,â he said. âAnd I wanted to know what you thought about that.â
âWhat else am I going to think? I think itâs amazing! Youâve always wanted to help people through books. Who came to you? Publishing?â
âYoung Minds, actually. I had mentioned to them before that it is something that interested me, they handled everything but left the door open for negotiations,â Dan said.
âI love that! Congratulations, you deserve it!â Phil gave Dan a quick kiss. âIâm so proud of you!â
Dan smiled. âThank you,â he said and Phil could tell that he was holding off, trying to say something else.
âWhat?â
âReady for another one?â Dan smirked.
âThat was not what you were going to say!â Phil laughed.
âIt was!â Dan kissed him, trying to distract him from the conversation, and it worked, of course, Phil had never been able to resist Dan and Dan knew that very well.Â
Danâs lips wandered down, dropping kisses on his neck and chest, teasing Phil with random bites on his tummy, his inner thighs and even his hips until he was fully hard. Only then did Dan settle between his legs.Â
Phil buried his fingers in Danâs curls, pulling softly as he watched Dan wrap one hand around the base of his cock and ghost his breath over it, licking his lips as if he couldnât wait to figuratively eat him. It was too much for Phil; he let his head drop back to the pillow.Â
âLook at me,â Dan demanded and Phil complied, locking eyes with Dan just for a moment, watching him press his tongue flat against the shaft and give him a long lick from root to tip, taking him in and sucking lightly. Philâs eyes rolled to the back of his head as Dan hollowed his cheeks and began bobbing his head before pulling away and swirling his tongue around the head.Â
Phil felt his fringe sticking to his sweaty forehead, the heat already rising within him when Dan pressed the tip of his tongue to his slit and sucked harder before really getting into a nice rhythm, taking him a bit deeper each time and moaning so loudly, the vibrations sending tiny shocks of pleasure to Philâs cock as he got into his throat.
High-pitched whines were falling from Philâs lips ever so often, his legs starting to shake as he got closer and closer to the edge. He wasnât usually this fast, fuck, but Dan had learned a trick or two in the time theyâd been apart. That thought pulled him away from the edge. Who the fuck did Dan learn this from? He frowned.
Dan pulled back and gave him an unimpressed look. âWhat?â he panted. âYouâre distracted, I can tell.â
âNothing!â Phil rushed to say, trying not to completely ruin things.
âDonât lie!â Dan huffed, squeezing his cock slightly, making Phil groan in discomfort.
âYouâve gotten good at this,â Phil said and it was only half a compliment, and Dan knew it, raising one eyebrow to call Phil out on his bullshit. âSince weâve done it,â he finally finished the sentence.
Dan huffed, crawling up to speak to him properly, and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. âI did. And now Iâm going to use everything I know on you. Only you,â he said. âYou have nothing to be jealous of.â
Phil gasped when Dan wrapped one hand around his cock, his lips already attached to Philâs neck as he pumped torturously slowly, twisting his hand on the upstroke and thumbing the head.
âTell me what youâre thinking about,â Dan said, biting his neck softly.
âI donât want to think about anyone touching you,â Phil said.
âThen donât. That was after I left. It was nobody important,â Dan mumbled, his hand still moving. âAnd I thought of you with each and every one of them.â
âYou are mine,â Phil snarled, pulling Danâs hair a bit too harshly to give himself space to bite his neck. He pushed Dan onto the mattress, crawling on top of him and pinning his arms down.
âYes!â Dan moaned, his body responding to Philâs change in demeanour.
Phil paused, a bit bewildered about Danâs reaction. âWhat?â
âFuck me,â Dan mumbled.Â
Philâs eyes widened, his resolution faltering. âWhat?â
Dan looked into his eyes and spoke up. âPlease, fuck me.â
âAre you sure?â
Dan nodded, but when Phil didnât move, he continued. âPhil, for fuckâs sake, I've been fingering myself in the shower thinking about you for years,â he said. âIt's been years!â
Phil bit his lip as a memory crossed his mind. The first time they were together, Dan had asked Phil to ride him, it was only fair that he got to watch this time. âAlright,â he smirked. âRide me.â
Dan didnât need to be told twice. He nodded and straddled Phil, reaching for the bedside drawer, finding the lube and a condom in no time. Phil watched with rapt attention as Dan rubbed the lube between his fingers, his hand disappearing behind his back as he leaned down to kiss him and started stretching himself.Â
Even though Phil had no way of seeing exactly what Dan was doing, he could feel every sigh into the kiss, the tremble of his legs, and the incredibly happy smile that graced his lips. He took this opportunity to get reacquainted with Danâs body, gently gracing the tips of his fingers on his nipples, shoulders, and down his back, feeling the goosebumps the sensation brought Dan until he reached Danâs lower back. Curiosity got the best of him as he traced Danâs fingers down to his hole. âDo you need help?â he mumbled against Danâs lips hoping he would say yes.
Dan broke the kiss and he shook his head. âJust kiss me, I can do it,â he said, shutting his eyes with a focused frown.
Phil smirked and pulled Dan down for a deep kiss, letting out a happy sigh as his hands travelled south once again, settling on Danâs ass and helping him move, causing him to grind gently on Phil as he fingered himself.
Turning his head towards Danâs side, Phil managed to kiss his neck and suck lightly before the other pulled away.
âDonât do that or this will be over before it starts,â Dan hissed, sitting up. He gave Phil a stern look and passed the condom and lube to him.
âSorry,â Phil said with a smirk, not feeling sorry for a second. He tore the packet, uncapped the lube and did his usual method, making sure that the condom was rolled correctly and well lubed inside and out.
Dan pulled his fingers out and wiped his hands on his discarded T-shirt before settling them on Philâs chest.Â
âAre you sure youâre ready?â Phil asked, not wanting Dan to hurt himself.
âYeah,â Dan said, reaching back to grab Philâs cock. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly and looked into Philâs eyes as he sank down slowly, his brows burrowed into a frown.Â
There was a little resistance but Phil let Dan handle it on his own time.
âFuck!â Dan moaned.
Phil was in heaven, his hands on Danâs hips, helping him settle down slowly, feeling him pulse around him. âSo beautiful,â Phil whispered.
âYou,â Dan replied. He rolled his hips and it was Philâs time to moan. Despite the stretching, Dan was so tight. âAlways wanted to do this with you.â
âYeah?â Phil asked breathlessly.
âMhmm. I knew you would feel amazing,â Dan said. He started rocking, slowly at first but gradually getting into it. Throwing his head back, he rolled his hips again and again, pulling out and sinking back harder down with each roll.
Dan had such a beautiful neck, Phil wanted to bite it again, but he settled for watching the gorgeous expanse of skin just out of his reach, Adamâs apple bobbing as Dan swallowed and the muscles flexing as he moaned. Phil dug his nails into Danâs hips and helped him sink down harder as they picked up the pace.
âAh! Ah! Ah!â Dan whined, louder and louder and Phil was starting to get distracted thinking of the neighbours.Â
Then he did it. He spanked Danâs ass, throwing him off his rhythm but watching his cock twitch at the pain. That kinky bastard. âBe quiet,â Phil snickered.
âMake me,â Dan pouted, slowing down to a stop.
âReally?â Phil asked.
The blush creeping up Danâs chest and neck confirmed it, even before he nodded.
Phil tapped Danâs side. âUp. Iâll take care of you,â he said and Dan looked way too happy about it. âOn your knees and elbows.â
Dan bit his lip and gave him a sly smile before obliging. Just as he was settling comfortably on his elbows, Phil grabbed his ass, spreading him open and slowly pushed inside as deep as he could. Dan let out a low moan and arched his back, trying to push back against him. Phil paused, holding him still, giving Dan a moment to adjust to the feeling again before pulling one of his hands behind his back and then the other, leaving him trembling on his knees until he settled forward on his shoulders.
âI canât really move like this,â Dan said.
âThatâs the idea,â Phil replied and grasped both of Danâs wrists with one hand, placing a pillow in front of his face. âIf you want to scream, do it into the pillow. I trust you to turn your head to the side if you canât breathe.âÂ
âWhat if I want to choke?â Dan snorted and tried to move his hips but Phil spanked him with his free hand. âNgh!â
âDo you want me to fuck you hard or gently?â Phil asked.
âHard,â Dan groaned.
âGood. Then keep your hands behind your back like this,â Phil commanded. âGot it?â
âYeah!â Dan moaned.
Satisfied with that reply, Phil let go of Danâs hands and placed his own on Danâs gorgeous hips again. He pulled out just a bit before thrusting back in, experimenting with different angles until he found what he was looking for. Smirking, Phil thrust harder and harder, barely able to hear Dan screaming his moans into the pillow above the sound of his blood rushing to his ears and the slap of flesh against flesh.
Dan put his hands down and pushed himself back against his thrusts. âHarder,â he begged as he began to tremble. âPlease! please! Iâll be quiet,â he babbled.
Phil obliged, pulling out and slamming back into Dan as hard as he could, effectively pushing Dan into the mattress shoulders first again. âTouch yourself,â he said and continued to slam into him at a punishing pace.
Dan shut his eyes and turned his head to the side. He bit his lip hard, stifling his moans as his hand flew over his cock until he came with a silent scream.
Phil slammed into Dan one more time as deep as he could and came into the condom, shivering as he felt Danâs overstimulated body twitch. He pulled out and discarded the condom but when he saw Danâs beautiful body covered in a thin layer of sweat, his hair stuck to his face, and the bruises already forming on his hips, Phil couldnât help himself and pushed one finger inside of him, pressing it gently against his prostate. He leaned over Danâs body and whispered: âCan I eat you out, Baby?â
âFuck,â Dan laughed looking at him over his shoulder. âRight now?â
Phil raised one eyebrow at him.
âYeah,â Dan whispered. âOk.â
Phil grabbed Danâs ass and pried his cheeks open, exposing his hole and pressed the tip of his tongue against it, giving him teasing licks for a few minutes until he sneaked his hand around and confirmed his suspicions, Dan was getting hard again.Â
âBastard,â Dan said. âIâm too sensitive.â He pressed his face into the pillow.
âDo you want me to stop?â Phil teased.
Dan looked over his shoulder. âShut up and eat me out,â he groaned.
âBossy.â Phil laughed and shoved his tongue inside of Dan without further preamble. He alternated between thrusting his tongue inside and soft licks and kisses until Dan was ready to murder him. Only then did Phil properly fucked him with his tongue until his jaw was sore and even past that point, when Danâs balls drew up and his hole clenched hard around Phil as he came for what felt like forever.
Dan lay down at his side, trembling with the aftershocks of his orgasm and turned his head to look at Phil, his brows burrowing into a frown. Phil could see Danâs expression slowly begin to change into one of worry, or even panic, as time went on.
âWhatâs wrong?â Phil asked, bracing himself as his anxiety began to rise with every second Dan stayed silent. âPlease, donât leave. Letâs talk about it.â
âIâm not leaving,â Dan mumbled, his eyes wide.Â
âDo you regret it?â Phil asked, his voice small, already cursing himself for pushing Danâs boundaries.
âNo!â Dan said and rolled onto his side to face Phil, lacing their fingers together. âNo, I swear. I just -â
âWhat?â Phil squeaked.
âI meant to say it on a romantic date, not like that,â Dan pouted.
Philâs brain was beginning to come back online and then it hit him, what Dan had said earlier. He actually meant what Phil had hoped he did. âYou love me?â
âYouâve always known that. What I meant to say was⌠I am in love with you,â Dan said and held his gaze, waiting for an answer.
Phil smiled widely, letting out a sigh of relief. âMe too. I mean, I love you so much.â He rolled onto his side to face Dan and gave him a quick kiss on the lips, dropping a few more around his face for good measure.
Dan giggled as Phil kissed him all over but still asked: âBut are you in love with me? Thatâs different.â
Phil rolled his eyes at him. âYeah, I am in love with you, dork.â
âThen you are my boyfriend now,â Dan said with a cheeky smile.
âIs that even a question?â Phil asked, amused.
Dan shook his head, a smile still on his lips. âNo, Lester. You are mine now. No turning back.â
âGood.â Phil nodded. âStay.â
âThereâs nowhere else I would rather be,â Dan said, pressing a kiss to the back of Philâs hand.
âAww, thatâs cheesy,â Phil teased.
âItâs supposed to be cheesy,â Dan laughed.
Phil tickled him until Dan was cry-laughing and begging him to stop. âGod, I love you, I love you so much, you canât imagine,â he said and pressed their lips together into a soft kiss, sighing happily. It was just a relief to be able to say it out loud; Phil hadnât realised how much heâd needed to say it, to let Dan know. âI love you,â he said again and he felt butterflies in his stomach at the fond smile Dan gave him, his eyes full of love and almost adoration.
âI love you too,â Dan whispered.
In fact, Danâs voice whispering sweet nothings into his ear was what lulled Phil to sleep peacefully.Â
When Phil opened his eyes again, he felt inundated with a sense of happiness like he had never felt before, not in the early morning at least and not just for waking up, for being alive.Â
His vision focused and he smiled as he saw Dan snoring softly at his side, the sunlight coming through the window making his skin glow, enhancing the little freckles on his shoulders and the warm brown in his hair. He grabbed his phone and snapped a picture of Dan before cuddling up to him and resting his face on his shoulder.
Dan stirred, his brows furrowed until he saw Phil and flashed him a smile. âHi, love,â Dan said in his low and raspy morning voice.
Phil almost squealed at the pet name, but he controlled himself. âHi,â he whispered. âBreakfast?â
âMmm, yeah,â Dan said. âLater.â His head disappeared under the sheets as he made his way down Philâs body laying kisses on his wake.
Philâs shocked laugh soon turned into a string of moans and, for some reason, they didnât make it to breakfast until much much later.
Dan was good on his promise. He stayed that day, and the next, and the one after that, until he had to return to work, and even then he came back in his spare time. Just like back in the day, there was barely a time when Dan wasnât at Philâs flat. He had, once again, âdumped all his shitâ at Philâs and made it his second home, and in December, when Danâs lease was due, the decision was obvious: he officially moved in with Phil.Â
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 11: Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien
Phil hesitated, not knowing how Dan would react to the news. Actually, he was fairly certain that Dan would have a breakdown and bolt out the door. Philâs breathing got away from him and he started panicking.
âItâs alright. Look at me,â Dan said, holding his hands gently. âLook at me, Iâm here, youâre safe. Everything will be ok.â
Phil tried to match Danâs breathing, but it took him a few minutes to finally be able to take a deep breath and release it slowly.Â
âBetter?â Dan asked.
Phil nodded but pressed his forehead to Danâs still trying to breathe normally. He wanted to cry. He couldnât lose Dan again.
âCan you tell me what happened?â Dan tried.
Phil shook his head no, but Dan pulled away and cupped his cheeks, looking into his eyes with worry.Â
The tears finally rolled down Philâs cheeks and Dan looked horrified. He pulled Phil into a tight hug and rubbed circles on his back. âPlease, please, tell me whatâs wrong. Is your family alright?â
Phil nodded but still didnât let Dan go. âS-sorry,â he said, for making Dan worry.
âItâs ok.â
âPlease donât leave,â Phil said, letting out a small sob and feeling pathetic about it - and about the begging.
Dan let go and looked at him in confusion. âI wonât leave, I promise!â
Still, Phil continued to cry but had the good grace of finally giving Dan his phone. He searched in Danâs face for any signs of anger, regret or panic but Dan was just dumbfounded, his eyebrows raised.
âI shouldnât have gone, Iâm so sorry!â Phil mumbled shakily.
Dan looked up from the phone and into his eyes before staring into space for a few minutes. Perhaps it was only a few seconds but to Phil it felt like minutes.Â
Phil wanted to shake him but instead, he grabbed fists full of his York hoodie and pulled gently as if Dan was going to slip away at any given moment.Â
âSorry,â Dan said, blinking repeatedly. âI just - Iâm surprised they even remember me.â
âOf course they do, they have been asking about you for years. They still do!â Phil said with perhaps a bit of bitterness in his voice as he released the fabric.
Dan frowned sadly, lowering his head. He reached for his own phone and logged into Twitter quickly. âCanât see it here,â he said, but before Phil could suggest anything, Dan slapped his forehead. âRight, I muted anything related to the ship.â He went into settings and deleted quite a few words to be able to read the tweet and responses. He took a deep breath, bracing himself, and let it out slowly as he began to read. âFuck, this is why I thought they had forgotten me. I had hoped, but -â
The longer Dan stayed quiet, the more nervous Phil got, until he noticed his expression beginning to change.
In fact, the further Dan read, the bigger the smile on his face got. âItâs so hard to believe that they still care,â he said in wonder before liking one of the responses heâd been tagged in that read âCollab when?â He bit his lip and hesitated. âShould I reply?â
âIf you want,â Phil said, with a small smile of his own as he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.Â
âSOON!â Dan replied and all hell broke loose, but it was not a bad thing. Dan seemed to be taking it well.
âWhen can we see those theatre acting skills on YouTube? You should be in Philâs skits!â someone suggested and Dan read it to him.Â
Phil thought that was a wonderful idea, so he liked the tweet and looked at him expectantly.Â
âDo you really want me to be on your channel again?â Dan asked, his tone soft, almost in awe.
Phil nodded and tried to downplay the importance of a potential Dan feature on his channel or a collab. âIf you dare, dani snot-â
âOh, fuck off!â Dan said, throwing a cushion in his direction.
âFiyaaaa!â Phil screeched. He was so fucking relieved.Â
âIâd love to. Iâll do anything you want.â
âAnything?â Phil smirked.
âDonât do that,â Dan warned him. âYou wanted to go slow.â
âI do! I do! Sorry,â Phil said with a laugh. Pausing, he looked into Danâs eyes intently. âAre you alright?â he asked, even though what he really wanted to say was âAre we alright?â
âYeah,â Dan replied softly. âI think I am. I am surprised, but I am not panicking at the moment.âÂ
He pressed a quick kiss to Philâs lips and when he rested his back against the sofa once again, his lips moved for a few seconds, mouthing something silently. Dan bit his lip but swallowed nervously and asked: âCan you watch something?â he paused. âI was thinking⌠I should post something before my coming out. I donât want it to be so sudden, it wouldnât feel right. I have a few ideas, things I want to talk about.â
âOf course!â Phil said and brought his laptop over.Â
Dan logged into his accounts and showed him the first few scenes of âDaniel and depressionâ.Â
âI love it! What do you think about adding some skits? We could totally do that.â
âIâd like that.â Dan smiled and let out a little sigh of relief. He also showed Phil his set design for BIG, the codename of his June video.
âItâs beautiful,â Phil said. âBut you should probably drop hints about the topic of the video beforehand, I donât want to get sued for the death toll.â
âHmm, maybe they deserve it,â Dan said, only half joking. âAlright. I think I know what to do.â He opened his notes up and started writing a script.
âAnother video?â Phil said, raising his eyebrows at Dan.
âIâm on a roll, donât judge,â Dan said and typed the words âTrying to live my truth.â
âI would never!â Phil laughed and rubbed Danâs back reassuringly.
---
Phil gave the new YouTube feature a shot. His contact had basically told him that there could be good money in for him if he posted shorts consistently but Phil was honestly a bit burnt out and he was emotionally consumed by Dan. It was stupid, he knew, to let Dan back into his life and make everything about him so fast, but he couldnât help it. At least it seemed that Dan was also focusing on him for the most part, that and work.
He sat in front of the blank wall that served as his new filming space, checking the lighting, that all of his trinkets were in order and that the brown bits of his plant were facing away from the camera. The doorbell rang just as he was reaching for the record button and he sighed in frustration until he realised that it was probably Dan.
A big goofy smile made its way into Philâs lips when he looked through the cameras and buzzed Dan in. He leaned against the door, waiting for Dan to let him know he had made it up. He felt so many butterflies in his stomach, it was stupid, but he didnât care.
There was a soft knock on the door and Phil pulled the door open, happy to see his smile reflected in Danâs face.
âWhat were you up to?â Dan asked, inviting himself in and taking off his shoes.
âJust about to film some shorts,â Phil said dismissively. âItâs a bit boring, but I was promised some money for it, and who knows, maybe they will push my channel a bit more. They didnât say that, but a guy can hope.â
Dan nodded. âDo you need help?â
âYeah, I could use some company so I donât fall asleep in front of the camera or something. Sit on the floor by the camera like you used to?â
âSure. Always loved being your assistant.â Dan walked over to the âsetâ and waited for Phil to be ready. When he got the go-ahead, he hit record.
âHey guys, did you know that my fmalee, female,â he laughed. âFamily!â
âGreat job, Phil!â Dan laughed but didnât stop the recording.
âBe quiet, assistant!â Phil joked and completely forgot whatever silly story he was going to tell. He thought about it for a moment and decided that they should work on Danâs projects rather than his very small ones. âWhy donât we do yours? I have skit ideas for the first video and I thought of some nice shots for the depression one as well.â
âReally? Donât you need to do these first?âÂ
âNah, I can do them later. I just want you to lay down so I can throw food at you.â
âI donât know how to feel about that,â Dan snorted.
âI was thinking popcorn. Thatâs for the part when you talk about not wanting to eat. And we can also do a bit where I call you to watch the finale of Game of Thrones and you donât want to.â
âI wish I could go back in time and not watch that, and thatâs not the depression talking.â
âMaybe you have the sight in this bit and thatâs why you donât want to get up,â Phil said.Â
âThat will be the real story behind the skit in my heart forever.â Dan laughed. âAlright, I like that. What was the shot you wanted for DAD?â
âDad?â Phil asked, almost choking in his own spit at the thought of Dan calling him that.
âNo, D.A.D. Daniel and Depression.â
âOh, right. You could be in bed with your eyes closed and open them to stare at the camera with empty, soulless eyes.â
âSo my normal eyes. Got it. You would have to come by to film me in my bed.â
âI was thinking that you could use my bed.â
âThe AmazingPhil room? Danâs eyes widened. âWouldnât people be able to tell?â
âNo, the bigger one I actually sleep in now. I only showed that room once and didnât really point the camera at the bed, but we can go to your flat if you want.â
âIf you think it will work well for the shot, we can do it here,â Dan said. âDo you have any decent non-green sheets?â
âLol, shut up, rat. Iâll have you know I use manly blue and grey sheets now.â
âOoh! So manly!â Dan laughed.
âVery!â Phil laughed. âSo, where do you want to lay like a dying slug first, the bed or the sofa?â
âHmmm, the sofa?â
âGreat. Go to my closet and get some joggers or something comfy while I make the popcorn, donât worry about it, you will have a blanket on you,â Phil said.
Dan gave him an amused smile and trotted along to the bedroom. Five minutes later he was back in grey joggers and a basic white T-shirt.Â
Phil had to curse himself for suggesting grey joggers, they really brought the best out in Dan, so he tried to keep his eyes above the belly button and focus on filming. Once Dan had lay down, Phil threw a blanket on him and did a few shots throwing popcorn on his face while Dan remained motionless. They had to alternate with the ones where he was called and just rolled over or buried himself under the blanket because Dan kept eating the popcorn and Phil had to keep making more.Â
Once they confirmed that they had what they needed, they went straight to the bed and stripped it bare, choosing different bedding for the take. A moody charcoal grey set was perfect for it and it matched Danâs colours. If Phil angled it right, nobody would be able to tell it was his bed.
Dan decided to take his top off before getting into bed to be more accurate and Phil tried very hard not to stare, checking the exposure on the camera for a bit. When Dan told him that he was ready, it was time for Phil to basically walk over him and film him from above. It took them a few tries and Phil almost fell on Dan and probably cracked his ribs, but they got it. Dan seemed to really like the idea and promised to use it.Â
âOk, so thatâs what I had planned,â Phil finally said.
âWait, I have a few ideas to add. Do you have cereal and yoghurt? Like the thick Greek kind?â
âYeahâŚâ Phil answered.
âOk, and birthday decorations?â
âThatâs pushing it a bit but I have like a few party hats and candles.â
âGreat, letâs do this,â Dan said. âBy the way. I just saw a hilarious clip of you messing up on that gas leak video in your sd card. You should post it to shorts.â
Phil considered it briefly; that would save him a lot of work. âI have quite a few bloopers. It could be a lessamazingphil video.â
âDefinitely.â
---
May 2017
As June got closer and closer without an end in sight for the BIG project, Phil suggested that Dan focus on his other videos, the ones that would serve as an introduction for his magnum opus.Â
Dan was still very complicated about what month each video could be posted on, so his coming out was reserved for June of 2018. It was not an easy decision. Heâd expressed how he feared giving himself more time to work on it would result in him freaking out about it and having to scrap the entire project, but Phil reminded him that he would be there to support him and that each person had their own time. There was no need to rush.
And so it began.
This obviously meant that Phil had to push his own coming out video to the following year, which made Dan feel very guilty, but Phil told him that it wasnât a big deal to him, it hadnât been for years since he was not in the closet exactly, not to those close to him at least.Â
Dan continued to support Phil on his projects as he stressed on his own and even helped him move out of his iconic flat into one that would have less of a stalker problem and that would allow him to have a better work/life balance. They even snapped a few pictures but Phil decided to keep them to themselves. It was then that Phil finally felt confident enough to evict his fringe and change it into a quiff, which got him a lot of praise from the viewers, but most importantly, from Dan.
During the rest of the year, as Dan began to post videos and dared to be more vulnerable with his audience, the views and subscribers started to grow and grow fast. Dan was a bit nervous at first but also excited to be able to share his personal growth and use his platform to help people as much as possible. He knew how much representation mattered because he saw none growing up. He wanted to be there for people, discussing serious topics in his classic style, full of dark humour but toning the self-deprecation down.Â
A part of this new era on Danâs career included a very necessary rebranding, finally letting go of his danisnotonfire persona and being Daniel Howell, the person. Letting people see the real him and being loved for it did wonders for Danâs self-esteem and helped him get even closer to Phil since his insecurities had been a big part of their problems in the past.
Dan posted a string of related videos and the mini (unofficial) series was a success. It was a trifecta; the perfect storm. The first one was about his self-discovery journey and him trying to learn what he wanted to do with life, the second one was about his depression and mental health in general and in June of 2018 came the big finale of the series: Basically Iâm Gay.
June 2018
On the day BIG was set to be posted, Phil declined Danâs invitation to watch it together. Not that he hadnât watched parts of it before, but he knew how heavy the script was, and Dan hadnât wanted to show him the full video before posting, so this would be the first time he would hear some parts of Danâs story and he knew it would break his heart into a million pieces and potentially make him cry like a child.
As soon as he saw the tweet, he clicked on the link, his hands shaking, and hit play, letting Danâs voice captivate him and let him into his mind. Dan looked so confident and beautiful with his black sequin jacket and the rainbow lighting switching during the entire video like a soft gay halo. Things started somewhat sad but as the story progressed into Danâs teen years, Phil knew it was only going to get worse. He let out a choked sob when Dan spoke about that night so many years ago, when Phil had missed his calls, the time Dan had almost -
He didnât want to think about a world without Dan. He had imagined that was what Dan had hinted at at the time, but a part of him hadnât wanted to believe it; especially because Dan had tried to reach out and Phil had been out getting drunk and almost lost him entirely.
He felt incredibly guilty, but at the same time, he knew that he shouldnât focus on that and make the video about himself. Instead, he clicked back a bit and really paid attention to what Dan had to say, to understand more of his pain and be able to support him.
The end of the video gave Phil a great inkling of where Danâs journey was at the moment and what he wanted and needed to do. He would try his best to make that happen for him. He shot Mark a quick text asking him for tickets to Noahâs drag show and scrolled down to see the interactions.
Phil could only hope that the comments under the video specifically would be good and supportive; if this video tanked or got a bunch of negative comments, it could hurt Danâs healing on the topic and probably ruin their new friendship - relationship? They still hadnât addressed that and it was probably still too soon to do so.
Thankfully, the response was overwhelmingly positive and Dan was even featured on YouTubeâs front page. The video was in every recommended box and other youtubers, past and present, supported him and listened to his story carefully.
Shortly after Dan started replying to people, Phil wrote very carefully a tweet of his own, mentioning how proud he was of Dan and letting the viewers know that he may have a video coming as well.
Opening Twitter was something else. He was so glad he hadn't seen the video before and was a part of everyone's experience now. There were tears and excitement and more gifs than you could count about having Dan back and getting to know him all over again and the person he was now. âDan Howellâ, âPhilâ and âDan and Philâ were trending worldwide. Yes, Dan and Phil were still Dan and Phil but they were also two separate entities with different goals and approaches to things. And people seemed to be aware of it already.
He was so proud of Dan and so proud of the little goblins that enjoyed their videos for trying to avoid hurting Danâs feelings or being offensive. It hadnât always been like that in the past, but it now seemed that the viewers had grown quite a bit as people as well; or perhaps the bad ones had gotten bored and left, it was hard to tell.
Phil grabbed his phone again to send Dan a text but before he could send it, his doorbell rang. Not his actual external doorbell, but the one right outside his flat. His heart crawled up to his throat as he walked to the door and looked out the peephole but it was entirely pitch black.
âBoo!â Dan said, almost killing him of a heart attack. He stepped away from the door snickering.
Phil opened the door and swatted at his arms before dragging him inside by his shirt. âIdiot. How did you even get up here?â
âA pretty girl asked me who I was looking for and I said you so she let me in. She was flirty,â Dan said with a smirk.
Frowning, Phil thought who the skank would be⌠âBlonde, fried ends with lips too big for her face?â
âI guess,â Dan shrugged.
âI guess sheâs pretty, if youâre into that.â
âAwww, donât be like that. She let me in to see you. Donât be jealous.â
âWhat if you were a killer?â Phil asked, poking Danâs chest with his finger.
âI donât think I look like a killer,â Dan laughed.
âExactly, so you would get away with it easier,â Phil said. âI have a spare key, you can have it.â He hadnât really thought about it until then, but that was actually a big step. Dan had never had a key to his place. Was it the right time? He paused until he saw Danâs smile widened and his hand extending, expecting the key to be placed on it. He grabbed it from the console table and gave it to Dan.
âThank you,â Dan said. âThat would be very helpful. And if someone kills you, I can find your body first.â
Phil narrowed his eyes at him. âDonât get any ideas,â he said in mock offence and walked down the hallway, plopping himself down onto the grey sofa.
âThis sofa needs a good crease to be more ergonomic,â Dan commented, as he sat down and shuffled in place to get more comfortable.Â
âYouâll have to come by more often and create it yourself.â
Dan opened his mouth to answer but saw Philâs laptop open on the coffee table, still on his video. He looked at Phil expectantly. âWell?â
âIt was amazing. Itâs my favourite video that youâve ever made. Very raw and honest, sad at times and very funny.â
âThank you,â Dan said. âYour tone changed, you were chirpier. Did the mention of our story bother you orâŚâ
âNo!â Phil said, sitting upright, his hands picking at the fluff balls on his pyjama pants. âOf course not, and you had shown me that part anyway.â He paused, considering his next words very carefully. âIt just brought me back to that week when you wouldnât answer my messages or calls after I went out and missed yours. I remembered the panic and the worry, and then when you half told me what had happened and I tried to make myself believe that it was not what you meant because I didnât want to think about losing you. It was a scary week.â He cleared his throat to avoid getting choked up and tried to blink his unshed tears away.
âIâm sorry to have worried you like that.â Dan reached his hand towards Phil and Phil immediately took it. âIâm glad that my grandma was there for me and gave me a place to stay while I recovered from that ordeal,â he said. âIâm glad that Iâm here now, with you. I couldnât have done it without you, even back then when we were just internet friends. Most days talking to you was all I could look forward to. You were the only positive influence in my life.â
Phil didnât know what to say, so he just pulled Dan into a hug and rubbed his back. âIâm so glad that youâre here,â he whispered, his voice cracking. âIâm so proud of you.â
âThank you,â Dan said, returning the hug. âAnd thank you for giving me a second chance. No matter what, you will always be my best friend.â
âThatâs true. No matter what,â Phil said and pressed a small kiss to Danâs cheek, feeling him smile and seeing his little dimple make an appearance.
---
That Saturday, Dan came over to get his outfit checked before they headed to the drag show. He was nervous as that would be his first outing to a gay establishment after his official coming out.Â
Phil had no idea why Dan wanted his approval. His fashion sense was immaculate and he had worked hard on curating a very nice closet. In short, Dan looked fucking hot, stunning, divine, and Phil tried very hard not to say that, and just give him an appropriate amount of praise. On the other hand, Phil suspected that what was making Dan so nervous was meeting Mark again after what went down between them and the fact that Mark had it out for him. On that aspect, Phil didnât know if Dan was terrified of being judged or just outright jealous of Mark. It was no accident that after over a year from the day Dan and Phil hit reset on their friendship, Dan and Mark had not shared space at all.
âMaybe I should change, I have another shirt in my backpack. I just need to iron it,â Dan said and reached for his bag.
Phil pulled him by the shirt and gave him a slow kiss, effectively shutting him up. âWhatâs going on in here?â he asked, tapping on Danâs forehead.
âWhat do you mean?â Dan asked, playing coy.
Phil just raised his eyebrows at him. âWhy are you so nervous?â
âI havenât seen Mark in years, the last time he saw me I looked stupid, he hates me and heâs really hot and his partner too. Also, they are out and have been since like 2008 or something and Iâm just here, I feel like Iâm on my gay training wheels.â
Phil rubbed his arms gently. âI know why you say that, but you have come out to some people before, right? You had a boyfriend.â
Dan looked down in shame. âI never introduced him to anyone because I was too scared. We just hung out with his friends but I never actually took him anywhere.â
The silence that hung between them made Dan finally look back at him.
Phil must have given him a shocked look because Danâs face fell immediately, his expression was very defensive.
âI wasnât ready to be out,â Dan said, trying to justify his actions. âI know it was bad to get him into that situation, thatâs why I apologised so much to him. He was right to break up with me.â
âI mean⌠It is a very complex situation but he did agree to date you under those circumstances,â Phil said, carefully considering the matter and wondering if he would have accepted those terms himself. âYou did things in your own timeline and nobody can fault you, at least for that part of the story.â
âHe said that I was a disaster and he doubted my ability to help LGBTQ+ people as a therapist given that I hadnât worked through my own trauma or come out to anyone and I wasnât really living the way I wanted,â Dan said. âThat hurt me a lot, but I canât say that he was wrong. Even if itâs easier to see other peopleâs mistakes and to know what they should do from the outside, I hadnât gone through what I would probably advise them to do.â
âA valid point,â Phil conceded. âExpressed in quite a cruel way, but given that it was a breakup and that he knew you were trying to speak to me again⌠I understand.â
âYeah, yeah. Of course, I understand,â Dan said.
Phil gave him a quick peck on the lips and smiled reassuringly. âWe should go,â Phil said, looking at the time on his phone. âI donât want to get there after the show starts, itâs disrespectful.â
Dan grabbed his jacket and put it on, checking himself in the mirror by the front door. âAlright, Iâm ready,â he said but paused. âDoes Mark still kiss you randomly?â
âNo, of course not. You know he has a boyfriend,â Phil said. âAnd we havenât been involved like that since like 2013. It was a mutual decision and to help the change move faster he moved out of the flat that same year. We never looked back.â
âDo you miss it?â Dan asked, biting his lip. âDo you wish it was still like that?â
âNo,â Phil said, trying not to lose his patience with Dan. He had his doubts and even if he had chosen a very inconvenient moment to ask them, he deserved full honesty. Phil looked into Danâs eyes for a moment and thought that another question would be coming but Dan just smiled and let out a happy sigh.
âAlright,â Dan said. âLetâs go.â
By the time they made it to the club, the place was booming but Mark had saved them a table. He was sitting at their usual spot, waving them over and had the good grace of smiling at Dan, which was good since Phil didnât want to have to murder his friend.
âHey, Dan. I watched your video today, it was very powerful,â Mark said, patting Danâs shoulder. âFirst time out?â
Dan looked at Mark with misty eyes, sneaking a glance at Phil and smiling. âThank you so much,â he said, placing a hand on his chest. âYeah, thank you for having me.â
Phil could tell how happy this was making Dan. He was being validated not only by Philâs friend but by someone in the community that Dan had mentioned he feared would reject him. âTake this chair so you can see the stage better. Noah is so talented! He looks just like Lady Gaga in drag, which is hilarious.â
Dan sat where Phil had indicated, which left him with Phil at one side and Mark at the other. âWhat are we having?â he asked.
âFries, obviously and some cocktails or beer,â Phil said. âWhat would you like?â
âHmm, a margarita?â Dan smiled.
Phil smiled. Dan still liked his margaritas. âIâll have one too, but we can let the bar know we want to reserve a bottle of RosĂŠ for when Noah is done.â
âOh, honey, he told them already. You know how he gets,â Mark said, using his actual unguarded voice.
Dan and Philâs eyes widened. Dan because he had never heard Mark speak like that, and Phil because he knew that Mark only allowed a very small selection of people to hear him be openly flamboyant. He didnât care for masculine stereotypes but he did care about giving people things they could mock him for.
âPlease welcome Miss Kitty Tattletale!â said the announcer.
âThere she is! Woooooo!â Mark yelled and threw a rose at his boyfriend.
âThere he is, my husband!â Miss Kitty yelled, pointing at Mark. âWell,â she continued. âHeâs not my husband yet, but I know damn well that a ring is coming, or he wonât be coming any time soon!â She said and the crowd laughed. âIâm joking, love. I love you. So how is everyone doing tonight with this shit weather? I almost didnât have to tuck at all!â
Dan laughed and Mark joined him and patted his hand. Phil smiled. There were few ways faster to Markâs heart than through praising Noah or enjoying his show.
âI know, I know that being our holy month, we have a lot of newcomers in the house, perhaps people that are fresh out of the closet,â Miss Kitty said. The crowd cheered. âIâm going to ask you to please, cheer, yell and toast to welcome our new siblings, the newest members of our community, to let them know that they are loved and accepted here, no matter what the outside world says. Give it up for the babies!â
The crowd went wild, a few people were patted on the back by their friends. Mark and Phil cheered as loud as they could while Dan smiled so big, Phil thought his face was going to get stuck like that. Dan even rushed to wipe a tear rolling down his cheek but Phil saw it, silently reaching for his hand under the table and lacing their fingers together. Dan leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.
For the first lip sync Noah went for âBorn this wayâ and gave it his all, ending in a full split that reminded Phil just how unfit he was.
By the time the show ended, the three of them were quite tipsy and Dan had gone to the face paint station to get some glitter around his eyes, which suited him beautifully, like most things in life. Noah joined them bare faced and introduced himself to Dan before pulling him into a tight hug, as if they had been great friends for years. âOh, darling. Itâs so good to finally meet you. Phil had you hidden away, but I knew the day would come.â He then walked around the table and took the only available seat, right across from Dan.
âThank you. I just escaped his basement,â Dan joked.
âDid he have you all tied up?â Noah asked and without waiting for an answer he laughed. âHow kinky! Tell me, Dan, how are you enjoying the attention your video is getting?â
Dan blinked, surprised by the change in topic. âIt has been mostly good, so I am shocked. I expected some backlash, or to lose subscribers, that kind of thing, but it was quite the opposite. It has helped me view the world in a more positive light, I guess.â
âI am happy for you. I can tell that you worked hard on your video,â Noah said.
âI also told you that he worked hard on it,â Phil said.
âSome people work for something in a year and you canât tell, in this case, I could tell because the video was very entertaining but also honest and the script was very eloquent. You know, if you ever want to try drag, I think you would be good at it. Just let me know.â
âI would love that, but I think if I tried to wear heels, I would probably fall to my death,â Dan laughed. âIâm really clumsy.â
âIf Phil hasnât fallen with how many times we got him into a dress, thereâs probably hope for you,â Mark said.
Dan smiled and looked at Phil. âReally? How did you like it?â
âIt was fun, but tight dresses and heels are not my thing, it makes me feel a bit constricted,â Phil said, but the image of Dan in drag popped into his head and brought out a smile on him. âYou would look cute in a skirt though.â
Dan cocked his head, probably considering it, but shrugged. âMaybe.â
Noah tapped on Danâs shoulder excitedly. âHey, did Phil tell you we liked your play last year? Iâm sorry we couldnât stay, I was super tired.â
âHe did, actually. Thank you so much for coming!â
âOh, youâre welcome. Oh! Here comes the RosĂŠ!â Noah said. âLetâs make a toast!â He poured RosĂŠ for everyone and raised his own flute. âTo living your truth!â
âTo living your truth,â they all said. Phil snorted at Noahâs accidental admission to stalking Danâs channel. He hadnât expected anything else from his friends.
Dan smiled widely and mouthed a thank you to Phil before shuffling closer to him.
That night, Phil considered inviting Dan to sleep over but he knew how fast things could escalate, especially while they were both tipsy. He thought he was ready, but he wanted to see where Dan stood before things progressed, so they shared a taxi, each getting out at their respective flat.
---
On the last day of June, Phil finally posted his own coming out video. It was short and mostly positive, merely conveying part of his journey as a young gay teen and how that differentiated him from his friend group, and offering a bit of advice to his viewers. People reacted very positively to the video, as much as they did to Danâs but what really put a smile on his face was cuddling up on the sofa with Dan and answering the array of texts flowing in from the northern gang.
Richie: Congrats Phil! I canât believe you are out on the internet. I saw Danâs video too btw.
Phil: Thanks. Iâll never get used to seeing your name as richie. I donât know a richie.
Anja: Now that he knows lying has consequences he canât keep the big dick display name. Congrats Phil!Â
Sarah: I really loved how short and to the point the video was. And the closet thing too! That was super funny.
Anja: You should have really posted the closet bit only as a joke, but I understand that you care about your art xD.
Richie: Hey! I was just putting Christina to bed and I come back to pure slander. Shame on you Anja!
Ian: I mean⌠letâs not dwell on that for your sake. Congrats Phil! The wife and kid say hi.Â
Phil: Tell them I said hi back. How is Angie?
Ian: Growing faster than I would like to. She made a unicorn with beads for you. It has flaming rainbow hair.
Phil: I want it. Save it for me.
Ian: Isnât it time for us to get together? It has been way too long.Â
Anja: Yes!!!
Richie: Bring Dan. He never bullied me like these roaches.
Ian: I wonât bully you if you bring Christina.
Richie: Deal.
Phil showed Dan his phone and saw his smile widened
âDid you tell them we are together?â Dan asked.
Phil shook his head. âI guess they just assumed.â
Phil: Dan and I are not together.
Sarah: What?
Anja: PhilâŚ
Phil: We are taking things slowly, seeing where we are now. Still working on it.
Anja sent an audio: âPhil I swear to fucking god, it has been years. Get on with it!â
Dan cackled and buried his face in Philâs neck. âShe does have a point.â
Phil: Weâre waiting until marriage.
Ian: Can you also invite Mark or would he fight Dan to the death?
Phil: debatable. Iâll get back to you on that.
He laughed and let his phone slide between the couch cushions, choosing to kiss Dan instead of keeping the conversation going.
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Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 10: Wild Horses
The following morning, Noah and Mark made him breakfast and hugged him before leaving for work. Phil smiled at the thought that Mark and Noah sometimes acted like his stand-in parents; he was glad that they never made him feel like a third wheel and that Noah was so wonderful, just accepting their friendship and joining instead of trying to break them apart.
Taking a deep breath, Phil thought about the day ahead. He was not going to check his phone for any sign of Dan because he knew that it would probably take a few days for him to reach out. If he put it into his head that today was the day Dan would text, he would only get anxious. Instead, he went for a morning walk after breakfast, bought lunch and came back home to work on his next video. He considered it for a moment. If Dan really wanted to go on with the project heâd mentioned, it would bring his own sexuality into question, so why not take the opportunity to make a coming out video of his own?
To be fair, Phil wasnât really in the closet, everyone knew. Or most people knew anyway, he just didnât announce it. Maybe it was time for a change.Â
He grabbed a notebook and started the script titled âComing Out To You.â It was a bit sassy but it was the truth; Phil wasnât coming out in general, this was just for his viewers, for them to know a bit more about him, to feel loved and accepted, and to open the door to that conversation. This would come with the added bonus of finally being able to make gay jokes on his channel and it would also probably cost him some sponsors, but if he couldnât afford to come out with so many subscribers and after 10 years on the platform, what was the point?
He made this script his lifeline, a mental escape from his reality and the imminent wrecking ball to his mental stability that Danâs text could potentially be. He paused briefly to consider what he would do if Dan backed out of his own project or on wanting to name Phil. He decided that he had made himself to focus on the video so much that he was going to work on it anyway.
It took 3 more days for Dan to contact him. By Sunday, Phil was starting to worry, despite his attempt to avoid thinking about Dan. Maybe the problem was that the script was ready and he had even chosen an outfit to film in. Luckily, just as he was finishing his lunch, Dan texted through Messenger.
âHey, can we talk?â
âAlright,â Phil replied.
âReally? Just like that?â
âThatâs what we agreed on when we last spoke and my friends think that I should talk to you.â
âMark?â Dan asked and Phil could hear the jealous tone even in written form.
Phil rolled his eyes. âPartially. His boyfriend said that we should talk. Mark didnât comment on it but said that he would break your legs if you hurt me.â
âI see,â Dan replied. âWhere would you like to meet?â
âYou can come to my flat.â
âDoes Mark still live with you? I need my legs.â
âPlanning on hurting me?â
âTechnically I already have so I am looking out for myself.â
âI like how you used technically right there.â
âI feel like if we continue this conversation in writing it will not end well for me, so please give me your address and let me know when I can come over.â
Phil sent his address and paused for a moment. âYou can come over today, any time that works for you.â
âThank you. I will take a shower and take a taxi.âÂ
Phil reacted to the message with crazy eyes.
âDonât react me,â Dan said, making him laugh.
An hour and a half later, the doorbell rang and Phil checked himself in the mirror before opening the door. âHi,â he said, sounding almost shy.
Dan smiled at him, probably relieved to see that Phil was not immediately angry at him. âHi,â he said and handed him a Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks.Â
Phil looked at his cup and thought back to the endless hours they had shared at Starbucks back in Manchester. âThank you.â
âI just figured this would make it so you donât have to keep making us drinks that we forget to drink,â Dan said and stepped inside, looking around already. âThis is nice.â
Phil resisted the urge to remind Dan that this was supposed to be their shared flat. He had never sent Dan the link to the ad because he was already distant towards him. âYeah.â
âIâm glad that YouTube has been good to you.â
He smiled and didnât comment.
âWhat?â Dan asked.
âNothing.â
Dan raised one eyebrow at him. âReally, Lester?â
Phil sighed. âI moved into this apartment in 2013 to take the job at the BBC and paid one year of rent upfront in cash with my savings.â
âOh, this is the one⌠I didnât know. You donât really show your flat a lot in videos.â
Philâs lips formed a tiny O as he caught onto that tidbit of information. âSo you still watch my videos.â
Dan blushed. âIâve always been your fan,â he said, and for once, he wasnât being sarcastic or trying to sound edgy. âAre we going to sit somewhere or are we just going to stand here by the door?â
Phil rolled his eyes. âCome on. Letâs sit on the sofa and drink these before they go cold.â He took a few sips as they walked for good measure. Phil let Dan sit and joined him on the sofa, taking a spot near him, but leaning back against the armrest to avoid any awkward touching. Besides, from this spot, he could really look at Dan without it being so obvious. His eyes followed the outline of Danâs nose, his dry lips, his rosy patch and all the way down to his black sequin jacket that was catching the afternoon sun and projecting rainbows around the room.Â
âSoâŚâ Dan said.
Phil stayed silent and just gave him a look, indicating that he should start.
Dan swallowed and gave a small nod. âI gave your analysis of everything a lot of thought and I couldnât untangle it alone, so I called my therapist and booked an emergency session, which turned into almost 3 and then I continued on my own,â he said. âI believe you were right. I thought that I had everything fairly processed so this caught me off guard. I was so mad at myself for not seeing it sooner.â
âIâm glad that you agree.â
âThis whole situation, meeting you in a random street in London⌠it brought so many memories and, honestly, so many issues back.â He took a sip of his drink and continued, his eyes looking around the room, avoiding Philâs eyes. âI thought that I had it together and I liked the life I was living, but then I saw you and - Iâm not over you.â He finally looked into Philâs eyes with an openness that made Phil shiver. âIt was so easy to see when I was not focusing on helping other people, when you were no longer just part of my past, so I had a mental breakdown.â
Phil tried not to smile but failed miserably. Even if it amounted to nothing, and even though he might not have wanted to admit it to himself the first time he heard it, he was happy to know that Dan still had feelings for him. It almost sounded too good to be true.
âArenât you going to say anything?â Dan asked, frowning.
âI am saying many things - inside my head.â He sipped on his coffee and set it back on the coffee table.
âCare to share with the class?â
âFine,â Phil huffed. âI thought that I was over you because Iâve tried my best to not even think about you, but Noah said that itâs obvious that I have not moved on and other things I am not going to repeat. And I realised that heâs right.â He paused, doubting on whether he should really say it but seeing Dan in front of him, nearly holding his breath, made him take that leap of faith. âI had managed to convince myself that everything was fine, but no. Happy?â
âVery,â Dan said with a gorgeous smile. âDo you think we can try again? I would like to see where this goes and if it doesnât work out, I would still like to stay friends.â He reached out once again, just like he had a few days ago, waiting for Philâs reaction.
Phil looked at him, hesitating briefly and nodded, taking Danâs hand and lacing their fingers together before setting their joined hands on his leg. Then, a thought crossed his mind. âWhat about Sebastian?â he asked. âIsnât he your boyfriend?âÂ
âNot anymore. I thought I was happy with him, but there was never a chance that I would choose him over you and he knew that even before me,â Dan said, chewing on his lip for a moment. âHe actually broke up with me before I could even think about it.â
âOh,â Phil said, trying to not sound happy about it.
âHe was right to break up with me,â Dan said, downing the rest of his coffee and setting the cup down. âItâs ok. When I came home from the play and he had moved out I felt relief. Thatâs a horrible thing to say, Phil. But itâs the truth.â
âHow long had you been together?â
âAlmost a year.â
âNever made it that long with anyone,â Phil blurted out before he could stop himself.
âReally?â Dan frowned.
âThey werenât you,â Phil said, watching Danâs gleeful smile appear at the comment. âI stopped going out, I stopped hooking up with random guys. At this point, I could almost qualify as a virgin again.â
Dan smirked and his eyes darkened. âI doubt that.â
Phil knew that look well. âBehave,â he said, squeezing Danâs hand. âWe canât just pick up where we left off. Things donât work that way. Last time we rushed into it and it got complicated.â
âThatâs true but -â Dan pouted.
âNo buts. Letâs just hang out and see how we feel about it. See where it goes, if it goes anywhere.â
âAlright,â Dan said, but the air around them was still charged. âLetâs play some games.â
Phil smiled and let out a sigh of relief, he was hanging onto the will to resist Danâs lustful eyes from a thread. He wanted it too, but not just for a day. He wasnât going to repeat that mistake. There was still a chance that Dan would freak out again. He reluctantly let go of Danâs hand. âMario Kart?â
âAlways,â Dan smiled.
Phil turned the console on and reached for his coffee, downing the last third of it.
âYou still havenât finished it?â
âNo, you know I forget Iâm drinking something and I finish it when I remember it.â He grabbed a cup containing half of his morning coffee and finished it as well just to prove a point. âThis was my breakfast.â
âCome on, man!â Dan said. âGet it together!â
Phil winked at him with both eyes, sending Dan into a fit of laughter. Fuck, Phil had missed that sound. The hyena laugh.
To the surprise of no one, Dan won most of the races until Phil decided to slide closer to him and lay partially against him. Slowly but surely, Dan started to shift his attention from the game towards Phil, giving him little touches, playing with his hair and eventually, just pulling him to sit on his lap. That was the moment they dropped the controllers and just put on a random Studio Ghibli movie.Â
Dan was fully enjoying messing with Philâs hair, giving him odd hairdos. He ran his fingers through it, pushing it into a quiff. âI like your hair pushed back.â
âDid you just quote Regina George to me?â
Dan barked out a laugh. âI think I did.â
âI know you did,â Phil said, poking Danâs tummy. It was so soft. Phil wanted to lift his T-shirt and look at it.
âYou look so gorgeous, Phil,â Dan mumbled. âI hope you donât mind me saying it. You were always hot but right now youâre just stunning. I canât cope with that.â
âMe?â Phil said and paused. If he told Dan what he was thinking about his body, things were going to get out of hand, so he reformulated. âYour curly hair suits you so well and your back looks so good too. You look so strong now.â
âThanks, I think I finally hit puberty,â Dan laughed. âDo you really like my hair like this?â
Phil nodded. âItâs perfect. So pretty,â he said looking at Dan over his shoulder.
Dan wrapped his arms around Philâs frame and dropped a small kiss to the tip of his nose.
Phil pressed his back to Danâs chest and dropped his head back just so, their breaths mixing together as they got lost in each otherâs eyes, the moment held them captive. Phil swallowed and cleared his throat, giving him a wide smile before looking away. It was not time yet. âHow is your video idea coming along?â he asked instead.
âI paused it until we could discuss it again.â
âI like it a lot. I started a script of my own.â
âOh?â
Phil finally got up from Danâs lap and went in search of his notebook. He found it laying on his bed, uncapped pen at its side and everything. No, there was not a blue dot on his sheets, thank you for asking. âHere,â he said, handing it over to Dan.
Danâs eyes widened when he read the title but he kept going, laughing here and there until he reached the end and looked up at Phil. âI love it. Itâs much more detailed than your usual draft. Or - more detailed than what you used to write long ago.â
âI still draft the same way, itâs just for this project. I want to say the right thing and keep it brief, you know?â
Dan nodded. âI was thinking about hiring an editor, some are not as expensive as Iâd thought. And for visuals⌠Do you remember Hector from Shittywatercolour? The one who made illustrations of us back in the day? I contacted him and can you believe that he agreed to do some illustrations for it?â He let out a deep sigh and shook his head, twirling a paper napkin between his fingers. âThere are almost no people following me anymore, Iâm below a million, so this is just for me. I need this video, or a part of me will always feel inside the closet no matter what I do.â
â I understand,â Phil said. âAre you scared of your familyâs reaction?â
Dan shook his head. âI emailed them last week.â
âWhat?â
âI kept backing out so one day I just sent them all an email. Everyone was cool except for my dad, so I cut him out of my life. No surprise there. Nana and Popsie said that itâs ok as long as Iâm happy but I think they donât get it. Hopefully they will soon so that I can flaunt you at family gatherings and vacations.â
âReally?â Phil asked. He could almost picture that, but Dan was getting a bit ahead of himself.
âYeah,â Dan said. âFor now, I would like to flaunt you in a few weeks, if youâd like to go see my play. Itâs called âFamily Disasterâ and itâs about a family crumbling as one of its members spirals. The narrator is the person spiralling so things get a bit crazy and abstract at times.â
âSounds interesting,â Phil said. âOf course Iâll be there.â
âThank you, Philly,â Dan said, kissing his cheek quickly.
Phil felt his heart grow twice its size inside his chest just from hearing Dan calling him Philly again.
----
Phil both loved and hated the fact that he and Dan were so compatible, now maybe even more so than before. Having grown as individuals had given them a sort of new perspective on life, yet their opinions, their humour and even their flirting had followed the same path. It was almost as if they were soulmates, just as Dan had said in the past, despite insisting that he didn't believe in any of that.
In the following weeks, proofreading and reworking Danâs script for his âJune Videoâ was easily overtaking his life. Danâs passion was just that infectious and it seeped into Philâs soul, making him even more excited over his own coming out video. At first, he didnât want to show Dan his work because they were very different videos but Dan was so eager to see it that Phil just couldnât deny him.Â
âSo youâre filming it literally inside the closet,â Dan snorted.Â
âI thought the old-time viewers would appreciate the irony,â Phil said with a smirk.Â
Dan leaned in for a quick peck on the cheek. âI do appreciate it, thank you for thinking about my preferences.â
âDork.â Phil felt himself blush and couldnât help but smile like an idiot. It was all so new yet so familiar. They were officially doing a take two on their friendship but after some debating, they decided that certain things were allowed, such as hugging, cuddling and oftentimes, hand-holding, although not in public. âI was thinking, do you think itâs still alright for me to go see your play? I mean, if we are trying to be low-key about it.â
âI doubt that anyone we know will go see it and actually notice you in the crowd,â Dan said. âBut if you feel unsure about it you donât have to go. We can totally skip that and I can come over after, if you let me have a shower though; Iâll be a sweaty boy.â
âNo, itâs not that Iâm unsure about it,â Phil rushed to reassure Dan. âItâs just that-â he stopped himself, not wanting to plant the seed in Danâs mind.
âWhat? You can tell me,â Dan said softly.
Phil knew he would confess all his secrets to Dan if he asked in that tone. He sounded calm, open, honest, ready to discuss things maturely and willing to listen carefully. âI am a bit hesitant because⌠I fear that you will freak out if someone realises Iâm there, and I donât want that to happen. I want to avoid any setbacks.â
Dan nodded. âI understand, but I donât think I will. I know that the chance always exists but I know the chance exists, but even if it were to happen, Iâm ready.â
Phil pulled him into a tight hug and smiled widely, slowly swaying from side to side, taking his time to let Dan know how proud of him he was without a single word. He pressed a kiss to Danâs shoulder. âLook for me in the audience.â
âI never stopped looking,â Dan whispered.
---
When the day for Danâs last show came, and with the support of his friends, Phil was ready to watch the play. He, along with Mark and Noah, sneaked almost last to a decent sized theatre and took their seats in the gallery, waiting for Dan to make an appearance.Â
Phil was in awe, his eyes fixated on Dan as he did such an amazing job of fleshing out his character's emotions, putting his entire body into it and not only relying on the dialogue. It was a sad play but it had a hopeful ending as âTomâ underwent treatment for his mental disorder, which had gone unnamed the entire play and the family sat down to eat in a much calmer way, the lighting brighter, reminiscing of a summer afternoon in contrast to the dark and moody ambient from before.
The lights were on and the entire cast came out to bow for their audience. Phil stood and joined the crowd in the final applause. Only then did he tear his eyes away from Dan and saw Noah and Mark at his side, clapping and giving him a knowing look.Â
Looking back to the stage, Phil made eye contact with Dan, who winked at him and made a head incline. Phil smiled, feeling as if the butterflies in his stomach were going to fly out of his mouth at any given moment.
Noah leaned closer. âI liked the idea of going out to dinner and finally meeting Dan but it looks like you might want some privacy.â
Phil raised one eyebrow at him and blushed but didnât address the comment. âWe can go out to dinner as we agreed.â
âPlease, he has managed to sneak looks your way the entire time,â Mark said. âWe can go out some other time, Iâm sure heâll stick around.â
âReally?â Phil asked. âI thought I was imagining it.â
âNo, it was obvious if you knew what to look for. He was smart about it,â Noah said. âHeâs a good actor.â
Phil nodded proudly. âHe was a theatre kid.â
âThat makes sense,â Noah said. âWell, weâll see you another time. Keep us updated.â
Mark wrapped his arms around Noah, setting his chin on his shoulder happily. âRemind him what I said. He better be good to you.â
âShush,â Phil said, rolling his eyes. He looked down at the stage and found Dan still staring at him with a huge smile.
----
Phil stayed in his seat until most people had left the theatre and only then went in search of Dan at the back entrance. He whispered a brief hello and grabbed Philâs hand, catching him by surprise, and led him to a taxi. Once they were sitting inside, Dan just blurted Philâs address and turned to look at him with wide eyes. âIs that alright? Sorry, Iâm just tired and since your friends left I figured we could stay in.â
âOf course. Pizza and Mario Kart sound good?â
Dan let out a breathy laugh. âYou know me so well,â he said, wrapping one arm around Philâs frame.
Letting his head rest on Danâs shoulder, Phil relaxed and kept thinking about what heâd seen on stage. Dan was born to be in the spotlight, itâs where he looked more comfortable and at peace.Â
âWhat did you think of it?â Dan asked.
âYou were amazing and the play was very interesting. It was very creative.â
âHmm, Is that a good thing?â
âIt is. I could tell that you put some of your psych knowledge into it. It was a nice metaphor on mental health and the impact it has on the person and their family.â
Dan nodded happily and stared straight ahead. âCan I still take that shower?â
âSure,â Phil said, begging his mind to stop in its tracks. He looked at a droplet of sweat, or perhaps it was water, that fell from Danâs hair and ran down his neck, disappearing under his white shirt.
Dan pinched Philâs leg when he tried to pay the taxi, paying it himself instead and helping Phil out of the car. Once they were in the flat, Dan pulled him into a tight hug and stared into his soul for a moment before pressing their lips together. The fireworks igniting in Philâs body were threatening with setting him on fire. They moved slowly, tentatively, but Phil could feel Danâs love for him in every touch of their lips, in every sigh, in the way Danâs hand rested on his neck softly.Â
Dan was relentless and it was starting to affect Phil, the heat rising within him by the second. It was too soon for that. Phil stepped away and smiled when he caught Danâs lips chasing after him. âYou can use anything from my closet, the shower is down the hall.â
âSorry,â Dan mumbled, blushing slightly and running upstairs, presumably to Philâs bedroom in search of clothes.Â
Phil pulled his phone out and called Dominoâs ordering what used to be their usual. He then went to the living room to set the console and the plates before sitting on the couch for a bit. He was startled by a hand on his shoulder but relaxed when he opened his eyes and saw Dan, his hair still dripping from the shower, wearing his cookie monster pyjama pants and his York hoodie. That pulled at his heartstrings; Dan had always loved to wear that hoodie. âDid I fall asleep?â
âYou did,â Dan laughed and pointed at the pizza on the coffee table.
âFuck, I missed the doorbell?â Phil mumbled.
âItâs fine, it was a funny interaction with the delivery guy. I came out in a towel.â
âYou went all the way down in a towel?â Phil asked with wide eyes.Â
âNo! Oh my god!â Dan snorted. âI buzzed him in and got the door here. Still an unsettling view for the poor guy though.â
Phil rolled his eyes. âUnsettling, right.â He paused. âHave you considered being a model?â
âAre you serious? I could never! I look like a potato.â
âShut up, youâre gorgeous!â
âI donât see it,â said Dan and Phil was sad to look into his eyes and realise that he still believed that. âDonât give me that face,â he said.
âI just think youâre so beautiful and I wish you could see it. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes,â Phil said, still trying to find the right words.
âIâm working on it... Baby steps,â Dan said and shoved him to the side unceremoniously to fit at his side.Â
âWhatâs wrong?â Dan asked, his brow furrowed with worry.
Phil poked his side and smiled at Danâs childishness. As the night progressed, they melted deeper and deeper into the couch until Phil checked his phone and his stomach dropped at the amount of Twitter notifications. He hadnât posted anything for a few days, this couldnât be good news.
âIs this 2012? My 13 year old self is crying tears of joy! My ship is sailing! @amazingphil @danielhowellâ Attached to the tweet were three pictures. One taken from Philâs back as he watched Dan on stage, one zoomed in from across the street as Dan guided him to the taxi and another at the first stoplight where Dan had already settled his arm on Philâs shoulder.
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 9: Dear Love
The anxiety-induced stomach pain was so strong that Phil thought he would start crawling up the walls of his flat. On one hand, he didnât want to cry, on the other, he felt that it would probably provide some sort of release to all the emotions heâd been bottling up for the past five years. He finally had answers, stupid answers, shitty answers even, but maybe this would help him move on. He walked into his flat and started stripping, leaving a trail of clothes all the way down to the bathroom where he looked at himself in the mirror and shook his head at his heartbroken expression. He hopped into a scalding shower, washing himself before deciding to sit there and let the water melt his pain away.
âI never got over you, Phil. I still feel exactly the same,â he heard Danâs voice saying over and over.Â
He huffed.
Phil was still mad because he had been the one trying to remain friends but his attempts had been met with rejection. It was not up to him to keep trying forever and it was very hurtful that Dan had taken it that way. Even if he couldnât handle the fact that Phil had feelings for him, they could have stayed friends, there was no need for Dan to leave him behind like a piece of trash.
His phone started ringing somewhere, his bedroom perhaps. It didnât matter, he could ignore it and whoever it was would give up soon enough - or thatâs what Phil had thought. It rang, and rang, and rang for a long time, until Phil got so annoyed that he towelled himself off and went in search of it.Â
It was laying on his bed, ringing, mocking him as he read the name displayed on the screen. It was Dan.Â
The fact that Dan had kept his phone number all this time and not texted him added salt to injury. This time he rejected the call and sent Dan to voicemail, smiling as he pictured Dan's dejected face on the other side of the line. It was out of sheer pettiness but he couldn't help himself; it was a small victory but a victory at last.
But it didnât last long. It seemed that Dan had chosen not to leave a voicemail and opted for calling back again. Phil raised one eyebrow as he shot daggers at his phone screen. He felt the pain inside him turn into ice, hot ice. âWhat do you want?â he spat as soon as he picked up the phone.
âPlease, Phil. Please, please letâs keep talking. I am willing to keep apologising to you.â
âOh, you can keep apologising as many times as you want and however you want. I heard your apology, which is more than what you did for me, that doesnât mean that you deserve to be forgiven.â
âI know that,â Dan said, his voice shaky, as if he was holding back tears. âI just - Iâm so sorry. And Iâm sorry that I was angry today. I had no right to be angry when I was the one to mess up everything,â he continued.
Hearing Dan so upset made Philâs eyes well up, but he refused to let the tears fall. He wouldnât give Dan that power over him. He took a deep breath and said his peace: âLet me ask you something: Have you considered that maybe I was never actually projecting and that by assuming that you not only treated me like an idiot but it was also clearly fueled by your unresolved low self-esteem? You just couldnât believe that someone you were attracted to and was your match in literally everything could be attracted to you because you hated yourself and didnât think that anyone else would truly love you so you made this theory up in your mind to justify running away?â
Dan sniffled but stayed silent for a little while, so much so that Phil wouldâve thought the call was dropped if he didnât hear Dan trying to calm himself through breathing techniques.Â
âSorry,â Dan said shakily.
âStop apologising!â Phil snapped.
âOk,â Dan mumbled. âI - I never thought about it like that.â
Phil wanted to question Dan on whether he truly got his degree because he felt that it was a fairly obvious analysis of the situation, but he decided that despite how hurt he felt, he was not going to insult Danâs intelligence so harshly. âSo you always doubted yourself, but in this particular matter, you decided to doubt me and my feelings and intentions, thinking that you were better at understanding me than myself. It couldnât have possibly been that someone actually cared about you. It had to be some sort of mistake or something that you manipulated me into,â he said, his tone as even as he could make it while still being upset.
âI canât- â Dan said. âI want us to keep talking about this, if you are up for it, but this changes everything. I think I need to take a few days to think about everything again and speak to my therapist. I am⌠freaking out again, to be honest.â
Phil thought about it for a moment. When he left the bar, he was sure that he didnât want to speak to Dan ever again but now he wasnât so sure anymore. Now he felt like he needed to see this through, wherever the discussion would take them. âAlright,â he said simply.
Dan let out a choked sob. âThank you, thank you,â he whispered. âI promise, I will call back soon, I just need to - yeah.â
Swallowing the urge to stay on the line and comfort Dan in spite of everything, Phil cleared his throat and spoke softly. âTake care.â
âYou too,â Dan said and Phil immediately disconnected the call.
Phil let his arm fall and stared at his phone screen. It was just after 7 and he was ready for the day to be over already but he hadnât eaten anything all day. He felt nauseous both because of his empty stomach and because of everything that happened.Â
He got into bed and pulled the covers over his head, feeling the tears prickling in his eyes, his breath becoming more laboured with every passing second as he hesitated to make the call. It rang twice before the call connected. âMark?â He said, trying to sound normal but failing.
âBabe, what happened?â he asked.Â
âLove? Oh, is it Phil?â asked Noah in the background.Â
âYeah,â Mark whispered. âSounds like heâs crying.â Then he addressed Phil. âYouâre on speaker now.â
âSorry,â Phil said. âI didnât know what else to do. I met up with Dan.â
âOh my god!â said Mark and Noah on the other side. âBabe, weâre coming,â added Noah.
Phil smiled, thankful that Noah had become such a good friend as well instead of being jealous of Phil and Markâs past. âThank you, guys.â
âAsk him if he needs food!â Noah yelled, now sounding further away from the call.
âHave you eaten?â Mark asked.
âNo, can you bring some bread, maybe?â
âOh, darling weâre bringing more than just bread,â Mark said.
âWeâre sleeping over!â Noah announced.
Phil nodded even though they couldnât see him. âAlright. Still have the key?â
âYou know I do,â Mark said. âTry to sleep a little if you can. Weâll be right over.â
âKay.â
For some reason, the call made his urge to cry ease away and replaced it with a pounding headache and dizziness. Phil shut his eyes and by the time he opened them Noah and Mark were in his bedroom with worried faces.
âBabe?â Mark tried, but Phil couldnât utter a word, instead, the dam finally broke and he began to sob like he hadnât sobbed in years, so much so that he could barely breathe. Mark pulled him into a tight hug and Noah sat at his side shushing him and rubbing circles on his back.
Eventually, Noah went to reheat the food for Phil and let them talk privately if they wanted to, loudly announcing when he was coming back into the room. âDo you want me to wait on the sofa?â
Phil reached a shaky hand out to him. âNo, donât leave.â
Noah nodded and sat at their side, his fingers still laced with Philâs.
âWhat happened?â Mark asked. âDid you just run into him again?â
âAgain?â Noah asked, raising one eyebrow.
Mark shot him a disapproving look which made Noah raise his hands. âSorry.â
âI ran into him a few days ago, he acted a bit odd, like he was surprised to see me. He was with his partner, a guy called Sebastian that kept shooting daggers at me, especially when Dan spent a few minutes talking to me as if we were completely alone, ignoring him until I just said hi.â
âNo!â said Noah, bewildered.
âYeah,â Phil said. âIt was weird. Then he wrote his phone number down on the palm of my hand and I left because thatâs when Mark was waiting for me at the cinema, and when I grabbed a soda it had condensation on the outside and it erased the number, so that was that.â
âRight,â said Mark, trying to make Phil cut to the present. âSo?â
Phil unlocked his phone and showed them the Facebook Messenger exchange.
âI thought you didnât have him as a friend,â Mark said as he skimmed through the messages.
âI didnât. He sent me the request after we ran into each other.â
âWhat happened today?â Noah pressed.
âWe argued a lot,â Phil admitted, pressing his hand to his forehead, attempting to keep the impending headache away. âIt was very messy. There were moments in which it was so easy to fall back into our old dynamic and I didnât even feel angry at him, but then I kept remembering how much he hurt me. His reasoning for cutting me off was very⌠complex.â He let out a frustrated sigh. âHe felt overwhelmed by a lot of things and he wanted to be with me, but he wasnât sure if I wanted to be serious about him and he was jealous of Mark too. Sometimes his explanation was conflicting in itself, he was going a bit in circles, particularly about why he never reached out.âÂ
Mark frowned. âWhat did he say?â
âThat he needed to stop being Dan from Dan and Phil to grow and accept himself, and he felt judged by people, so he stopped talking to me and he would do it again if he could go back in time, but he also said that he had hoped I would text him eventually. It didnât make a lot of sense.â Phil shrugged. âOh! And the best part was that he thought I was projecting because he was acting as my therapist at some point and itâs easy to fall for your safe person when you are unstable or something.â He tried not to get mad again, but just thinking about it all was not helping matters.
âI donât think that supporting someone as a friend qualifies as being their therapist. Otherwise, I am going to need a few thousand pounds from you,â said Mark, trying to soothe Phil with humour.
Phil gave him a small smile. âExactly. Then at one point we discussed him posting a video speaking about his entire issue with being online and his sexuality crisis and he wanted to mention that we were more than friends so he asked me if I was ok with it and if I would read the script.â
Noahâs eyes widened. âWhat did you say?â
âI didnât agree or disagree, but for a second there I was fully on board for reading his script. Then I started questioning his whole⌠reasoning behind how he acted and he brought Mark and me up, and how Mark would be rude and compete with him, and he still sounded jealous. He managed to slut shame me for having sex with my friends but also said that he was not over me, even now and that he still had feelings for me.â
Mark raised his hand. âI have a question. I donât want to think the worst of him, which is hard, because - well, you know how I feel about him.â
Phil nodded.
âBut I feel like this could be a ploy because he wants to post this comeback video and bring up the ship and say it was real. Like, you have 4 million subscribers now and he only keeps losing ever since he stopped posting,â Mark said.
âIf it was anyone else,â Phil said, shaking his head, âI think I would be suspicious of that, but I donât think thatâs it.â He still couldnât bring himself to think the worst of Dan.
âBut you said he has a boyfriend, right?â Noah asked.
âHe does,â Phil said, biting his lip and pausing for a moment. âBut after we agreed to meet, his relationship status changed to itâs complicated and the guy was no longer tagged in there.â
âI need your phone, like right now,â Noah said.
Phil gave him the phone and Noah gasped, covering his lips with his hand, his eyes full of glee. âHeâs single!â
âNo!â said Mark, trying to lean closer to see what his boyfriend was looking at. âDid he break up with his boyfriend for you?â
Phil shrugged. âI would have broken up with my boyfriend if they wanted to meet up with their former friend they used to fuck.â
Noah looked between them and shrugged. âIt depends on how things play out, I guess.â
âI swear you are the most mature person Iâve ever met,â Phil said, feeling a bit better with his friends at his side.
âWhen he wants to,â Mark added. âWe should eat before it gets cold.â
Noah rolled his eyes at the comment. âIâm fairly certain that itâs cold already but letâs move to the sofa and Iâll serve. If you guys want to put it in the microwave you can.â
âWhatâs for dinner?â Phil asked, feeling like a child. He got up and walked down the hallway with the guys in tow.Â
âPasta bolognese and roasted pears for dessert,â Noah said, as he walked into the kitchen.
âThank you!â Phil said, watching Noah begin to assemble the plates until he felt Mark pulling him away.
âWeâll be in the living room, love,â Mark said, dragging Phil to the living room and sitting him down on the sofa before taking the place next to him. He observed Phil in silence for a moment, seemingly trying to read his face âWhy were you so upset? Your timeline in this whole mess hasnât been very straightforward.â
Phil let out a frustrated huff; he always got distracted while telling stories. âThe conversation was confusing for me as well. We had nice moments, honest moments and we snapped at each other. So, we went out for a coffee and then he apologised and eventually said that he still had feelings for me and tried to grab my hand and I freaked out and left.â
âOh, that makes sense,â Mark said.
Noah walked in with their plates. âI was listening from the kitchen, I need my plate and Iâll be back.â
âAlright,â Phil said with a smile, speaking a bit louder so that Noah could hear better. âSo, I came home, hopped in the shower and tried to cry but I couldnât, and Dan was blowing up my phone. By the way, I never gave him my number back so he had it all this time and he didnât call.â
âWhat?â Noah screamed from the kitchen. He rushed back, nearly falling over with his meal.
Mark rolled his eyes and got up to help Noah settle with them.
âYeah, so I rejected his calls because I got angry about that, but he wouldnât stop calling so I picked up and by then Iâd had time to go over some of the things he said and the fact that his arguments were bullshit,â Phil said.
âLike what?â Asked Noah.
âDan has always thought that he didnât deserve love and that nobody liked him because he was bullied a lot growing up, it was a whole thing. So I told him that he made up this narrative in which I didnât even know what my feelings for him were, or that he manipulated me into having feelings for him through therapy, instead of just thinking that the person that he was attracted to liked him back. And that took him by surprise. He started crying and asked that we speak in a few days and he sounded so broken that I said yes.â
âThis is good, right?â Noah asked, looking into Philâs eyes. âBecause he said he still has feelings for you and you obviously still love him too!â
If looks could kill, Mark would have gone to jail for murdering his boyfriend right then and there. âLove, some things, you donât say out loud.â
Noah winced. âIâm sorry!â he said.
Phil was frozen in shock, blinking repeatedly, unable to breathe. Was it so obvious to Noah? He didnât love Dan, did he? He was just - trying to⌠get over the past.
âPhil?â Noah asked. âIâm so sorry,â he pleaded.
âI -â Phil mumbled.
âBreathe!â Mark said, âand for fuckâs sake, eat your pasta, it must be freezing cold now.â
Phil took a bite of his tepid pasta and chewed, lost in thought. It was good pasta at least. How could it be so obvious to everyone around him? He didnât even know how he felt about Dan, he had simply avoided thinking about it because it was just too painful and⌠âFuck,â he said.
âWhat are you going to do now?â Mark asked.
âIâm going to lose my shit until he calls me back and tells me what he discussed in therapy. Then Iâm going to freak out about whatever he says and if he still wants a second chance with me I am probably going to lose my mind and not know what to say,â Phil said, realising he was blowing on his cold pasta and just taking the bite.
âYou are so dramatic,â said Noah. âJust ask him over and see where it goes.â
Phil shrugged and held his finger up as he swallowed. âI just had to repress my feelings for him for so long that I thought I was over it.â
âSounds like you both wanted to believe that,â Noah pointed out.
âIf he hurts you again Iâm going to break his fucking legs,â Mark said, surprising Phil into a laugh.
âHeâs no longer a scrawny kid,â Phil said, putting his fork down and opening Danâs Facebook profile on his phone and giving it to Mark. âMake sure you donât like any pictures.â
âWho do you take me for? I know how to stalk people quietly,â Mark said.Â
Noah leaned over to look at Danâs pictures as well. âOh my god! Phil⌠I understand you completely. He is gorgeous!â
âDamn,â Mark said, not even arguing with Noah. âHeâs hot now.â
âHe has always been hot,â Phil said in a mix of defensiveness and jealousy. âBut yeah, I noticed too. I have eyes.â
Mark gave him a look. âIs that why you agreed to meet up with him?â
âNo, I noticed after,â Phil said defensively. âWhat do you take me for?â
âA horny fuck, especially when it comes to him,â Mark replied.
âI-â Phil sputtered. âHey!â
âI thought that some things you shouldnât say out loud,â said Noah, giggling.
âDepends,â said Mark. âPhil doesnât mind being called a slut, but never accuse him of having feelings.â
Phil nodded with a satisfied smile.
â...Even if he does,â Mark added.
Noah snickered and Phil hit Mark with a cushion.Â
After having debated things with his friends, Phil felt a lot better, like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. That was probably also related to the emotional release that crying brought him. When Dan left him, Phil had cried himself silly, but after a while, he became numb to the topic. Heâd avoided thinking of Dan like the plague and just tried to carry on. Their chance encounter broke those walls down and everything was crumbling around him once again.
To end the night on a higher note, Mark made some drinks and put on some Buffy episodes which they all watched while cuddling on the sofa until they fell asleep.
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 8: Donât Let The Sun Go Down On Me
April 2017
Phil rushed through the streets of London, briefly considering if another âWhy is Phil running?â situation was worth making it on time, or if he should just slow down and put up with the fucking drizzle. He cursed the weather and his fucking anxiety over being late to places and tried to block any negative anticipation, things that hadnât happened yet - he was only wet. His therapist always tried to keep him rooted in the present, even if occasionally planning was required for his career, she wanted Phil to stop predicting the future in catastrophic ways and he felt like he was almost getting the hang of it, almost.
He was just five minutes away from his destination when he heard a voice that sounded too familiar.
âPhil!â
He froze on the spot, feeling like his heart was going to explode out of his chest and gave Dan a wide eyed look. He had only noticed a very tall figure totally obscured from view by their oversized coat and hood standing outside a bakery.
âHavenât heard from you in a whileâŚâ Dan said pensively, âHow are you?â
Phil resisted the urge to turn around right then and there. âHavenât heard from you,â Really? Was he serious? He almost said something, but he didn't want to appear so affected. So he answered as casually as he could. âFine.â He paused, trying to come up with another word, but not knowing what else his life was about. Honestly, it was just work. Barely anything else, just work. âFilming, hosting⌠you know how it is.â
Dan nodded. âYeah.â
âSo, how are you? What are you up to?â Phil tried.
âI'm actually working in theatre, doing some plays. I graduated from uni and I have patients, so thatâs cool as well. And Iâm thinking of self-publishing a mental health book at some point, like a guide to keep people afloat. A small project, of course.â
Phil smiled proudly, despite everything. Then, he noticed the blonde guy standing close to Dan, very clearly shooting daggers at both of them but particularly Phil. âSounds great,â Phil said. âHi,â he addressed the man.
Dan blinked, as if he had forgotten that he was with someone already. âOh, this is Sebastian. Sebastian, this is Phil, my friend.â
Both Phil and Sebastian raised an eyebrow at him and Dan was trying very hard not to blush but failing miserably. With the way Sebastian was looking at Phil, he could only guess that they were involved, potentially partners, and that Sebastian knew exactly who he was and about his past story with Dan. He had an accusatory gaze, a not so subtle âI know you two fucked.â Thatâs right honey, I had him first and thereâs nothing you can do to change it. âNice to meet you, Sebastian,â Phil smiled, unbothered.
âLikewise,â said Sebastian tightly. His voice sounded as stupid and annoying as Phil had imagined, this only made his smile bigger.
âOh, give me your phone, Iâll put in my new number,â Dan said after a pregnant pause.
Phil grabbed his phone from his pocket but it was at 0% and had shut down at some point.
Dan bit his lip but got a pen from his backpack and started to write the numbers down on the palm of Philâs hand, the contact sending shivers up his entire arm. Phil wondered why Dan didnât just ask him for his number and put it in his own phone, but the entire situation was so uncomfortable and weird with Dan being the only one pretending that it wasnât, that Phil didnât want to point out the obvious or seem eager to get back in touch with him. He did have some decency and self-respect still, so as soon as Dan was done with his little note, he pulled his hand away. âWell, this was nice, but Mark is waiting for me at the cinema and the movie is about to start.â
Danâs smile finally fell and Phil took it as a small victory. âWhat are you guys going to watch?â
âDeadpool,â Phil said, now annoyed that Dan was still talking.Â
âWe should go to that one,â Dan said to Sebastian.
âNot today,â Sebastian snapped.
Dan opened his mouth but before he could say anything, Phil started walking away. âBye!â
âTell Mark I said Hi!â Dan yelled after him.
âI wonât, he doesnât like you,â Phil said, only at half the required volume for Dan to hear. He left that one to chance.
As soon as Mark saw him, he knew that something had happened and pestered Phil until he confessed and showed him the note on his hand: Danâs phone number with the words âcall me pleaseâ under it.Â
Mark was quiet during the entire retelling of the story and Phil was about to have a mental breakdown right in the line for the kiosk, but before he could question Mark, it was their turn. They bought 2 cokes and a huge bucket of salty popcorn to share and went up to the queue for their screen. Just as he shuffled everything around and handed Mark some things, Phil realised the moisture of the cup had smudged the ink on his hand away. He stood there in shock, not knowing how to feel about it.Â
âFuck,â said Mark when he saw why Phil was delaying the queue.
Phil looked into his eyes, his mouth agape.
âYou were really going to call him, weren't you?â
âI - I donât know,â Phil admitted, and for a moment, he felt his anxiety trying to rise and consume him but he rationalised things instead. He took a deep breath and stood off to the side with Mark trailing along. He shut his eyes and breathed deeply until he was able to force his body to relax. He looked into Markâs worried eyes and smiled faintly. âI guess the choice has been taken off my hands. If it hadnât been, I would have fretted over it for who knows how long. This was probably for the best.â
âYou could still try to find him on social media if you really wanted to. Do you still have him on Facebook?â
âNo, one of the last things I did on Facebook was unfriend him and that was years ago.â Not wanting to continue pondering about it, Phil just walked down the hallway to get his ticket checked. They entered the theatre and looked for their assigned seats, awkwardly sidestepping down their row since the lights had already been lowered for the ads to begin.
Once they were seated, Phil could feel Markâs eyes boring holes into his face.Â
Mark leaned closer and whispered: âItâs still an option to consider if you want closure.â
âThe universe did me a favour; this is a sign to drop it and never think of Dan again,â Phil said, sounding confident despite the uneasiness brewing in the pit of his stomach.
âDonât tell me that you havenât thought about him all this time, I know for a fact that you have. Ignoring this will not make that go away.â
âDrop it,â Phil snapped, hearing people shush him. He lowered his voice again. âYouâve hated him for a while anyway, why do you care?â
âI donât,â Mark shrugged. âI care about you and I donât think you have moved on.â
âIâve dated, Mark. What more do you want? He has a partner too, I told you. He was there with him.â
âOh,â Mark said. âWell, give it a thought.â
âThe movie is starting. Pass the popcorn.â
---
Phil spent the next few weeks trying his best to forget about the whole thing, but it popped up in his mind in the most inconvenient moments, like during his radio show or when he tried to film a new video. He couldnât help but try to picture how his life would be now if Dan hadnât given up on their friendship. Would they still be hosting together? Filming together? Sharing their London flat?
He briefly considered telling his therapist but he wasnât ready to hear what she had to say about it. Instead, he remembered what Mark said and logged into Facebook after a million years of absence. He searched for Danâs profile and gasped at how good he looked in his profile picture with his hobbit hair. He heard their voices in his mind: âWould you keep your hobbit hair for more than a day? Never!â Nature was wise, Dan looked better than ever with his curls.
Phil looked at his previous profile pictures and there were none with Sebastian. He was listed as Danâs boyfriend though. It caught Phil by surprise, even after seeing them together in the streets of London, Phil didnât think he would see the day Dan dated a man publicly. Then he noticed something: Dan had sent him a friend request.
He hesitated briefly but if he thought too much about it he was going to faint, so he did what he had become accustomed to do when in doubt: he accepted the request. Then he felt frozen in time not knowing what else to do. Should he be the one to reach out first? Well, technically, Dan had taken the first step with the friend request so maybe it was his turn.
He opened their conversation and his fingers hovered over the keyboard as he stared at the last pathetic attempt Phil made to reach out in 2012 which still had the read receipt. He was about to back out of the screen when Dan messaged him.Â
âCan we talk?â
Phil started typing a no but deleted it. He paused for a moment. He started again but this time he pointed out the last message above that had been unanswered for years. He deleted it again.
âPhil, please.â
Phil heard the words just as if Dan was begging right in front of him and hated himself as he typed an âok.â
âI donât want things to get messy over text. We should meet at a park or a coffee shop and discuss it in person.â
âYouâre pushing your luck.â
âI know I fucked up really badly. Please give me a chance to apologise properly and to explain.â
âIâve moved on without any explanations. Why would I want them now?â That was a lie. Not only had he not moved on, but he still wondered what the fuck happened exactly. Many times heâd wished he could live inside Danâs brain to better understand.
âI donât remember you being so snappy when you were unbothered by something.â
Phil looked at the screen blankly. He had him there. Dan knew him too well, but he wasnât about to admit that. âPeople change. I never thought you would do what you did but here we are.â
âIf you donât want to meet up I could call you right now.â
Phil panicked. Fucking Dan, he knew that Phil hated calls. Meeting up was less scary, especially if he had time to plan his replies. Not that anything ever went according to plan with Dan. âFine. Piccadilly Circus at 5 this Thursday.â It was Tuesday so that gave him two days to prepare.
âI have a show at 7. Tomorrow at 5?â
âAlright.â It was not alright, that only gave him⌠he looked at the time, about twenty hours to prepare. Dan was not giving him a chance to back out, which was likely to happen if they planned for a later date. He took a deep breath. It would probably be better to rip the plaster off and move on.
âText me when you get there, Iâll be in the area.â
Phil pursed his lips. âI donât have your number, I had an accident with a soda at the cinema.â
âAn accident with a soda?â
âMy hands got wet, ok?â
âOh, right. +44 20 7734 3124.â
âRight, see you tomorrow.â
âThank you for doing this.âÂ
Phil was about to reply, but this time, he smiled and closed the conversation. This time he was the one leaving Dan on read.
---
The following day had Phil overthinking his outfit and wishing he could just ask his followers for advice but he knew that Dan would see the tweet, so he thought back to the poll heâd posted a few months ago and went with the top rated shirt.
He opened his laptop and the first thing he saw was Danâs profile before Safari crashed and he had to open it again. Once again, he saw Danâs profile and almost clicked away when something caught his eye. Danâs relationship status was now âitâs complicatedâ and Sebastian was no longer tagged.
He smiled and grabbed his keys on the way out, his laptop left abandoned on the sofa.
---
Phil hated himself the moment he laid eyes on Dan. God, how did Dan look even better in person than in his pictures? His hair was perfectly curled at the top and seamlessly faded on the sides. He wore a grey flowery shirt over a pink T-shirt which made evident how much bigger his back was and his jeans were tight enough to display his thick thighs. Phil had to stop that line of thought immediately before it crossed the PG boundaries. Dan smelled so good too, not that Phil was smelling him, that would be creepy and stupid.
âHey,â Dan smiled confidently.Â
That was another thing, Dan was so fucking confident. Unlike in 2012, it was coming from him in waves. He looked like someone who was very sure of who he was. It made Phil feel inadequate and like he hadnât made that kind of progress all the time theyâd been apart. âHey,â he said, sounding as lame as he felt.
âSo, do you want to go somewhere?â
âHard Rock?â Phil asked, trying to remember any good places around. It was too hot and he wasnât in the mood for sweating in front of Dan so aircon was a must.
âSure,â Dan smiled and pressed his hand to Philâs back gently, guiding him there.
That hand was burning Phil through his shirt like hot iron, but he tried to seem unbothered.Â
âSo, how have you been?â Dan asked as they walked.
âUh, just - taking a few days off at the moment. Mostly scripting new videos and relaxing,â Phil said. Heâd thought heâd have the walk to compose himself but Dan clearly wanted to break the ice immediately.
âRelaxing is good.â
Fuck, it was his time to ask something. âErr, so you are still acting?â
âYes, just small roles here and there but I got a bigger one in an indie production starting in September. Nothing too fancy, just ten shows.â
âTen?â Phil asked, that actually sounded like a lot for an indie production.Â
Dan waved him off. âItâs just a hobby. My main focus now is mental health advocacy. Iâm working with Young Minds, the charity.â
âOh, wow.â
âI want to help young people who donât have access to resources. I think itâs very rewarding.â
âI bet it is,â Phil said, impressed. He knew that Dan was not trying to brag, but was perhaps seeking Philâs approval. Some things never changed.
âI havenât gotten to anything important like that,â Phil said,
âYou hosted the fucking Brits!â Dan said, not letting him be humble. âI watched it, you were hilarious.â
Phil finally smiled at that. âThank you,â he said, before he realised that he was being too nice and cleared his throat. They were finally at the door and before Phil could pull it open, Dan pushed it open for him, keeping him from making a fool of himself.
They got a booth by the windows and ordered.Â
âWhy did you message me?â Phil asked, cutting the pleasantries.
Dan looked a little taken aback but didn't hesitate. âI wanted to catch up and also give you an explanation of why I acted how I acted back then.â
âI donât know if I want to know. What would it change?â
âEverything⌠I hope that it changes everything,â Dan said. âFirst of all, I should apologise for leaving you in the dark like that and for being so chaotic and irresponsible with our work and with us. I promise that it was not intentional, I just didnât have the proper tools to process everything that was happening in my life and I had to take a step back.â He rushed to say, as if he was almost afraid that Phil would interrupt him or just up and leave. âI know you must have questions too.â
âI guess,â Phil admitted. âBut I donât know where to start.â
âLetâs start with the easiest and go from there. I stopped doing YouTube and collabing with you and dropped out of everything because it got too overwhelming. I didnât start making videos with the intention of being famous, and having so many eyes on me and commenting on everything I did got to be too much for me. I could have handled it better if literally every other aspect of my life wasnât falling apart at the same time.â
Phil nodded. âI did notice you getting overwhelmed but when were we not overwhelmed?â
âI know. But that was honestly the least of my issues. I would say the main one, if you want to jump to that, was my sexuality crisis. You know my previous history in that aspect,â Dan said, pausing to take a deep breath, âand it took me a lot of work in therapy to come to terms with the fact that Iâm actually gay. Or, well, queer, but men are what Iâm mostly interested in. I donât know about anything else. You know I had a girlfriend and I was attracted to Sam who was afab but non-binary. I think the androgyny helped me in a weird way because they looked like what I liked but if someone questioned me, that was a person with a vagina and older people wouldnât really think much of it. And yes, I know itâs a fucked up way to see it. It was unfair to think that way about Sam.â
âDid you guys end up together?â Phil asked, not knowing if he wanted to know or not. Phil had become so obviously jealous back then that Dan had stopped mentioning Sam at all.
Dan snickered. âYou had your special vendetta with Sam. No, youâll be happy to know that I realised that they were probably looking for attention or an ego boost, maybe even subconsciously. I donât think they were interested in me, not really. I also realised that thinking of them as just someone safe to date to explore my sexuality wasnât fair, so everything worked out in the end.â
âRight. I didnât like them anyway, so Iâm glad.â
âI know,â Dan said and his brow burrowed into a frown. âThatâs what really pushed me to leave everything behind.â
âWhat?â
âNot Sam, but the fact that I felt like our friendship had crossed so many boundaries that neither of us knew where we stood at any given moment and it was too confusing. We were too jealous of everyone but we werenât dating, and at times it seemed like you wanted to sleep around, and other times you wanted to be my boyfriend and I - I was the same. To be perfectly honest,â Dan said, pausing as if he wasnât sure if he wanted to say something, but he shook his head and continued. âI wanted to be your boyfriend but I wasnât out of the closet. I am not out of the closet in half of the aspects of my life today, and - and I thought that with me providing therapy at times, it was so wrong,â he let out a humourless snort. âIt is a huge no-no to date your patients and even though I wasnât officially your therapist or had graduated, we had the rapport necessary for that. I felt that I was in part responsible for your feelings for me. When everything around you is so unstable, itâs easy to cling to someone you see as a safe space and project your feelings into something that itâs probably not real.â
Philâs mouth was agape. âThatâs -â he let out a puff of air and gestured vaguely.
âI know, Itâs a lot,â Dan conceded. âIt was too much for me.â
âYou didnât give me a choice to tell you if my feelings were real or not,â Phil said, feeling offended at the implication.
âYou wouldnât have known. If you ask someone if their feelings are true and they will say yes 100% of the time, even if they are projecting,â Dan explained. âI felt guilty for potentially causing the confusion and also for not taking things anywhere either. I know that from your end it must have felt like I led you on and bailed but I was just as confused as I thought you were, so that was no good.â
âAnd now?â Phil frowned. âDo you still think I was projecting?â
Dan let out a deep sigh. âI donât know, but I wish I would have stayed and tried to work it out - with you. We always worked things out together.â
Phil was about to interject when Dan continued.
âOn the other hand, I donât think I would be who I am today if I hadnât left the safety blanket that was our friendship. You kept saving me every single time and I needed to learn to save myself, to be my own person, not just Dan from Dan and Phil. And I think that you grew into such a beautiful person and into your brand. I feel like being Dan and Phil on camera and in life was stunting our growth. So while I wish I would have stayed and I apologise for the way I handled things, if I had to go back I think I would still leave. For a while at least. I didnât think it would take me this long to figure it out.â
There was a pregnant pause. Dan kept looking into Philâs eyes, as if searching for something, but Phil was in a turmoil so big that he could barely form a semi-coherent thought. âI donât know what to say,â Phil admitted, feeling like his head was about to explode. None of the things heâd planned to say applied to the conversation anymore.
Dan inclined his head in understanding and continued. âI also needed to stay away from the public eye to resolve my identity crisis,â he said. âI am getting tired of having to come out in my day to day life though, so Iâve been writing a YouTube video, a massive one, explaining everything. I think that people deserv- well, no, they donât deserve it, I know I donât owe them an explanation - but I would like to let them know why I was so rude at times. Speaking of rude: Do you still speak to Charlie?â
Phil frowned, thinking for a moment. âSkies?â
âYeah,â Dan confirmed in a sour tone.
âEw, no. Of course not,â Phil said, taken aback. He hadnât even thought about Charlie in years. âOuting people is not cool.â
âGood. I donât like that guy,â Dan admitted.Â
âI know.â
Dan leaned forward just a tiny bit, his voice low and almost secretive. âWould you please read the script and watch the video before it comes out? It will be very honest so you will be mentioned.â
âOh, boy.â Philâs eyes widened. âWhat do you plan to say? You havenât posted in years.â
âMaybe Iâve finally lost it,â Dan laughed. âFor now it says something around the lines of that we were friends and more than friends but when it comes to our current relationship we are both very private people so we wonât comment on it.â
Phil downed his already cold coffee but remained silent until he really processed what Dan was trying to say. âSo it is a coming out video of sorts.â He said, trying to predict peopleâs reaction to that.Â
Dan nodded. âIs there something I shouldnât say? My thought process was that we never said it outright but people know we had sex. We constantly posted about it on Twitter and everywhere and you have hickeys in some videos. They were not stupid, theyâve always known.â
âExcept for the ones that wanted us to be straight because they want to fuck us,â Phil reminded him.
Dan huffed. âI hope those ones cry.â
âThatâs mean,â Phil said but smiled.
âBeing homophobic is meaner.â
âTrue,â Phil said but he reminded himself that he had always tended to do this, just what he was doing now. He was putting Dan first, already helping him with a new project, bouncing a concept and hearing him out just like Dan wanted. It was time to put himself first, and that was something Phil did manage to make progress on over the last few years. âAlright do that,â he mumbled and tried to stir the conversation back to their past issues. âThere are a few things I want to know for my peace of mind.â
âAsk away,â Dan said, sitting up.
âWhy didnât you text me? Itâs been five years. It just doesnât make sense with what youâre saying.â
Dan paused, considering it for a moment. âI didnât understand myself and didnât want to drag you or our friendship down but I did hope youâd text. Every birthday, and every holiday, I waited, but you never texted. It wasnât a clean cut that I wanted either, but you stopped reaching out, so it happened naturally.â
Philâs face morphed into one of pure rage, he knew this because Dan leaned back, almost bracing himself for impact. âI stopped reaching out? When I texted you, you seemed fucking bored and annoyed with me, so I figured you would text me if you really wanted to stay friends,â he hissed. âYou know, thatâs fucking rich coming from you. You gave me so many mixed signals and only reached out when you needed a shoulder to cry on, or someone to solve your problems, and then just hoped that I would never take the hint that you wanted me fucking gone. How was any of it my fault?â
âI donât think it was your fault,â Dan said, defensively, âbut I think that you sent some mixed signals as well which didnât help at all.â
âI wasnât confused. I cried myself to sleep so many times because you acted like you wanted to be my boyfriend and then decided to pretend that it never happened and just asked me how to get into someone elseâs pants. What the fuck was that about?â Phil snapped, trying to keep his voice down.
Dan winced. âWell - you were my only friend. Iâm not defending my actions, Iâm just explaining what my thought process was. And you were experienced with just sleeping with your friends.â
Phil narrowed his eyes at Dan. âAre you slut shaming me?â he said but continued without waiting for a reply. âI told you for years and years that all I wanted was a relationship, someone who treated me well, that didnât cheat on me and that loved me. How did you take it as me not wanting to be with you? I was just doing what people offered, which was casual sex.â
âAnd there was Mark. He was not casual,â Dan snapped, raising one eyebrow at him, his eyes full of barely restrained rage.
âI told you a million times that Mark and I were not dating. It was not like that between us. We just had sex because we werenât dating anyone else.â
Dan exhaled through his nose in disdain. âWhat about all the times Mark made it clear that I was not welcome in the flat? He was jealous.â
Phil scoffed. âHe wasnât jealous, he just started to hate you because he thought that you were playing games with me and sometimes he did things to test his theory, like kiss me in front of you or be hostile. You failed miserably every time by the way.â
âThat drove me insane. I was so jealous of him being able to touch you like that whenever he wanted,â Danâs face fell, now looking more sad than angry, his voice going lower. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. âIâm sorry that I messed up so badly, I really am. Now that I know myself better, I know that - I never got over you, Phil. I still feel exactly the same.â He reached to rest his hand on Philâs. âIf you still-â
Phil pulled his hands away. He felt a cold sensation running down his body and stood suddenly. âNo,â he said and rushed out the door, hailing a taxi and going home.
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 7: Somebody I used to know
2013 was like a fresh start for Phil, not that he had ever wanted one. Returning to his packed-up Manchester flat after spending New Year with his parents was nothing short of devastating. He looked around the sea of boxes and the happy memories and let out a choked sob, starting to hyperventilate as he thought about Dan. He was supposed to be there to help him, bring his things so they could move to London - together.
He walked around the flat and cried until his stomach hurt. He could see Dan everywhere. The sleepovers, the nights cooking together, the laundry crises. Finding Danâs Manchester hoodie was the last straw; Philâs world was falling apart around him like a house of cards and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
He heard the keys turning at the door and covered his face with both hands, trying to calm himself down, but he felt faint. He slid to the floor slowly and felt a pair of strong arms wrapping around him.
âWhatâs wrong?â Mark asked.
Phil tried to speak but only managed to sob loudly. At least that meant that he could breathe a bit better.Â
âIs it Dan?â Mark asked and Phil nodded against his chest. âDonât worry, love. Iâm coming with you.â
Phil looked up at him in confusion. âWhat?â he said shakily.Â
âDid you think I would let you go alone when youâre like this?â Mark smiled sadly.
Phil shook his head. âYour job-â
âI quit. I have a few interviews set up already,â Mark said. âYou are more important.â
Pulling Mark into a tight hug, Phil continued to cry. He was fucking pathetic but at least he had good friends. âT-thank you.â
âItâs ok. Who wants to work retail anyway?â Mark laughed. âThis will push me to find a job in my field.â
Phil smiled through the tears despite everything and looked around the flat again. He had been so immersed in his pain that he hadnât noticed Markâs things packed as well. He couldnât go on like this, he needed help.
---
The train ride to London was quiet, too quiet, but he knew that Mark understood, and apparently kept himself busy texting someone all the while. Even as they walked into their London flat, Phil just stood by the door and thought of what to say, but he had nothing at all. Mark pressed a kiss to his forehead and went exploring.
He stood there for a moment, not knowing what to do before going after Mark. âWhich bedroom do you like?â Phil asked in a monotone voice and Mark gave him a sad look.
âI donât know, which one do you want?â Mark tried.
Phil shrugged.
âMaybe the bigger one would be good for filming,â Mark said, trying to get a single emotion out of Phil.
That was true, but if he was honest with himself, he had pictured Dan filming in that bedroom. âI want the small one, it has better lighting,â he lied.
Mark smiled at him and rubbed Philâs arm gently. âDeal,â he said. âCome on, Iâll make you a coffee before the movers get here.â
âWe donât have the kettle here yet.âÂ
âI brought it just for you, what do you take me for?â Mark said.
That finally stole a smile from Phil.Â
He sat on the grey sofa that came with the flat and felt himself sink into it. It was almost too soft, but it would have to do. Mark joined him a little while later, or so Phil thought, but the worried look he gave him let him know that maybe it had been longer.
âIâm going to need you to keep living,â Mark said, handing him a cup of coffee.
âI am,â said Phil flatly.Â
âYouâre not,â Mark countered. âWeâre going to order pizza, youâre going to eat at least half and then get a shower.â
Phil frowned. âDo I stink that badly?â
âNo, of course not. You know I would tell you,â Mark snorted. âBut it will help you to⌠I donât know, get into your routine again and itâs self-care.â
âHmm,â Phil said. âI was thinking of finding a therapist.â He paused and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. âI think I need help.â
âAdmitting it is the first step. Iâm glad that you decided to get help.â Mark took a sip from his mug and winced. âToo hot. What made you finally think of therapy? You have been very resistant.â
Phil considered telling Mark what he had been thinking about recently but pursed his lips.
âI can tell that youâre keeping something from me.â
âI donât think we should have sex anymore,â he mumbled.
âWe havenât done it in ages, love. I assumed as much, but I understand the need to set a boundary. And donât think that Iâm buying that, thatâs not whatâs bothering you. Please, justâŚâ He trailed off.
âIâm exhausted,â Phil finally said, nursing his drink.Â
âGo on.â
Phil pulled on a loose thread sticking out of his T-shirt. âAnd⌠sometimes I just want to sleep.â
âIâm going to need you to finish that thought.â
âI want to just sleep and not wake up⌠sometimes,â he shut his eyes, not wanting to see Markâs face when he said it. âJust sleep forever. Rest. I want to rest.â He dared look up into Markâs eyes.
âPhil!â Mark said, his eyes filling with tears. He took their mugs and set them on the coffee table before pulling him into a tight hug. âPhil, shhhhhhh. Donât say that!â
âIâm sorry,â Phil said, the only emotion coming to the surface being shame for making Mark cry. Mark never cried. âIâll get help.â
âIâm here,â he said shakily, rubbing Philâs back.
Phil remembered to hug Mark back. âIâll eat. ¨Promiseâ
âGood,â Mark whispered.
That night, Phil did eat and shower and lay awake all night thinking. It was completely stupid but he still hoped that Dan would reach out, notice that Phil had stopped trying to communicate and suddenly remember that heâd had a friend, but that didnât happen.Â
Slowly, life got busy again. Mark took care of him for the entire first month of their London adventure, but as he started a trial period as an accountant at a Tesco, Phil had to get his shit together. Life was going to continue with or without him and it was time that he actually did something for himself. It took him two tries to find a therapist that he liked and that he felt comfortable enough to discuss Dan with.
She agreed that his diagnosis was anxiety, not depression, but the frown on her face when he mentioned the natural sedatives let him know that she didnât approve of Danâs suggestion. Each session left him depleted, causing him to take a taxi home and get into bed immediately. Still, Mark had no mercy for him and woke him up to eat dinner every single time. It took a few months to give her a full rundown of his life and what he was going through at the moment but she seemed optimistic about his future. Wednesdays soon became the days he looked forward to, and sometimes, it even seemed too long between sessions but he held on to his sanity as hard as he could and didnât ask to go twice a week.
Coincidentally, as his mental health improved, so did his career. AmazingPhil hit 1 Million subscribers, and his monthly radio show got quite popular and usually went smoothly, except for the time he switched the show off the air and nearly got himself fired. Heâd been charming enough that the producers decided to have a sit down with him and explain what every button did 20 times instead of giving him the boot. He was on the cover of many teen magazines, had to do photoshoots here and there, both of which he hated, and started to be able to actually save money. Well, eventually; at first he didnât even have the money to get a haircut so his mane looked ridiculous and he ate ramen for quite a while, but then things got somewhere.Â
Still, Danâs absence was like a shadow cast over his life. Not a day went by when Phil didnât wonder what he was up to, or where he was. It was inevitable since it was still affecting his life: when Dan had pulled from every project he hadnât signed by December of the previous year, Phil had had to let go of some things that just didnât make sense without him. They had book deals lined up among other things that he didnât feel confident enough to do on his own. The idea of the book was a tribute to their joint content, their friendship and their fans. Project X, the gaming channel, was also dropped. Phil couldnât even imagine playing MarioKart, Halo, or any of the other games theyâd played together.Â
By the end of the year, Mark had met Noah, his boyfriend and moved in with him. It had been a welcome change for both of them. Mark deserved to be happy and not be Philâs carer and Phil needed to be an adult and take care of himself. It was ok, he felt ready to do it and he knew Mark would have never left if Phil wasnât actually doing better. Heâd even started to feel that he didnât even need weekly therapy appointments anymore.
That is, until Christmas. Phil had gotten it into his head that he would be ok with spending Christmas home alone instead of going up North. Family gatherings had not been great on his anxiety, especially the previous holiday season with all the questions about Dan and what he would do now that he didnât have a collab partner, but it turned out that being alone with no plans was also not good for his mental health either.
He had held off putting the tree up until the 24th because it reminded him of the time he and Dan had decorated his parentsâ house for Christmas that week in December. At first, putting on music and singing along was keeping his mind on the right track, but when he got to the ornaments, he found a small brown bear with a red ribbon around its tiny neck. He could hear the memory of the first time heâd seen it even to this day.
âDo you like it?â Dan said.
âAw, itâs so cute!â
âItâs for you. My family used to call me Bear when I was little so I wanted to give you something to remember me by when weâre not together.â
âI wish you could stay,â Phil regretted.
âMe too!â Dan said. âI better give you your New Yearâs kiss now, since I wonât be hereâŚâ
Phil smiled widely, his stomach full of butterflies as Dan pressed their lips together for a sweet kiss.
He blinked, his mind returning to the present. He looked down at the tiny bear and saw a tear fall on its head. Pausing, he considered putting the ornament in the trash, but he didnât have the heart to do it. He couldnât display it either.Â
He cleared his throat, reached for the star, put it at the top of the tree and closed the box. The tree looked a bit silly with lights and only the star but there was no one around to pester him about it. He put the box away and made himself a drink or five before going out to a club to find someone new to have sex with.
---
2014 and 2015 only brought Phil more success, more subscribers and more work. He got his own request show on Radio 1 and even hosted the Brit Awards. He was so proud of himself and the fact that he always managed to convince extremely famous people to play his silly games, wear masks and answer his random questions. Phil found that he had a talent to come up with things on the spot so he was never caught with his pants down, so to speak. His pants were often down though, but for very different reasons. He might not have been the hottest guy around but he was confident enough that he could pull nearly any guy he wanted and so he treated himself quite often, allowing himself to feed his ego in what he knew was the wrong way, but it kept him afloat.
Feeling better about himself, Phil finally decided to give mixed therapy a go to finish resolving what he had been carrying with him for so long and the new day to day things that added to his anxiety and random bouts of insomnia. At least, heâd capitalised on that with the Sleepless Night With Phil videos. His new therapist wasnât amused by that.
It took him nearly a full year to feel like he was getting anywhere near to being stable but it was worth it. In 2016 he also continued experimenting with meditation after remembering how it had helped in the past, and found a method that suited him better than just clearing his mind. His mind was never empty, on the contrary, it was always chaotic and colourful, so he used that in his favour.Â
He had officially dated 3 guys, all of them good people, but he didnât feel for them like he had for Dan; they werenât nearly as funny, or as compatible with him. He couldnât help but compare them to Dan and, honestly, being closeted to his fans didnât help matters either. Whatever relationship he wanted to embark on, it was doomed to fail because he didnât want it out in the magazines and as a public person, he had nearly no privacy at all.
A curious yet helpful side effect of his lack of private life was that Phil got to address his hypersexuality in therapy because if he continued to hook up with random strangers, it was bound to come out and he didnât feel like it was worth it. He did a complete 180 and decided that he didnât want to do relationships or situationships anymore. Granted, his newfound lack of a sex life worried his therapist a bit, but she was supportive of him no longer channelling any failure or aspect in his life that he found lacking through sleeping around with anyone who caught his eye. It was partly due to her pointing out that Phil was using hypersexuality as a way of self-harm and as a way to boost his own self-esteem when he felt low. The first part was shocking, the other one not so much. It was hard to feel low when he felt wanted. She did call Phil out for his reticence to commit in relationships but he pretended that he didnât hear her. That was a problem for future Phil.
At last, Phil found his self-worth within himself, his good heart and how he carried himself in his life, professionally and in his interpersonal relations. He prided himself in being a good son, brother, and friend. He made those special relationships a priority in his life and took great care of them, reaching out, having honest conversations and just saying I love you. In time, heâd realised that no matter how much you loved someone, sometimes it was necessary to say it out loud instead of letting people make an assumption.
What solidified the change had started to make on his own was his grandmotherâs death. Phil wished heâd had the chance to say goodbye to her in person, that he had taken a trip up North, but she was gone in a blink. Instead, he tried to find comfort in the conversations theyâd had in the last few months.
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 6: The Winner Takes It All
2012
They didnât speak or text until mid-January, when Dan just showed up at Philâs flat one day, dark circles so deep that reminded him of Jack Skellington. He looked sick.Â
Phil stood there in silence, not knowing what to do until Dan pulled him into a hug and started crying.
âWhatâs wrong?â he asked, wrapping his arms around Dan.
âEverything,â Dan muttered, his voice cracking. âCan I sleep here tonight?â
âUh, sure,â Phil said, feeling weird about it. Both because he didnât know where they stood at the moment and because Dan had never asked that before, heâd always just stayed.
They walked inside and Phil started making tea, not because he wanted one but because he needed to collect himself. âSo⌠whatâs been going on with you?â He asked, his back still turned to Dan.
âI canât do anything right,â Dan said, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. âI canât stick to my schedule, Iâm drowning in the material and I feel like everyone hates me right now.â
Phil let out a little frustrated sigh and turned to look at Dan. âI donât hate you, Dan. I canât speak for everyone, but I donât,â he said. âHave you discussed it with your therapist?â Phil added before Dan could say anything.
âI havenât been in over a month,â Dan said, avoiding his eyes and picking at his jeans. âI havenât left my room either.â
Phil pressed his lips into a line but tried to be as gentle as possible, it was evident that Dan was still trying to calm himself down. âWhy would you do that? Even therapists have therapists, you said it yourself years ago.â
âHe said that Iâm depressed and I donât agree. I think this is just how I am. Iâve always struggled with the simplest of tasks, Iâve always been low. Itâs just who I am.â Dan looked up, his eyes red and swollen; heâd been crying far longer than heâd been at Philâs.
âWhat are the symptoms of depression?â Phil asked, knowing that he couldnât argue on this, he needed to make Dan reach the conclusion on his own.Â
âSadness, hopelessness, anger or frustration, even over small things, loss of interest in normal things like sex or hobbies, insomnia or sleeping too much, lack of energy, loss of appetite, anxiety, brain fog⌠Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures - or self-blame,â he said, his face slowly transforming as he went over the symptoms.Â
Phil hummed. âThat does sound familiar, donât you think?â
âI guessâŚâ Dan admitted.
âSo?â Phil pressed. âWhy donât you go to therapy?â
Dan frowned. âFor the same reason that you havenât gotten help for your anxiety disorder,â he said, a bit too harshly, but continuing in a calmer tone after a deep breath. âI guess Iâm not ready yet.â
âThatâs fair,â Phil said, ignoring the biting comment. âWe need to come up with a plan of action then. I have always managed my anxiety with different methods, you were the one who came up with most of them. Iâm meditating at the moment and itâs helping a bit - with the sleeping issues at least, have you tried it?â
Dan shook his head no. âI donât think I can meditate myself out of depression, to be honest.â
âI know that, donât be silly,â Phil waved him off. âIâm saying that you need a depression plan and that you can meditate when you feel anxious. You said they come together sometimes, right?â
Dan nodded. âYeah, I do have some anxiety but itâs not my main issue.â
âAlright. What is your biggest problem right now?â
âSleeping and getting to class.â
Phil added the tea bags into the mugs and poured the water over them, having the sugar and milk at the ready. He walked over to the coffee table and pulled a small notebook and a pen from the storage space under it. âSo, you need to wake up at 8 to make it in time to Stats, you can study at Starbucks or the library for two hours and go to Personality. If you are too tired then, you can go back and take a nap before Intervention but I think you should drop Cognition and you can try again next semester.â
âBut Iâm doing well at Cognition. Cognitive Neuroscience is the hard one,â Dan said with a small smile, his eyebrows raised.
âOh, right,â Phil said, slapping his forehead. âI always get them mixed.â
Dan raised his eyebrows at Phil but didnât say a word.
âWhat? Whatâs that face?â
âYou remember what classes Iâm taking and when,â Dan said in wonder.
âOf course I do,â Phil scoffed. âI helped you plan your schedule.â
âI donât know, I didnât think youâd remember. Nobody remembers.â
âI remember,â Phil said with a small smile. He gave the notebook to Dan and went to get the mugs before the tea got too strong to drink. He added the sugar and milk, putting them back in their respective places and carried the mugs to the coffee table. âHere,â he said, handing the mug to Dan and sitting at his side.
âThanks,â Dan said and took a sip and set the notebook on the sofa between them. âJust how I like it.â
Phil ignored the comment and grabbed the notebook, starting another page. They needed a more global approach. âSo⌠you have Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays off in the morning. Letâs set some ground rules in general. Weekdays bed before 2am and wake up no later than 10.30. Also, be productive until 5 on weekdays. Anything you didnât do during the week, finish it during the weekend and thatâs when you take a break. You can sleep in until 1 on the weekends at least. What do you think?â
âSounds good. I have a huge pile of laundry though.â
Phil huffed a laugh. âDo laundry here during the weekend and you can finish any homework while the washer runs. But you are doing the laundry, not me. And no mixing colours, Iâm still wearing pink boxers.â
Dan snorted. âOk, Dad.â He looked out the window for a moment and turned back to Phil. âWhat are we doing for your birth?â
âAre you coming?â Phil asked, raising one eyebrow at Dan.
âOf course I am!â Dan said, blushing just a little.
âAlright,â Phil smiled. âSmall party here I guess but I have to go back home to celebrate with my family - and Richard and the others want to hang out the week after that.â
Dan laughed. âWhy is your birthday always a month long affair?âÂ
âBecause my birth is an important date to commemorate. Iâm important.â
âYou are,â said Dan.
The sound of jingling keys at the door announced Mark before his melodic voice came through the hall. âHey, love. I finally found some decent oranges for break- oh. Hi, Dan!â Mark said.Â
Phil rushed to help with the shop, grabbing the bags from Markâs hands and setting them on the kitchen counter.
âItâs so nice to see you again, what brings you over?â Mark asked Dan, casually pressing a quick kiss to Philâs lips and pulling him closer by the hips ever so slightly.
Phil mumbled a hello and gave Mark a wide-eyed look before peering at Dan out of the corner of his eye. He looked upset, perhaps even mad at the display. âSorry,â Phil said, not really knowing why he was apologising or the reason Mark chose that particular moment to kiss him.
Dan shrugged and shook his head, his lips moving as he attempted to form words but no sound came out.
Dan was left speechless for the first time since Phil had met him.
Mark smiled widely, ignoring the othersâ reactions. âAre you staying over for dinner, darling?â he asked Dan.
âUh, sure,â Dan said.
âNo laundry today?â Mark teased.
Phil shot him a look, Mark was going for something here, but he didnât know what exactly or why. Dan had never mentioned doing his laundry at their flat in front of Mark so this made it evident that Phil had relayed this information to him. âNo, we were just catching up. Why? Did you want to help out?â He ended the sentence with a tight smile, trying to silently tell Mark to quit it already.
âA tempting offer, but I think Iâll stick to cooking, you are the laundry specialist after all.â
âOk. You do that, Dan and I will continue our conversation in my bedroom,â Phil said, and guided Dan away from the conflict. Once in his room, he shut the door and let out a deep sigh. âIâm sorry about that.â
âNo, itâs alright. I donât want to intrude,â Dan said without even taking a seat. âIâm so sorry for showing up unannounced. Obviously you want to enjoy your night with your boyfriend - I should go.â
âHeâs not my boyfriend,â Phil rushed to say when Dan took a step towards the door.
âYeah, yeah, I know,â Dan bit back, his voice rising with every word. âHe hasnât been your boyfriend since like 2009, heâs just the person you sleep with, live with, cook with and basically do everything with.â
âItâs not like that,â Phil said defensively, as he started to pace around the room. He felt like heâd been caught cheating even though he didnât even have a boyfriend. He had a fuck buddy and a buddy he wanted to fuck but who didnât reciprocate, none of which wanted to actually date him.
âWhat is it like then?â Dan snapped.
Phil froze and turned on the spot, feeling the fire coming out of his eyes. Dan had some nerve to be upset by a kiss when he hadnât made any attempts to be exclusive with Phil or even to continue with any sort of intimacy, or even their friendship for that matter. He had become a ghost in Philâs life and now he was upset that Phil had a smidge of attention from someone else. âYouâre right, maybe you should leave. Take the plans we wrote down and work on that, and if you need to call someone at 3 am try Sam. See if they care to take your calls.â
Dan took a step back, looking as if heâd been slapped. He wasnât used to Phil saying no to him. Phil was always there for Dan, unlike Dan who liked to come and go out of his life as he pleased. âPhil, Iâm sorry.â
âOk,â Phil said in a robotic tone.
âI donât know what Iâm doing,â Dan admitted.
âNeither do I,â Phil conceded. âJust go, weâll talk soon.â
âI still want to celebrate your birthday - if you still want to,â Dan mumbled. âJust us two.â
Phil resisted the urge to roll his eyes. âText me when youâve calmed down. And stick to the plan. Get your shit together.â
âI will. I promise,â Dan said, rushing out of the room, grabbing the lists theyâd made and his backpack on the way out, barely mumbling a bye to Mark and Phil.
Phil let out a deep sigh and massaged his temples. Life was exhausting. He tried to calm down fully but he was still angry with Mark. He considered just sleeping it off, but the headache wouldnât go away so he marched into the kitchen. âWhy the fuck did you do that?â
âDo what?â Mark asked and Phil resisted the urge to slap him.
âWhat do you think?â Phil snapped back.
Mark shrugged. âYouâve never been upset about me kissing you.â
âI need you to stop pretending that you did that innocently or Iâm going to lose my fucking mind.â
Mark dropped the spatula on the counter and turned around, leaning back against it. âFine. Iâm fucking tired of seeing you upset over Dan. He likes to play games with you. He strings you along and doesnât want to commit to a relationship. Itâs like he wants your attention but also Samâs and when he doesnât need you, he just disappears.â
âHuh, Well -â Phil sputtered. âThatâs none of your business. And heâs not playing games, heâs just confused and depressed.â
âWho isnât? We all have problems. I just wanted to see if he cared or not, and he did, but why? Is he jealous because he has feelings for you or is it some sort of ego boost for him?â
Phil paused for a moment. âHeâs not a bad person, Mark,â he said. âAnd what ego? He barely has any self-esteem. He was bullied his entire childhood and - he had a lot more going on than you know, but Iâm not going to betray his trust to justify him. You just donât know the full story.â
âI donât think heâs a bad person, but heâs neglecting your friendship and ruining any chances of getting with you, if thatâs what he wants.â Mark reached towards Phil, pulling him into a soft hug and setting his chin on Philâs shoulder. âI just donât want to see you hurt.â
âItâs fine. I can handle it myself,â Phil mumbled.
âI know, you are all grown up, but Iâve never seen you so⌠interested in someone.â
Phil silently thanked Mark for not calling it what it was. Phil had never been actually in love with anyone, not really, not until Dan. It was not supposed to be this way; he wasnât supposed to catch feelings for his friend and he was supposed to find someone who valued him and wanted to be his boyfriend. Maybe⌠âDo you think itâs my fault?â
âWhat is?â
âNobody has ever been in love with me. Or even had feelings. Itâs like Iâm unlovable. Iâve been out there for years, Iâve dated so many guys for three months at a time and all of them wouldnât even spit on me if I was on fire.â
Mark snorted. âI would spit on you.â
Phil snorted. âOnly because youâre a kinky bastard.â
âTrue but also because you are my friend,â Mark said. âI love you, even if itâs not the way you need to be loved and Iâll always care about your feelings. Youâve always known where I stood because I like to be upfront and honest which is something Dan is not doing.â
âWell, youâre older than me and very mature and he is four years younger and has a lot to work on.â
âYeah, I forget that sometimes,â Mark admitted. âTell him I apologised for making things awkward when you see him. We can celebrate your birthday when you come home.â
âWere you listening behind the door?â Phil asked, finally looking into Markâs eyes.
âNo, love. You were being loud and the walls are not that thick in this flat.â
---
Things started to pick up after that. Dan surprised him with tickets to a Muse concert and brought him a cake and a bouquet of stuffed piranha plants from the Super Mario games. He also dropped by on the weekends and stuck to the schedule they had thought of.Â
The semester started to look up for him and they continued to post solo videos as well as a few collabs. In a way, filming a âDay In the Lifeâ brought them closer together than they had been in a while. They even had a sleepover the night before, shared breakfast and visited their favourite places, sparking memories of the day they met.
Phil wanted to promote a small play Dan would be doing as he slowly got back into theatre, but Dan was terrified that the crazy fans, who were starting to follow them around and just mysteriously pop into the places they frequented, would ruin everything or cause a scene. Theatre was a hobby for Dan but he took it fairly seriously and he didnât want the other actors to resent him or think that he was making a mockery out of the play.
Even though Dan was not ready to start having regular therapy sessions yet, he still went ever so often when he felt like he needed to make adjustments in his life. It was recommended to him that he keep a journal to put his thoughts into order and also remember anything else he needed to bring up on the next appointment. That just turned into the spark that started a new fire: Danâs newfound love for creative writing resulted in a variety of short stories that Phil was always happy to proofread and support. He was at Danâs side every step of the way, in the same manner that he was always front and centre in the crowd of every play, even when the stories were not so interesting to him, he loved to see Dan thrive.
In June, just as summer was beginning, they went on their first free trip thanks to YouTube. The deal was that they would get a free trip to Jamaica and new digital cameras to take pictures and film vlogs as promotion. It sounded almost too good to be true, but thankfully it was a real contract. The vacation was a blast, they recorded a bunch of content, had every expense covered and hung out with a group of youtubers, most of which thought that they were a couple, but were cool about it.Â
The only downside, if there was even one, was that it was a bit weird to be filmed at all times because everyone was vlogging and Dan and Phil were just a bit more popular than the rest of them so any footage they could sneak into their videos would drive traffic to their channel. The phandom was quite dedicated.
The Phandom. Dan had accidentally named their fandom after saying that their ship - which was apparently a thing already - should be called Phan. Dan was equally excited to be important enough to be shipped with Phil and a bit weirded out about it. Still, he often oscillated between casually encouraging the shipping with jokes and getting weirdly defensive about it, going as far as to tweet someone âFYI I like vagina.â To be fair, that was more in response to the allegations that he was gay. Dan had not figured out his sexuality yet, and sometimes Phil thought he didnât want to anyway, it was easier to ignore it, but when constantly proved for an answer, heâd snapped.
Phil didnât appreciate the speculations either but at least he didnât make a Tumblr sideblog to argue with the fans. Philâs approach to life was to mostly ignore people since giving them attention would only make it worse. People went a little too crazy on the internet and he didnât want any part of it.
By the time September rolled around, things really started to come to a head. Charlie was still being a bitch, basically, constantly rounding other youtubers to bad mouth Dan, to speculate about his sexuality, and ended up threatening Dan. Unhappy about the lack of attention Dan was giving him, Charlie dropped the covert accusations and resorted to outright calling Dan out for being gay.
It broke Philâs heart to read Danâs replies, so he texted him to ask how he wanted Phil to reply as well, but Dan asked him to be quiet. Instead, Dan tweeted that he was honestly scared of Charlie's behaviour, hinting at him being potentially mentally unstable, making his claims about Danâs sexuality unreliable while trying to appear calm and collected himself, but Phil knew better; this was Danâs worst nightmare. There was not a chance that Dan was unbothered about the speculations.
After that, Dan continued to post videos regularly, go to uni and do the occasional play, but at any given chance, he would put physical and emotional distance between he and Phil. They still collabed semi frequently but even when filming Pinof 4, it was very evident that Dan didnât want to even sit close to him. Overall it went well, or as good as they could have expected and the fans liked it, but they could tell that something was a bit off. When Phil saw all the edits, he briefly regretted leaving him calling Dan special in the video, but Dan said it was fine.
To tackle his love/hate relationship with the Phandom, Dan posted his âFandomsâ video in October, making light of the situation, spinning it as a relatable story yet still including a soft call out, almost like a beg for a semblance of respect for his humanity beyond being an entertainer, but it didnât work. Phil could see how everything was weighing down on Dan but Dan said he was fine and tried to push through. It was not every day that you could be paid to film videos in your room, get free stuff and get a following.
Not everything was bad though, being a youtuber came with real opportunities. In fact, they were hired by the BBC to film a Christmas Special, which went amazing and opened the door to negotiate for a spot on Radio 1 the following year. Dan had seemed excited to join him, even though the offer had been extended only to Phil initially, but Phil had made it clear that they were a package deal and that was the parameter set for future negotiations.
The thing is⌠Dan had been pushing himself for quite a while. Everything he did had become a chore, something that he no longer wanted to do, he didnât want any of it, not even uni, or thatâs what he told Phil. One day, just like Dan had come into his life and offered his friendship, he took it all away.Â
He moved out of his dorm, no longer reached out to Phil or barely answered when Phil initiated, stopped posting YouTube videos without a warning, and above all, he abandoned Phil in every way possible.Â
Phil understood, or he tried to understand, but he was heartbroken - and the public fallout was evident. People were constantly asking where Dan was and what had happened between them, if they had broken up (those were the phan truthers), but Phil was not going to let that stop him. With Mark supporting him every step of the way, Phil went to his first Vidcon, started doing liveshows and prepared to move to London, putting every cent that he had saved to pay rent upfront, because, obviously, being a youtuber was not great on paper to rent a fucking flat in London. Fuck, sometimes he hated Dan, but more than anything, he hated himself. He had given Dan every opportunity even though Mark had warned him about it, but heâd wanted to believe that Dan would never hurt him like that.
The truth was that Dan didnât love him back, didnât want to be his friend - apparently (Phil could only guess since Dan never gave him an explanation) - and didnât want to be associated with him privately or publicly. It was as if their friendship and everything theyâd built together meant nothing at all. The Sam situation and the messiness had been only the start of the rift between them and by the end of it, it was the least of their problems.
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Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 5: La Vie en Rose
The next few months were a haze. Their channels started to grow by the thousands and they had become YouTube partners, meaning that they could actually make money from doing videos! On the other hand, Philâs family was supportive of his creativity but not of his lack of a stable income. He was desperate to make his YouTube career work, he knew that he could do it, that they could do it, but he needed a little help.
After much whining and begging their parents for support, both Dan and Phil decided to give YouTube a shot and actually make it a priority in their lives by having filming schedules, collaborating with other youtubers on the regular and going to conventions. Things were getting pretty wild.
Phil suggested that they move in together to have a better filming space but Dan was hesitant to move away from campus. It hurt Philâs feelings a bit, especially when he could feel Dan pulling away from him at times, but on the other hand, he understood. Dan was very set in becoming a therapist and helping kids just like him, giving them a safe space to talk like the one he wished heâd had back in high school.Â
While their âcareersâ were taking off, both of their mental health started to⌠decay, for lack of a better word. Dan was shutting himself in, trying to cram while also filming his videos in the confines of his dorm, not socialising with anyone other than Phil. Phil, on the other hand, was experiencing an insane amount of feelings and pains and aches at all times; he often felt like he was going to be sick or pass out or like he was actually losing his mind.Â
After a particularly bad week and hours of ranting to Dan, he sent Phil a link to a questionnaire he learned to use in one of his classes. It went into some hard topics such as the urge to not be alive anymore and, to be honest, that crossed Philâs mind fairly often. The end result was clear: 98% depression.Â
Phil frowned. He had never considered himself depressed, but Dan stopped him right there. He said it was actually anxiety, like really bad anxiety. Having a lot of context to Philâs replies helped him to reach a more accurate diagnosis, not that Dan was qualified yet, but it was a start.
He recommended therapy and a brand of natural sedatives you could buy without a prescription, but Phil snapped and yelled at Dan like he had never yelled at him before.Â
He was not crazy, he didnât need therapy, right?Â
He mulled over the thought, but he was not crazy, he didnât need therapy at all so he was not going to waste money he could be saving on something he didnât need. The sedatives⌠those were a different matter. At first, he had rejected that idea as well, but when visiting his own parents became too much for him, he relented - they were crushed flowers after all.Â
Phil approached the pills as a sort of experiment, he just wanted to try them out and see if they helped at all, as Dan had suggested. After reading the leaflet several times over and making sure that he wasnât taking too many, he took the first dose. It was weird, they took the edge of anxiety and put him to sleep, at least at first, his body too exhausted after being so tense for months at a time, but they werenât a magical solution, by night, the nasty feeling in the pit of his stomach would come back to haunt him.Â
Eventually, he started to get used to them and instead of putting him to sleep, they helped him cope a bit better by taking the edge off his anxiety.Â
Apparently, what heâd been experiencing on the regular were not panic attacks, according to Dan, because he didnât believe he was dying during them, but anxiety attacks. The sedatives held them back for the most part. Although Phil had to admit that he took more than the dosage on occasion, feeling emboldened by the fact that the O.D. amount was like 4 full boxes and he couldnât even afford that many anyway, not with his YouTube earnings.
Dan was happy with the progress he was making, even if it was not a lot and Mark said that he looked less dead since he started taking them, and he would know, since they had moved in together after Danâs rejection.
Dan was in therapy and into some weird forms of meditation that had nothing to do with science, like reiki, but he was still having trouble with his mental health himself so Phil really tried and failed to not burden him with his issues but at least he repaid the favour quite often. Sometimes Dan would call him in the middle of the night to talk and Phil always stayed up with him, trying to unravel whatever was eating away at Danâs mind, talking about everything and nothing at all and Phil kind of loved it.
It was a difficult dynamic all around. After that week in December, Dan had never offered Phil sex, even when heâd stayed over and slept on the same bed, but he still behaved overly territorial about him in public. Dan seemed to be jealous of Mark as well, although Phil didnât understand if it was because of their friendship or the benefits that came with it.Â
The sexual part of his friendship with Mark had settled a bit anyway. Mark and Phil still had sporadic sex if they both felt too desperate, but the excitement was out of the equation, it was more out of familiarity and as a way to comfort each other. Ever since Philâs interest had shifted to Dan, Mark and Philâs friendship had blossomed into something more stable and almost brotherly. The emotional connection was still there, but there was nothing else muddying it.
As roommates, they woke up together, cooked together, cleaned their flat and Mark even helped him film sometimes - just behind the camera.Â
---
June 2011
Phil went out of his way to throw a little birthday party for Dan since he had mentioned wanting to finally celebrate the occasion this year because he now had good friends to keep him company, but the party almost didnât happen.
As it turned out, Dan was feeling quite overwhelmed with his newfound fame. The fans had started recognising him out and about, taking pictures of him without his consent and the shippers that constantly teased him about being gay. Dan still hadnât come out as gay or bisexual to his fans, so this was quite rude and Phil could tell that it was really taking its toll on him. But with everything going on, Phil hadnât expected Dan to plan a trip to Whockingham with a new friend heâd made at uni. A friend that he had admitted having a crush on.
To be perfectly honest, Phil was jealous, and admittedly frustrated because he didnât know much about this person or their intentions, and Dan was very tight-lipped about them. All Phil knew was their name: Sam. He didnât even know if it was a Sam or a Samantha. His stomach turned when he heard about Danâs plans but he didnât want to ruin them so he didnât mention it. Still, Dan noticed that something was wrong and pushed until Phil fessed up about the party. He tried to wave Dan off and let him do his own thing, but his eyes were quickly filling with tears just thinking how easy it was for Dan to dismiss his efforts and still want to leave.
Dan thankfully put his foot down and said that he could take Sam home to meet his parents the following week; he had just forgotten Phil had mentioned something about them celebrating together.
Heâd forgotten⌠Phil shook his head and put on a brave smile. It was fine, Dan had decided to stay after Phil mentioned it and that had to mean something, right?Â
Phil let out a sigh of relief at the thought and Mark was happy enough to help him set out the place, even offering to stay at a friendâs and give them privacy, but Phil didnât want to consider the possibility that Dan would want to have sex with him again, it was probably a lost cause at this point - even if he sometimes did things that confused Phil.
Sam hadn't arrived with Dan for his party and Dan hadn't even mentioned them once, which confused Phil even though he hadn't mentioned inviting Sam either. It just came as a shock to see Dan walk in alone, making Phil realise that he had been half expecting Dan to bring Sam along, and he didn't quite know what to do with that information. In the end, the party consisted of just them three, video games, an endless supply of Malibu and movies.Â
At one point the doorbell rang while they were watching the conjuring and Phil managed to pour an entire bowl of popcorn onto the floor. Still laughing, Dan stumbled to the door and opened it before letting out a high pitched scream as Sarah and Anja pulled him into a hug, not that Dan knew who they were before they pulled Danâs ears 20 times in honour of his birthday.
âHappy birthday, Dan!â Yelled Anja.
âYeahhh, happy birthday little man!â Sarah said and patted Danâs back a bit too hard before dragging him back to the sofa. âIâm Sarah, Philâs old roomie, by the way. Sorry about that, we got a bit carried away,â she said and plopped down next to Dan. This is Anja, Iâm sure Phil mentioned her.â
Dan nodded. âI was wondering if we would ever meet. Every time we see your group you guys never come! I was starting to think you were avoiding me,â he laughed.
âNah,â said Sarah, waving him off. âYou know how it is with new relationships, we were spending most of our time at home.â She wiggled her eyebrows.Â
Dan blinked repeatedly. âI didnât know you guys were together.â
âPhil didnât tell you? Cheeky bugger!â She said, popping some popcorn into her mouth. She looked at Anja. âUh, itâs only been, how long?â
âFive months next Tuesday!â Anja said. âWe met over the phone a few years ago and I was with someone else at the time, but when I came to visit Phil in January of this year I was free and I asked her out even though I didnât know if she was a lesbian or not. Luckily she said yes.â
âWow,â Dan said, grabbing his drink from the coffee table and giving Phil a side-eye. âYou make a cute couple! I didnât even know Sarah was gay.â
âIâm bi actually,â said Sarah. âI didnât know until I met Anja either. I gave her a shot and itâs honestly been the best relationship Iâve had so far. The more you know, right?â
âDo you guys want to come to a gay party tonight?â Anja said. âWeâve only stopped for a bit because weâre heading there.â
âUuhh,â Dan said. âNo, I donât think I can do that, but you guys enjoy it.â
Sarah gave him a knowing look. âI understand,â she said. âSo what are we watching?â
âThe conjuring!â Mark said. âPhil likes to torture us.â
Anja groaned. âOh, Sarah will keep us here until it ends.â
Sarah nodded. âJust this one! Itâs halfway through as well so it wonât be that long.â
Mark shook his head with a small smile and handed them drinks.
Anja grabbed the crisps and rested her head on Sarahâs shoulder.
When the movie was over, the girls started to say their goodbyes and Dan was well past the point of being tipsy, so he asked everyone for a kiss on the lips and as good friends that they were, they all obliged. Phil was overthinking things once again, making it in his mind as if Dan had taken way more time kissing him than the others, but he shut that inner monologue down and poured himself another drink instead.Â
Mark walked the girls out and once they were alone Dan turned to Phil. âYou didnât tell me they were together,â Dan said with a frown.
âWho?â Phil asked absentmindedly, his mind a bit clouded by alcohol.
âSarah and Anja. I didnât even know they had met.âÂ
Mark walked in and raised his eyebrows at Phil but said nothing, grabbing his drink from the table and taking a sip instead.
âI didnât know you wanted to be kept up to date with my other friendsâ lives. Sorry,â Phil said, taken aback. That had come out a bit rude and he didnât even know why. He was a bit upset about Danâs sudden mood change and questioning.
âI donât know, you used to tell me everything and I feel like you donât anymore,â Dan retorted with an icy tone.
âWhy are you trying to start a fight? I made this party for you, I introduced you to my friends, I always try to make you feel included, and no, I donât keep things from you. When you talk to me I talk to you, you have just been talking to other people more.â There, heâd said it. The thing he shouldnât have said. He was being a bad friend, he was being needy and he hated himself for it. He shouldnât have drunk at all, now he couldnât take his sedatives and his anxiety was just trying to crawl out of him.
Dan frowned and lowered his head. âShit, Iâm sorry. I ruin everything.â
Phil rubbed at his forehead, letting out a deep sigh and shook his head. âItâs fine. Iâm sorry too. Things happen, people get busy. Youâre not a bad friend because you are doing other things now.â
âBut you feel neglected,â Dan said, finally meeting his eyes.
Phil shook his head again. âMy feelings are not your responsibility. We both know I can get upset about the craziest of things. I will handle it.â
âI want to be there for you, like you are always there for me.â
âYou are,â Phil tried.
âHere,â Mark said, giving a drink each. âI will leave you guys to talk this out,â he smiled reassuringly.Â
âThatâs not n-â Phil started but Dan cut him off.
âThank you, Mark!â Dan said with a tentative smile and extended his hand towards Phil.
Phil accepted the offer and let himself be guided to the balcony, grabbing one of the garden chairs and sitting outside.
âActually, give me a sec,â Dan said and ran back inside to turn all of the lights and the TV off before returning and sitting at Philâs side. âThere. The stars are so beautiful, I like to sit outside and stargaze when Iâm struggling.â
âI remember. You must spend a lot of time outside at night,â Phil joked.
âI do. Every time I call you in the middle of the night Iâm out, just looking up and trying to figure things out.â
âYouâre going to get stabbed one day, this is Manchester, not Whockingham,â Phil commented, taking another sip of his Malibu. âWhat have you been struggling with lately? You seem so far away sometimes.â
âMyself, my identity, what I want from life. I donât know. Do I want to continue doing skits on YouTube? Do I want to become a therapist? I donât think those two are compatible, who would take me seriously? And most importantly, what Iâm always struggling with: the meaning of my life. Why do things matter? I donât think anything matters at all.â
Neither of them mentioned Sam or what they were supposed to be 'figuring out', but Phil couldn't have cared less at that moment. He placed his hand on Danâs and squeezed lightly. âI think you matter a lot, Dan.â
âI donât, Iâm a nobody.â Dan looked away into the night.
âYou matter a lot, to me. Youâre my best friend,â Phil clarified. âYou have been my friend for⌠six years now. Youâre twenty and more mature than I am at twenty-four. You have it all more figured out than I do, you just donât know it.â
âDo you think so?â Dan asked, finally looking into Philâs eyes.
âI do,â Phil said. âI am so proud of you and who you have become.â
Dan frowned. âWhat if itâs all just an illusion and Iâm pretending to be this way? What if itâs all a mask?â
âI donât think you could pretend with me. I know you, Dan. I know literally all of your secrets.â
Dan paused for a moment, as if considering that statement and nodded. âActually, you do. Nobody else knows me better than you. Thank you.â
âAny time.â
Philâs alarm went off. It was midnight and Dan was officially twenty. âHappy birthday,â he said, raising his glass for a toast.
âThank you,â Dan smiled and raised his glass as well, knocking it to Philâs a bit too hard.
âGo get the cake from the fridge.â
âBut itâs my birthday and Iâm comfy,â Dan whined, in that squeaky voice that Phil loved.Â
âStop complaining, Iâll get the candle so you can get your wish.â
They both groaned like eighty year olds as they got up and went to get the cake and candle. It was a bit silly to be the only one singing for Dan but they were no strangers to silliness and the bright smile Dan gave him made it all worth it a million times over. Fuck, Phil would kill to see that smile every day.Â
Dan blew the candle and turned towards Phil, taking a step forward and getting into his space. He looked down at Philâs lips for only a second, making him breathless, making him want to do something stupid.
Phil cleared his throat. âWhat did you wish for?â
Dan shook his head and ran his nose on Philâs, looking into his eyes, searching for something, Phil didnât know what, but after only a second, Dan smiled and kissed him deeply. They kissed and kissed and talked and laughed until they fell asleep on Philâs bed still fully clothed.
---
Things were sort of back to normal after that. They were friendly, and often flirty, but nothing more.Â
All of Philâs friends knew of Dan even if Phil didnât want to go into detail; they had all gotten the impression that if they were not dating, at least, Dan was a good friend and therefore welcomed him accordingly. In fact, Ian invited them up north to meet his baby and it was one of the best trips they had ever taken together. Dan felt completely at ease with Ian and his wife and he was obsessed with their little girl. Phil snapped a pic of her taking a nap on Danâs lap, one of his favourite memories of the trip, and later shared it with the internet.Â
Ian was still a good friend. Even if their life choices had been very different and he had gone and gotten a whole wife and kid, he was still very much a part of Philâs life and invited him over as often as he could, not minding that Phil hardly ever said yes. He didnât judge Phil for his sexuality, his Youtube career or his lack of achievements; he was just happy that Phil was happy. He even helped Dan and him set up a liveshow in his living room and allowed them to show the cute baby, which made everyone lose their minds.
It was a fun trip. Phil felt at ease watching Dan chatting and connecting with his friends, slotting perfectly into his group and even exchanging memes with Richard and when the guys suggested a repeat as soon as they all could in Manchester, he didnât hesitate to say yes.
For a moment Phil allowed himself to think that their issues were resolved and they could move forward whether they got together or not. They could still be friends and have a clear separation between their friendship and the unresolved sexual tension/flirting, but he was proved wrong shortly after.
Dan routinely asked him for help to get into Samâs pants and Phil didnât want to be a bad friend, so he advised him as best as he could while also calling out the clear red flags Sam displayed, like when Sam constantly flirted with Dan even though they had a girlfriend.Â
In fact, Dan didnât even know if Sam was out or not, or if they were even bi, maybe they just wanted someone to do their uni work for them and Dan was quite good with his papers. As it turned out, Sam was a non-binary person, which had taken Dan long enough to figure out and this was perhaps, their most intriguing quality, what caught Danâs eye. In his own words, the androgyny of this person allowed Dan to be attracted to them and he didnât know what that meant.
A few weeks after their trip, Phil almost got green with envy seeing pics of Dan and Sam spending lots of time with Danâs family. He even took them to his nanaâs house, and Phil had not been to hers. It seemed that Dan felt more comfortable sharing Sam with his family, taking pictures of his mum with them and showing them around, unlike Phil who barely got to see Danâs room 90% of the time. Phil wondered if they had shared a bed but he drew the line at asking. That wouldâve been too low, even for him.
In October they filmed the third instalment in what was now a series, Pinof, and the fans went crazy about it. It was exciting but nerve wracking because Phil had no idea if the format would work a third time without people getting bored of it, but luckily, it did. By December Phil was burned out, he was constantly exhausted but he couldnât sleep at all even with the sedatives, so Dan offered to send him Reiki from his dorm.Â
Phil had a very vague understanding of what it was, but he trusted Dan enough to let him do his thing. If Dan said it would help him, he figured there was no hurt in trying. So after a particularly exhausting filming day, Phil went to bed as instructed and tried to sleep but it was useless, until-Â
He started to feel tingles all over his body and shut his eyes, feeling himself relax, all worries leaving him, at least for the time being, and before he knew it, he was asleep.
The following day was insane for many reasons. First, he asked Dan if heâd started the thing at 9 pm which was when he felt the tingles and Dan confirmed that yes, that was the time.Â
âYou are possessed and Iâm scared of you,â Dan said over Skype.
Phil laughed. âWhat do you mean?â
âYou know how my dorm is full of pigeon nests and they are always hanging out on our windows?â
âYeah?â
âIâve been here for over a year and Iâve never seen anything like it. When I started sending you reiki, the pigeons went wild and one of them crashed into my fucking window like it was trying to kill me!â
âOh my god! What does that mean?â Phil asked, still laughing. That was so creepy but it made him weirdly proud. If anyone was to be a demon child, it made sense that it was him.
âI donât know, but animals dying while trying to kill me for sending you good vibes is mental. I think you need to call the Vatican, mate.â
âYeah⌠but can you do it again in a few weeks? It was good.â
Dan laughed. âMaybe, if youâre good.â He winked.
----
December 1st 2011
Phil looked out the window and let out a tired sigh. The storm raging outside reminded him of his own mood.Â
âLife is hard sometimes,â he said, looking into Danâs eyes through the screen.
âI know, but things can always be worse,â Dan said with a cheeky smile. He always did that, find comfort in sarcasm.
âTrue, but I still feel upset sometimes. Yesterday I watched my favourite movie again and I cried so hard I couldnât breathe. But I guess thatâs normal, I can never watch it without crying.â
âOh, what movie is that?â Dan asked, suddenly sitting up straight.
Phil blinked, realising that he had never mentioned it to Dan which was odd since they had watched so many films together. âWhat dreams may come, with Robin Williams.â
âWhy does it make you cry?âÂ
âItâs very sad, most of his family dies and heâs just lonely, but it has a good ending,â he said, trying not to spoil the main plot point.
Dan hummed. âWould you recommend it to me?â
Phil considered it and shook his head. The way one of the characters died... better not send Dan that kind of thing. âNo, I donât think it would be good for you. Itâs too sad.â
âMy favourite movie is sad too.â Dan shrugged. âDo you know Edith Piaf?â
âUh, the singer?â
âYeah, âLa Vie En Roseâ is a movie about her life, and she had an awful life. She was a very strong woman.â
Phil swayed side to side, considering if he was curious enough about Danâs tastes to watch another sad movie so soon. âShould I watch it?â
âAbsolutely, itâs a beautiful movie.â
Phil flinched as thunder hit way too close for comfort and decided to call it a night. âIâll watch it tonight then. Better go to bed before something explodes here.â
âYeah. Let me know what you thought.â
âAlright, good night!â
âNight, Philly!â Dan said before disconnecting the call.Â
It took some time for Phil to get snacks and find a semi-decent website to watch the movie for free, but he eventually did and settled down under the covers before pressing play.
The movie started sad, truly sad, more than Dan had let on, but things eventually started to pick up for Edith. She pulled herself out of poverty and a horrible living situation with her talent alone and found a modicum of success in time, which was amazing, but she struggled to find love for the longest time.Â
Phil couldnât help but relate to her and empathise with her and feel the sheer glee she felt when she met the man that had inspired her most popular song and the name of the movie. She was so happy and in love.
It reminded him of how he felt when he met Dan and how happy Dan made him, but that proved to be a double-edged sword when Edithâs love died in a plane accident, shattering her heart and leaving her hopeless and loveless for the rest of his life.Â
Philâs eyes welled up with tears; he could relate to that as well. It reminded him of the uncertainty surrounding his situation with Dan, the hopelessness he felt as Dan slipped through his fingers.Â
Phil cried, he cried for Edith, who only knew love once and lost it and he cried for himself because he got to know real love only for it to be thwarted, confusing, intense and maybe even unattainable. He covered himself up in bed and sobbed until his entire body hurt, hoping to fall asleep soon, but just as he shut his eyes, his phone vibrated. It was a message from Dan.
âHow was the movie?â
âFuck you.â
âI told you it was sad, lol. I watched your movie anyway. I like the concept. Itâs like us. I donât believe in soulmates, but I know I could find you in any world.â
âI hate you.â
Phil knew that Dan didnât mean it in the way he needed him to and that only made it worse. He wondered if he was destined to die sad and alone like Edith because he too was losing his soulmate.
---
December 25th 2011
Just after 3 am Philâs phone rang and it was Dan, of course. âHey.â
âHey,â Dan said, sounding a bit sad. âHow are you doing?â
âGreat. Martyn and Cornelia are here being all over each other and that doesn't help to keep our parents off my back about when Iâm going to bring someone home.â
Dan laughed humourlessly. âYouâll find someone.â
âYeah,â Phil said, wanting to argue but knowing that something was wrong with Dan. âAre you alright? You sound a bit off,â he said before Dan could deny it.Â
âSam is considering breaking up with their girlfriend because they are having issues. The girlfriend cheated, and sheâs honestly not a very good person, but at the same time Sam doesnât really want to break up after two years together but they keep flirting with me, running their fingers through my hair and they even slept over at my dorm one day when we were cramming. I donât know, I feel like Iâm going crazy. Do you think Sam likes me?â
âUm - If I had to guess, yes. But the signals are not very clear with the whole girlfriend situation. Why does Sam keep flirting with you while they are in a relationship? I canât find the logic in any of it.â Phil was proud of himself for biting his tongue instead of saying exactly what he thought about Sam.
Dan hummed. âI think their relationship is pretty dead but they are just trying to pretend like it isnât.â
 Phil frowned. âDo you think you should be holding out hope? I donât want you to get hurt.â
âProbably not,â Dan admitted and let out a long sigh.
Phil bit his lip and took a moment to gather his thoughts. âI donât know. I think that Sam may be interested in you but flirting while being in a relationship isnât good. What if you got together and they did the same with someone else? Would you trust them to not do the same?â
âThat is actually a good point,â Dan admitted. âI just donât know if this is a thing. Are they interested in me? Are they just playing? At this point I donât even know if we are actually good friends or Iâve imagined that all on my own.â
Phil swallowed thick and shut his eyes tightly, bracing himself for what could be the devastating truth. âAre you in love with them?â
âJesus, Phil!â Dan said. âI donât know if Iâve ever been in love with anyone, let alone with Sam.â
âSo you were never in love with Emilio?â Phil pressed. It was wrong of him to bring Emilio up but he wanted to know.
âNo, I donât think so,â said Dan, sounding very small. âMaybe I just canât love anyone. I donât think anyone has loved me either so maybe thatâs for the best.â
Phil bit his tongue a bit too hard to stop himself from telling Dan that he loved him. He actually hadnât thought about it, what kind of feelings he had for his friend, that is. He hadnât wanted to think about actual love, hoping that avoiding that train of thought would help him keep his emotions at bay, but Phil should have realised that he was awful at that. âSomeone will love you. Someone who is good for you, not like EmilioâŚâ
âNot like Sam either?â Dan asked. âThatâs what you were thinking, right?â
Phil paused for a bit too long.
âYou donât like Sam for me, do you?â Dan pressed.
âWell⌠You know about my experience with cheating and Sam sounds like a cheater, if not a physical cheater, Sam is emotionally cheating with you. I donât like that, but Iâm not the person who has to like it, thatâs you.â
Dan huffed. âYou are not making this any easier,â he snapped.
âI donât know what you want me to say. What should I say?â Phil mumbled, trying not to let Dan know that his comment hurt.
âDonât be like that,â Dan pleaded.
âWhat?â Phil asked, his voice breaking.
âIâm sorry, itâs not your fault,â Dan said. âI just donât know what to do.â
âOk,â Phil whispered and cleared his throat. âIâm going to sleep now.â
âIâm sorry,â Dan said, sounding a bit more desperate to placate Phil.
âItâs fine, Iâm just tired,â Phil tried. âBye,â he whispered and hung up before Dan could reply. He turned off his phone and got to bed and covered himself up to his head, letting the tears flow freely. The entire situation was shit, he was exhausted, Dan only cared about Sam and talking about Sam and he was getting more distant with Phil when all Phil could do was love him.
Dan sent Phil a Merry Christmas text in the morning, but Phil didnât reply.
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 4: We Should Be Friends
May 2010
After theyâd posted their first collab a few months prior, their YouTube channels had started to receive a lot more attention. It was very evident that people preferred their chemistry and energy together rather than apart, so they decided to capitalise on that as often as they could. Why not? They had an amazing time filming together anyway.
During Philâs first visit to Whockingham, he and Dan decided to give pinof (like everyone, including themselves, began to call it) a mighty counterpart, not a sequel, but⌠a different twist on the concept, this time on Danâs channel. The questions were quite different from those they received for pinof, or as Dan put it, they were the same fans but they found it easier to express themselves on his channel. That mightâve been true since Dan received creepy mail from them often, while Phil got drawings and cute things for the most part.
A surprising aspect of sharing their friendship online was that people really shipped them. They didnât say it out loud at first, but then the conversation started shifting from fans speaking to them to fans speaking about them, usually in places where Dan and Phil could easily see it, like Tumblr and Twitter.
It was no big deal at the time so they decided to carry on without paying the shippers any mind as long as they were not rude or super invasive.
---
January - June 2010Â
Moving back home with his parents after his master had been good the first few months. He even felt that he had a better relationship with his dad. Itâs not that he didnât love Phil, but heâd had so many expectations that didnât align with what Phil wanted whatsoever, so there was no way Phil was going to fulfil them. The cordless hammer drill heâd given Phil for his birthday was testament enough of it.
Phil could be many things but the so-called âmanly typeâ was certainly not one of them. He was sensitive and he wore skinny jeans and eyeliner - and he liked men. But still, he felt a bit closer to his father now that they had shared a home as adults for some time.
Phil threw himself back onto his old bed and let out a huff. He felt like such a couch potato but he didnât want to see anyone or do anything. As of late, he just felt like sleeping all day and playing games all night. His family was not fond of the little routine he had going but at the same time he was 23 years old, itâs not like they could tell him what to do like when he was a child. On the other hand, they were still his parents and this was still their home so the situation was a bit strange.Â
He was an adult, but he still wasnât any good at it. It was as if he hadnât fully developed yet and he often felt like everyone else had things figured out except for him. Anja had a good job and lived with her girlfriend. Most of his childhood friends had moved out and were able to support themselves - even Richard - and Phil was finding it hard to find a steady job.
He had a gig editing⌠âAdult videosâ for the summer but then he was done.Â
Philâs stomach growled, reminding him that he had refused to go down to eat all day to avoid his dad and the talk he so eagerly wanted to have. He had managed to put it off for nearly 24 hours but if he didnât eat something soon he was going to faint - again.
Huffing, Phil sat up and regretted it immediately when his world spun. He took a deep breath and got out of bed, making his way downstairs with one hand to the wall to avoid falling. He walked into the empty kitchen and thought luck would be on his side this time, but when the microwave dinged announcing that the leftovers were ready, his dad appeared seemingly out of thin air.
âI thought you were never going to come out,â his dad joked, making Phil feel like shit for avoiding him.
âSorry, I was just sleeping,â he said, grabbing the plate from the microwave and sitting at the breakfast bar.
âAre you sure?â his dad asked suspiciously, eyeing him carefully. âYou look pale and your dark circles are only getting deeper.â
âJeez, thanks Dad.â Phil rolled his eyes, already angry, even if he didnât know why.
His dad raised his hands and took a small step back. âIâm just worried about you, that's all.â
Phil let out a small sigh. âIâm sorry, I guess Iâm still tired. Iâm alright.â He pushed the rice in his plate around, not really eating anything. âSo, what did you want to talk about?â
âYour mum and I were talking a few days ago and⌠we are wondering what your plans are - for the future,â he said, finally coming to sit next to Phil.
âI donât know yet,â Phil mumbled, trying to make himself smaller in his stool.
âWe think it would be best if you find a job and move out j-â
âYouâre kicking me out?â Phil said, dropping his fork and looking at him.
âNo, Phil. Well⌠we know that you donât really want to live here, but you donât seem to know what youâre doing. You canât sleep all day and stay up all night playing games forever. Youâre wasting away.â
âI canât believe you are kicking me out,â Phil said, his voice shaking a little in a mix of anger and hurt.
His dad put a hand on his shoulder. âWe are not kicking you to the streets, just giving you a little push. We will help you move and give you money if you need it. And youâll always have a place to return to if anything were to happen, you know that. We are worried about you,â he said. âAnd we want to see you do well, living your own life as an adult.â
Phil looked into his eyes.âI guess⌠you are right. I just donât know what Iâm doing,â he mumbled.
âThatâs normal. Nobody is born knowing these things. We have all summer to figure it out - together.â
Phil nodded and finally took the first bite. The rice was already a bit too cold.
---
August 2010
Moving to Manchester turned out to be a blessing. He managed to land a job at the Disney Store that didnât totally suck, and he had his very own place. His flat was basically a shoebox on Jefferson Place overlooking a prison but he didnât have to share with anyone for the time being.Â
Well, he wasnât officially sharing with anyone, but as Dan had promised in one of his YouTube videos, as soon as he started uni at Manchester, he âdumped all of his shitâ at Philâs and visited as often as he could. It was amazing to have his friend so close by, he was a great source of entertainment, and it kept Phil from going insane or staying in and getting cabin fever - if you could get cabin fever by living alone in Manchester.Â
Dan had helped Phil so many times in his life, just being there, being his friend and listening to his weird rants, and Phil was glad to have the opportunity to pay Dan back by being a bit of the voice of experience when it came to uni matters, and to provide Dan with a quiet place to study, or to have a breakdown when he needed it.
One fateful afternoon, barely 10 minutes after Phil walked in from work, the doorbell rang and when he opened the door, he saw Dan, soaking wet with a huge pile of laundry in a trash bag, lips trembling and eyes filled with unshed tears.Â
He knew better than to ask, so instead, he pulled Dan into a hug and grabbed the bag from him slowly, setting it on the floor. âItâs ok,â he mumbled into Danâs hair. âGo sit on the sofa and Iâll make us some tea.â
âThanks,â Dan said and made himself at home, taking his spot on the sofa, just like always.
Phil put on the kettle and set the cups on the counter before putting the first load into the washer; it looked like it would be probably three. âAre you having laundry problems again?â
âIâm having all sorts of problems⌠laundry is only one of them.â
âAnything I can do about it?âÂ
Dan let out a huff and stared at the ceiling. âI guess⌠I just donât fit in - anywhere. I thought this would be different, no rocks, no punches in the locker room, but itâs still the same. Iâm still too fucking lame to make friends, my roommates are insane, people still gossip about me and I hate most of my classes. Whatâs the point of studying psych if I canât figure out my own fucking problems?â
âYou are cool, Dan. If your roommates donât like you, thatâs on them. You are one of the kindest people I know, who wouldnât want to be your friend?â Phil asked, pouring the hot water into their mugs and bringing them over to the coffee table very carefully before sitting at his side. âJust hang out with other people, you donât need to be their friend.â
âItâs easy for you to say, you make friends so easily.â
âI donât, not anymore, I think. It was easier when I was a kid and I didnât realise people found me weird, and then I figured out Iâm gay and nobody else was,â Phil said, thinking back to high school. âWell, Anja is a lesbian but I didnât know that until much later. Iâve been awkward all my life, but I eventually learned to pick the right people and to leave the judgemental ones behind. If they donât like me, I donât like them either.â
âYou have the best personality ever. Anyone who doesnât like you is crazy,â Dan said after a long pause.
âWell, thatâs how I feel about you too,â Phil said, patting Danâs knee.Â
âThanks, Phil, really,â Dan said. âYouâre a good friend.â
Phil nodded and tried to keep a straight face. âNow, about the laundry-â
Dan pushed him. âShut up! Someone just took my load out and left it on the floor soaking, Iâve fucking had it.â
âThatâs at least 3 loads, it wonât wash properly if you put too much in.â
âYour mum has too much in,â Dan retorted.
âHey!â
âFine, you have too much in!â
âWell, sometimes, but good friends keep quiet about it,â Phil said, giggling.
Dan blushed and hit him with one of the sofa cushions.
Their tea mugs sat on the coffee table, untouched.
-----
December 10th 2010
Phil sat on his bed staring at Dan through the pixelated Skype call, restlessly rocking back and forward, fixing his fringe and picking at his fingers absentmindedly. He wouldnât have even noticed he was doing it if Dan hadnât pointed it out.
âWhatâs with you, mate?â Dan asked.
Phil huffed at his computer and consequently at Danâs smirking face on Skype. âI feel like Iâm about to get sick. Thereâs something wrong with me.â
Danâs face dropped. âWhat do you mean?â
âItâs just not normal,â he whined.
âPhilâŚâ Dan said, his tone a clear warning.
âI just - Listen, Frasier got into a relationship, Mark is away chasing some guys from Essex and my other regular just stopped answering my texts. I havenât had any sex in like two months and I feel like Iâm going insane. Is that normal?â
Danâs eyebrows shot up and he cackled.
âIâm serious! Sometimes I feel like thereâs something wrong with me. I feel like I need to have sex constantly or I start getting in a bad mood. People can actually tell when I come back from someoneâs house because Iâm all smiles and Iâm cheerful, then my mood drops as the days go by and now I think my friends are actually avoiding me. Am I sick?â
âI think itâs normal at our age. You got used to always having an option at hand and now your endless supply has run dry. You just need to get laid,â Dan said.
âWell, with whom? I donât want to go âhuntingâ?â Phil said, meaning going out to a pub and meeting someone new. He was a bit over that.
âOk, since you are not taking the hint, I will be more clear. I mean me. Do me,â Dan said with an awkward wink.
Philâs mouth nearly hit the ground. To be honest, he had thought about it but only vaguely since Dan didnât seem interested. âA-are you serious?â
âYeah⌠if you want,â Dan said, scratching the back of his head.
âYou donât have to do this for me if you donât want to, really. I donât want you to feel pressured into it, I was just venting,â Phil said, feeling a bit embarrassed but also quite interested.Â
âYou would be doing me a favour. I am also out of options and we are friends, why not enjoy it, right? It would be fun.â
Phil contemplated it for a moment but smiled and nodded. It would definitely be fun, like everything he did with Dan. It would be great. âOk, so⌠when. And Where?â
âSince your parents are in Miami, why donât I come over tomorrow and help you desecrate your childhood bed?â Dan smirked. âEver had anyone over?â
Phil shook his head. âNot for sex.â
âPerfect,â Dan smiled.
---
They met in Manchester Piccadilly once again and took the bus to Philâs childhood home, no extra stops or sightseeing this time. They hadnât agreed on when it would happen so the anticipation, the tension between them and the little smiles Dan was giving him were driving Phil mad. He wanted to take it slow but he also wanted Dan in his bed immediately.
Phil took a calming breath as they entered the house, taking their coats and hanging them. The silence was deafening. âDo you want to order pizza and watch a movie?â he offered, trying to cut the tension.
âYeah,â Dan said, looking relieved. He dropped his bag on the ground and went about checking Philâs new DVD collection while Phil ordered.
Once the pizza was safely on the coffee table, they plopped down on the sofa and pressed play. Phil smiled when he saw the title screen for Wall-e; he had been meaning to watch that movie but he didnât enjoy movies as much if he was home alone so watching it with Dan for the first time was just ideal.Â
The night was a bit of a rollercoaster. They commented along with the plot, marvelling at how cute Wall-e was, laughing at the jokes and nearly choking on the pizza when they thought Wall-e was dead. Dan was fully sobbing at that point but then⌠then Eva saved him, she helped him get better; just like Dan and Phil helped each other through the rough times.
Without giving it another thought, Phil wiped away Danâs tears and pressed their lips together, pulling Dan into a hug and rubbing comforting circles on his back. It was a brief and sweet moment but when he tried to pull away, Dan looked into his eyes, buried his fingers in Philâs hair and pulled him even closer, kissing him again.
Phil gasped and before he knew it, Dan was all over him, kissing him with more enthusiasm than anyone before. He ran his tongue on Philâs lips, pulling at his hoodie and pressing him into the sofa, their breaths quickening.
Laughing, Phil pushed at Danâs chest gently until the other paused, looking at him with wide eyes. Oh, how Phil loved those beautiful brown eyes. âLetâs go upstairs,â he said, breathlessly.
âOk, yeah,â Dan said, helping Phil to stand and running up the stairs, but once they got to the bedroom door, he hesitated, not wanting to go inside.
Phil squeezed Danâs hand in reassurance. âHey, itâs ok if you donât want to do anything. You know that, right?â
âNo! I mean - I know that!â Dan said, biting his lip. âItâs not that, itâs just that⌠thereâs something I havenât told you, something big.â
Phil frowned, trying to guess what Dan was talking about. âWhat is it? You can tell me anything!â
âYou remember my girlfriend, right?â Dan asked. âFrom high school.â
âYeah, are you still together?â Phil asked, his stomach dropping. He had honestly no idea where this was going.
âNo, no-no no,â Dan said, stalling. âI had a girlfriend but it was like only two months because I couldnât do it with her,â he gestured vaguely.Â
Phil cocked his head at him. Was Dan trying to tell him that he had issues getting it up? He didnât say anything hoping that Dan would elaborate so he didnât have to think of something to say without putting his foot in his mouth.
âI couldnât because⌠for the last 3 years Iâve been fucking Emily,â he mumbled, trailing off as he went to the point where Phil could barely make out the end of that sentence.
Philâs face dropped and so did his jaw, his stomach, his heart. âWhat!? Your ugly cousin???!â
âNO!â Dan said, his brow burrowing into a frown. âOh, my god! I said EMILIO!... Emilio,â he repeated, this time lowering his eyes to the floor.
âOh,â Phil said, remembering that name. That was one of Danâs emo friends.
âItâs over, but I havenât been able to be with anyone else,â Dan said, barely breathing as he continued to explain himself. âHe manipulated me so much, thatâs why I didnât always reply. He was constantly checking in on me and he didnât want to make it official, but he also didnât want me to be with anyone else. I donât even know if Iâm gay or if he just damaged me that much. I never thought about it, he just offered sex and I said yes because why would I say no? I was just horny.â
âOh, Dan,â Phil said, pulling him into a hug. âWe donât have to do anything, you donât need to prove anything to me or even yourself. Itâs ok to take your time to figure it out, you know?â
Dan pressed his face into Philâs neck, making the next words that came out of his mouth sound quite muffled. âI know, but I feel like - like itâs different with you. Iâve always known you were hot. I donât need to figure that out, I just didnât want to keep that secret from you. Nobody knows, none of our friends.â
âDo you still have feelings for him?â Phil ventured, letting go of Dan. He needed to know where Dan stood even if nothing else happened between them.
âNo, I donât think I ever did,â Dan said, letting out a frustrated huff. âItâs complicated. There was always so much drama. In the end he stopped texting me and one day he shows up at my door with a kid, because he had a girlfriend in another town and he got her pregnant and oh, and the name of the kid? Dan! He gave the kid my fucking name.â
Phil blinked and ran his fingers through his hair, not knowing what to say. âThatâs a lot.â Fuck, that was a stupid comment.
âI know, thatâs why I wanted you to know. Do you think Iâm disgusting?â Dan asked.
âDan⌠for having sex with a guy? I do that! Why would I think itâs disgusting?â
Dan shrugged. âI donât know⌠It sounds stupid when you put it like that.â
âItâs not stupid. Youâre not stupid,â Phil corrected himself, knowing what Dan meant. âIâm sorry that you felt so confused and manipulated by him. You deserve love and attention and an untainted friendship.â
âDo you think I will ever have that?â Dan looked at him as if Phil held the truth at the tip of his tongue and could simply speak it into existence.
âYes, of course,â Phil said. âI would wait until you figured out how you feel about your own sexuality before you get into a relationship, but thatâs it.â
âThatâs exactly the problem,â Dan admitted. âI donât think I will figure it out anytime soon. Iâve been bullied for being gay my entire life when I didnât even know if I was gay or not,â he said. âBut I still want to try with you, if you want. I feel trust you enough to know that everything will be ok.â
âAre you sure?â Phil asked.
Dan nodded and pressed their lips together. âPlease,â he mumbled against Philâs lips. Somehow, after the difficult talk theyâd just had, Phil could tell that Dan was more relaxed and confident, so he let himself be guided to the bed and undressed at Danâs pace, trusting him to know what he wanted.Â
Dan took a step back and looked at Philâs naked body with hunger. âDo you have lube?â he asked.
Phil scrambled to open his nightstand drawer, making sure to put the different lube flavours and types as well as condoms at the top.
Picking one of the tubes, Dan stared at the label. âCherry?â he asked, quirking one eyebrow.
âThe flavoured ones are only for oral,â Phil explained. âThose donât mix well with condoms.â
Looking at Philâs cock, Dan smirked. âActually, thatâs an amazing idea,â he said, uncapping the lube, pouring way too much of it on his target and sinking to his knees.Â
Phil felt a bit at a disadvantage being the only one naked, but once Danâs lips enveloped him, all his hesitation went out the window. Once Dan started to bob his head and use his unfairly huge hands on Phil, he knew he was in trouble. Try as he might, it was embarrassingly fast, but it made Dan super proud of himself if his wolfish smile was any indication.Â
Then it was Philâs turn to undress Dan and explore his body, taking his time to learn what made him gasp and what made his toes curl. Feeling a bit competitive, Phil used every one of his tricks on Dan, pushing his buttons one by one until he was trembling, and only then did he take Dan cock in his mouth as far as he could take it without gagging and swirled his tongue around. Phil went tortuously slow, edging Dan until he was begging him and finally finished him off by hollowing his cheeks and taking him down his throat as he massaged his perineum, making sure to swallow every single drop.
Dan gave him a bewildered look. âYou swallowed.â
âI did,â Phil smirked, rubbing his teary eyes with pride. It was the first time he had managed to deepthroat anyone without gagging, but he was not going to admit that to Dan.
âI donât usually do that,â Dan admitted. âI donât like the taste.â
âThatâs perfectly fine. You donât have to,â Phil said, his voice a little hoarse. âI donât usually do it because itâs not ideal to do it with people you donât know.â He lay down at Danâs side and laced their fingers together. âItâs good to get tested every six months or so anyway, if you are active at least.â
âI never got tested,â Dan commented.
âYou didnât know, but now you do,â Phil smiled. âAnd you know Iâm clean because I got tested last month.â
Dan nodded and turned towards him, laying one leg over Philâs before leaning in for a kiss. It was sweet but deep and it lasted for what felt like forever. It made Philâs head spin, reminding him of their first kiss, just over a year ago. The kiss that had definitely made an impact on him but left so many questions too. At least now he knew the answer to most of those questions, except for⌠what it all meant for Dan.
Phil turned towards him and pulled him closer, pressing their bodies together. He smiled into the kiss when he felt Danâs hard on pressing against his. âAlready?â he murmured.
âItâs your fault for being so hot,â Dan said against his lips.
Phil felt one of Danâs arms reach for something behind his back but didnât think much about it until he felt Danâs slick hand wrapped around both of their cocks. Phil hissed at the cold feeling which felt strangely nice mixed with the touch and the warmth coming from Danâs gorgeous body. He let Dan do as he pleased as their bodies moved in tandem, their kiss turning into a symphony of gasps and moans, the pressure slowly building within Phil as his orgasm surged. He tilted his head, kissing Danâs neck and feeling him twitch as he let out a high pitched moan.
âYes!â Dan hissed, as he began to tremble, trying to keep some semblance of a rhythm as he approached his orgasm.
âSo hot,â Phil mumbled and bit Danâs neck, perhaps a bit too hard.Â
âFuck!â Dan moaned, his back arching as he came all over their chests, his hand going a bit lax until Phil wrapped his hand around Danâs and both of their cocks and thrust into the fist.Â
Danâs over stimulated whines only added to the fire. With a few more thrusts, he joined Dan, coming even harder than before.
âLester,â Dan panted, a smile on his lips. âYouâre a demon.â
Phil laughed, trying to catch his breath. âMaybe I am.â He buried his face into the crook of Danâs neck and hummed, falling asleep shortly after.
The following morning, Phil woke up first and crawled over Dan, pulling a pair of joggers and a hoodie on before going to the bathroom to rinse his body and brush his teeth. He wanted to make Dan breakfast but he needed to look presentable; well, that and nobody likes to walk around with dry come all over their body. He made a mental note to avoid falling asleep without cleaning up next time.
It wasnât anything fancy, just a bit of fruit and cereal. He was almost done and about to carry the tray up when he decided to add toast and eggs to the menu. It was fairly late anyway.
He walked into the bedroom and stopped in his tracks. He was shocked to find Dan gone and was considering checking the bathroom when he felt a pair of arms wrapping around his waist and something hard pressing against his ass, causing him to nearly drop the tray to the ground. âJesus!â
âItâs just Dan, but if you want to worship me Iâm in.â
Phil laughed. âIâll worship your mum,â he said, setting the tray on the bed.
âI was hoping to worship yours.â Dan wiggled his eyebrows.Â
âActually, shut up!â He nudged Danâs chest gently.
âAlright, alright. Iâll worship this gorgeous ass,â he said with a hint of a question in his tone.Â
Phil could tell that it was a joke but perhaps also a request. âIâm in if you want.â
âReally?â Dan squeaked, his eyes a bit wide.
âYeah!â Phil said with a smile.
âOk.â Dan let out a happy sigh and looked much more relaxed after Philâs reassurance.Â
They sat sideways on the bed, resting their backs against the wall and started eating breakfast. Time escaped them as they sat there for three hours without them even noticing, eating and chatting about life, especially everything that Dan had been stressing about - and kissing. In fact, they kissed so much that their lips were sore and puffy, and Phil was sure they would fall off at one point or another, but that didnât happen.Â
An incredible feeling of happiness and inner peace filled Phil in such a way that he couldnât stop smiling. He had honestly never felt like this, like his heart was going to crawl out of his chest. He briefly wondered if Dan felt the same, but even if he did, he knew that Dan was never going to admit it, not yet anyway. So instead of asking that, he decided to go with a different question. âDid you have fun last night?â He asked, setting the tray on the floor and scooching closer.
Dan got really quiet for a moment but his smile never dropped. âYou know I did.â
âYou know what I mean. Like, in general. How did you feel?â Phil pressed a bit.
âIt was⌠the best. I could do that every day,â Dan said, being serious for only a moment before he smirked and continued. âSo you better keep up, Lester. Iâm going to wear you out.â
âWeâll see,â Phil said, smiling and biting into Danâs neck without a warning. The whine Dan let out was evidence enough that he had won.
They eventually rolled out of bed and showered separately, so that they could actually wash up properly and go to the cinema. He scrolled on Twitter while Dan finished straightening his hair and saw the tweet from the previous night.Â
@danisnotonfire: All I can taste is cherry, all I can smell is cherry, all I can hear is cherry and all I can feel is cherry. Canât really see much though.
Phil snorted and shook his head, giving it a like before shutting his computer. They were almost late to see Paranormal Activity at the cinema.Â
---
They talked animatedly about the movie as they made their way back home through the snow. It had been a freaky experience but still super fun. Dan had clung to him the entire time even though Phil was just as scared, but it felt good anyway.Â
Phil hesitated before opening the door, Dan was giving him such an adoring look that it made him almost want to kiss him right there, in the street, where his prying neighbours could definitely see them. Almost. He shook his head and unlocked the door, letting Dan walk in first and watched him turn around on the spot and give him a look that made Philâs heart skip a beat.
They threw the wet outer layers to the floor right by the door and sprinted upstairs.Â
Dan didnât waste time taking over, undressing Phil and removing his own clothes swiftly. There was electricity in the air, but this felt different somehow.Â
Dan was in his element, all confidence and poise. âSuck,â he said as he made Phil sit on the edge of the bed and stood before him, and Phil did. He wrapped his lips around Danâs half hard cock and used his tongue to tease Dan until heâd had enough. Dan pulled his hair lightly and climbed over him without a word. This was a side of Dan that Phil had never seen, he was almost feral yet methodical. He kissed every inch of Philâs body that he could reach as he prepped him, using perhaps too much lube and pointedly avoiding any contact with his cock, but when Phil finally asked him to get on with it, Dan hesitated.Â
âEverything alright?â Phil asked.
Dan nodded, blush creeping into his cheeks as he pulled his fingers out. âYes, I just - I want you to ride me. If thatâs ok.âÂ
âWhatever you need, just ask,â Phil said, pressing a kiss to Danâs lips and letting him settle in the middle of the narrow bed. He made sure that the condom was probably in place and added more lube for good measure before pressing the tip of Danâs cock to his hole, slowly taking him in, letting out a happy sigh as he bottomed out. He set his hands on Danâs chest and watched his face intently as he began to rock back and forward first, teasing him a bit, relishing in the smouldering look on Danâs face. âHowâs that?â
âGood,â Dan said, letting out a snort that soon turned into a moan when Phil rose and let himself fall once again.Â
Phil smirked and repeated the motion a few times until he got used to the feeling and there was barely any resistance. Once he felt ready to really go for it, Phil shifted his weight forward, resting his hands on Danâs shoulders and began to ride him in earnest. Watching Danâs face and hearing him moan loudly was almost better than the feeling of having him inside, he couldâve almost come just from the view before him.
The bed was creaking under the pressure, the headboard slamming against the wall and Phil was in heaven. Heâd found the perfect angle, stars bursting in his eyes as the sound of flesh against flesh filled the room.
âAh! Ah! Phil!â Dan whined, holding onto Philâs hips, trying to slow him down.Â
Phil slapped his hands away, he knew that scrunched up face Dan was making. âDonât you dare hold it!â
âBut I can last a bit longer, I- fuck! I can, I swear!â Dan said, but Phil felt his cock getting even harder.
âSex is made to be enjoyed, stop trying to hold it!â Phil said, picking up the pace, his thighs screaming at him and his eyes rolling to the back of his head as he was also coming too close to the edge. âYes!â He hissed through his orgasm and leaned down to bite Danâs neck.
Dan set his feet flat on the bed and thrust up into Phil twiceâs stretched hole before coming deep inside of him.
âThatâs it,â Phil smiled, his mind floating. He pecked Danâs lips. âGood boy.â He felt Dan twitch inside of him at the praise but didnât mention it.
Laughing, Dan wrapped his arms around Phil and kissed his forehead as he tried to catch his breath. âThat was so good,â he said.
âYeah,â Phil said breathlessly. âWe should clean up before we fall asleep.â
Dan hummed and rolled his hips only a little bit, dragging his soft cock into Philâs sensitive walls.
Phil clenched around him wordlessly and watched Dan flinch. That was enough to make Dan pull out and dispose of the condom.
They awkwardly shuffled to the bathroom for a quick shower that turned into round two between laughs and kisses.
After a much needed bedding change, they got into bed and cuddled up together, showing each other memes and funny videos.Â
Phil decided to check Twitter where he saw yet another picture of Stephen and Charlie together. They didnât even look happy, but it made his mood sour anyway. Then he got a notification from Dan that put a smile right back on his face.
@danisnotonfire: Uma Thurman just watched me have sex.
The fact that Dan added a picture of the Kill Bill poster that appeared in many of his videos made him a bit proud. Dan was not hiding him, even despite all the fans already shipping them together.Â
---
December 16th 2010
On a whim, they decided that Dan would stay back for a few more days even after Philâs parents returned. It was exciting to have Dan finally meet his family after mentioning him so much. It went better than expected: Dan was a charmer, Philâs mum loved him right away and his dad was friendly as well, although he kept a close eye on them both for some reason. Maybe he could tell, Phil didnât know if he cared at this point; Dan was important in his life and it was time for some people to know.Â
What was there to know? Well, things between them had escalated a bit from how Phil usually did casual sex. There were random kisses in non sexual situations, hand holding, and - most importantly - Dan started to âclaim himâ publicly. It was not just about the tweets with pictures that were very clearly taken in his room in the middle of the night, or the sexual replies to his tweets. Charlie, for whatever reason, was still an annoyance in his life, trying to make it seem like there was something between him and Phil when he was still with Stephen. Maybe they were no longer together since Charlie had punched him - totally not cool - but the issue was that Charlie wanted to get in between he and Dan at all costs, and Dan had made it very clear that Phil was his, telling him to back off and he even replied under one of Philâs tweets âI think I have a crush on you.â
It was still very confusing for Phil. Dan didnât acknowledge any of these things in person even when they were sitting together at the time, but he was semi playing a boyfriend role in his life. For once, Phil tried not to let anxiety get the best of him and went along with whatever Dan wanted, except for filming, he had plans of his own in that regard.
It was a very ambitious project to say the least. âThe Interactive Christmas Adventureâ consisted of a main storyline with Dan and Philâs mum as characters in a âchoose your own adventureâ format and many easter egg type of videos that people could find by clicking in different annotations. He and Dan had an amazing time filming and editing most of it, but Phil was left alone to finish the mystery gifts his friends sent him when it finally came the time for Dan to leave.
Of course, once Dan was on his way back home and the video was posted, Phil proudly sat his family down to watch the final result only to have his dad get the mini video called âDan and Phil sex tapeâ on the first try. It was just them goofing around, but it was still a very awkward moment.Â
Thankfully, that didnât ruin his parentsâ impression of Dan. They really liked him and Phil couldnât be happier about that. The fact that his dad had only laughed about it had blown Dan away. Heâd told Phil that he wished he had a dad so cool.
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 3: Chandelier
March 2006
Motherâs Day found Phil back home, giggling as he got ready to record his first Video Vlog. This was just another outlet for his creativity, like any of his other film projects. It didnât need to be anything special, after all, it was not like millions of people would see it. Just a silly little video, thatâs all.
He looked around his room, hoping to find inspiration for his YouTube username and saw Richardâs Christmas gift. He opened the scrapbook and smiled just like the first time he saw all the photos, and when he made it to the end, he knew heâd found it. He needed something with an A to show up first in peopleâs inbox and Richard had called him amazing. Come to think of it, Dan had once called him Amazing as well, Amazing Phil. And so AmazingPhil was created. He had his fun filming and editing, and when the time came, he hit the upload button before he could overthink it.Â
After playing a few rounds of Mario Kart with Dan, Phil asked him what he thought about the vlog. Of course, Dan said it was funny and brilliant but he was Philâs friend, what else was he supposed to say? After some more prying, Dan swore on his life that he loved the video and encouraged him to post more, which Phil appreciated. In turn, Phil encouraged Dan to start his own YouTube channel, especially when he saw that he had gotten his first subscriber already! And 5 comments as well, even one all the way from Australia. It was honestly so fun and a great way to meet new people too.
Dan was hesitant at first, but he promised to think about it. Phil knew that deep down, Dan was still a theatre kid and YouTube could be a great outlet for him. Maybe one day they could post something together.Â
A video reply notification came up and his train of thought vanished now that a newer and shinier dopamine rush caught his eye.
---
June 2008
So many finals had nearly put Phil 6 feet under, it was all a blur of sleepless nights, studying, revising and going out drinking.Â
His friendship with Callan deteriorated greatly when he got a rude and noisy girlfriend who would stay over more often than not, disturbing their studying schedule and Philâs filming time. After one too many arguments, Sarah had seen the situation for what it was and followed Phil when he moved into a new flat with nine other people. It was not an ideal situation but it came as a blessing and helped deepen the bond between him and Sarah, especially after cutting contact with Peter when he took Callanâs side and barely speaking with Jimmy who had decided to stay despite being at odds with both Callan and Peter.
Moving during the last month of the term had been stressful to the point where Phil could barely go a day without crying, but he buried his head in his books with Sarah sitting right at his side and gave it his all.Â
He felt ready to give up on uni and only kept at it because it was his last term at York. Just a little more and he would be free, right?
Wrong.
Graduation didnât come as a relief to Phil as he had expected. Every stressful situation, dramatic argument with his roommates, disastrous hookup and his ever undefined situation with Mark piled a mountain of anxiety sitting heavy on his chest.Â
His mistake was thinking that going home for the summer as a free man was going to solve his every problem, but no. As it turns out, having an infinite amount of time to think about the state of his life, his absolute lack of direction, or love life was not a good thing.
The fact that he felt somehow disconnected from all his childhood friends had not helped matters either. Ianâs family had moved away, but at least he had reached out and invited him to Brighton. Anja had called but she was away on vacation with her family. Richard hadnât returned for the summer, heâd gone south to his girlfriendâs house and the others had barely shown interest in seeing him.Â
In a way, his home barely felt like a home anymore. His parents were preparing to move away to the Isle of Man, Martyn was touring Sweden with Cornelia and his friend group had basically vanished into thin air.
After only a week of feeling so anxious that he was unable to eat, or speak to anyone, Phil decided to run back to what he knew and enrolled in a masterâs degree. It was just one more year but at least it would probably help him get a job related to what he loved: making videos.Â
---
October 2008
Phil looked down at his phone and smiled as he sent a winky face to Stephen. He threw himself back on the bed, a wide smile gracing his lips. Every time he chatted with Stephen, Phil couldnât help the giddy feeling deep in his stomach. He was the first person who truly understood exactly how he felt about making YouTube videos because he had a channel of his own where he posted short films, focusing more on the directorial side of things than Phil did, but they still had their passion project in common.Â
Biting his lip and feeling the blush creeping into his cheeks, Phil invited Stephen to join him and his other YouTube friend, Charlie, in Manchester. He watched the screen intently until another notification popped up.Â
âDid you ask him yet?â Charlie asked over text.
âYes! X_x Iâm waiting for a reply. What if he says no?â
âO_oâ Nah, itâs obvious he likes you.â
Stephen finally replied. âSure! Thursday?â
âCharlie has work. Saturday?â Phil offered. It was silly, but Phil felt a bit insecure about meeting Stephen one on one because he was just so cool, so he wanted to bring Charlie to make it more of a friendly hang out than a date. Well, it had been Charlieâs idea after all, so why not?
âSick! Letâs film something together some other time,â Stephen said.
âKool,â Phil replied and switched over to the conversation with Charlie. âSaturday!â
âTold you he would say yes!â
âThanks for coming with us ^_^ u r the best!â Phil replied and threw his phone on the bed, getting up and starting to pick an outfit for the night. If he rushed maybe he could get ready-
He ran back to his bed as soon as he heard the Skype notification and did a quick fringe check while the call connected. He giggled when the first thing he saw was a very dishevelled Dan being vigorously kissed by an old, long haired mutt.Â
âAww, heâs so cute!â Phil said.
Dan laughed and tried to get his dog to settle down. âStop! Phil is going to think that you are weird!â
âI would never!â Phil said, bringing his hand to his chest in mock offence.
Sammy turned towards Danâs laptop and barked, letting his tongue hang out the side of his mouth.
âHellooooo Sammy!â Phil said.
Sammy cocked his head and sat on Danâs lap, making it so Dan had to lean to the side to be able to see the screen. âHey, how was the exam?â
âAwful, how else would an exam go?â Phil laughed. âHow was your Geo presentation?â
âI think I did pretty well. Nobody else picked Burkina Faso.â
âI can believe that,â Phil smirked. âSo how is your school year going so far?â
âI wish I was dead, but other than that, pretty well,â Dan smiled.
âI donât like it when you joke like that,â Phil frowned.
âWho said I was joking?â Dan let out a humourless laugh. âAnyways, my friend group has disintegrated. Lucy and Tom broke up and now hate each other, Emilio is not talking to me, or anyone for that matter, and Jack told me to fuck off today.â
âOh⌠what happened?â This was terrible news for Dan, no matter how much he tried to play it off as something he had expected.
âWell, you know how it is,â he said, absentmindedly petting Sammy as he settled down. âIâm painfully unpopular and they donât want to get beat up for speaking to me. The inbetweeners can never relax with that. Now that we are no longer a group we are easier targets and since Iâm usually the problem, everyone is avoiding me like the plague.â
Phil winced, trying to think of anything he could say to lift Danâs spirits, but what could he possibly say to make up for the fact that Dan had no friends other than him, again. âDan, are you sure there isnât anyone you can talk to about this?â
Dan let out an exasperated sigh. âNo, weâve gone over this so many times. Itâs fine, Phil; really. Itâs just one more year and Iâll never have to see any of them again.â
âBut-â Phil tried.
âI donât want to talk about it, ok?â Dan snapped, running his fingers through his hair.
âIâm sorry,â Phil mumbled. âI know; I shouldnât have pushed.â
Dan let out a small sigh. âNo, itâs fine. Iâm sorry. You are my only friend and the only one I can talk to. I shouldnât snap at you for trying to help, but just telling you these things helps enough. You know?â
âYeah, I understand.â
Dan slapped his hands on his thighs, startling Sammy and causing him to leave with a reproachful look on his face. âSorry, buddy,â He said over his shoulder before locking eyes with Phil again. âLetâs talk about something else. How are things? Are you dating anyone?â
âNah, not anymore. He-â Phil paused for a second realising he messed up but not wanting to make a big deal out of it. âHe cheated on me. Robert was his name. Fuck that guy.â
Dan flashed him a smile. âYeah, fuck that guy. Are you ok though?â
âYeah,â Phil sighed, feeling encouraged at seeing Dan smile again. âIâll admit I cried and all my new roommates helped me set everything he gave me on fire, even the plushie.â
âNoooo, poor plushie!â Dan laughed and let himself fall to the side dramatically.
Phil laughed, relaxing a bit more since Dan hadnât reacted badly. âSorry, he had to go. Oh, Also, last year I had a crush on a coworker and I thought he wanted to make out in the basement, but he just wanted me to help him steal chocolates for his girlfriend.â
Dan laughed even harder at that, letting himself fall sideways and kicking his feet in the air. âStop!â
After watching Dan laugh for way too long, Phil decided to deliver the final blow. âI ended up quitting that job because an old lady threw a chocolate orange at my head,â he said in a monotone voice, eagerly waiting for Danâs reaction.
âAAAaaaah, Iâm going to barf,â he said, clutching at his stomach with tears running down his cheeks. âI canât even.â
Phil smiled and enjoyed watching his friend laugh at his misery. âHey, Dan?â
Dan wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and cleared his throat. âYeah?â
Phil bit his lip for a moment and decided that it was ok to ask. It was Dan after all. âYou donât care that Iâm gay, right?â
âWell your MySpace says bisexual so I assumed you liked guys anyway.â Dan shrugged but offered a tiny smile. âSo are you gay gay then?â
âYeah, never liked a boob in my life,â Phil said.
Dan snorted. âBoobs are nice sometimes.â
âFor some people,â Phil conceded. âNot for me though.â
âYeah, I guess,â Dan nodded. âI donât mind. You are my best friend - and youâre fucking fit. If anything, itâs a plus.âÂ
Dan was so casual about it, adding a little wink in the end, but his blush let Phil know that he was a bit embarrassed to have said that. Dan was 17 anyway and in a vulnerable position, so Phil didnât entertain the comment other than to avoid his friend the embarrassment. âI would say Iâm severely unfit but thanks,â he laughed.Â
Someone knocked on Philâs door. âYeah?â He asked.
âHey, are you coming to the party? Markâs here,â Sarah said without opening the door.Â
âOh, yeah. You go, I just need to change and weâll catch up in a bit.â
Danâs face fell at that. âOh, you have to leave already?â
âNot right now,â Phil shook his head. âWe can still talk for a bit.â
âSo youâre still with Mark,â Dan said. It didnât sound like a question. âI remember you mentioning him a while back. He was at your birthday party.â
Phil frowned, he had never mentioned being with Mark for obvious reasons. He was also taken aback by Danâs icy tone. âIâm not with Mark. Heâs my friend.â
âRight,â Dan mumbled.
There was another knock on the door, but this time it opened slightly and Markâs head peaked in. âAre you decent?â
âHavenât been for a while,â Phil smiled. âIâm skyping with Dan.â
âOh,â Mark said and invited himself over. He sat on the bed at Philâs side and pulled his knees up to his chest. âHi, Dan! Cool hair! When are you joining us?â
âThanks,â Dan smiled, absentmindedly fixing his fringe.
Phil swatted Markâs arm. âLeave him be, heâs in school. He will have time to party when he goes to uni.â
âSo⌠next year?â Mark asked.
âIâm taking a gap year⌠but I could come to visit - if you want,â Dan said, looking a bit guarded but at least not snapping at Mark.
Phil raised his eyebrows. âReally?â
âYeah, if you wantâŚâ Dan mumbled.
Phil almost slapped himself for making Dan doubt he would be welcome. âOf course! Do you know where you want to go yet?â
Dan shrugged. âMaybe Manchester⌠or York.â
âYork is ace,â Phil said and both Mark and Dan laughed at him.
âWell, it was nice meeting you, Dan. If you ever want to visit, weâll take you out and about to some parties - unless you want to stay home, which would be fine. No pressure,â Mark said.
Phil smiled but looked into Markâs eyes giving him a silent warning. âWhy donât you go make us some drinks while I get changed and chat with Dan.â
âOk, donât take an hour or Iâll fall asleep on the couch.â
âOld man,â Phil laughed. âAlright,â he said and waited until Mark had walked out to continue, but before he could say anything Dan broke the silence.
âAre you sure youâre not dating?â He pressed, sounding small.Â
âYes, Dan,â Phil said, not understanding why Dan was so set on the topic and, quite honestly, starting to get a bit annoyed. âMark doesnât do dating. He likes to be free.â
Danâs eyebrows disappeared under his fringe. âAnd youâre ok with that?â
âYeah, of course,â Phil said with a shrug. âHe can do whatever he wants. What made you think that we were together like that?â
âThe way you speak about him and just now, he looked at you like⌠I donât know,â Dan said, frowning. âHe likes you.â
Phil shook his head. âMark likes everyone - and thatâs ok.â
âWould you date him if he wanted a relationship?â Dan insisted.Â
Phil paused, really considering it for a moment. âNo, I donât think I would. I know that he is happy fooling around and I wouldnât want to ruin his fun. Iâm sure Iâll meet someone who wants to actually be in a relationship and hopefully not cheat on me.â
âYou deserve that, to be happy,â Dan said.
âDan, you deserve that too. I know you donât think you do but I promise that itâs true. Ok?â
Dan ventured a small smile, even if a little unsure. âOk.â His cell phone pinged and he grabbed it, reading a text, his face falling again.
âEverything ok?â Phil asked.
âYeah, just my - my girlfriend. I better leave you to it and head out too.â
âSay hi to her from me,â Phil tried but the light in Danâs eyes was gone.
âYeah, I will. Iâll text you tomorrow.â
âDo that,â Phil said. âSee ya.â
âYeah, bye,â Dan said and disconnected the call immediately.
Phil was glad that they had been able to catch up after so long but he had the nagging feeling that something else was going on in Danâs life, something that he was not willing to talk about. Given that Dan didnât appreciate him asking too many questions, he decided to let his friend tell him on his own terms.
He put on a pair of probably clean black skinny jeans, a black MCR T-shirt and two belts before heading out in search of Mark. The flat was fairly quiet except for Sarahâs room and the singing coming from the kitchen. Phil smiled and wrapped his arms around Mark, hugging him from behind. âHey.â
âHey,â Mark looked over his shoulder only long enough to peck Philâs lips. âMalibu and coke?â
âSure,â Phil said, stepping back and grabbing the drink Mark was already handing him. âWhy did you invite Dan over?â
âI donât know. He seemed sad. What better for an 18 year old to have friends in uni that can take him to bars?â
âHeâs 17 and I donât think he is ready for bars around here.â
âOf course he is. You just need to keep an eye on him, remind him not to put his drink down and make sure he doesnât leave with anyone. Or do you think he would rebel against that and leave with someone?â
âNo, I donât think he would, but still. I think he is too young to hang out in the places we do. What if someone offers him drugs or - I donât know,â Phil said, feeling unsure. âMaybe if we keep an eye on him.â
Markâs smile dimmed when he realised that Phil was truly worried about Dan. âWe can just hang out at mine with people we trust, but he needs more friends.â
âYeah, he does,â Phil said and took a long sip of Malibu.Â
Mark nodded and pressed shuffle on his iPod. âMaybe you should introduce him to Charlie and Stephen.â
Phil nodded. âYeah, maybe next year.â Perhaps introducing Dan to his YouTube friends would be a good idea. Who knows, maybe by then he and Stephen would have moved beyond the occasional drunk kiss. He tried not to let his mind linger on those memories, he reserved those for his alone time.
---
Summer 2009
Being free from uni was the best. Phil could finally go out with his friends and fool around with some cute guys in York. Having graduated both from his BA and his masters, he didnât have much of an excuse to stay in the city for long and his parents asked him to come home since he didnât have a job that could fully support him as Martyn did.Â
That was not the only change in his life. Stephen and him were getting quite close and Phil finally admitted to himself that he was developing feelings for his friend, it was not just a crush.
He didnât want to get too attached yet so he still went out to bars and slept around as much as he could when he visited Mark in York but he still couldnât get Stephen out of his head. In a moment of weakness, he confessed his feelings for Stephen to Charlie who was incredibly supportive even if he did tease Phil about it and promised to speak to Stephen, maybe figure out if he felt the same way about Phil.Â
Mentally, he didnât feel as isolated as the previous year but he wasnât doing super well. Ian and Anja had visited but everyone else had basically moved on. Sometimes he just yearned for what no longer was a part of his life and he couldnât help but take the fact that everyone had just abandoned him personally. His mum had said that it was normal to lose touch with those who no longer share a space with us, that it was a part of life, but Phil simply didnât agree. He had never intended to basically lose all his childhood friends. Thankfully, there was one person who had stuck at his side through the years, and he didnât even live nearby. Phil felt like with Dan being an adult, maybe there wasnât a reason they couldnât meet anymore. Even their parents knew about their friendship.
On October 16 Dan finally found the confidence to post his very first video, which was amazing and got quite a bit of views, especially after Phil gave him a shout out. It made Phil smile that Dan said he was encouraged to post by âfriends,â it was his way of mentioning him without actually naming him. He was so freaking proud of Dan and he made sure to mention it in yet another of their 5 hour long Skype calls.
That day, they talked and laughed until their stomach hurt and tears were streaming down their cheeks. Phil invited Dan over, and even though they had both mentioned the possibility before, this time it actually felt real. After some research, they decided that October 19 would be the perfect date for a meet-up. Dan would be visiting Manchester to check out the uni he wanted to attend and they could go back to Philâs since his parents were in Florida for their annual retiree trip.
Phil lay down on his bed, listening to Danâs long rant about a movie heâd seen. The next time Phil opened his eyes, it was already the following morning. He smiled when he realised he had fallen asleep while on the call. His computer was dead but he shot Dan a good morning text and got up to clean his very messy room. He needed to make the entire house look decent for his guest. Sure, his mum had left it in pristine condition but heâd been a bit of a slob when left to his own devices.
He spent the next 2 days putting things in random places because he had overthought everything so much that he didnât even know what would look normal and what wouldnât anymore. In the end, he let out a long sigh and reminded himself that Dan had been his friend for years and he knew who Phil was already. The chances of him thinking Phil was too weird by the look of his house were very slim.Â
He looked at the time and ran out of the house, barely remembering to lock the door before rushing towards the bus stop. In the end, everything worked out and when Phil saw his tall and lanky friend towering over everyone else in Piccadilly, he knew that everything had been worth it.
Dan did a little trot towards him and surprised him by wrapping his arms around him, pulling him into a warm hug, tighter than any other hug Phil had ever received, and that made him smile and return the gesture.
âHey! How was the trip?â Phil asked, reluctantly breaking the hug.
âNice. There was a weird guy staring at me so I switched seats, but other than that it was good. Well worth the 19 pounds.â
âIâm glad!â Phil said. âWanna head to the Apple Store?â
âIsnât that where you took Charlie and Stephen?â Dan asked, referencing the pictures they had posted to Twitter.
âYeah,â Phil said, frowning. Was that bad for some reason?Â
âAre you flirting with me?â Dan asked with a wink. âIs that where you take all of your guys?â
Phil let out a shocked laugh, feeling the blush creeping up his cheeks and hoping that Dan wouldnât think he was a creep. âShut up. We can go to Starbucks instead if you want.â
âApple Store first, Starbucks later. I wouldnât want you to attack me because of your caffeine addiction.â
âHey! I have it under control!â
âOf course you do, Lester,â Dan smiled, rolling his eyes.
They ran a bit wild all over the city, taking pictures and laughing, getting looks from old people who scoffed at them. The last stop before the bus was the big wheel. Phil stepped into the carriage, guiding Dan in with a wide smile, he was just excited to be able to show Dan all his favourite places and to see things through the eyes of someone who was experiencing them for the first time.Â
It was a great day, an amazing day even, but it was also a bit confusing and shocking.Â
Phil had always taken Danâs flirting as a bluff, heâd figured Dan was all bark and no bite, but when Dan called his name and pressed their lips together softly, gently - even expertly - it caught Phil off guard. The kiss made his skin tingle from the tip of his toes to the last hair on his head in a way that he had never experienced before and he found himself responding, losing himself in the feeling, and then - it was over. Dan flashed him a smile without even saying a word and looked out the carriage.Â
Bracing himself on the rail, Phil let out a small breath and put his hand to his chest. What it meant - he didnât know; he would let Dan decide that.Â
If Dan didnât want to talk about it then that was that. Phil was willing to let it go.
---
Phil led Dan into his family home and showed him around, giggling at Danâs commentary about how haunted it looked even though his parents had been the ones to build it. There were no Victorian ghosts attached to the house because it was simply impossible. Dan still rejected this information which made Phil laugh. Then, an idea popped into his head. âWe should film a video together for my channel.â
Dan stopped mid hallway and turned around. âReally? You would put me on your channel?â
âOf course, why wouldnât I?â Phil frowned at the sudden way Danâs face had fallen, but in a flash, his expression morphed into a bright smile again.
âAlright then, lead the way.â
Phil grabbed Danâs hand and dragged him into his bedroom, suddenly feeling a bit shy about the bright green carpet and walls his 10 year old self had chosen. âThis is my bedroom,â he said, stupidly.
âThe famous AmazingPhil bedroom,â Dan said. âBet you brought many guys up here.â
âDan, I live with my parents,â he said, rolling his eyes.
âWell, I donât know, maybe you like to be heard.â Dan had the gall to wiggle his eyebrows at him.
âEw, no,â Phil said and placed his hands on Danâs shoulders, making him sit on the bed.Â
Phil brought his laptop and sat beside Dan, thinking for a moment. Maybe some audience participation could help. He decided to tweet, asking people to send some questions in, and as per usual, his viewers were being weird about it.Â
Dan took pen and paper and, instead of choosing the safest options, he wrote down the most unhinged topics and challenges in his indecipherable handwriting. They took turns reading the questions out loud and let their creative juices flow freely which worked a million times better than Phil wouldâve hoped. Filming together turned out to be super fun, so even though it took a long time, they continued until they ran out of material.Â
Phil was just saying a few closing words for the video when Dan said âThis was the most fun Iâve ever hadâ and tackled him, nearly pushing him into the wardrobe that stood behind them and effectively knocking the wind out of him, especially when Dan pinned him to the ground with a wide smirk.
Phil felt like he was falling, physically, but he was already on the ground so there was nowhere else to go. Dan hovered over him and for a moment it looked like he was slowly leaning down to kiss Phil again, but when Danâs phone vibrated in his pocket he sat up and rushed to check his notifications, his face falling as soon as he did.
âEverything ok?â Phil asked.
âYeah,â Dan mumbled, looking up from his phone. âIâm tired. Can we get to bed?â His voice sounded so flat, almost sad.Â
âSure, you can sleep here and Iâll take Martynâs -â
Dan shook his head. âCan you stay with me? I donât want to be alone tonightâŚâ He reached for his duffle bag and pulled a hoodie out, shivering a bit before slipping it on.
âIâŚâ Phil hesitated. What was Dan asking for exactly?
âI just need a hug. I donât want to have nightmares, thatâs all.â Dan pulled at his sleeves until they showed only the tip of his fingers.
Phil nodded and cleared his throat. âOf course!â
Ten minutes later they lay in bed, Phil flat on his back with Dan laying on his side, pressed tightly to his frame, his head resting on Philâs shoulder and one leg thrown over his as well. It didnât take long for Dan to drift off to sleep, but Phil lay there in the dark, reliving every moment of their day, their meeting, the Apple Store, Starbucks, The Wheel - the kiss. Then his mind went to Danâs giggles while they filmed the video, the tackle and almost second kiss - and whatever Dan saw on his phone that upset him.Â
Danâs phone vibrated on the bedside table and Phil couldnât resist the urge. He reached for it and just turned on the screen to see the notification. It was a text from âEm.â That was probably his cousin Emily, the one Dan didnât really like, the rude one with a moustache. They were probably arguing again. He set the phone down and finally let sleep claim him.
The following day, they woke up pretty late and they decided to stay in and do a movie marathon, which was super fun. At first, Dan didnât seem to be mentally present and, for a moment, Phil was scared that things would be weird between them because of the kiss, or maybe he had done something wrong, but Dan assured him that he was fine, just a bit distracted.
He briefly wondered if the call Dan had received the previous night had anything to do with his sudden mood change. Thankfully it didnât last long. After the first movie, they got a fuzzy blanket, ordered pizza and cuddled up on the sofa, and Phil was happy to feel Dan relaxing into his arms and chatting loads, as usual.Â
By the end of the day, they had caught up with all the movie releases they'd missed, finished the pizza and decided to settle down and edit what they had filmed. Phil had taken the time to show Dan some things heâd learned at uni, given him some âediting tipsâ as Dan had called them, as they laughed and played around with things.
Overall, it had been a fun weekend and Phil knew he would never forget it.Â
---
October 25th 2009
Phil was excited to finally post his first video with Dan, âPhil is not on fire,â a sort of remix of odd questions and jokes turned into something that he was very proud of. To their surprise, they received 100 views quite fast, a number they hadnât been able to achieve on their own at that moment so they didnât know what to think.
People interacted with Philâs channel a lot more than before but it could be a one time thing, some sort of glitch on the platform. For the time being, he celebrated the success with a six hour Skype call with Dan and some well deserved Mario Kart.
Dan visited again on the 30th for a late birthday celebration since Mark had promised to take him out to the pubs but hadnât been available before. Phil was a bit hesitant about how Dan and Mark would get along, because of the age difference and how much Dan questioned Phil about him. In a way, Phil assumed Dan felt a bit insecure being around older people, but luckily, they had gotten on immediately. By the end of the night, they were all moderately drunk and back at Markâs, playing a very controversial game of Monopoly and eating hotdogs until like 6 am.
Overall it was a good night, even if Phil couldnât really relax because he felt so protective of Dan at the pub, keeping an eye on any guy who approached him and even monitoring his interactions with Mark.
Phil knew that Mark flirted with everyone and was not interested in people of Danâs age but - he just didnât want anyone hurting his friend. Dan had had enough with his recent breakup and he didnât need any more drama.
Maybe Phil was just jealous of Dan. Honestly, it was hard for Phil to know where he stood with Mark sometimes. He wasnât in love with him but Mark still held a place in his heart, as more than a friend. It was complicated - too complicated. Every time Phil tried to untangle his feelings about their situation he got a headache and gave up.
That was partially why he had started to focus more on his feelings for Stephen. There seemed to be something there, a potential relationship, definitely more than what Mark was willing to give him. Phil smiled thinking that maybe he could ask Stephen to be his boyfriend at the gathering. A soft snore coming from Dan, who was sleeping next to him, pulled him from his thoughts and made him giggle. He pressed a kiss to Danâs forehead and shut his eyes.
He woke up well into the morning with a pounding headache, and his mood, as well as his plans, only continued to sour. It was the 31st and he and Dan were due to take the train back to London together to make it to the Halloween gathering with a few hours to spare, but things had gotten complicated early in the morning. Stephen and Charlie were supposed to join them around 10 am but they hadn't and when Mark had texted them, they had simply not replied.Â
Mark told them to just go without Stephen and Charlie and apologised for not coming along, but he had to work. He left Phil the spare set of keys and asked them to send pictures later.
Phil nodded and texted them again, trying to figure out what was going on but Charlie sent a vague text saying they couldnât make it, which was fine⌠until Phil opened Twitter and saw a picture of them making out Charlie had shared.
His stomach dropped and, for a moment, he thought he was going to cry over Stephen, over Charlieâs betrayal⌠but he couldnât. His feelings were contained deep inside him, behind some sort of invisible wall. At the same time, he felt as if there was this sort of darkness surrounding him, was it sadness? Or maybe he was going to faint again. That was getting frequent.
âPhil?â Dan said, sounding almost underwater. âPhil!â
Phil opened his eyes and realised he was on the floor. âDid I faint?â
âI think so. Are you alright? Do you want to go to A&E?â
âNo, itâs fine. It happens sometimes,â he said flatly.
âAre you sure?â Dan asked. âYou look way too pale.â
Phil let out a noncommittal hum and sat up against the couch. âYeah, donât worry about it.â
Dan frowned. âDonât do that, donât shut me out. Whatâs going on?â
âCharlie posted a picture kissing Stephen,â Phil said, looking up at Dan, trying not to cry. âI told Charlie that I like Stephen and he promised to help me with him, but now they are dating. Thatâs why they cancelled on us.â
âFuck,â said Dan. âCharlie is a piece of shit. I never liked him anyway, he sounds like a dick.â
Phil wanted to disagree but he knew Dan was right. He was almost sure that Charlie had done it on purpose to hurt him. He was always competing with Phil for one thing or another. Stephen was just todayâs prize to him.
âHey, do you still want to go out?â Dan asked. âWe can stay if you want.â
âNo, letâs just order pizza and stay in,â Phil admitted. âPlease,â he said, his voice shaking a bit as he tried to stay calm.
âYeah, sure,â Dan nodded. âDo you want me to call Mark?â
Phil shook his head. He didnât want to see or speak to anyone - just Dan. âDo you want to play Mario Kart?â
âAlways. You sit here, Iâll handle the pizza and set everything.â
Phil looked into Danâs worried eyes and finally attempted a small smile. âThank you, Dan. Youâre a good friend.â
Dan flashed him a smile and went about getting everything sorted. It was crazy that they had met on a random Yahoo chat room nearly 4 years ago and become internet friends and now real friends. Sometimes it was as if Dan was the only person who truly understood him.
Two hours later, feeling a lot better and no longer hangry, he decided that enough was enough. He wasnât going to let his shit friends ruin their night. It was up to him to keep his promise and introduce Dan to the other youtubers, actually nice ones.
âYou know what?â Phil said. âLetâs go to the gathering anyway, we donât need anyone else. Get the costumes from the closet, Iâll try to find the makeup, we can make it to the next train.â
âDeal!â Dan said.
In the end, Phil was glad to have changed his mind. They had a lot of fun dressed as a cat and a bear, meeting other youtubers, and taking silly pictures that Phil held very dear. That night, like many others, Dan had been the one to make everything right, to make him feel safe and included. In his eyes, there was nothing Dan couldnât make right.
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 2: Maneater
December 2005
The weeks leading up to Christmas were chaotic yet blissful. Phil managed to nearly avoid everyone in his life back home in favour of spending time with his new buddies, going from party to party, getting wasted and overall exploring his new freedom. His enjoyment came to a screeching halt the night he was packing his bags to go home listening to Muse on blast with Sarah. An MSN buzz nearly made his laptop speakers explode.Â
Anja popped in his messages.
GoThic chiK (Anja): Phil are yuo ok? Why arenât you answering your fucking phone mate?
Phil Strikr: Ya just packing ma bagg. Sup}?
GoThic chiK (Anja): Richard found your dating profile and sent it to everyone.
Phil felt all his blood rushing to his ears, he couldnât hear anything at all, he couldnât think, he couldnât breathe.Â
âPhil? Phil! Phil! What happened?â Sarah said, shaking him by his flannel.
He turned to look at her, his vision blurring as his eyes welled up in tears. He tried to speak but no words came out, so he pointed at the screen. Sarah grabbed his laptop and gasped, cursing under her breath, her fingers flying over the keyboard.
Phil threw himself back on the bed and hid under the covers as he let out a choked sob. Why would anyone do that, least of all his friend? He had been outed to his friend group, his secret was probably already spreading around the tiny town that had watched him grow. He wanted to know what they thought of him, his âfriends,â but he wasnât ready for them to hate him, to yell at him for lying and pretending to be someone he wasnât.
He didnât want to go home. Oh, God! What if his mother had heard? His father too!
His phone started ringing and he covered his ears, crying just a little louder now.
Sarah pried the covers off him slowly and moved one of his hands, placing the phone to his ear. âItâs Anja, talk to her.â
A little whine escaped his throat but he didnât speak.Â
Anja sounded like she was crying as well. âPhil, listen⌠Everything will be ok. I am here with you,â she sniffled. âWe will talk to them and fix this. Richard had no right to do that, but we will fix it.â
âHow?â he finally asked, his voice still shaking. Sarah was rubbing his back in circles, trying to comfort him.
âMake a group chat and add everyone in,â Anja said. âLetâs stop the gossip in its tracks.â
âIâm scared,â he admitted. Sarah frowned and laid at his side, pushing his hair out of his face with a worried expression.
âEverything will be alright, I promise,â said Anja.
At that moment Phil believed her. He took a deep breath and sat up. He got his laptop and made the group chat with Anja still on the phone for reassurance. âOk, I have to hang up so I can type with both hands.â
âAlright,â Anja said. âTake a deep breath, I am here with you, ok?â
âThank you⌠for everything,â Phil sniffled.
âAlways. Love you,â she said and hung up.
He looked up at Sarah, who was smiling at him encouragingly. âYou can do it,â she said. âIf they are rude, tell them to fuck off. You have friends here.â
Phil gave her a watery smile and looked at his screen but before Phil could even type his first message, the window buzzed, startling him, his fingers pausing over the keyboard as he read his friendsâ messages.
Big Dick (Richard): hey what the fuck is up with that dating profile shit? Xd shitâs embarrassing.
Icy Ian: I would like to know to o but i donât think its embarrassing.
Phil Strikr: jesus shut the fukc up! He sent a buzz for good measure.Â
Phil Strikr: i will say this once: i am gay and i am not ashamed of who i am. If you want to judge me or laugh at me for it you can fuck off already. This isnât a scandalous fucking litlte secret or smt to gossip aboit and iâm disappointed and hurt that you thought about it like that and laughed at me behind my back. If you canât accept me as i am you can all fuck off from my life. Say one more shit about me like that and youre done.
Big Dick (Richard): wait phil
Big Dick (Richard): shit man⌠i didnt mean it like that. U know were friends and stuff. Always have been. Was just teasing man
Keith U.u: you know i am here for you man. You are one of my best mates and no amount of dick will change that.
Phil Strikr: thatâs not funny.Â
Keith U.u: sorry just wanted to make the situation lighter.
Phil Strikr: who outed me?
The chat went completely still for a full minute or so.
Phil Strikr: i wanna kno who spread this instead of talkin to me.
Still nothing.
GoThic chiK (Anja): It was Richard and Noah.
Noahâs evil arch: sorry man, please dont cut me out.
Phil Strikr: havenât you noticed that i missed out on a lot of things you did? I just wanted to meet someone and have the same experiences you had, go on dates, have a boyfriend, i donât want to be fucking lonely anymor.
Noahâs evil arch: i never knew you felt like that. Srry! That sucls. I hope yu find a nice boyfriend soon.
Big Dick (Richard): ye, if you do you have to bring him over so that we know heâs not an ass.
Keith U.u: nobody can be more of an ass than you Richard.
Big Dick (Richard): shut up. Phil I want you to know that iâm sorry. i support you and i would never want to stop being friends with you over something so stupid. I should have thought about how this would affect you instead of running my mouth but i guess we all know iâm not that bright. Feel pretty pathetic rn.
Phil let out a sigh of relief and smiled a little, feeling relief at finally being taken seriously, but it was not over yet.Â
Phil Strikr: you are and itâs not stupid to me.
Big Dick (Richard): you know i donât say this too often but i love you man. I will never do something like that again. I will be your friend for as long as you want me to and you can count on me. Iâm serious,.
Phil Strikr: I appreciate the apology.
GoThic chiK (Anja): while were at it iâm a lesbian.
Phil Strikr: what? Is that why you always felt different to other girls?Â
Philâs fingers froze, unable to type. Everything made so much sense now. He had been so blind.
Icy Ian: knew it!Â
GoThic chiK (Anja): probably because i knew you didnât want in my pants and i didnât want in yours xd. Shut up ian you didnât know shit.
Big Dick (Richard): it makes sense that you wouldnât date me then.
GoThic chiK (Anja): name one woman who would date you richard.
Icy Ian: I didnât know about Phl but I knew you were too cool for boys.
GoThic chiK (Anja): thatâs one way to put it.
Icy Ian: hey An you got a gf atm? Bring her around.
GoThic chiK (Anja): you donât need to concern yourself with that knowledge IAn.
Icy Ian: Bring her around next time.
Phil Strikr: ye An! You have to bring her sometime.
GoThic chiK (Anja): itâs complicated, sheâs from MAnchester.
Phil Strikr: You guys can crash at mineâs. My mum wonât suspect a thing.
GoThic chiK (Anja): really? Ok maybe i will invite her then.
Phil Strikr: you can always count on me.
Noahâs evil arch: Phil you can crash with me if you have your bf over. Do your parents know?
Phil Strikr: not yet.
Keith U.u: you donât have to tell them yet if you donât want.
Phil Strikr: thanks guys.
Big Dick (Richard): letâs get together this weekend ye? Letâs do something special.
Keith U.u: alright but if you cook for us again iâm out.
Icy Ian: agreed.
Big Dick (Richard): hate yu guys.
Big Dick (Richard): fine we can order pizza.
The conversation fizzled out after a few hours but Phil lay on his bed smiling about it, with Sarah at his side, going over everything that had happened. It hadnât gone like he would have wanted to, but his friends knew and had accepted him - and Anja was just like him. He giggled and threw an arm over his eyes. He had been so blind at all the clues Anja had tried to give him. She had always known he was a safe space for her and tried to let him know she knew without forcing him to come out, but Phil had been too deaf, blind and overall stupid to notice.Â
Thankfully, Sarah had stuck at his side through the entire ordeal and even slept over that night.
---
The train ride home was nerve wracking. Phil knew his friends wouldnât tell anyone else after their last conversation, but the thought of seeing them in person was driving him a bit barmy.Â
For a moment, he was scared that his family would somehow figure it out as well, but everything felt the same back home. Actually, his fear settled into disbelief when Martyn asked him if he had a new girlfriend or something. They were actually clueless, werenât they? Not everything was as uncomfortable as that conversation though. Cornelia, Martynâs new girl, was there to be the centre of attention and save Phil from his misery. She was really nice too, so he quickly learned to like her.
December 24th 2005
The first reunion with his friends was not nearly as awkward as he had thought. They were thankfully all back, but they had not invited some acquaintances outside the group. Anja and her girlfriend were the only girls and Phil was thankful that the guys had way more questions to ask them rather than focusing on him.
Richard even took a moment to apologise to Phil out in the balcony and pulled him into a hug, bowing to never out anyone again or gossip about peopleâs sexuality. He also took it upon himself to make sure that Phil felt comfortable at his house, bringing him drinks, offering water to him and even chastising Noah but asking Phil if he had ever liked any of them.Â
Phil didnât take that personally, it was a stupid joke and he didnât even have to answer because the disgusted face he apparently made was so funny that the entire group burst into laughter. Still, Richard had punched Noah in the stomach that was only half play fight and that had cut any sort of weird joke in its tracks for the rest of the night.Â
Just after midnight, the gang decided to have a small toast to celebrate that it was already Christmas. Shortly after, Phil made eye contact with Anja and she nodded back, putting her arm around her girlfriend and whispering something in her ear. It took a few minutes to say their tipsy goodbyes, promising to stay in touch as long as they were back home and to program another get together, but soon they were on their way to Philâs.
The good thing about being mildly drunk is that walking in the middle of the night in the dead of winter never seems to be that big of a deal because, by the time you make it to your destination, youâve already forgotten the trip.
Once back home, Phil led the girls to his bedroom and grabbed a comforter to set camp out in the lounge. Just as he said good night to them and turned off the light, he caught a glimpse of them sharing a soft kiss in the moonlight and smiled. He was happy for them and he couldnât wait to experience his real relationship too, with cuddles and soft kisses in the dark.
He made his way to the lounge and plugged his phone to charge overnight, laying close enough to the side table so that he could go through his texts. He opened the conversation with Dan first. âHey, sorry, I was out with friends but Iâm back home now.â
âItâs fine. Had fun? Any hot chicks?â
âLol. Yeah, plenty. I have two in my bed right now. ;)â
âNo way. youâre lying. how did you get 2?â
âThey are my friends. What did you think? xD Iâm sleeping in the lounge.â
âLame.â
Phil giggled. âWhat were you up to today?â
âJust out with someone.â
âMysterious⌠anyone special?â
Dan started typing a reply, stopped and continued several times until he finally hit send. âmmmaybe x.Xâ
âDo you have a girlfriend?â
âSomething like that.â
Phil smiled. It seemed like Dan had found someone to keep him company, his first girlfriend. Maybe that would help with his self-esteem. âAww, thatâs cute. Hope you have fun with her, just donât do anything I wouldnât do and if things go too far use protection.â
âOmg, shut up. Donât say that. xDâ
âHey, Dan. Itâs Christmas already. Hope you have a nice holiday.â
âYou too, I donât think I will with my dad around but thanks anyway.â
âMaybe you could do something with your gf as well.â
âYeah, maybe. Goodnight Phil.â
âGood night, Dan.â
Phil set his phone on the table and covered himself up completely to keep any sort of light from disturbing his sleep. Hopefully he could make it to breakfast in one go.
--
December 25th 2005
His mother woke him up with a frown, letting him know that he should get Anja and Tara up for breakfast and make sure that they make it home safely as well. The message was clear: feed them and take them home, no loitering, no messing with her christmas prep.
Phil sat quietly sipping his coffee while the girls chatted with his mum about what she would be cooking. He tried his best not to spit out his coffee at the thought of eating anything cooked by his mum. As a child he had no choice, but luckily he now had the option of sticking to whatever his grandma and auntie brought around.
Tara gave him a questioning look. âWhatâs your favourite Christmas meal?â
âYorkshire puddings. My auntie makes really good ones,â he answered quickly before shoving 3 cookies into his mouth and staring intently into his mug to avoid his mumâs gaze.Â
Anja snickered, knowing well that his mum was a disaster in the kitchen. âWe better get going. Thank you for having us, Kath.â
âOh, itâs always a pleasure, honey,â his mum said, pulling Anja into a hug. âYou can stop by at any time. And you too, Tara.â
âThank you, Mrs. L,â said Tara.
Phil helped the girls check they werenât leaving anything behind in his room before they put on their coats and made their way out the door and into the biting cold. As they walked, he saw Tara kept throwing glances at Anja and blushing, her hand rubbing against her girlfriendâs shily. âYou can hold hands if you want,â he said.
âI - What if anyone sees us?â Tara asked, looking a bit scared at the thought.
He laced his fingers with Anjaâs and raised his eyebrows at them. âNow you. We can all hold hands. What will people assume then?â
Anja giggled. âMaybe they will assume we are all together.â
âThatâs fine by me,â Phil said.
âAlright,â Tara said, beaming and joined in the three way hand holding, swinging their hands the way little kids do when walking along with their friends. He was a little proud to be able to put a smile on Tara and Anjaâs face just by being supportive. He gave them both a hug and left them at the bus stop.
It wasnât until Phil got back home that he saw a present under the tree that hadnât been there the night before. It had his name on it. He sat down on the sofa and opened it carefully. Inside the package was a little note in Anjaâs handwriting saying that this was Richardâs idea. Phil smiled and opened the scrapbook. Each page had a picture of their friend group and a little story, starting from 1998, when they were 11. There were screen grabs from some of their home movies, a Polaroid of their only camping attempt in Philâs backyard which ended when they were caught in the storm, and so many days just hanging out and playing video games.Â
There were messages from everyone scattered all across the pages as well and a single closing note from Richard with everyoneâs signature under it. âThank you for being an amazing friend. Donât forget youâre stuck with us forever.â
Phil smiled and held the scrapbook to his chest. Despite what had happened, he felt happy to still call them his friends.
---
The holidays were mostly uneventful except for the fact that it was the first time Phil was treated a bit more like an adult. Now that he had officially moved away, his parents were a little more lenient, so Phil had spent most of his time hanging out with his friends and getting smashed. After the New Yearâs toast, in which he was the only one without someone to kiss, his parents had excused themselves and left him with Martyn and Cornelia. The three had played just another game of Scrabble before the love birds decided to abandon him as well.
Phil briefly considered going to bed as well, but he felt a bit on edge, too restless to sleep.
He made himself one more drink and went up to his room, taking a seat by his bedroom window and looking out into the night. He took a sip of his gin and tonic and sighed, wondering what the future had in store for him. His phone vibrated and he smiled when he saw it was Dan wishing him a happy new year. He was about to reply but decided that it was a great time for a call. It only rang twice before his friend picked up.
âHey, what are you doing still up?â Phil asked.
âJust came home, I brought Malibu and a blanket and sat on the roof to watch the stars. Are you drunk?â
âNop,â Phil said, making the âpâ pop. âOk, maybe a little.â
Dan giggled. âThatâs what I thought. How was your night?â
âLonely. Didnât have anyone to kiss around here. How about you? Did you kiss anyone at midnight?â Phil took another sip from his drink.
âThat sucks.â Dan said. â...Yeah,â he added, breathlessly.Â
âOoh, who was it? How was it?â Phil asked, drinking some more. Then he remembered their last conversation. âWas it your girlfriend?â
âYeahâŚâ Dan mumbled.
âAw, thatâs cute, congrats! I havenât met anyone in York yet.â Phil downed the rest of his drink and set the glass on the window seal. âI feel old and like Iâm the spinster of this family.âÂ
Dan laughed. âYouâre not old, youâll find someone.â
âDo you really think that?â Phil asked as he walked over to his bed and let himself fall onto it face first. He didnât even know why he cared so much, but he did.
âYeah, I really do. Youâre great.â
He smiled, turning his face to the side, feeling the alcohol buzz inside his skull. âIâve been told Iâm amazing, actually.â
âYeah, you are,â Dan snorted. âAmazing Phil. Youâll find someone soon, just put yourself out there.â
Phil nodded. âAlright, Iâll do that. Thanks.â
âNo problem. Happy New Year.â
âMmmâŚHappy New Year, Dan,â Phil whispered and let his eyes fall shut with Dan still on the other side of the call.Â
---
January 2006
Seeing Anja and Tara so happy together had really cemented Philâs resolution in finding a boyfriend as soon as possible. The first opportunity presented itself on the last weekend of January, just a day shy of his 19th birthday, when he saw a familiar face in the crowd at the pub.Â
Phil downed his daiquiri, adjusted his fringe and made his way towards the blonde guy he had made out with that one time. He briefly wondered if the guy would remember him or not but his doubts disappeared when he looked into Philâs eyes and smirked.
âWell, well, well. Fancy seeing you hereâŚâ he hesitated.
âPhil,â he said in a slightly high pitched voice. Phil cleared his throat and tried again. âPhil,â he repeated.
âMark,â he said, pulling Phil closer by the belt loop in his jeans. âIâm sorry that I never texted. You seemed much less inclined to⌠be up for a date.â
Phil smiled and placed his arms on Markâs shoulders. âYeah, I was a bit shy back then.â
âAnd youâre not anymore?âÂ
âA bit, but I came out to my roommates and I donât feel as terrified to be seen around.â
Markâs smirk widened. âIâm glad to hear that,â he said, already leaning in for a kiss.Â
Phil smiled and angled his face just so, feeling a rush of excitement as their lips touched for the first time. It was the taste of the sugary drink in Markâs lips, the heat coming from the people dancing around them and the way his entire body tingled when he found himself pressed into a wall. He let out a surprised whine when he felt Markâs hard cock pressing against his hip and heard him ask if they could go into a stall.Â
Phil wanted to, he really did, but he didnât want his first real experience to be like that. âCan we go somewhere else instead?â he panted.
Mark looked into his eyes and nodded. âYeah, do you want to come back to my flat?â He smiled and pecked Philâs lips.
A million thoughts crossed Philâs mind. Was he willing to let his friends know what he was up to or would it be worse to do the walk of shame in the morning? âDo you have roommates?â
âJust one, but he went home for the weekend. It would just be us.â
âPerfect,â Phil said. âLead the way then.â
âAlright,â said Mark, giving him just one more kiss before leading him by the hand.
He spotted Sarah dancing with her friends close to the door and waved at her. She raised one eyebrow at him and shook his hand, winking at him but not uttering a single word. Phil smiled at her, and slid the small square packet she had sneakily handed him into his pocket.
The cold January air hit Phil like a brick wall as soon as they left the pub, but they were thankfully able to catch a taxi fairly quickly. The ride itself was a bit of a flash in his mind, partially because of how tipsy he was and also the fact that Mark was pressing the heel of his hand on his crotch through his jeans, slowly edging him towards madness.
By the time they got to their destination Phil was trying his best not to pant or whine but he was barely holding it in. Having to actually open the door and walk up the stairs was a sobering moment though - nerve wracking even, most of his boldness gone despite still feeling aroused.
Mark saw his hesitation and offered his hand to him. âCome in, we donât have to do anything you donât want to.â
Phil smiled and nodded. That was all the reassurance he needed. He let Mark guide him to the bedroom, where he turned on the light and gently pressed him against the door.
âMay I kiss you again?â Mark asked, his voice low, his lips nearly on Philâs already.
Phil nodded and smiled, happily surprised at the change of pace. The soft kiss Mark placed on his lips liquified his insides even more than the heavy make out from the bar. This time, he let out a loud moan without even meaning to, blushing at how desperate he sounded. He let Mark guide him, resting his arms on the blondeâs shoulders and playing with his surprisingly soft hair.
When Mark finally broke the kiss, Phil chased his lips, causing him to laugh and give him a quick peck. âThis is your first time, right?â
âI -â Philâs eyes widened.Â
âItâs alright,â Mark whispered. âI just want to know, to be extra careful and to make it special for you.â
Phil blinked repeatedly. âT-thank you.â
He shook his head, with a small smile. âSo what do you want to do?â
âI- I donât know,â Phil mumbled.
âYou can tell me,â Mark reassured him.
âNo, I know,â Phil admitted, a little frustrated with himself. âI just - I donât know.â
âDo you want me to suggest something then?â
âPlease,â Phil said.Â
âMay I?â Mark asked, running his fingers over Philâs zipper.
Phil paused for a second but realised that he actually trusted Mark and liked how things were going so far, so he pecked Markâs lips and breathed out a quiet âYeah.â
Before Phil could even comprehend what was happening, Mark was on his knees, unzipping his jeans and wrapping one hand around his cock, his hot breath ghosting over it. âFuck, I knew you would be massive,â Mark said. âI need to blow you, is that ok?â
Phil nodded so fast he got a little dizzy.Â
âWait, letâs get to bed first,â Mark said, standing up already.
Phil shuffled awkwardly with his jeans down to his knees and lay down on the bed, watching as Mark removed his jeans and underwear before realising he should be doing the same and following suit.
âYouâre gorgeous,â Mark mumbled as he crawled onto the bed and hovered over him, kissing him a bit deeper this time, using just a hint of tongue, making Phil feel like every single muscle in his body was on fire. Before long, Phil was panting and getting a bit too close to the edge which Mark must have noticed. âShhhh, only a little longer,â he whispered, biting his neck gently and moving down his body, dropping kisses along the way. It made Phil a bit proud to see the hunger in Markâs eyes when he looked at his cock, but his thoughts couldnât linger for long once Mark pressed his tongue flat against his shaft and dragged it from root to tip slowly yet firmly. When he finally wrapped one hand around it and tongued his cockhead, all Phil could do was bury his fingers in the blondeâs hair and let out a hiss.Â
It was glorious. It was the best thing that had ever happened to anyone in the history of the world, Phil was sure of it. All his life had been leading to that moment, to Mark wrapping his lips around him and bobbing his head, sucking him off like there was no tomorrow. He could only imagine how pathetic he sounded but he couldnât be too sure, his ears had stopped working at some point, his eyes though, they had caught the exact moment Mark had swallowed his cum.
Fuck, Phil wanted to do it again and again. Even though he had never done that before, he knew then that he had found his calling. He had been born for sex.
Mark fell at his side, fisting his cock furiously for a second before Phil turned to him, pulling him into a kiss and swatting his hand away to replace it with his own. It was exhilarating to hear Mark panting and almost whining into the kiss with every stroke until he came all over their stomachs, his body shaking with the force or his orgasm.Â
They cuddled for a bit in silence, sharing soft kisses and smiling like crazy. Phil hadnât known what to expect but the night had already exceeded his expectations. Then, Mark noticed that Phil was getting hard again.
âHey, Phil. How much did you want to do tonight?â
âI donât know. Why? What do you want?â
âYou can say no, of course, butâŚâ
Philâs stomach was twisting into knots with anticipation. âWhat?â
âI want to ride you.â
Philâs mouth fell open.
âDonât be so shocked!â Mark giggled.
âI thought you were a top,â Phil said before slapping his hand on his lips. âI mean-â
âItâs fine. I am vers. I mostly top but I just need you inside me, you look so good!â Mark said. âIf you want to, of course!â he rushed to add.
âI want to,â Phil said and kissed him, letting his hands wander all over Mark until he got too close to his ass.
âUh- uh. You stay right here, Iâll be back in a few,â Mark said.
Phil nodded and let him go, following his retreating form with his eyes. Mark had a nice ass, actually.Â
By the time he made it back, Phil was mostly soft and almost falling asleep but Mark straddled him without hesitation.Â
Phil blinked, smiling as he rubbed the sleepiness from his eyes. âHey,â he whispered.
Mark leaned down and kissed him, licking and biting at his lips. âMissed me?â he asked, grinding on him just right, making his blood start to rush south once again.
âI was falling asleep, actually,â Phil admitted with a wink.
âTsk tsk, we canât have that,â Mark said and opened his bedside drawer to pull a lube bottle.
âI have a condom. Itâs in my jeans.â
âSmart boy. Donât worry, I have some too. You keep that one for next time.â
Phil smiled. His mind hadnât thought that far ahead, but he liked the sound of that. âOk!â
âNow, pay attention,â Mark said. âYou put lube on your dick, just a bit, and you press the tip of the condom like so, thatâs very important! and roll it down. If it rolls back up, you put it the wrong way around. And try not to do that, it hurts.â Mark rolled the condom carefully onto Philâs cock. âNow you put more lube on the outside and thatâs it.â
âWhy do you have to press on the tip?â
âSo it doesnât have air inside and the cum has a place to go to. It could break otherwise.â
âDonât you need lube as well?â
âOf course, but I took care of that already.â
âIn the bathroom?â Phil asked.
Mark nodded.
âAw, but I wanted to do it.â
Mark raised an eyebrow at him. âYou wanted to finger me?â
âYeah,â Phil said, feeling the blush creeping into his cheeks but still smiling.
âAlright, suit yourself for a bit.â Mark lay shifted until he was only partially on top of Phil, throwing one leg over his hip and kissed him as he guided Philâs hand to his back.
Phil took the initiative this time, pressing their lips together, trying to lead just like Mark had done before, using his tongue gently at first, angling his face to deepen the kiss as his fingers slowly caressed Markâs hole, feeling the lube seep out of him already, feeling him shiver as he pressed in very lightly.
He remembered how much lube Mark had used on him and swatted around the bed for a bit until he found the bottle, popping the cap open and adding some to his fingers just in case. Mark hissed when Phil finally pressed a single finger inside, which worried him, making him freeze.
âDid I-?â
Mark shook his head. âCold. You are supposed to rub it between your fingers to warm it up first. Itâs ok.â
âSorry,â Phil said.
Mark buried his fingers into Philâs hair and pulled him into a heated kiss, starting to move his hips, rubbing his cock against Philâs hip bone.
Encouraged by this, Phil moved his finger inside and out and found no resistance so he added another and another soon after. The room was smouldering, Phil couldnât hear anything other than their laboured breaths as they moved together, aided by the thin layer of sweat covering them.
Then, everything came to a stop. âWait,â said Mark, trying to catch his breath. Phil stilled immediately. âI donât want to come like this, remember?â
âOk,â Phil said and pulled his fingers out ever so gently.Â
Mark smiled at him and straddled him. He took a few deep breaths before grabbing Philâs cock and sliding down on it, the smile on his lips widening as he went down, a small sigh escaping his lips when he bottomed out.Â
Would it be too early to say that Phil was in love?
Every muscle in his body was tensing in an effort to avoid coming on the spot. The pause Mark took was a godsend to help him relax a bit until they were ready to begin.Â
Mark pressed his hands on Philâs chest a bit, his brow burrowed into a frown as he pulled himself up and down, gently rolling his hips and doing it all over again a few times until he found it. He moaned and spread his knees further apart, lifting his hips and dropping onto Philâs cock as hard as he could trying to find the same angle. All Phil could do was hold onto Markâs waist and help him sink even deeper, faster, harder, as moans fell from their lips.
Maybe they werenât even moaning anymore, maybe they were screaming, he honestly couldnât tell, but when Mark begged him to help him come, Phil didnât hesitate. He held Mark firmly in place as he fisted his cock in a blur, making him twitch and come all over him. The pressure around him and the sight before his eyes were all Phil needed to join him two thrusts later.
Mark smiled at him and pressed a kiss to his lips. âStay,â he whispered before rolling to the side, laying his head on Philâs chest and promptly falling asleep before Phil could even answer.Â
âOk,â Phil mumbled with a smile.
---
Phil woke up to the smell of toast and coffee, slowly opening his eyes and frowning at the amount of light coming through his window until⌠until he realised that it was not his window, nor his bedroom. He sat up so fast his blood pressure dropped immediately. Where was he? WhatâŚ? He pressed his hand to his forehead and tried to think about the previous night. He had gone to the pub with his friends and then⌠Mark. Phil looked down, lifting the sheet he didnât remember pulling over himself and saw that he was still naked. Right.
He took a moment to assess how he felt about everything that had transpired between them and found that he had no regrets. Theyâd had their fun and he remembered Mark even hinting at a future date. He liked the sound of that.Â
âAw, youâre awake! I wanted to surprise you with breakfast!â Mark said from the bedroom door. He was wearing a white apron with pink love hearts⌠in fact it looked like he was only wearing the apron.
âWould it make you happy if I said that Iâm still surprised?â
âYes, immensely,â Mark smiled.
Phil couldnât help but smile back. âWell, I am.â
âScooch over so that we can have breakfast in bed - and drink the water I left for you,â Mark said, pointing at the glass on the nightstand. âHow is your stomach feeling?â
âHmm,â Phil made space for Mark, sitting back against the headboard and considered it his reply as he drank water slowly. âItâs fine, I think.â
âAlright, you should eat slowly. Start with the toast just in case,â Mark said as he climbed into bed, and sat sideways, resting his back against the wall.
Phil set the glass back on the nightstand, coming to sit at Markâs side and resting his back against the wall as well, and grabbed a piece of toast. It was perfect, just the perfect golden colour and texture. Maybe it was his empty stomach talking, but he thought it was the best toast heâd ever had. âHmm, thank you. This is amazing.â
âItâs just toast,â Mark smirked.
âStill, you didnât have to do this,â Phil said, nudging Markâs side.
âI wanted to,â Mark said, biting into his own toast.
Phil cocked his head and smiled. Mark was just so⌠beautiful - and sexy. Maybe he shouldnât be asking yet, but they had crossed some boundaries, it was only fair to clear the air. âDid you really mean it when you said there would be a next time?â
âI did - but I want to be very honest with you.â
Philâs face fell. âOh-â
âNo, donât look so crushed yet. Hear me out, please,â Mark said. âI just came out of a long relationship and it was pretty bad, I donât think I want anything serious at the moment. Iâm not sure I will want it in the future either, but I like you and I would love to see you again, no strings attached.â
âSo⌠just for sex,â Phil mumbled. Part of him wanted to say yes but he also wanted a boyfriend.
âNo, not just sex. You know, like last night, we had sex, yes, but you stayed, we had fun and I made you breakfast. I would also like to hang out if you wanted to. Like friends with benefits.â
âDonât say that if you donât mean it,â Phil pleaded.
âI do. I can take you on dates, we can chat, we can have our fun, just - no labels. And you could see other people, of course. Just be careful with STDs.â
âI donât know,â Phil said, leaving his toast on the plate. âI donât know if I can keep my feelings in check.â
âYou can think about it and text me if youâre interested.â Mark grabbed his phone from under the pillow and typed something before putting it back. âAnd it wouldnât be a no feelings situation, just no falling in love.â
Phil took a deep breath and let it out slowly. âAlright. I should get going,â he said, getting up and picking his clothes from the floor.
âYou donât have to leave yet,â Mark said, sounding small. âIâm sorry I ruined the mood.â
Phil pulled his jeans on and turned to him shaking his head. âItâs not you. You did nothing wrong, I just - wanted a boyfriend, someone who cares about me.â
âI see,â Mark said, pulling his knees to his chest. âI hope that you find what youâre looking for. You seem like a nice guy.â
âThanks. You too, Mark,â Phil said, attempting a smile.Â
âMaybe Iâll see you around?â He sounded hopeful.
âYeah, maybe,â Phil said, pulling on his T-shirt and walking out of the room and the flat as fast as he could without running. When he tried to open the building door, he found that it was locked and cursed himself until he heard it buzz. Mark must have realised that he needed to be let out.Â
Philâs head was pounding and he didnât know if it was due to the alcohol or what Mark said. He made it two blocks before realising he didnât exactly know where he was or where he was going. He pulled his phone out to text Sarah but found that he had messages already.Â
âHey, itâs mark, save my number :)â He must have sent that while they were talking.
âSorry, I didnât mean to upset you.âÂ
âYour nearest tube stop is 3 blocks to the left.âÂ
âPlease let me know when you made it home safe even if you donât want to talk anymore.â
Right, Phil smiled, he just needed to keep going. It was sweet of Mark to care about him even after he left like that. By the time Phil made it back to the dorm and got into bed he was already doubting himself. Would it be so bad to have someone he trusted to have sex and hang out? Mark seemed like a good person. He hadnât tried to string him along with lies and he had been caring too.
âHey, made it home safe. Thanksâ
âGlad to hear that. Donât forget to eat something.â
âK dad. Hey Mark?â
âYeah son?â
âI think I would like to be friends with benefits.â
âI would like that, but I donât want to pressure you into anything. Why donât we hang out next week and see how it goes? If it happens it happens and if not we can just be friends.â
âSounds like a plan. We could celebrate my birthday.â
âWhen is it?â
âToday!â
âWhat? We HAVE to do something. I guess you want to spend the day with your friends but this week for sure.â
Phil thought about it for a minute and decided that it was worth a shot. âActually thereâs a small party at my dorm tonight if you want to come,â he lied. Well, the guys never needed an excuse to drink.
âSure, text me the address.â
---
Phil spent most of the day replying to texts, tweets and MySpace messages from his friends and random internet people. He even got a call from Dan that lasted like three hours. Phil was tempted to tell Dan about Mark but what would he say? He was not about to let his younger friend know that he had had sex or that he was gay for that matter. He didnât want to hide either, but some things were better left unsaid for the time being.Â
When Dan asked if he could follow his other socials, Phil decided that it was a good enough way to let the information slip. It said bisexual right on his MySpace profile and even though it wasnât the entire truth, it was enough. If Dan wanted to freak out about it, he could.
Their conversation was cut short when the doorbell rang and Phil had to go help with the shop. The guys had gone above and beyond. Well, above and beyond what they usually did, which was buying cheap alcohol and some crisps. This time they had gone for mid range bottles and also a rainbow unicorn cake.
Looking at the time with increasing nerves, he helped Sarah put everything away and took a brisk shower. There was no way he was going to let Mark see him with bad hair and he was also still kind of sweaty from the previous night, which was not ideal. He needed to at least look presentable.
Just as he was getting to the finishing touches of the look Anja had suggested over MSN, the doorbell rang again and Sarah squealed, running to the door to let Mark in while Phil put some eyeliner real quick and smudged it with his finger. For once, he liked what he saw in the mirror, his black skinny jeans and bright purple T-shirt really complimented his black hair. He sprayed some deodorant and perfume and walked out to the common area to greet his guest.
Mark turned around and flashed him a wide open smile, Phil could have almost sworn that his blue eyes were shining. âHey, birthday boy,â Mark said.
âHey, thanks for coming.â Phil smiled back.
âPeter, come help take everything to the coffee table,â Sarah said, adding a murmured a âand stop staring at them,â that made Phil snort.
âWhat? What am I taking?â Peter asked.
âGrab the snacks, I canât trust you with the bottles. When youâre done take the glasses too.â
Peter groaned but helped anyway.
âHey⌠Mark?â Callan asked from his spot on the big sofa.
Mark turned towards him.
âCome sit with us,â he said.Â
Jimmy smiled and patted the place between him and Callan.
âAlright, thanks,â Mark said, a bit awkwardly. And Phil had to smile at how much of an effort everyone was making for his birthday. His roommates knew there was something between him and Mark and were trying to be very cool about it, while also acting a bit like worried parents meeting their kidâs boyfriend for the first time. Mark was trying very hard to pretend he didnât notice it and seemed genuinely amused with the entire situation.
In only a few minutes, they had all plopped around the small room, some on chairs, upside down buckets or the floor. It came to Philâs attention that Mark fit perfectly into his friend group, even if he was a bit older and was probably over the confined spaces of uni dorms and just drinking for the sake of it. He didnât complain for a second. In fact, he beat them all at Scrabble but his real talent was charades, especially given that everyone was a bit drunk by then.Â
Few things had made Phil as proud as guessing Markâs charade. At first he was acting mysterious with his hands shaped into a gun, maybe passing ropes? Jumping? But the moment Mark put his hands up in a surrendering fashion and dropped flat to the floor stiff as a board, Phil knew exactly what it was. âMission impossible!â he yelled and the others groaned. They had obliterated the entire group, just the two of them - together.
After cutting the cake and a few Buffy episodes, the night started to die down. Not so much for Phil, who was very aware of the casual touches Mark gave him, of the heat coming off him, of their thighs pressing tightly together and the fact that he had started giving Phil non alcoholic drinks halfway through the party.
Callan and Jimmy were the last to go to bed, letting Mark know that he could come at any time. Phil almost dived out the window when Jimmy winked at them and told them to have fun, but Mark was not fazed by it, just throwing an âI willâ his way.Â
He turned towards Phil and pressed a soft kiss to his lips as soon as they were alone. âDo you share your room with anyone?â
âNo, itâs very tiny, but itâs just me,â Phil said, now feeling a bit insecure about his room.
âWe just need a bed - if thatâs what you want.â
Phil stood and extended his hand towards Mark, leading him down the hall without a word. Once they were behind closed doors, Phil turned around and kissed Mark, really kissed him. Without even turning the light on, he shuffled them towards the bed, only stopping once he felt the wood pressed against the back of his thighs. Markâs hands were all over him, pulling at his clothes, helping him undress between kisses. They giggled at the awkward and complicated task of removing their skinnys aided only by the street light coming through the blinds.
Soon, Phil found himself pressed into his mattress, without a care in the world or a thought on his mind as Mark prepped him with so much lube he thought he was going to drown and pressed into him. It was tight and deep and hot and Phil felt sexy and dirty all at the same time. He felt like a sinner, not in a shameful way, just - like this was worth going to hell for. He was in love with sex, and himself, and maybe even Mark, even if Mark didnât want that. He would deal with it. He just needed to fuck, forever.
As lay resting his head on Markâs chest and his eyes started to fall shut, the last thought to cross his mind was that he hoped he hadnât been too loud or his friends would never let him live it down.
Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 1: Somebody to Love
June 2005
Phil threw himself onto his bed and looked around at his neon green walls and carpet thinking how little time he had left in his childhood bedroom. He had one last summer in his hometown before uprooting his entire life and moving to York for uni. It was weird, in a way, to be in this sort of limbo where his basic education was over; he no longer felt like a child but didnât feel like an adult either. It could be because he didnât feel like he was fully himself, not to anyone he knew - not even his friends.
Could he really call them his friends if they didnât know who he truly was, if he couldnât share his attraction to boys like the others shared their crushes on girls and their flings? Maybe it wasnât fair to think of them as near strangers, it was not their fault that he didnât feel ready to talk about it. They had all been there for him his entire childhood and he still wasnât ready. That was on him.
On the other hand, York presented him with a new opportunity, a chance to live his true life and finally get a boyfriend. Thatâs all he wanted, just - someone to cuddle with. Ok, also other stuff, but he wanted a proper boyfriend. It didnât hurt to start looking now though.
Phil sat up and reached for his laptop, lifting the screen and connecting to the internet. He clicked on the Explorer icon and waited for everything to load for a few minutes. He logged into a random Yahoo chat room as per usual and greeted the 60 strangers chatting and sending emojis in the hopes of catching someoneâs attention.
Snowdude: Hi. Anyone around 18? ;)
A private window popped up immediately.
DanTheMan: hi snowdude XD iâm dan
Snowdude: Hi. als?
DanTheMan: 16/m/reading. u?
Phil hesitated for a moment. It wasnât often that dudes messaged him. Still, âDanâ was too young and still in school. Well, he didnât have anything better to do than speak to him.
Snowdude: 18 m York. Are you in school?
DanTheMan: yeah just the A lvls to go. Whatâs ur favourrtie game?
Philâs eyebrows shot up at the typo and he snorted.Â
Snowdude: Final Fantasy 7 is ace.
DanTheMan: ace XD favourite show?
Snowdude: Buffy obviously. What is this, an interview? Whatâs your favourite subject in school?
DanTheMan: ouch, geography and psych and theatre.
Snowdude: hate geo, you act?
DanTheMan: donât laugh. i always have but iâm cool.
Snowdude: nothing wrong with it. Iâm a terrible actor.Â
Looking at his ceiling, Phil felt bad for making Dan feel insecure by bringing up school, pointedly marking their age difference. He knew what it was like to be looked down upon by the older kids. He quickly typed another message.
Snowdude: I signed up to art because I thought it would be easy and almost failed. Seems like i suck at art.
DanTheMan: ROFL. ur weird.
DanTheMan: letâs be friends.
Snowdude: Lesbifriends
DanTheMan: forget it lol. I regret asking.
Snowdude: nooooooooooooÂ
DanTheMan: i have to go my mums calling. add me on msn iâm [email protected]
Snowdude: Rawr xD. ACe. Good luck with homework
DanTheMan: fuckoff with your capitalistion and good grammra ttyl
And just like that, Dan exited their chat. Phil smiled and logged into MSN, hesitating only for a second before adding his new friend.
Ian opened their conversation with a buzz as per usual and invited him over to play games with the girls. He hesitated, but another notification popped up and it brought a smile to his face.
GoThic chiK (Anja): coming or not phL?
Phil rolled his eyes, at least Anja would be there and even if he didnât like girls like that, Anja was always cool. She was like a girl, but also not. Well, she was a girl of course, but she felt like a guy, but not - like him. He didnât fit in as the kind of man his dad wanted to see in his son and Anja didnât impress her mother either. Maybe they were losers but they still had each other.
Phil Strikr: omw Annie tell Ian
GoTik chiK (Anja): told you to stop butcherin ma name.
Phil laughed and sent her a buzz before logging out and getting into his favourite blue jeans and a green T-shirt.
--
The night went by in a breeze, with loads of pizza, drinking and a few rounds of TEG that ended in disaster. He mostly enjoyed it until the topic of dating came up yet again. All the guys had some sort of girlfriend or arrangement and Phil had barely anything to show for. For the umpteenth time, Phil considered coming out to them but he could never bring himself to do it. Maybe one of these days when he was drunk enough.
âPhil, Phil!â Someone said.
Anja snapped her fingers in front of his eyes, startling him and causing him to drop the dice he had been shaking for who knows how long. âMate, what is it with you today?â
âUh, nothing. I was just thinking about Buffy,â he said.
Anja gave him a look that let him know she was not buying it, but the rest rolled their eyes and continued with their conversation. For a moment Phil thought he was off the hook but Ian looked at him expectantly.
âWhat?â Phil asked.
Ian sighed heavily. âSandra asked about you again, mate. When are you going to ask her out?â
Phil tried not to look like a deer caught in the headlights. âI think it would be weird to date your cousin, we are like brothers at this point.â
Ian snorted and shook his head. âWe are like brothers but not actually. Itâs not like incest or anything.â
âEw, donât say that,â Phil said, paling at the thought of Sandra and her wandering hands. He was not going to repeat the mistake of asking her out. One sloppy kiss was more than enough.
Richard, Noah and Keith laughed at the face he pulled but Ian merely smiled at him.
âOi! Phil is mine, let him be,â Anja said, shuffling closer to him and resting her hand on his thigh.
Philâs eyes widened but she gave him a small wink before looking back at their friends.
âWhat? Are you his girlfriend now?â asked Richard with a frown.
âYeah,â she said, looking uncomfortable at the question. Anja didnât like Richard like that, she loved him as a friend, but he had a huge crush on her and he was terrible at hiding it. Phil didnât need to read her mind to know she didnât want to break his heart or risk their friendship but it was bound to happen eventually.
Wrapping his arm around Anjaâs waist loosely, he set his head on her shoulder. âTell Sandra Iâm taken,â Phil said and Anja relaxed against him, letting her head gently rest on his.
Richard looked disappointed but didnât press the issue any further.
Eventually, the board games stopped being fun and the alcohol ran out so they declared the party over. As soon as Phil said goodbye and stood from his spot Anja followed him, making the others laugh and howl at them, half whispering about what they were going to do in Philâs bedroom.
Once they were out, Phil turned to look at her. âDo you want me to walk you home?â He asked, hopefully.
âNah, I was expecting to crash in your bed.â She began the walk back home and Phil followed her.
âWhat?â Phil squeaked.
Anja laughed and turned towards him, but her eyes looked a bit misty. âDonât be daft, itâs not that.â She poked him gently, looking into his eyes. âI just feel sad and I donât wanna be alone right now. I know I can trust you like that.âÂ
âAlright,â Phil said, still walking at her side. âDo you want to talk about it? What happened?â
Anja looked away from him, her eyes focusing on the moon for a moment as she spoke. âI was dating someone but they are not sure about it anymore and it sucks.â
Phil stopped walking and pulled her into a hug. âAn- you know you can tell me anything, come stay with me too.â
âI know.â She returned the hug tightly only for a moment before stepping back. âCome on!â She said, grabbing his hand and pulling him along. âKath will be fuming if we are not there before midnight.â
He snorted and laced their fingers together. âIâll tell my mum you call her Kath behind her back one day, you know?â
They stayed silent for most of the 20 minute walk home and had to sneak in, but soon enough they were in his room. Phil gave Anja a big T-shirt and a pair of joggers and slipped into his own pyjamas while she changed in the bathroom.Â
Five minutes later they were looking up at the ceiling as they lay under the covers in the small bed.
âHey, Phil?â
âYeah?â
âDo you think Richard will get over his crush eventually?â
Phil turned on his side to look at her. âProbably, he has gotten over the others.â
She nodded. âAre you seeing anyone that you havenât told us about?â she asked in a drastic change of topic.
Phil sputtered. âAs if anyone would be interested.â
âYou have pretty eyes and perfect eyebrows. I wish I had your eyebrows,â Anja said. âYou should dye your hair black though, it would make your eyes pop.â
âI donât know⌠Would you do it for me?â
âOf course, ginge,â She laughed.
âIâm not a ginger!â Phil whined.
âCourse not.â She poked at his stomach. âGood night.â
âGood night, An,â he said and shut his eyes, letting sleep claim him.
---
It was a weird summer. Anja remained sad for the majority of it but refused to talk about her boyfriend, choosing to focus on giving Phil an extreme makeover instead. She dyed his hair black, took him to the mall to pick up black skinny jeans and to the stylist that had given her her emo haircut to tame his mane.
By the end of it, Phil had perfected a nice image for his MySpace page. He had even ventured into eyeliner for some pictures when heâd gotten bored waiting for Anja to get ready for a party. Heâd enjoyed the results and even Ian and the guys said it looked cool on him. Even Dan thought he looked really cool when he saw the pics.
He got to talk to Dan quite a few times as well before going off to uni and caught up with life. It was amazing to learn that they were actually super compatible, liking many of the same games, music and shows. The best part was that Dan said there was a chance he would go to York like him so they could hang out and Phil liked the sound of that, even if Dan was still a full year away from it. Dan was honestly super cool and Phil really had come to consider him a friend in the last few months so it would be super fun to have someone close to hang out and play games with. It sounded like a great plan.
Daydreaming about their potential meet-up was a nice distraction from Danâs home life, which seemed to be in constant turmoil as Phil came to find over time. There was a reason Dan barely mentioned his younger brother and he had vaguely complained about his fatherâs rage issues, so Phil always let Dan talk first, and let whatever was troubling him be aired so that he could offer his support or advice if it was needed. Phil also shared some of his issues and insecurities, but his problems were not nearly as bad as Danâs so he tried to keep things on the positive side and help Dan out.
But Phil wasnât expecting to catch Dan in a lie only weeks later. As it turned out, Dan had never been 16, he was a 14 year old kid. It was a silly lie, but it still hurt Phil, so he asked Dan to never lie to him again. Dan was very apologetic and begged him not to break their friendship, which Phil had briefly considered, but decided against, especially because of the kind of bullying Dan suffered at school on the regular. After the initial shock had worn off, Phil reassured him that they could be friends, even if they would have to be long distance.
Dan deserved to have supportive friends. He needed someone to be there for him and Phil knew he could be that someone. At an appropriate distance, of course.
It was a bit of a rough patch between them, but after they had resolved the issue, life went on as usual. Phil dived head first into his uni life and there were so many changes. He moved into the dorm and met new people at uni, but sadly, he wasnât able to stay in touch with his friends back home as much as heâd have liked due to his schedule. In a way, he had inadvertently severed most contact with his life back home, but no matter how much things changed, some stayed the same: his lack of a love life and being trapped in the closet.
He decided that it was time to take his life by the horns and that marked the beginning of a new chapter for him, an exploring phase of sorts. After some consideration, he opened a profile on a dating website, hoping to find a nice guy he could date. His new look did seem to help a lot, but his popularity applied mostly to MySpace. The dating scene seemed a bit dry, or maybe he was just too awkward. There weren't a bunch of messages flooding his inbox by any means.
To be honest, he was starting to get really discouraged, thinking he would never meet someone, but his luck finally changed on a mighty weekend when in a hidden corner of a pub, he got his first taste of freedom. He was blonde and tall and three years older than Phil and his lips were on Philâs, quickly taking him to heaven, making his blood rush south and his stomach tingle. His hands were inside Philâs T-shirt and struggling with his jeansâ zipper in less than five minutes. It wasnât too rough or something that Phil didnât want, but the speed of it all scared him a bit. It was too much too soon and he wasnât ready even though he wanted to be, so he took a step back and apologised.
âIâm sorry,â he said, still trying to catch his breath. âListen, Iâm not out yet, not even to my friends back home, my new uni friends or my roommates.â
The guy nodded and smiled at him. âThatâs alright,â he said. âCould I get your phone number? Maybe we can meet up some other time.â
Phil nodded and saved it in the otherâs phone, but he was not going to trick himself into thinking he was going to get a text. His chances were slim.
They parted ways with a quick kiss, which surprised Phil. He let out a deep sigh as he watched the blonde disappear into the crowd and surveyed the pub in search of his friends.Â
Towering over most people did come in handy and allowed him to locate his roommates in under a minute. Phil tried to put on a brave smile as he made his way to them and accepted a beer, taking a zip and groaning at the bitter taste. It was performative and he knew it, but he didnât know what else to do, so he followed along with what everyone was doing. He got drunk - and even made out with a girl briefly just out of boredom.Â
He felt nothing, nothing at all, but his roommates cheered him on and the girl seemed happy enough.Â
That made one of them.
--
Once back in his room, Phil put his phone to charge and turned it on. There were a few missed calls and texts from Dan, asking if he was free to talk. Phil got a bad feeling about it and tried to call him but Dan didnât pick up. Maybe it was too late and he had fallen asleep. Biting the inside of his cheek, Phil hesitated before sending a text.
âIâm sorry I missed your calls, I was out until just now and my phone had died X.x . Iâm free to talk in the morning!â
Phil lay in bed for what seemed like forever, the room spinning a bit around him, as he thought about the blonde guy, the boring night, the girl he kissed - and Dan. He wished he would have stayed home and talked to Dan, maybe played some games, or talked about school. It was sad that he got along better with a 14 year old than his own friends. What did that say about him? He fell into a fitful night of sleep just as the sun rose above the clouds.
The talk with Dan didnât come the next day, or the following one. In fact, Dan stopped replying entirely for over a week and Philâs stomach was twisted into knots. Over twenty messages unanswered could only mean bad news, right?
The following weekend, Phil sent yet another text: âPlease, Dan. Just let me know that you are ok.â
Ten minutes later, his phone finally vibrated. âim ok. stop.â
Philâs eyes welled up with tears. âIâm so sorry, Dan. Iâve been worried about you. I went out and had so many calls and missed texts, I thought something had happened and you needed to talk. Itâs ok if you donât want to, I just didnât want you to think that I didnât care. Sorry I missed your call.â
His screen lit up with a call immediately and Danâs raspy voice greeted him on the other side. âHey, sorry. I didnât mean to scare you.â
âItâs ok,â Phil said, trying to calm himself down, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. He swallowed thick and attempted a small smile, even if Dan could not see it. âWhat did you want to talk about?â
Dan was silent for a moment, but then he let out a tired sigh. âNothing much, itâs fine.â
âYou can tell me, you know you can,â Phil said with a frown.
âLast weekend I went to the mall and I had some problems with the usual shitheadsâŚâ he trailed off.
âDid they throw rocks at you again?â
âYeah, but I didnât care. And on Monday -â Dan paused.
âWhat happened on Monday?â Phil asked, frowning at the pain he could hear in Danâs voice.
âOne of the idiots grabbed me by the neck and slapped me for like 5 minutes,â Dan mumbled. âAnd I know what youâre going to say, one of the teachers saw and did nothing. He even laughed.â
âDan,â Phil said, his heart breaking for his friend. âIâm so sorry, you donât deserve any of that. I wish I could be there to help you.â
âItâs fine,â Dan said in a monotone voice. âI didnât react, I didnât want to give them that satisfaction.â
âIt takes a lot of courage not to fight back. You were very brave.â
âI wouldnât say that,â Dan muttered. âAlmost gave them another satisfaction.â
âWhat do you mean?â
âIâm so tired sometimes, you know? Just so tired.â Then, Dan cleared his throat. âAnyway, Iâve been staying with my grandma since Tuesday, so Iâm ok.â
Phil had to clear his throat too, trying not to get choked up by what Dan was implying. âYou have to get good grades so you can get into uni and we can hang out, ok?â
Dan snorted. âAs if you would hang out with me. Youâre cool and Iâm just a 14 year old loser.â
âYouâre not a loser. Youâre kind, and funny, and one of the coolest people I know. I know that one day you will be a great guy. Maybe youâll be a famous actor, like youâve always wanted.â
âYeah⌠maybe,â Dan said. âWanna play Mario Kart later? I have homework.â
Phil looked at the time, it was already late, but a few races wouldnât hurt. âSure. Text me when youâre done.â
âThanks, Phil,â Dan said and Phil could picture a little smile on his face.
âNo problem. See you later.â
âYeah. Hey, can I follow your MySpace?â Dan asked.
âYou can follow me anywhere,â Phil said. âWe are friends.â
âYeah, ok,â Dan snorted. âSee you later, Philly.â
Phil rolled his eyes and hung up the phone.
Letting out a deep sigh, he decided to do the âadult thingâ and study a little more for the exam he had the following morning so that he could join Dan online later. It was not a lot, but he felt better now that Dan knew Phil was on his side and he cared.
That night, Phil stayed on his DS until 4, but he managed to get a passing grade on the exam anyway. He rewarded himself with a 10 hour nap afterwards.
--
All through his first term at uni, Phil tried his best to keep in touch with Dan, but with his tight study schedule, the weekends pretending to be straight and attempting to not stress himself half to death with his new chaotic life, it was getting increasingly difficult.
Before long, Phil had to make a drastic choice. Something needed to change and he knew exactly what was the worst stressor for him: his straight-sex-maniac persona. And so it was decided.Â
He invited his four roommates to their very limited common space and paced in the square foot of floor he had available to himself waving his hands around without uttering a word until one of the guys asked if he was ok.Â
No, Phil was not ok at all, he was nearly crawling up the wall, so instead of giving a carefully planned and rehearsed speech, he stopped short of the wall, turned around and said: âI lied⌠I am not super experienced, I donât have a lot of sex experience. In fact, I have zero experience, because⌠because Iâm gay. Iâm sorry that I lied, I just wanted you guys to like me, you are all so cool. I wanted to be your friend. I didnât mean for it to get so out of hand. I-â
Peter got up from the armrest of the sofa, causing Phil to take a step back just in case, and gave him a hard pat on the shoulder. âItâs ok. We are all figuring things out,â he said. âAlso, Sarah will be happy to know that you are not disgusted by her presence, youâre just thick as all fuck and gay. Right, Sarah?â
âYou like me?â Phil squeaked, turning towards the popular blonde girl. She was super nice and also pretty, but she was still not a guy, so there was not even a chance.
âI do. I did, but itâs ok. We can be friends,â she said with a smile.
âWe can?â Phil croaked.
Sarah nodded. âYouâre a good guy, Phil. Why wouldnât I want to be your friend? And the fact that you are not opposed to a little makeup also plays in your favour.â
Peter clapped once and rushed to the fridge. He got the Malibu out of the freezer, messily pouring the alcohol into various glasses and mugs and other liquid-holding implements before turning around to face the group and raising his glass. âTo Phil, the gayest emo York has ever seen - and a good friend too!â He downed his drink without waiting for anyone else.
Sarah walked over to the kitchenette and grabbed a shot glass, raising it towards Phil with an encouraging smile. âCheers,â she said and downed her drink. She then passed a repurposed laundry detergent cap full of Malibu to Phil.Â
âThank you,â he said, hoping that his eyes could convey the gratitude he felt. âCheers,â he said and drank the entire thing.
Jimmy and Callan, who had been quiet until now, stood from the sofa and grabbed a mug each, raising them to Phil.Â
âTo Phil, the gay emo,â said Callan with a smirk.
âWe can still be friends even if youâre gay and your willy is bigger than all of ours,â Jimmy said with a nod and necked his drink.
Phil laughed. âStop talking about my dick, Jimmy. You saw nothing!â
âI will when it stops looking back at me every time you sit,â Jimmy cackled.Â
Phil threw the laundry detergent cap at his head, hitting the target and causing the group to laugh.Â
Hours later, he crawled into his tiny bed and felt the effects of all the alcohol he had consumed rock him gently, like the waves in the sea. He let out a sigh of relief, a smile appearing on his lips as he remembered how the night had started. His coming out had been awkward but still a success. Now he could truly be himself, at least in York, and he couldnât wait until he was able to live his life fully everywhere.
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Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.
Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.
Rating: E
Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.
Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.
Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.
POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.
Total Word Count: 75k ish
Read on Ao3
CHAPTER 1: Somebody to Love
June 2005
Phil threw himself onto his bed and looked around at his neon green walls and carpet thinking how little time he had left in his childhood bedroom. He had one last summer in his hometown before uprooting his entire life and moving to York for uni. It was weird, in a way, to be in this sort of limbo where his basic education was over; he no longer felt like a child but didnât feel like an adult either. It could be because he didnât feel like he was fully himself, not to anyone he knew - not even his friends.
Could he really call them his friends if they didnât know who he truly was, if he couldnât share his attraction to boys like the others shared their crushes on girls and their flings? Maybe it wasnât fair to think of them as near strangers, it was not their fault that he didnât feel ready to talk about it. They had all been there for him his entire childhood and he still wasnât ready. That was on him.
On the other hand, York presented him with a new opportunity, a chance to live his true life and finally get a boyfriend. Thatâs all he wanted, just - someone to cuddle with. Ok, also other stuff, but he wanted a proper boyfriend. It didnât hurt to start looking now though.
Phil sat up and reached for his laptop, lifting the screen and connecting to the internet. He clicked on the Explorer icon and waited for everything to load for a few minutes. He logged into a random Yahoo chat room as per usual and greeted the 60 strangers chatting and sending emojis in the hopes of catching someoneâs attention.
Snowdude: Hi. Anyone around 18? ;)
A private window popped up immediately.
DanTheMan: hi snowdude XD iâm dan
Snowdude: Hi. als?
DanTheMan: 16/m/reading. u?
Phil hesitated for a moment. It wasnât often that dudes messaged him. Still, âDanâ was too young and still in school. Well, he didnât have anything better to do than speak to him.
Snowdude: 18 m York. Are you in school?
DanTheMan: yeah just the A lvls to go. Whatâs ur favourrtie game?
Philâs eyebrows shot up at the typo and he snorted.Â
Snowdude: Final Fantasy 7 is ace.
DanTheMan: ace XD favourite show?
Snowdude: Buffy obviously. What is this, an interview? Whatâs your favourite subject in school?
DanTheMan: ouch, geography and psych and theatre.
Snowdude: hate geo, you act?
DanTheMan: donât laugh. i always have but iâm cool.
Snowdude: nothing wrong with it. Iâm a terrible actor.Â
Looking at his ceiling, Phil felt bad for making Dan feel insecure by bringing up school, pointedly marking their age difference. He knew what it was like to be looked down upon by the older kids. He quickly typed another message.
Snowdude: I signed up to art because I thought it would be easy and almost failed. Seems like i suck at art.
DanTheMan: ROFL. ur weird.
DanTheMan: letâs be friends.
Snowdude: Lesbifriends
DanTheMan: forget it lol. I regret asking.
Snowdude: nooooooooooooÂ
DanTheMan: i have to go my mums calling. add me on msn iâm [email protected]
Snowdude: Rawr xD. ACe. Good luck with homework
DanTheMan: fuckoff with your capitalistion and good grammra ttyl
And just like that, Dan exited their chat. Phil smiled and logged into MSN, hesitating only for a second before adding his new friend.
Ian opened their conversation with a buzz as per usual and invited him over to play games with the girls. He hesitated, but another notification popped up and it brought a smile to his face.
GoThic chiK (Anja): coming or not phL?
Phil rolled his eyes, at least Anja would be there and even if he didnât like girls like that, Anja was always cool. She was like a girl, but also not. Well, she was a girl of course, but she felt like a guy, but not - like him. He didnât fit in as the kind of man his dad wanted to see in his son and Anja didnât impress her mother either. Maybe they were losers but they still had each other.
Phil Strikr: omw Annie tell Ian
GoTik chiK (Anja): told you to stop butcherin ma name.
Phil laughed and sent her a buzz before logging out and getting into his favourite blue jeans and a green T-shirt.
--
The night went by in a breeze, with loads of pizza, drinking and a few rounds of TEG that ended in disaster. He mostly enjoyed it until the topic of dating came up yet again. All the guys had some sort of girlfriend or arrangement and Phil had barely anything to show for. For the umpteenth time, Phil considered coming out to them but he could never bring himself to do it. Maybe one of these days when he was drunk enough.
âPhil, Phil!â Someone said.
Anja snapped her fingers in front of his eyes, startling him and causing him to drop the dice he had been shaking for who knows how long. âMate, what is it with you today?â
âUh, nothing. I was just thinking about Buffy,â he said.
Anja gave him a look that let him know she was not buying it, but the rest rolled their eyes and continued with their conversation. For a moment Phil thought he was off the hook but Ian looked at him expectantly.
âWhat?â Phil asked.
Ian sighed heavily. âSandra asked about you again, mate. When are you going to ask her out?â
Phil tried not to look like a deer caught in the headlights. âI think it would be weird to date your cousin, we are like brothers at this point.â
Ian snorted and shook his head. âWe are like brothers but not actually. Itâs not like incest or anything.â
âEw, donât say that,â Phil said, paling at the thought of Sandra and her wandering hands. He was not going to repeat the mistake of asking her out. One sloppy kiss was more than enough.
Richard, Noah and Keith laughed at the face he pulled but Ian merely smiled at him.
âOi! Phil is mine, let him be,â Anja said, shuffling closer to him and resting her hand on his thigh.
Philâs eyes widened but she gave him a small wink before looking back at their friends.
âWhat? Are you his girlfriend now?â asked Richard with a frown.
âYeah,â she said, looking uncomfortable at the question. Anja didnât like Richard like that, she loved him as a friend, but he had a huge crush on her and he was terrible at hiding it. Phil didnât need to read her mind to know she didnât want to break his heart or risk their friendship but it was bound to happen eventually.
Wrapping his arm around Anjaâs waist loosely, he set his head on her shoulder. âTell Sandra Iâm taken,â Phil said and Anja relaxed against him, letting her head gently rest on his.
Richard looked disappointed but didnât press the issue any further.
Eventually, the board games stopped being fun and the alcohol ran out so they declared the party over. As soon as Phil said goodbye and stood from his spot Anja followed him, making the others laugh and howl at them, half whispering about what they were going to do in Philâs bedroom.
Once they were out, Phil turned to look at her. âDo you want me to walk you home?â He asked, hopefully.
âNah, I was expecting to crash in your bed.â She began the walk back home and Phil followed her.
âWhat?â Phil squeaked.
Anja laughed and turned towards him, but her eyes looked a bit misty. âDonât be daft, itâs not that.â She poked him gently, looking into his eyes. âI just feel sad and I donât wanna be alone right now. I know I can trust you like that.âÂ
âAlright,â Phil said, still walking at her side. âDo you want to talk about it? What happened?â
Anja looked away from him, her eyes focusing on the moon for a moment as she spoke. âI was dating someone but they are not sure about it anymore and it sucks.â
Phil stopped walking and pulled her into a hug. âAn- you know you can tell me anything, come stay with me too.â
âI know.â She returned the hug tightly only for a moment before stepping back. âCome on!â She said, grabbing his hand and pulling him along. âKath will be fuming if we are not there before midnight.â
He snorted and laced their fingers together. âIâll tell my mum you call her Kath behind her back one day, you know?â
They stayed silent for most of the 20 minute walk home and had to sneak in, but soon enough they were in his room. Phil gave Anja a big T-shirt and a pair of joggers and slipped into his own pyjamas while she changed in the bathroom.Â
Five minutes later they were looking up at the ceiling as they lay under the covers in the small bed.
âHey, Phil?â
âYeah?â
âDo you think Richard will get over his crush eventually?â
Phil turned on his side to look at her. âProbably, he has gotten over the others.â
She nodded. âAre you seeing anyone that you havenât told us about?â she asked in a drastic change of topic.
Phil sputtered. âAs if anyone would be interested.â
âYou have pretty eyes and perfect eyebrows. I wish I had your eyebrows,â Anja said. âYou should dye your hair black though, it would make your eyes pop.â
âI donât know⌠Would you do it for me?â
âOf course, ginge,â She laughed.
âIâm not a ginger!â Phil whined.
âCourse not.â She poked at his stomach. âGood night.â
âGood night, An,â he said and shut his eyes, letting sleep claim him.
---
It was a weird summer. Anja remained sad for the majority of it but refused to talk about her boyfriend, choosing to focus on giving Phil an extreme makeover instead. She dyed his hair black, took him to the mall to pick up black skinny jeans and to the stylist that had given her her emo haircut to tame his mane.
By the end of it, Phil had perfected a nice image for his MySpace page. He had even ventured into eyeliner for some pictures when heâd gotten bored waiting for Anja to get ready for a party. Heâd enjoyed the results and even Ian and the guys said it looked cool on him. Even Dan thought he looked really cool when he saw the pics.
He got to talk to Dan quite a few times as well before going off to uni and caught up with life. It was amazing to learn that they were actually super compatible, liking many of the same games, music and shows. The best part was that Dan said there was a chance he would go to York like him so they could hang out and Phil liked the sound of that, even if Dan was still a full year away from it. Dan was honestly super cool and Phil really had come to consider him a friend in the last few months so it would be super fun to have someone close to hang out and play games with. It sounded like a great plan.
Daydreaming about their potential meet-up was a nice distraction from Danâs home life, which seemed to be in constant turmoil as Phil came to find over time. There was a reason Dan barely mentioned his younger brother and he had vaguely complained about his fatherâs rage issues, so Phil always let Dan talk first, and let whatever was troubling him be aired so that he could offer his support or advice if it was needed. Phil also shared some of his issues and insecurities, but his problems were not nearly as bad as Danâs so he tried to keep things on the positive side and help Dan out.
But Phil wasnât expecting to catch Dan in a lie only weeks later. As it turned out, Dan had never been 16, he was a 14 year old kid. It was a silly lie, but it still hurt Phil, so he asked Dan to never lie to him again. Dan was very apologetic and begged him not to break their friendship, which Phil had briefly considered, but decided against, especially because of the kind of bullying Dan suffered at school on the regular. After the initial shock had worn off, Phil reassured him that they could be friends, even if they would have to be long distance.
Dan deserved to have supportive friends. He needed someone to be there for him and Phil knew he could be that someone. At an appropriate distance, of course.
It was a bit of a rough patch between them, but after they had resolved the issue, life went on as usual. Phil dived head first into his uni life and there were so many changes. He moved into the dorm and met new people at uni, but sadly, he wasnât able to stay in touch with his friends back home as much as heâd have liked due to his schedule. In a way, he had inadvertently severed most contact with his life back home, but no matter how much things changed, some stayed the same: his lack of a love life and being trapped in the closet.
He decided that it was time to take his life by the horns and that marked the beginning of a new chapter for him, an exploring phase of sorts. After some consideration, he opened a profile on a dating website, hoping to find a nice guy he could date. His new look did seem to help a lot, but his popularity applied mostly to MySpace. The dating scene seemed a bit dry, or maybe he was just too awkward. There weren't a bunch of messages flooding his inbox by any means.
To be honest, he was starting to get really discouraged, thinking he would never meet someone, but his luck finally changed on a mighty weekend when in a hidden corner of a pub, he got his first taste of freedom. He was blonde and tall and three years older than Phil and his lips were on Philâs, quickly taking him to heaven, making his blood rush south and his stomach tingle. His hands were inside Philâs T-shirt and struggling with his jeansâ zipper in less than five minutes. It wasnât too rough or something that Phil didnât want, but the speed of it all scared him a bit. It was too much too soon and he wasnât ready even though he wanted to be, so he took a step back and apologised.
âIâm sorry,â he said, still trying to catch his breath. âListen, Iâm not out yet, not even to my friends back home, my new uni friends or my roommates.â
The guy nodded and smiled at him. âThatâs alright,â he said. âCould I get your phone number? Maybe we can meet up some other time.â
Phil nodded and saved it in the otherâs phone, but he was not going to trick himself into thinking he was going to get a text. His chances were slim.
They parted ways with a quick kiss, which surprised Phil. He let out a deep sigh as he watched the blonde disappear into the crowd and surveyed the pub in search of his friends.Â
Towering over most people did come in handy and allowed him to locate his roommates in under a minute. Phil tried to put on a brave smile as he made his way to them and accepted a beer, taking a zip and groaning at the bitter taste. It was performative and he knew it, but he didnât know what else to do, so he followed along with what everyone was doing. He got drunk - and even made out with a girl briefly just out of boredom.Â
He felt nothing, nothing at all, but his roommates cheered him on and the girl seemed happy enough.Â
That made one of them.
--
Once back in his room, Phil put his phone to charge and turned it on. There were a few missed calls and texts from Dan, asking if he was free to talk. Phil got a bad feeling about it and tried to call him but Dan didnât pick up. Maybe it was too late and he had fallen asleep. Biting the inside of his cheek, Phil hesitated before sending a text.
âIâm sorry I missed your calls, I was out until just now and my phone had died X.x . Iâm free to talk in the morning!â
Phil lay in bed for what seemed like forever, the room spinning a bit around him, as he thought about the blonde guy, the boring night, the girl he kissed - and Dan. He wished he would have stayed home and talked to Dan, maybe played some games, or talked about school. It was sad that he got along better with a 14 year old than his own friends. What did that say about him? He fell into a fitful night of sleep just as the sun rose above the clouds.
The talk with Dan didnât come the next day, or the following one. In fact, Dan stopped replying entirely for over a week and Philâs stomach was twisted into knots. Over twenty messages unanswered could only mean bad news, right?
The following weekend, Phil sent yet another text: âPlease, Dan. Just let me know that you are ok.â
Ten minutes later, his phone finally vibrated. âim ok. stop.â
Philâs eyes welled up with tears. âIâm so sorry, Dan. Iâve been worried about you. I went out and had so many calls and missed texts, I thought something had happened and you needed to talk. Itâs ok if you donât want to, I just didnât want you to think that I didnât care. Sorry I missed your call.â
His screen lit up with a call immediately and Danâs raspy voice greeted him on the other side. âHey, sorry. I didnât mean to scare you.â
âItâs ok,â Phil said, trying to calm himself down, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. He swallowed thick and attempted a small smile, even if Dan could not see it. âWhat did you want to talk about?â
Dan was silent for a moment, but then he let out a tired sigh. âNothing much, itâs fine.â
âYou can tell me, you know you can,â Phil said with a frown.
âLast weekend I went to the mall and I had some problems with the usual shitheadsâŚâ he trailed off.
âDid they throw rocks at you again?â
âYeah, but I didnât care. And on Monday -â Dan paused.
âWhat happened on Monday?â Phil asked, frowning at the pain he could hear in Danâs voice.
âOne of the idiots grabbed me by the neck and slapped me for like 5 minutes,â Dan mumbled. âAnd I know what youâre going to say, one of the teachers saw and did nothing. He even laughed.â
âDan,â Phil said, his heart breaking for his friend. âIâm so sorry, you donât deserve any of that. I wish I could be there to help you.â
âItâs fine,â Dan said in a monotone voice. âI didnât react, I didnât want to give them that satisfaction.â
âIt takes a lot of courage not to fight back. You were very brave.â
âI wouldnât say that,â Dan muttered. âAlmost gave them another satisfaction.â
âWhat do you mean?â
âIâm so tired sometimes, you know? Just so tired.â Then, Dan cleared his throat. âAnyway, Iâve been staying with my grandma since Tuesday, so Iâm ok.â
Phil had to clear his throat too, trying not to get choked up by what Dan was implying. âYou have to get good grades so you can get into uni and we can hang out, ok?â
Dan snorted. âAs if you would hang out with me. Youâre cool and Iâm just a 14 year old loser.â
âYouâre not a loser. Youâre kind, and funny, and one of the coolest people I know. I know that one day you will be a great guy. Maybe youâll be a famous actor, like youâve always wanted.â
âYeah⌠maybe,â Dan said. âWanna play Mario Kart later? I have homework.â
Phil looked at the time, it was already late, but a few races wouldnât hurt. âSure. Text me when youâre done.â
âThanks, Phil,â Dan said and Phil could picture a little smile on his face.
âNo problem. See you later.â
âYeah. Hey, can I follow your MySpace?â Dan asked.
âYou can follow me anywhere,â Phil said. âWe are friends.â
âYeah, ok,â Dan snorted. âSee you later, Philly.â
Phil rolled his eyes and hung up the phone.
Letting out a deep sigh, he decided to do the âadult thingâ and study a little more for the exam he had the following morning so that he could join Dan online later. It was not a lot, but he felt better now that Dan knew Phil was on his side and he cared.
That night, Phil stayed on his DS until 4, but he managed to get a passing grade on the exam anyway. He rewarded himself with a 10 hour nap afterwards.
--
All through his first term at uni, Phil tried his best to keep in touch with Dan, but with his tight study schedule, the weekends pretending to be straight and attempting to not stress himself half to death with his new chaotic life, it was getting increasingly difficult.
Before long, Phil had to make a drastic choice. Something needed to change and he knew exactly what was the worst stressor for him: his straight-sex-maniac persona. And so it was decided.Â
He invited his four roommates to their very limited common space and paced in the square foot of floor he had available to himself waving his hands around without uttering a word until one of the guys asked if he was ok.Â
No, Phil was not ok at all, he was nearly crawling up the wall, so instead of giving a carefully planned and rehearsed speech, he stopped short of the wall, turned around and said: âI lied⌠I am not super experienced, I donât have a lot of sex experience. In fact, I have zero experience, because⌠because Iâm gay. Iâm sorry that I lied, I just wanted you guys to like me, you are all so cool. I wanted to be your friend. I didnât mean for it to get so out of hand. I-â
Peter got up from the armrest of the sofa, causing Phil to take a step back just in case, and gave him a hard pat on the shoulder. âItâs ok. We are all figuring things out,â he said. âAlso, Sarah will be happy to know that you are not disgusted by her presence, youâre just thick as all fuck and gay. Right, Sarah?â
âYou like me?â Phil squeaked, turning towards the popular blonde girl. She was super nice and also pretty, but she was still not a guy, so there was not even a chance.
âI do. I did, but itâs ok. We can be friends,â she said with a smile.
âWe can?â Phil croaked.
Sarah nodded. âYouâre a good guy, Phil. Why wouldnât I want to be your friend? And the fact that you are not opposed to a little makeup also plays in your favour.â
Peter clapped once and rushed to the fridge. He got the Malibu out of the freezer, messily pouring the alcohol into various glasses and mugs and other liquid-holding implements before turning around to face the group and raising his glass. âTo Phil, the gayest emo York has ever seen - and a good friend too!â He downed his drink without waiting for anyone else.
Sarah walked over to the kitchenette and grabbed a shot glass, raising it towards Phil with an encouraging smile. âCheers,â she said and downed her drink. She then passed a repurposed laundry detergent cap full of Malibu to Phil.Â
âThank you,â he said, hoping that his eyes could convey the gratitude he felt. âCheers,â he said and drank the entire thing.
Jimmy and Callan, who had been quiet until now, stood from the sofa and grabbed a mug each, raising them to Phil.Â
âTo Phil, the gay emo,â said Callan with a smirk.
âWe can still be friends even if youâre gay and your willy is bigger than all of ours,â Jimmy said with a nod and necked his drink.
Phil laughed. âStop talking about my dick, Jimmy. You saw nothing!â
âI will when it stops looking back at me every time you sit,â Jimmy cackled.Â
Phil threw the laundry detergent cap at his head, hitting the target and causing the group to laugh.Â
Hours later, he crawled into his tiny bed and felt the effects of all the alcohol he had consumed rock him gently, like the waves in the sea. He let out a sigh of relief, a smile appearing on his lips as he remembered how the night had started. His coming out had been awkward but still a success. Now he could truly be himself, at least in York, and he couldnât wait until he was able to live his life fully everywhere.
Summary: Phil had always had dreams that he couldn't quite comprehend and a certain intuition about what was truly important for his future.
Rating: G
Tags/warnings: No warnings that I can think of. Psychic Phil, fluff, yearning.
Author's Note: This fic was written for @ttlmt for the Phandom Fic Exchange! Hi Bee! I hope I did your prompt justice, it was very very fun to write and even though it isn't really that long I put a lot of care into it. Enjoy!
There is a video linked at the bottom of the post or on the final notes in ao3 you may light. I found it hilarious and very helpful for the story.
Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual.
Word Count: 3.7 k
Read on Ao3
1995
âWhere is your bear, Phil? Where is your bear?â Asked Philâs mum in the video, baby Phil not knowing the answer yet.
Phil kicked his feet as they dangled from his chair. He really liked watching his baby videos even though he was now 8 years old. He sipped on his hot chocolate and added even more marshmallows, suddenly staring intently into the cup and wrapping his hands around it, enjoying the warm feeling.
He grabbed his dream journal and wrote down âWarmâ at the bottom of the list. He didnât really know what it meant exactly, but he knew that the items on the list were related somehow. He had decided to write it in his dream journal because he could sometimes see them in a dream. Well, not actually see them, but - he didnât know. It was like a feeling, like he knew this person, but he also knew that he didnât know the person.
He read the list over, trying to piece the puzzle together.Â
Bear
Malteesers
Coffee
Will  Wheel
Warm
His grandma had said that he would know in time, but he wanted to know now! Now! Now!
Letting out a sigh, he fished one of the marshmallows from his mug and ate it happily.
âPhil! Donât eat too much sugar or you wonât be able to sleep tonight!â his mum called from the doorway to the kitchen.
âI need it to think!â he whined.
âDinner is almost ready!âÂ
âI will finish it, Mummy! Promise!â
She just shook her head and went back to making dinner.
Phil popped the last scone loaded with clotted cream and jam into his mouth and smiled. Still trying to chew around the big piece, he hopped from the chair and went to switch the video cassette for the ThunderCats one. He made sure to put the tape with his baby videos safely back in his personal collection before hitting play.
As soon as the song came on, he started running around the dining room, swinging an imaginary sword around, yelling âThunder! Thunder! ThunderCats Ooooh!â
He ran another lap around the room until he was met face to face with the mirror and paused. After staring at himself for a moment, he decided that to truly become a ThunderCat, he needed something, but what could it be? Phil paid attention to his face and if he focused, he could almost see a glimpse of cat whiskers coming out of his cheeks in the reflection. He gasped, happy to have figured that out and made a quick run up the stairs to his bedroom and returned with a black marker.Â
It took him almost until the end of the song, but he managed to finally look like a cat. One day he would add a sword to the costume, but for now, he felt at peace.
âAre you done, Child?â his mum asked. âOh! Whoâs this?â
âIâm a cat!â said Phil, showing her his claws.
âOh my!â she said, opening one of the drawers in the china cabinet and pulling the camera out. âWhat a handsome and brave cat you are!â She snapped a picture.
âCould I get a sword for my birthday?â Phil pleaded.
âWeâll see, love.â She always said that when the answer was no.
Phil pouted but rushed to his chair and drank more hot chocolate. He looked at the opposite side of the table and saw someone sitting there, or the idea of someone. He smiled. âMum?â
âYes, Phil?â
âWill I ever have a best friend?â
âOf course! Everyone has a best friend,â she assured him.
âI canât wait!â Phil said, and added cat whiskers to the list.
---
1998
Phil opened his birthday present and smiled when he saw the Final Fantasy VII game heâd asked for. He was going to enjoy it so much!
He had dreamed about this game for long, even longer than it had been out to the public. It was as if the game was calling to him. For some reason, it felt important to have an item from his list; and he had added "FF" to his list months ago.
He waited until all his school friends had gone home and started the game. After losing three times in a row he decided to watch Buffy instead, but his eyes kept escaping back to the game case on the floor.
His dreams that night were plagued with dark brooding men dressed in black, but Phil wasnât scared; he knew they were friendly.
---
2005
Long gone were Philâs magic dreams. He still loved his grandmother, obviously, but repeating things she had told him always got him in trouble, or mocked by his friends, so he had eventually stopped trying to connect with that side of himself.
It was as if he had lost a part of himself, a part of him he didnât know he loved so much until it was gone. He knew it was the right choice for him, his so-called gift hadnât done him any favours.Â
Nowadays, Phil felt nothing but sadness when he opened his old dream journal and saw the list of things that had no way of being related to each other. The last additions had been only drawings: a few sticks in an orange background and a weird circle with mixed colours. Nothing made sense.
None of his friends were a good fit, and, if he was honest, he didnât even know if this person existed or not.
He was leaving for Uni soon and his mum had asked him to clean his room out and throw away anything that he wasnât using. So Phil stood by the bin heâd placed in the middle of the room, contemplating his life and trying to decide what part of his childhood he wanted to discard forever.Â
He looked at the journal in his hand. It was stupid, but he couldnât just throw it away. Instead he walked over to his bookcase and removed 4 random books, setting the journal flat against the backboard and putting the other books back in their place to conceal it.
Nodding to himself, he continued rummaging through his very messy room. He groaned as he stuck his hand under his bed and touched something sticky; it was all the uneaten candy heâd accidentally dropped, melted by the passage of who knows how many months. He would need to get his shit together or his future roommates would kick him out for being a pig - if the ants didnât eat him before that.
Then he came across his tiny lion plushie and smiled before putting it in his bag. Lion was definitely coming with him.
---
2006
Phil was back in his room, in the comfort of his family home and somewhat inspired by this new website called YouTube. His friends said he had a bit of a problem with social media because he was constantly on the internet, but everything was just so fun. The idea of uploading a video of his own had been floating around and around in his head for a while, but when he opened a new box of cereal and was met with the prized prize of a black and white little camera, he took it as the ultimate sign that he should do it.Â
His first Videoblog was a bit all over the place, but that was just who he was. If he wanted to make new friends, what a better way to go about it than to show who he really was, right?
Once the video was recorded, it took him a full day to edit and upload it but it was worth it. He got some comments and video replies immediately! He even got his first subscriber!
Posting that video had definitely been a good idea, no matter what his mates said.
---
2009
Philâs YouTube channel was quite a passion project for him and he tried his best to continue posting regularly even if he never lost focus on his studies. Uni was obviously more important, but since he would be majoring in video post-production and visual effects, he could pass it as a learning experience.
In February he received a package from his grandmother with a cryptic message. Among the usual âtake care, be careful and avoid being run over on the 10th of this month,â she also added her tarot cards with a note that read âUse them well.â
He didnât exactly know what that meant, but in the spirit of being his true self on camera, he decided to talk about the psychic side of his family in a video, passing it as a funny thing more than something that had been a bit of an obsession all his life.
To downplay the importance of tarot reading in the video, he called it âRobot Death Machine,â referencing the electric heater heâd had to rely on because the heating was broken again, instead of anything related to divination.
To begin, he shuffled the cards a bit and laid his hands on the full deck, trying to really focus on transmitting his energy into it. He looked up at the camera and said âEdit that out.â He would pull three cards: one for the past, one for the present and one for the future, with the little booklet with the meaning of each card firmly at his side. He truly needed it, because despite his grandmaâs protests, he had never learned that by heart.
He looked into the camera as if he had just begun touching the deck. âMy grandma is a psychic and apparently she could have passed the gift on to me, right? Who knows! So letâs look into my future. Iâm going to do the following month, so Iâm hoping this month will be good.â
âBefore this month: itâs the Nine of Cups reversed!â He pulled the card and showed it before reading the meaning. âI was vain, complaisant, over-sentimental, and careless - and I neglected my partner,â he said, wincing at the implication. He didnât think he had neglected his cheater ex boyfriend, if anything it had been the other way around.
He pulled another card and looked at it. âCurrently, the Three of... Swords. Currently Iâm entering into a dangerous three-way relationship where heartache is inevitable for one participant - or all.â Wow, he hoped that was not the case; he had enough drama in his life as it was. âMinor surgery is possible. That doesnât sound good!â
He moved along and pulled the last card, a bit disappointed with the results of the reading so far. âThe future: âthe Knight of Wands. Some guy is going to have a big impact, an energetic warrior, he has a hasty personality and heâs very quick to love or hate.â
âHmm. Interesting,â Phil said, chewing the inside of his cheek. âIâm glad it wasnât, like, death! And, okay, Iâm gonna go eat some crisps,â he laughed at himself. âThatâs the first thing that came to my head. No! Iâm gonna go change the world in ways you would not believe!âÂ
He waved and stopped the recording.
He sat back against his bed, thinking for a moment. Could it be? He would have to watch out for any new person coming into his life for the next month or so. It could definitely be something, but given that the first 2 cards made no sense, he didnât have high hopes.
He grabbed his phone and called his grandmother just to be sure.
âHi!â he said as soon as she picked up.
âHello, Darling. Did you use my cards?â she asked, not wasting a single second, probably because she already knew he had.
âYes. I have a question about what came up. The first two cards I pulled made no sense but the third one - I donât know.â
âWhat cards did you pull?â
âUh,â Phil hesitated, looking down at the floor. It was the Nine of Cups, reversed. Then I got the Three of Swords.â
âYou were in a relationship, were you not?âÂ
âI was...â Phil said. âBut they cheated.â
âWell, thereâs the neglect and the love triangle.â
âOh,â Phil said. âAnd the Knight of Wands?â
âWas that the last one?â she asked and Phil could swear he heard the smile in her voice.
âYeah. I donât think I know any energetic warriors.â
âPerhaps not yet, but you need to pay attention. The Knight of Wands is a very charismatic person, adventurous, competitive, a fiery lad; the salamanders in his coat mean he's resistant to flames.âÂ
âWhat does that mean? Is he a firefighter?â Phil laughed, not missing that the 'he' came from her first.Â
âYou are taking the cards literally, Philip,â she said, not appreciating the joke. âAnd I do warn you, the Knight of Wands⌠He may not be one to settle down, not at first.âÂ
Phil frowned. âWho is this guy?âÂ
âYou were calling him, weren't you? For a long while now?âÂ
Phil couldnât breathe. He blinked repeatedly and coughed. âThis month?â he croaked.Â
âNot necessarily, but it could be. You need to look at the signs.â She waited patiently for him to process what she had just unloaded onto him.Â
âIs this a friend orâŚâÂ
âThatâs for you to decide. You will have to be patient with him, with both of you.âÂ
Phil groaned. âThank you, Grandma.âÂ
âOf course!â she said. âYou need to trust yourself. Even if you donât want to share your gift with anyone, donât try to smother it. It will hurt you.âÂ
âI - Alright. I wonât,â Phil said. âSee you soon?âÂ
She laughed. âSee you on New Yearâs Eve,â she said and hung up.
Phil stared at the cards and began to put them back into the box one by one, just as he had picked them. He closed the box and instead of returning them to his desk, he put them in his backpack. Better to have them close.
--
By April, and with no news from this âEnergetic Warrior,â Phil had decided to move on and focus on the people that were actually making an impact in his life in the present.
It was exciting to interact with the people that watched his videos, especially as he started to be able to differentiate between them. A guy kept replying to his tweets and commenting under his videos with a random username and he looked cute, or at least thatâs what Phil could tell from his profile picture.Â
Phil tried to be friendly and treat everyone the same, giving them the same time and attention, but Dan (danisnotonfire) just kept trying to get Philâs attention, always being one of the first to reply to his tweets, commenting on his YouTube videos, and even pointing out all the things they had in common, such as their love for Muse and the movie âChildren of Men.âÂ
It seemed that Dan was determined to be his #1 fan at all costs. When Dan tweeted Phil saying he had a crush on him, Phil finally caved and decided to snoop around. After scrolling on Danâs twitter profile for about an hour, Phil was set on getting to know him. He sounded like a fun guy and his observation about everything they had in common was fairly accurate.
He decided to follow Dan back and drop him a direct message.Â
âHey :) â Phil typed, considering his next words carefully. âHow are you doing?â
âomg! hi phil!
i canât believe you followed me back! O__0 â Dan said.
Phil bit his lip and typed a reply. âHaha why not?â
âi donât know XD
you are so cool and iâve been watching your videos for a logn time :] â
âI think youâre cool too! ^.^Â
Whatâs your favourite Muse song?â
âugh, donât make me choose X__Xâ
âCome on! Mine is Newborn, or Exogenesis and Muscle MuseumÂ
Those are my top 3â
âi hate you :/
i guess if I had to pick one it would be Citizen Erasedâ
âThatâs a good oneâ Phil wondered if it would be too forward to ask Dan, but if he got too into his head nothing good would come of it. He had never been one to hesitate a lot about things. What could go wrong after all?Â
âHey, do you want to chat on skype?â He hit enter and waited for Danâs reply eagerly.
âyeah! add me <;3Â
iâm danisnotonfire there tooâ
âThatâs a cool username
How did you choose it?â
âit was a random string of words I came up with a few years ago lolâ
âHahaha valid :)Â
See you on skypeâ
---
September 2009
After days and eternal nights of non-stop chatting, Phil decided to invite Dan to his parentsâ house. They had gotten to know each other enough for Phil to be sure that Dan was not a serial killer - probably.Â
Not that it mattered, because Dan had yet to accept his invitation.
And even though they had often been flirty during their calls, Phil wasnât sure if they would have the same chemistry in person. If their meeting went well, it would be the first time Phil had successfully transitioned from an online friendship to a real life one.
Somehow, this felt so different than anyone else he had met before, more important. Dan was special, and just being able to talk to him made him incredibly happy.
In October, after weeks of pestering Dan, he finally accepted his invitation. Apparently, Dan had been saving ever since Phil had invited him and wanted to surprise him which made Phil blush and smile like a crazy person.
When October 19 finally came, Dan took the train to Manchester, where Phil was already anxiously waiting for him. Seeing Dan in the crowd, walking towards him and the hug Dan pulled him into was something that felt so familiar yet groundbreaking, and Phil had no way of explaining it.
Just as the sun started to set, they got on the big wheel when as their cart made it to the top, Dan kissed him, the remnants of the last sun rays setting the mood, and enveloping Phil in a warm feeling. He felt like his stomach was flipping over and he knew then that he couldnât deny having feelings for Dan.
After frolicking around town, they headed home and filmed a video for Philâs channel, which they were both super excited about. At one point, Phil saw Dan going through his stuff and stopped the recording to check what was catching Danâs attention.
He had started pulling books out of the bookcase that hadnât been touched in years.
âWhatâs that?â Dan asked with a curious smile, making the cat whiskers on his face curl upwards.
âWhat?â Phil asked.
âThereâs something in the back. Is it your porn stash?â Dan smirked.
Phil snorted and rolled his eyes. âYeah, thatâs where I keep it!â
Dan grabbed a purple sparkly notebook with childlike scribbling on the front. âDream Journalâ
âOh,â Phil said, feeling a tug in his stomach. âI hadnât thought about that in a while.â
âCan I read it?â Dan asked.
âI guess? I donât think thereâs a lot in there,â Phil said, pulling at the hem of his shirt when chills ran down through him.
Dan sat back down on Philâs bed, his back against the wall, legs pulled to his chest and bottom lip burrowed between his lips. âOh, this is interesting. You dreamt about meeting shadow people a lot.â
âYeah,â Phil said, swallowing thick. He kneeled on the bed and shuffled closer to Dan to read from above.
âWhatâs this list?â Dan asked, tapping on the last page Phil had ever filled.
âJust things that used to... catch my attention.â
âBear. Did you know my family used to call me Bear when I was a kid? My grandma still does.â
âI - no, you hadnât told me,â Phil said.
âMalteesers? Obviously! They are the fucking best. Coffee? You have a real problem with that if you started having coffee at this age.â Dan laughed.
âI didnât!â Phil laughed along as everything started to slot into place. âStarbucks,â he mumbled under his breath. âWheel. Thatâs whereâŚâ he trailed off.
âWill? Oh, Wheel!â Dan laughed. âYou had a little problem with spelling, I see.â
Phil scoffed. âShut up!â
âHmm?â Dan asked, but his eyes were trained on the list. He was barely paying Phil any mind. âWorm?â Dan raised his eyebrows, finally looking up at Phil.
âWarm! Thatâs an A. I was a kid, donât judge. I was having hot chocolate with marshmallows when I wrote that,â Phil said, waiting for Dan to say anything that would confirm his suspicion.
âWhat does that have to do with warm?â Dan asked.Â
Phil shrugged. âI - I donât know. I liked the feeling of warm things against my skin.âÂ
âCat whiskers. Well, we have those on already.â
âDo you know what these could be?â Phil asked, pointing to the drawings he didnât even understand.
âThey look like Muse albums, sort of? Wait, when did you do these?â Dan asked, his brow burrowed into a frown.
Philâs mouth fell open. He got up and brought Dan the Tonberry plushie he had purchased as a gift for him weeks ago, Christmas surprise be damn. âFinal Fantasy,â Phil said.
Dan finally set the journal down on the bed and opened his gift. âThis is my favourite character!â Dan looked incredibly happy.
âYeah,â Phil said. He shuffled the things on his desk and found the tarot card set his grandma had sent him. It didnât take him long to find the card he had been looking for. He grabbed the journal and slid the Knight of Wands card inside, closing it and returning it to its hiding place.
âI donât understand what the list was about,â Dan said, still clutching his gift. âThose are just things you liked?â
âSomething like that,â Phil said.
Dan raised an eyebrow at him. âDonât keep secrets from me, Phil Lester.â
Phil shrugged. âItâs the recipe for the perfect best friend, I guess.â
âGet out,â Dan said with a laugh and threw the Tonberry at him.
Phil knelt on the bed and pressed their lips together, smiling into the kiss as Dan pulled him closer, smudging their cat whiskers. He had finally found the person from his dreams, his best friend, his Knight of Wands.
Final Author's notes: I referenced this video for the tarot card and I would advise anyone with a few minutes to spare to watch it and marvel at how fucking accurate this card is to describe Dan. I found it hilarious. Maybe Phil is truly a psychic. VIDEO.